I have the opposite problem. Dad’s computer has 32 megs of RAM, and he expects it not to crash all the time. He could get more RAM, but he’d rather save the money and spend it on a new computer. Hey, MY computer is almost identical to his, but it has 96 megs of RAM and IT DOESN’T CRASH (much). And I’m using it for more than just MS Word and email. Grrr.
Oh, and for the last time, Dad, stop referring to hard drive space as “memory.” Drives me up the wall!!!
I’m sure all these people are related to my neighbours, who habitually wake me at midnight and and 5am because their latest computer won’t do what they want it to.
Yes, I know that because they got it for $200 and it looks like my computer, they think they got a bargain, but I’m tired of trying to explain to them that what’s “under the hood” which determines what their system will do. I don’t care how good a brand name the 386 was, or that the 486 came from a school and was connected to the net there, it doesn’t make those systems a good buy (especially not for that price - you can pick a 486 up anywhere for under $50).
Nor is getting those systems to do what they want them to just a matter of getting some other neighbour’s WIN98 disks. These concepts seem totally beyond my neighbours’ comprehension.
But then, these are the same people who have had to replace their stereo at least 12 times because they don’t get the concept of how that works either (hint, if the sound is starting to distort and the windows are shaking, turning the amplifier UP probably isn’t going to help matters).
And I’ll leave the television and VCR horror stories for another time.
Wait, while we’re on the topic of memory, etc. Can we discuss my brother in law? He has a perfectly serviceable computer. Less than two years old. He had some small problem with it–maybe it wasn’t so small, maybe it was a drive crash, or something. But something totally fixable if you’re willing to throw the CPU in the trunk and drive it to some place and pay $60 an hour to let someone fix it. This is what you do when your computer is perfectly fast, has all the right features, all the right memory, video cards, decent modem, etc, and you ONLY use it for email and internet (AOL) anyway. You fix the glitch.
Oh, wait. Not if you’re my brother-in-law. If you’re my brother-in-law, you buy an ENTIRELY NEW SYSTEM. New speakers, new monitor, new printer included. You spend close to $2000 for an entirely new system when your problem was probably less than $300 to fix. I’m sure he’ll landfill the old one, too. And it’s not like he’s wealthy and has money to burn, either.
Or, even worse, I have a number of friends who refer to the entire computer (tower and all) as the “CPU”.
Fenris
I say a party game where they give you phrase that, when spoken, sound like something else. For instance, “Your sofa king stew pit” (except not as vulgar). The players are given the phrases written on cards, and have to figure out what they’re supposed to mean. I think a game where you have a bunch of questions like this, where you have to figure what they really mean, would be a rather interesting varient on that game.
Urk…and let me add that this is not even remotely a problem when someone as obviously as knowledgeable and intelligent as CrankyAsAnOldMan uses the phrase (like in the post immediatly above) as shorthand, but clearly knows the difference.
aargh…
Fenris, who’s New Year’s resolution is to hit preview and make sure that no one else has posted before hitting submit, epecially if he’s walked away from the computer for 15 minutes or so…
Amen, fucking, amen on your OP Fenris.
Sister #1: bought a brand new Gateway. I showed her to the site and adivised her on what she would need. Do I ever get questions from her? No. Never.
Sister #2: puays 200$ for a 100Mhz computer w/ Windows 3.1 from her husbands brother, “just to get on the internet”. Do I get calls from her? Yup, Every other day.
I eventually broke down and gave them one of my old machines 166Mz with all Gateway cards in it, plus one of my 6 gig drives. Free. Loaded with software, Win 98. Here you go. Stop calling me for every trouble you have.
::absoul picks up the phone::
"Modems not working, Kyle installed blah, blah, blah… and now it wont boot… I tried to install my new printer and scanner software for blah, blah, blah… and its just locked up.
::absoul begins to weep uncontrollably::
…one year later…
Sister #1: no calls regarding computer problems.
Sister #2: 20-30 calls
I try to talk Sister #2 into buying a new computer. I beg. I plead. No go.
I finally agree to give them my old system for 350$. (just enough to buy myself a Asus A7V, and a Thunderbird 1gig chip)
So for 350$ she purchased a 750Athlon, Ka7, 128 megs 100 ram, Voodoo 3500, Hewlett packard CDRW, and a new case. The motherboard wouldnt fit in her old case… so she got my case as well. I installed it and havent heard my phone ring with any computer questions in 2 weeks… ahhhhh…
I still feel like I am ripping them off somehow, and I have actually put over 600$ into their computer. Arrrghhhh…
Thank you all. I have one to add.
If we meet at a family gathering, please don’t bother me with detailed descriptions of every problem your machine is encountering. Especially when the machine is 150 miles away in your house. If its a basic problem, I could probably write you a quick solution on the back of a napkin. if I do that, consider yourself lucky, because normally I dont like to tie in work with my social life.
If you casually mention that you are having a problem, and that you would like me to take a look, I will probably buy you a beer for realising that I have a life outside of tech support.
Carry on.
AMEN Fenris!
I am emailing that to a few people if that’s ok.
I was just volunteered to fix one of my mom’s friends PC as a favor to my mom. She expects me to fix all of her friends PC for FREE because I enjoy doing geeky computer nerd stuff.
She doesn’t understand that I do tech support 10 hrs a day for a living. I don’t want to be doing it on my free time for free for fucks sake!
I have a life outside computer repair. I’d like to enjoy it. I too cringe whenever the phone rings. Just yesterday I had three requests for free PC repair:
Sorry, really needed to vent to someone who understands. You guys understand. Thanks
I’ve always tried to help out friends and family where I could, but I’m beginning to see the problem. I haven’t truly worked tech support (university - about 25000 fac and students) for a few years, not since Office 97 on Win95 and pine on Solaris were our standard apps. Now, I maintain our DNS and DHCP machines on Win NT, monitor our Notes machines and assorted Unix boxes.
Enter my mother, who got a new machine this year. I don’t have room in my head for Win ME, much less MS Works and Outlook.
I got her ‘Windows ME for Dummies’ for Christmas.
I may borrow it.
-mdf
Throws herself facedown on her bed, sobbing hysterically.
Oh sure, try to take it back, Fenris…
wipes long smear of snot from upper lip onto her sleeve, takes deep, shuddering breath
P.S. You forgot to mention my natural beauty and feminine grace…
Better than calling the “hard drive.” Or not realizing that “floppy disk” refers to 3.5" as well as 5.25" disks.
Hehehehee… back in my poor student days, I had an insatiable appetite for computer games, but really wasn’t able to shell out the $50 or so it took to try one out and see if it was really good. So I’d preview them - I’d buy 'em, then bring back the ones I didn’t like. As you know, this was a big no-no, but I’d always convince them to take it back by acting stupid and saying stuff like “I think my computer doesn’t have enough memory to run this game, since I only have a 10 MB hard drive. Plus, I can’t even install it, since I have a floppy disk drive, and this game came on those little hard disks.” Eventually, the $4.50/hour manager would assume I was clueless and take the game back just to get me out of their store.
I figured this was the GOOD part of working tech support. I dealt with so many stupid users, I could act like one with no effort at all.
How about gesturing toward the monitor and referring to the computer? (Or turning off the monitor and not understanding that the computer is still on.)
The last time I did free tech support for friends, I had explicity said that I would not help them set up their network so they could play network games. I allowed myself to get suckered in with a “just take one quick look”. Unsurprisingly, the one quick look turned into a nightmare of helping people find current NIC drivers, setting up static IP addresses, and finding out what the hell someone had been doing with Windows 98 before they showed up with their computer–without the installation CD. I finally got it all working, but not before the friend of one of the people there showed up at the house to drop something off. The friend’s friend (FF) greeting him in loud, carrying tones, saying, “Hey, Friend is here! I bet he could fix this!” Friend, of course, wisely declined, but I took a break for a while after that to avoid stuffing FF’s head into a monitor. (Why did I finish? Professional pride.)
While I’ll still help my folks, I don’t do friendly tech support anymore, but that example at least makes it clear why. People I don’t know who email me asking for help get one simple answer, or I ask for credit card information if it’s complicated. That generally stops queries for free tech support.
Sometimes. I shared an office with a visiting professor from South Africa for a semester. He referred to the 3-1/2" disks as “stiffy disks” (as opposed to the 5-1/4" floppy disks). I hadn’t quite the heart to let him know exactly why I thought that was funny.
I assume that that term is a general South Africanism, and so the story doesn’t really belong in this thread, but I wanted to share.
Let me add another one:
To my brother:
Get your paws OFF the monitor! I don’t care if it’s yours. I can see perfectly fine without you poking the glass, and it was easier to read before you smudged the screen up. If you wish to draw my attention to something, simply say “Prithee, Fenris, dost thou see that odd graphics glitch on the upper left hand corner of the screen? Just below the “Edit Menu”? That is the curs’d abomination of which I spoke.”
You get your arm between me and the screen when I’m trying to resolve a problem, yer gonna lose that arm.
Fenris
gulp I did a lot of these things when I first got my PC. But not all of them, and not for long. (Well, I have a lapse once in a while…) I love consulting computer books (I love buying books, any kind of books!) so that helped me to be not too much of a pest.
My sister got her computer about a year after I did. She was a pretty big pain in the ass, but I didn’t let her get too far. I gave her a Windows 98 book, and would tersely tell her to read it. (I would see it on the floor, with cat piss on it. Do you think I was eager to help her after that?! NO.)
She has done pretty well, though. I just won’t help her that much. I tell her to get out the books that I GAVE HER. No sympathy.
Re: CPU. When I got into Macs (about a year ago) the Mac books I read said that often people would refer to the tower/case of the computer as the “CPU”. Maybe it’s a Mac thing - I hadn’t heard of it before then.
Throws herself facedown on her bed, sobbing hysterically.
Oh sure, try to take it back, Fenris…
wipes long smear of snot from upper lip onto her sleeve, takes deep, shuddering breath
P.S. You forgot to mention my natural beauty and feminine grace… **
[/QUOTE]
<Pepe LePew fake French accent>
Ahhhhhhh…M’amosille Cranky AhhhAhhhAHhh! Your natural beauty! Zose Lips! Like Rubies! Zat Hair, like a silken cloud! Zat snot, like zee perfect oyster! Ahhhhhhh!
</Pepe LePew fake French accent>
And your mind! Like pearlescent grey cauliflower, filled with facts and knowledge of all things tech! I stand in awe of your lobes! Both Prefrontal and Ear! With the feminine grace of Selene, the strength of Hippolyta, the skill of Ariadne, the fleetness of Zephyrus(?), the beauty of Aurora, and the wisdom of Minerva, Cranky, you are a Marvel!
Forgive me now? 
Fenris
P.S. While heartfelt, anyone get the in-joke in the last sentence?
I’ve heard it all, man.
“I’m trying to put a CD in my hard drive.”
Okay, that’s easy. First, you take your Microsoft Pestle, and use it to smash up your CD. The put the fragments into your Microsoft Mortar (sold separately), and use the MS Pestle to grind them into a fine powder. Then, take your Microsoft Drill ™, and use it to drill a hole in your ever-fucking hard drive. Using a Microsoft Funnel, you can pour your CD into your hard drive.
“How do I get the cool sounds and pictures like Darryl has?”
Well, first you have to take a sledgehammer, and smash your computer up into tiny bits, and then put it in a bowl. Add four eggs, 5 cups of water, a bag of flour, some sugar, some oil, and some baking soda. Beat well til you’re tired. Then bake for four hours at 450 degrees. You can spend this time reading a great novel I sent you. It’s all about a mexican boy who got lost while trying to join the 20th century. It came with your computer and it’s called “Manuel”.
…I took a call from a pissed off lady whose problem was no power/no POST. Her computer was brand new and she had just hooked it up. She plugged everything into her surge protector, and then plugged her surge protector into itself. She was real upset that “this piece of shit is brand new and it don’t work!” I guess it’s true what they say: You have to be 2% smarter than something to be able to use it.
…Some poor asshole had his kid put cheese slices in the CD-ROM drive.
…this other guy vacuumed out his case with a regular old vacuum cleaner. How do you spell ESD again?
I was talking to a guy whose wife was yelling at him the whole time. I could hear this bitch in the background, cursing like a sailor and berating this poor man. He was really cool and patient, too. After about 5 minutes of this tirade, he asks me to hold on:
Him: Could you hold on a second, please?
Me: Sure, take your time.
Him: Thank you.
Him:<muffled in the background, but obviously yelling> BITCH IF YOU DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP I’MA PUT MY FOOT IN YO’ ASS!
Him:<coming back in a normal voice> Sorry 'bout that. Where were we now?
I swear, I almost pissed myself. Luckily, this guy was really cool and didn’t mind. I guess he was used to it and really laid back.
Back when I was a regular ol’ phone tech, we all sat in cubicles. It was not uncommon for the person you were talking to be able to hear what was going on in the background. One time the guy next to stood up and YELLED “HOLY FUCK, THIS BITCH IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HER CAT!”
The person on my phone stopped in mid-sentence…
…crickets chirping.
…silence.
“Uhm, is everything okay over there?”
Without missing a beat, I reply “Yeah… why do you ask?”
I must hear this at least 10 times a day:
“I just bought some DVDs, and they don’t work. What’s the deal?”
You don’t have a DVD drive.
“How do I burn CDs?”
With a propane torch. Oh, you mean on your computer… well, sparky, you’re going to have to buy a burner first.
"You mean I can’t do it with my CD-ROM drive?
Yeah, but I’m just being mean and telling you to buy stuff you don’t need.
“Really?”
No.
“I couldn’t get more than 16 colors and 640x480 so I formatted my hard drive.”
Why the hell did you do that? That’s like saying “My car wouldn’t start, so I rebuilt the engine,”. You could’ve reloaded your video drivers, but no, you like to pretend you know what the hell you’re doing.
Continuing with the car analogy, whenever a member of my family calls me and says this “Well, I wanted it to be faster, so I started deleting files.” I have to tell them that by that logic I can make their car go faster, too. I’ll just open the hood and start yanking shit out at random…"*YANK!*I don’t know what this is, it must not be necessary and without it my car should be faster. I don’t know what this is either YANK! so this should help too. And I have no fuckin’ clue what this is, CREAK!CRACK!BANG! so ripping it out oughta really soup it up.
I could go on and on, but I already did. I would have thought you would have suspected our separation after a different thread, Fenris, which I now need to borrow from:
I have wanted to say this several times:
“You know, dumbass, if I know that if I paid $3,000 for something, and I knew it could be damaged by someone stepping on it, you know where I WOULDN’T put it? ON THE FUCKIN’ FLOOR YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS!”
That was a great thread. Too bad I came back into it and made a dick out of myself. Oh well. I think everyone has forgiven me.
I had to learn the hard way tell my friends not to talk to the salespeople at the computer store (especially Frys). A welder friend of mine had to build a new machine because he kicked the old one and broke it. I give him a specific list of thing to pick up on the way over to my house, includeing the brand name and model of the motherboard, vid card, sound card etc. He shows up with a big pile of crap that the $5.00/Hr sales geek convinced him he really wanted. He said the sales person assured him that I was behind the times with my recomendation. When he told me this, I Pointed out that if the guy new what he was doing he wouldn’t be working for min. wage. Most of it didn’t work right out of the box, and he wound up driving back there.