Jesus Christ with a bullwhip in his rectum, read a fuckin’ book already.
Yeah, it’s me, I came back, just for a spell, to spout a little something about how fuckin’ stupid people can be. It’s been -what?- about 6-9 months now since my last tech support folly rant, so I figure I’m about due. No pun intended.
It’s just strange (to me) that the overwhelming majority of people who call in to (or otherwise contact) tech support are complete and total freakin’ retards. I’m not getting all high and mighty, either, like thinking they’re stupid because they don’t know about computers. That’s no sin, I don’t know about a lot of shit, that doesn’t make me stupid.
It’s the people who refuse to acknowledge their own ignorance that make me weep for the future of our species.
Look, I don’t know a damn thing about submarine engines, so if you asked me about them I would say “I don’t know, ask someone else.”
Or if I bought one and couldn’t figure out how to use it, I wouldn’t call up the Russian governement and say
“This piece of shit you sold me doesn’t work!”
“Well, do you know the first thing about how to use it?”
“Why should that matter?”
…
The point is that not knowing what something does or how something works is not a fault, but when you try to use it anyway, fuck it all up, and blame it all on someone else, it becomes a problem.
“You mean you can’t tell me how to network my new computer to my 3 old ones and set up an internet connection share for them all for free?”
Moron. Of course not. What makes you think that it should be free? Information technology is a multi-billion-dollar-a-year industry. Companies pay people 6 figure salaries to do what you’re talking about, if on a larger scale.
Of course, you could buy a “Home networks for dummies” book for 8 bucks, but that would be too much to ask, right?
Every time I talk to one of these sucking need holes (Val-props) I can’t stop thinking about Timmy on South Park…
“Phlease Heh Me.”
Sure, every once in a while you’ll get the guy who just needs some information or some specs, but for the most part it’s some idiot who wants to know if he should download the Code Red virus patch.
Well, sir, are you running a web server with IIS? No? Then don’t bloody worry about it!
Or some shmuck who thinks he needs the latest Mircosoft OS because his neighbor got it, and reads some article in a local computer rag that XP does not support NetBEUI, and calls up saying “Uh, Ah need ta upgrade mah netbooies!”
It’s not just customer shmucks, either. It’s people in general that you’ll talk to. They’ll say something, you’ll say
“I’m sorry?”
and they’ll say
“Sorry for what?”
For the love of shitflavored fuck ribbons, can’t you even talk? WTF is wrong with you? I guess you’ve never heard Carson Daily (sp?) say it, so it must not exist in your world, right?
I almost wish I could focus on a group here, like
“Goddamn women!”
or
“Goddamn men!”
or
“Goddamn young people!”
or
“Goddamn old people!”
or
“Goddamn asian people!”
or
“goddamn white people!”
or
“Goddamn Christians and their whey-blooded church!”
but I can’t. I have talked to old people who are dumb as a sack of hammers, and young people who have about as much brains as a jack-o-lantern has teeth.
I have talked to women who aren’t fit to carry a dead hooker’s panties in a sack, and men who couldn’t figure out how to push a wheel-barrow downhill in an avalanche.
Shit, I talk to one such women everyday, in addition to being a walking fucking Hee-Haw episode, the redneck butch is also one of my 5 managers.
“Was you late today? BELCH!” she grates at me like a rusty nail being drug across a chalk-board.
“No, Henrietta, I wasn’t.”
“Hey, then, you can call me Hank!”
I guess the only cool thing about having a female manager is that you still make more than she does.
(joking. sort of.)
In any case, I just can’t grasp how people can be so dirt dumbass stupid and still remember to breathe.
And also, why we can’t recognize them as such, and give them a good bitch slap when they need it.
I wish we lived in a society where it was socially acceptable to bitch slap anyone who was acting like a retard.
Think about it: We could legalize (or at least decriminalize) the Bitch slap, and then everytime someone needed a good old fashioned backhand, you could dole one out.
Sure, I would have (and I’m sure would continue to from time to time) receieved my share of bitch-slaps, but it would be worth it to be able to administer one when it’s sorely needed.
But alack, I muse. I may as well wish for a pony while I’m at it, or a million dollars, or a good SPAWN movie, or huge pectoral muscles, or a new softball mitt.
It’s really too bad that you can’t tell people they’re being stupid, and have to hide behind “professionalism”. Meh.
“Professionalism”: a soft term for “not telling idiots how fucking stupid they are”.
Check out these prime examples:
- “We’ll require all of our online techs to take lunches and breaks at the same time!”
Professional answer: “That sounds like a great idea, boss!”
Real answer: “You must be a fucking idiot, man.”
- “Let’s limit the hard drive allocation for the graphics editing department to 40 meg!”
Professional answer: “Good thinking, boss! That’ll lower costs, and save server workload.”
Real answer: “Why not just fire them? With only 40 meg, they can’t do their jobs anyway. What did you have for breakfast? A big bowl of Stupid Flakes?”
Of course, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.
