an oily Sneeze

it’s not like i even have all that much hair, really - i probably dont even NEED conditioner, and could just get by with raking a brush over my scalp a couple times, but the thing is, i am addicted to conditioner. i like how it makes me hair all slick and oily. i like giving myself greasy hairstyles and pretending i am elvis or roy orbison, and i like how it makes my hair all slick when i rinse it out.

so: the problem began because i am OUT of conditioner, and the little mom-and-pop grocer near by doesnt sell anything but two-in-one shampoo plus conditioners which, to me, just arent conditionery enough. i tried it a couple times but it made my hair all frizzy and weird - i am going to dinner tonite with friends, so that just wouldnt cut it.

no conditioner. what’s a girl to do? she starts thinking about what in her house (specifically, her refrigerator) could be used as conditioner.

i had heard that people had used mayonaise, eggs, and olive oil (not all at the same time) to give their hair added gloss and sheen, which is basically what i used conditioner for. mayonaise, eggs and olive oil are all kind of slippery like conditioner. surveying my fridge, i was happy to find all three ingredients present (well, the olive oil was in the cupboard, but whatever). i decided against the mayonaise because i didnt want to go out smelling like hellmans, and as much as i would dearly have loved to crack an egg over my head, i passed on the egg (do you use the yolk? i was afraid of potential scrambling) and settled on olive oil (extra virgin light).

i grabbed a shot glass for measuring purposes and headed into the shower.

washed my hair with the shampoo plus, then dosed out half a shot of olive oil and dribbled it around my hair. massaged it around - hey! this isnt too bad, nice and slick and…huh…kind of heavy. makes my hair lay flat like a ken dolls…yeah, maybe this wasnt such a hot idea - good thing this was LIGHT oil.

so i stick my head under the spray and try and wash the oil out - but it dont go nowhere. oil and water and hair dont mix, and my hair seemed firmly greased around my head.

i grabbed the bottle of shampoo to wash it out when i noticed that i smelled kind of like pasta - a little garlic salt and i would have grabbed a spagetti spoon and started twirling chunks of my hair. luckily, my shampoo is not garlic flavored, but i became disturbed as my vigorous washing and rinsing did nothing to return my hair to its non-oily splendor.

so i grabbed some shaving cream - i had used it to strip my hair before (when dying it; works pretty well, if anyone is interested) and spread it thickly over my head while realizing that the oil had coated the surface of the tub, making it more slippery than the bathtub safety council would allow. the last thing i wanted was to slip and fall - i could just picture them finding my naked, oily body, sprawled in the tub with a head full of shaving cream, a bottle of olive oil resting on the bathtub rim.

‘the bottle of oil in the general shape of a penis, the oily coating on the porcelain - yup, she died of autoetoric olivubrication,’ they’d say, shaking their heads in sorrow. ‘we havent figured out the shaving cream thing yet, but i’m sure we can make up something kinky before this hits the ten oclock news.’

so i sat down and proceeded to shaving cream and shampoo my hair for about 20 minutes, until it had retained its previous level of non-olive-oilyness.

THEN, i had to scrub the oil from my ass (which, now that i think about it, IS nice and soft…abnormally so? tests will need to be run).

and the hair: it’s still wet, so i’m not sure. it appears to be none the worse for wear, but i think it is still to early to be certain, but i dont think the olive oil did any permanent damage, and as an added precaution i thoroughly sprayed it with room deoderizer to make sure i dont walk around smelling like i have a pasta bar in my bra.

to sum up: my first foray into world of hygenic edibles will probably be my last. cucumber slices for puffy eyes, avcado face masks, milk baths for smoother, younger skin - i think from now i’ll be satisfied if i’m zestfully clean, thank you very much.

some words of wisdome to other dopers who may be considering their options in the face of an empty bottle of conditioner - i’d go with the egg.

Wonderful…just wonderful. Thanks for sharing. And I feel your pain too–as far as the two-in-one shampoo./conditioners not being conditionery enough. Truer words were never spoken.

My mother used to have this little book of helpful hints for the house/kids/pets/beauty/etc. I remember the part about mayo being good for conditioning as well as coffee for sheen and beer for…um…just smelling easy, I guess. I can’t remember that one, except that my sister tried it when I was a kid and my dad was pissed at her and she got asked out A LOT.

So, at least you’re not in as bad a fix as my childhood chum–who decided to condition her hair with baby oil. Yeah…she never did that again.

Thanks again for the great story. And just order pasta for dinner and you’re home free. :slight_smile:

beer, eh? i do have some guiness in the fridge that i’m sure as hell never going to drink. thanks for the suggestion, struuter : )

my hair dried into golden girl-like curls, which (sadly) is normal, so i guess i am none the worse for wear.

Oh man, this made me laugh. I’ve also done the olive oil hair thingo but didn’t have as much trouble as you did. I just spent a long time in the shower trying to wash it all out.

Another good thing to use in your hair is baby oil. Just add some to your damp hair, leave it in over night, then wash it out the next day with lotsa shampoo. It leaves your hair abnormally soft and shiny.