An open letter to Dad (and others) regarding personal Tech Support: A Rant.

The BBQ Pit
1

This is technically a rant, I suppose. I can’t figure out where else to post it.

Dad (and other relatives and friends)

I love you and I appreciate you raising me and all, and I think it’s wonderful that you’re learning to use the computer. Frankly you’re doing an excellent job. I am not being sarcastic, I’m extremely proud of you and how much you’ve learned.

However…

I will personally defenestrate you if you don’t change your ways when it comes how you behave when you need tech-support. Let me be clear: You helped me to grow up into the man I am, and I appreciate it and am willing…no, happy to help you but we need to establish some ground rules:

#1) You must NEVER use the phrase “I just have a easy question…” ever again. Due to Pavlovian conditioning from you, every time I hear you utter this phrase, I break out into a cold sweat. The last time you said it, it was followed by “…I want to write a database in Access that can manage all my finances, and can pull stock quotes off of the internet.” You’re in no position to judge how easy a question is.

#2) Just like all those years when I didn’t want to learn my multiplication tables because I ‘could just look it up or use a calculator’ and you made me learn 'em anyway, because I’d need it later, yes, sometimes I am going to “pull rank” on you and make you learn the theory of something rather than just telling you what buttons to push. You know more about computers than any three of your friends because of this, you even brag about it. So why fight every time this comes up?

#3) This one’s important. When I’m giving you step-by-step instructions, DO NOT SECOND-GUESS ME AND RUSH AHEAD. And if you do, TELL ME!.

#4) Related to #3: If I tell you something’s there, it is. I rarely say this, but when I do, I mean it. Trust me. If I say, “Dad, you’re in Word, right? Look at the upper left-hand corner: There’s a menu choice labeled ‘File’,” it’s there. An acceptable alternative to “It’s not there” is “I don’t see it”.

#5) You’ve stopped debating with me, and I appreciate that. It was annoying to have you argue that “your friend” or “an article” said to do it another way. As I said: if you prefer to have “your friend” or “an article” help you, you won’t hurt my feelings. Anyway, you’ve stopped doing this and I appreciate it.

#6) Please quit buying Crapware[sup]tm[/sup] that’s in the 12-for-a-Dollar bin and then expect me to be able to figure out why it won’t install properly or unravel what it did to your autoexec.bat or unsnarl your file associations or undo other damage. If it’s in the junk bin, it usually because it’s junk. Oh, and a hint: if the product says it “requires a 386 processor and Windows 3.1” it’s probably not going to work real well on your P3-500 mhz, Win98 system.

#7) I’m not trying to be stubborn when I tell you I don’t know the exact solution to a specific problem with a particular application. While it’s flattering, I really don’t know every detail of every piece of software ever written. Especially as relates to #6. I can give general advise, but that’s about it.

#8) Use your eyes and brain a bit more. If I tell you to click on the “Close” button of the request box, and the actual word used is “Exit”, either ask or just do it yourself. This is not incompatable with #4. And telling me it is will just frustrate both of us.

#9) This one’s not major, but it drives me nuts: You have a system that I envy. It’s spectacular. And it has 256 megs of ram. The answer to every problem your system encounters isn’t that you need more ram. (But if you want to buy more memory for both of us, I won’t stop you :smiley: )

#10) Last one: next time you have a good idea like “Making sure that your free space is spread out evenly” by moving some of the folders in your C:\Windows directory to your D: drive, or saving space by deleting folders for programs you’re not using anymore with Windows Explorer rather than uninstalling them, check with me first. Please?

Once again, Dad (and most of my other friends and relatives), I’m happy to help you, but…if you follow these rules we’ll all be a lot happier.

Thanks,

Fenris

2

A-fucking-men!

I, too, am the tech-support chick for my family. I don’t mind but when I dole out advice about what peripheral device(s) to buy, they damn well better take it or not bother calling me when it doesn’t work!

I don’t know about you, but I get the dumbest questions ever! I swear my cousin asked me how she can send an email from her scanner. From her scanner!!! I finally figured out that she wanted to attach a scanned image to an email but she just kept repeating the same damn question over and over again. Aaarrrggghhh!

I know your pain. Sigh…

3

Fenris and Lexicon, separated at birth?

Film at eleven…

4

I would just like to request that Fenris’s rant be printed out and included in the packaging of every personal computer sold. Or perhaps silkscreened into the side of all monitors.

5

Also, I cannot fix the home computer from work via ESP and/or telekinesis. A short call stating “I’m having trouble with the 'puter, can you stop by later and look at it” will have exactly the same effect as a 20 minute dissertation on all the different ways your email is fragged and raving about “fatal exceptions” and so on. My boss would appreciate it, and frankly, so would I.

6

Hey, Fenris, I just (mentally) e-mailed that list to my dad. Let’s hope he’s psychic today.

I’m so there with you!

Extra sympathy if he got a new program or two for Xmas!

Jeyen

7

Fenris, I just wanted to say that I love you, and I want to bear your children.

8

Pay no attention to phouka, Fenris. She says that to everyone who rants about tech support woes. Such as me, for example.

Or was that someone else? Hmmmm.

9

Wow. I think I might have to copy this into a text document and send it to my parents and everyone else I know. I still remember the year 1995. We had just gotten a new computer and my dad got one of those printer/scanner/fax/copier/coffee machines that have like 15 functions, but never work right. Well, for the entire fucking year, it was my fault that the multi-fuckedup thing didn’t work, because I knew more about computers than anyone else in the family.

I also remember getting shit from my aunt when she bought a $5 sound card/joystick combo and I couldn’t figure out why it didn’t work correctly.

Fenris, thank you. I work in tech support for a living now, and I needed that to keep me from killing all these stupid fuckers who keep doing all this shit. First thing to put a real smile on my face so far today.

10

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me a family where everyone has been either using computers since they came about or grew up in the era of reading manuals and consulting relatives before making purchases.

And no, I don’t need anymore relatives. :smiley:

11

Saint Z,
My dad’s been using computers since they came out too (Trash-80 III), but until recently, he didn’t care how it worked as long as it worked and he didn’t try anything tricky. Now, he’s starting to figure out all the fun stuff that you can do with computers (and really is learning quickly) but…he’s at that stage where he knows enough to be dangerous.

Juanita,
Thanks and I’m adding your comment about hardware advice to my list when/if I actually give it to dad. (Don’t even ask about the “deal” he’d gotten on a “special” sound card about 3 years back: $16.00, mono, not sound-blaster compatible, didn’t come with drivers and the company had been out of business for a year.

Lexi,
I suspected we were seperated at birth when you wrote this.

Phouka: …but we hardly know each other! :smiley:

Everyone else: Thanks!

Fenris

12

I’d like your permission to send this to all of our field staff!

them: It won’t turn on. me: OK, push the power button again. them: What power button? me: The little round black button on the top of your keyboard. them: I can’t find a black button. Aggggggg!!!

I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job!

13

I’m just here to say I got a digital Elph for Christmas and couldn’t install the software correctly.

I apologize.

Yes, I phoned my tech friend, yes, he dropped by last night and fixed it all up for me.

Yes, I am truly blessed.

In my defense, I knew I should wait till he was here to help before I installed it, but my spouse was keen to see some photos printed so he was egging me on, he also got me the camera, though he’s even more excited about it than I am.

My tech friend, was also very excited about this camera. He has a one year old angelic baby girl and a great computer set up and figures we can shoot photos at his house and put them right onto his computer.

More importantly, I knew where I had screwed up with the installation, wrote down the dialog box that confused me. And I resisted the urgings of my spouse to try and uninstall or reinstall. And I knew it would be easy for my tech friend to fix because I had stopped immediately. And indeed, he had it fixed in a heartbeat.

Also I never fail to thank him profusely for all of his assistance. And I listen when he tries to teach me something I’ll need to know. This time it was that the plug in actually comes with an installer, though the dialog box only mentions moving it to a certain folder. So I learn something everytime he comes.

He is my very good friend, and married to my best friend.

I bow before his generosity and knowledge at every opportunity. He is currently in school, so he’s happy to do this for all and sundry, Mom’s, friends, in laws. But it can’t last, he’ll be out of school next month and then who knows where they’ll land. He’s very gifted and consistently wins prizes and awards, I’m certain he will have no difficulty getting a job.

So I will send out a great big thank you to everybody who ever came to the kind assistance of some newbie who was stumbling.

Did I mention I was blessed?

14

This was the best post I’ve ever seen. Really.

15

Argh!

My dad calls me today and wakes me up and wants tech support help to install his new printer.

This procedure is covered in Windows online Help, as I’ve told him 100 times. Help is going to tell him the exact same thing I’ll tell him.

But no, he wants me to talk him through it.

Maybe I cursed myself by posting earlier in this thread.

Sigh.

16

I work in computer operations. Mainframe computers. But all my relatives think I should know how to fix their home computer problems. I try to explain that there is a huge difference in the two, but they just don’t get it. They continually ask what I do at work if I cannot fix their simple little problem. If its a simple little problem why can’t they fix it them selves? Not really pit worthy, but I feel better.

17

Oh baby. I feel your pain.

My father in law is a genius endocrinologist working in nuclear medicine. He makes the lists of “best doctors” and is a “fellow” and all that crap that means something in the medical profession. He uses his computer to read MRIs remotely and other really cool things. He’s the best guy to have on your team when your thyroid goes tits-up.

But the man calls my husband all the time with things like “I keep saving this document, but it’s not on my disk!” “I can’t underline!” “Everything is froze up! Help!” He doesn’t understand windows, directories, pull-down menus, or the ESC key. I know you tech support folks understand the joy of trying to walk someone through those sorts of things, long-distance, over the phone, when they don’t know the basics.

There were a few weeks when Dad was editing a paper for submission to a journal, and my husband cringed and twitched every time our phone rang.

18

Never, ever call back for at LEAST three days. This gives the callee a chance to get tired of waiting and:

a.) Read the fucking manual (RTFM)

b.) Consult the online help options

c.) Call tech support

d.) Find another sucker

I am so jaded from family and friends calling and bugging me with computer questions, I’m at my wits end. I am a giving, nice person but I’ve hit my limit. I now have a policy of waiting, then when I call them back I ask if they have done all of the above options (except d). If they have not, I tell them that those are the steps they must follow each and every time before they call me.

If they complain and say “But you already know it”, I say something like “Yes, and I learned it by reading the manual, using help, and calling tech support. Buy a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime”.
Hey, I’m not 1-800-help-me. Give me a break! (literally)

Zette
(who is going back to school in Jan to persue a career that does NOT involve technical support. At that point I can bow out and say “I forgot” how to do everything)

19

I’ve reached the point of family gets one free major help, for a good meal out. After that it’s cash for them. Friends cash required. I almost removed the format command from someone’s system. Three times they didn’t think their system was working right, so they formatted the hard drive. The system was Windows 95 and they had a boot disk without the cd drivers. The Windows 95 cd was an upgrade, so they had no way to load the operating system. Your taking up a large portion of my free time, expect a bill.

20

The worst is when you grudgingly agree to help someone over the phone, and they absolutely cannot describe what’s on the screen worth a shit:

A conversation I once had:
Me: You’re in Word, right?
Them: Yes
Me: Ok, what’s on the screen now?
Them: The main menu
Me: What?
Them: It’s the main menu
Me: Can you describe it to me?
Them: It says “main menu”
Me: Ok, tell me every line, dot or word you see on the screen
Them: It says “main” and “control panel” and has little pictures.
Me: Does it say “Program Manager” at the top of the screen? (this was back in the win 3.1 days)
Them: Yes, but it’s in white lettering.
Me: If I could choke you through this phone, I would.
Oh, and Zette, I prefer this version: “Build a man a fire, and he’s warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”