"trained monkeys"? Suck my white ass, shitbag!

The BBQ Pit
1

This thread And how do you end annoying phone conversations? really pissed me off. So here we are.

Okay, my trained monkeys, time to come together.

Every day, I talk to some of the dumbest fuckin’ people on Earth. This is because I am one of the trained monkeys in tech support.
I found it amusing to see a bunch of you morons get together to talk about the shitty service your receive. You know what? You’re most likely getting shitty service because you are an asshole. You can’t call people up and start telling them what’s what and who’s who and assume they are a shmuck before you even give them a chance. You can’t assume that the person on the other end is stupid just because they won’t help you and kiss your ass and all that.

You have to feel me on this. If you call your computer manufacturer and say that the screen on your laptop is broken because your three year old stepped on it, and the tech tells you that is not covered by your warranty (well, fuckin’ DUH!) you can’t get mad at the messenger.
Further, the tech is nice to you, when they want to say “You know, dumbass, if I know that if I paid $3,000 for something, and I knew it could be damaged by someone stepping on it, you know where I WOULDN’T put it? ON THE FUCKIN’ FLOOR YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS!” they don’t.

They want to say this, but they don’t want to get fired. So they swallow their guile and gently tell you that what happened is not covered and that you will need to have to pay have it repaired. Then they even go so far as to offer helpful suggestions, like call your insurance company and see if they can cover it.

You know what else? Most customers who end up pissed off get that way because they think are so fuckin’ smart when they are an idiot. They take on this “I’m going to call them and tell them what-for!”, whatever that means.

Seriously, you people who get all cheesed at customer service reps are dipshits. Customer service reps are there to help you. They are paid to listen to your problem and do whatever they can to help you out. When you have a problem that can’t be covered by the terms and conditions under which you purchased the product, what do you want the trained monkey to do? Change the policy just for you? Do you think that people who work these jobs have that kind of authority?

I can understand ranting about shitty service. I can understand getting frustrated with a problem. What I can’t understand is trying to resolve the issue by yelling and patronizing a flunky. That’s just stupid.

I know, I know, some jagoff is going to say “But but but in the thread that set you off, they said they don’t like it when they talk to someone who is not helpful and who won’t transfer you to someone who will.”
That’s bullshit, and I’ll tell you why. First of all, if they can’t help you, they usually have a good reason. If you want a second opinion, they can advise you to call back. Second, if they won’t transfer you, it’s because there is nowhere to transfer your dumb ass to. They have told you what the facts of the situation are, and you don’t like them. That sucks. You can call back and talk to someone else if you don’t believe them. You know what? Chances are that the next person is going to tell you the exact same shit.

It’s all about the corporate game here in America. And you want pity because you don’t know how to play? You think that you’re justified being total fucknar to some hapless working joe because you don’t know how to get results? That makes you appear to be a stupid-ass dumb fuckin’ idiot!

Do you really think a Fortune 500 company got to be that way by treating customers like shit? Do you really think that they have a warranty because everyone agrees on the way things should be? Hell no.

There are “terms and conditions” when you buy anything anymore. This is to establish a set of terms and conditions. Hence the name, you group of thundering morons known as the American Consumer. So when you didn’t read them, and it comes as a shock to you that the warranty on your new TV doesn’t cover damage to the screen, it’s not the fault of the company or the person you are yelling at and calling names.

You know what? If you don’t know your rights, you effectively don’t have any. You didn’t read the terms and conditions of the sale. You didn’t make yourself aware of your rights provided by state and federal law.

Some pussy asshole will probably say something like “They never told me…!” So fuckin what? What do you think that means? Nothing, not diddly shit. You didn’t ask. It’s not their fault your mom was also your sister.

Remember that the next time you call in looking for a fight. Or even if you call in looking for some help and don’t like the answer you get. I garuantee that if you’re nice, the person will want to help you. If you start telling them how to do their job, you’re fucked.

And another thing: All the cute ways you cock knockers “end those annoying calls when the trained monkeys” are doing their jobs are impotent. Nobody gives a fuck about some shmucks opinion. And you calling them “mentally handicapped”? They aren’t the one who expects to get a full refund 3 years down the road because the ceiling fan fell on their monitor.

Think about it.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Up your butt called, they want your head back. That way you can go about life as normal…

You bunch of knob gobbling fuckmonkeys.

2

Sounds like you work for Packard Bell.

3

Uh, Lexicon? I just wanted to say that I love you. No, I mean it - I really love you :slight_smile: :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :wink:

And this bit?

This bit truly rocks :slight_smile:

4

I asked what I consider a VERY straight-forward question to Gateway Tech Support: I have a GW GP-600 with BIOS version <whatever> (I gave them the specific revision level); what is the largest Hard Disk this will support?

I got the following answers:

  1. A link to the Motherboard specs that contained no mention at all what HD sizes are supported
  2. A link of where to buy Hard Disks online from Gateway
  3. The largest disk that is supported by a DIFFERENT BIOS
  4. Finally, a statement to the effect “You should be able to get about 143gig”.

A well-trained monkey could have seen that answers 1,2,3 don’t answer the goddamn question, and answer 4 is fucking vague (should? about? TELL ME WHAT IT SUPPORTS EXACTLY!!)

It shouldn’t take four goddamn emails repeating the same question to get an answer. I could see if they needed more info, but they never asked for more; they just kept sending answers to questions I did not ask.

Fucking under-trained retarded skunk-molesting monkeys.

5

Not even close.

If Packard Bell had the kind of service I’m talking about, they probably would still be an independant company and not owned by NEC. NEC sucks, too.

So does Compaq. Bunch of idiots. They were the number one selling computer in America, number three in the world, and now they are everyone’s bitch. Mismanagement due to full effect of the Peter principle.

So let’s see. That leaves us with Dell, Hewlett-Packard, Gateway, Micron, Toshiba, Fujitsu, Sony, and IBM. Take your pick, I don’t care who you think I work for. The fact that ALL major computer manufacturers sell junk is well-known. Everyone knows that the only way to get a good computer, you have to build it yourself.

And sandyr, I love you too. I love all my fellow trained monkeys.

I also wanted to add that Ultress is not included in the scope of my rant, nor is anyone else who had an intelligent reply to the thread that started this.

6

Bravo and Amen, Lexi.

I am a former trained monkey and a current monkey trainer at a local phone company.

I will grant the complainers that we do have a few reps who’s IQs don’t even approach room temperature; however, most of them are very good at their jobs.
I have some advice for you calling my reps. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND OPEN YOUR EARS - they know what they are talking about - you do not. Why do you call to ask a question and then, when you get the answer, call me a liar? I am sorry that it wasn’t the answer you wanted, but it is the correct answer. You people call my company and scream and accuse and threaten. You say we are cheating you, screwing you out of money, not giving you this that or the other, making up charges, etc. - since you are not listening to us, maybe you should listen to yourself and realize that what you are accusing goes against all logic. What company in the world would purposely drive customers away by overcharging and screwing with customers?

I have been called names that I couldn’t repeat even here in the Pit because I wouldn’t give twenty years worth of credit to a man who had destroyed one of our rental phones while remodeling his home twenty years ago. He destroys our property, and he wants me to pay him for it - but we are the trained monkeys.

I have been threatened with a shot gun because I couldn’t turn the service back on for a man who hadn’t paid his bill in six months (and, by the way, made it quite clear that he had no intention to pay) - but we are the trained monkeys.

I had a woman tell me that she hoped that I got into an accident on the way home and slowly, painfully bled to death because an ice storm damaged the paging tower and her pager was out for several hours. - but we are monkeys.

Multiple bomb threats, someone attempted to set the building on fire (during the day with all of us in it), keyed cars, slashed tires…

I have a million of them - shall I keep going?

From my experience it’s better to be a “trained monkey” than one of you untrained assholes.
I realize that the majority of people who call are not complete assholes - I’ve also spoken to some very nice people

7

Hey Revtim,
If you’re so smart, then why do you need their help? Answer me that, smart guy?
I don’t need to call tech support to find this shit out because I already know.

And you know what? I bet the answer they gave was correct, you’re just too ignorant to understand it. I bet they told you to update your BIOS so that it could recognize a max of 136 gigs. This is just common knowledge about Intel PII boards running AMI bios!

Jesus, it’s idiots like you that I’m talking about. You want to piss and moan because you don’t know how to use your computer.
Buy a book you fuckin lazy ass! Knowledge is power, so it aint free. What size hard drive. An elementary question that probably got an elementary answer.

So shut the fuck up and go peddle your bullshit in the other thread, where you’ll find others of your ilk who blame some company for their own ignorance.
You numbfuck douchebag.

8

What is truly sad is that some hi-tech companies actually do treat their TS people like trained monkeys. Some (not all) large national content providers come to mind.

Also bear in mind, more and more companies are outsourcing tech support, and the “quality control” issue becomes more tenuous.

These outfits will hire anyone off the street for 7 or 8 buks an hr, give two weeks of “training” (mostly how to pull up a script for whatever the problem is) and turn them loose “on the floor”. The people who actually know their shit aren’t allowed to exercise initiative in problem solving, they MUST stick with the script, and if they don’t clear X amount of calls per whatever time limit, adios.

BTW, they monitor these calls, and you WILL get jumped on for deviating from the prepared script, even if it actually solves the cutomers problem.

This bullshit, along with the usual amount of assholes and clueless morons mentioned in the OP contributes to turnover rates as high as 80% in some of these call centers.

So keep in mind, as ludicrous as it sounds, some of the TS people you talk to might not be idiots or jerks, they just aren’t ALLOWED to actually help you.

Been there…

9

You go Lexicon (thanks for not knocking the spelling too. Sometimes I write while in a rush).

First off, I work for a major telco doing sales/customer service and make a hell of a lot more than 7 or 8 dollars an hour. To be honest I hate my job. Know why? People like revtim. Assholes who call up and assume that I owe them the world and they can treat me like shit.

You’re the kind of person who signs a contract, decides to cancel the service because “lil billy” got tired of playing quake online and then yells and bitches about how you shouldnt have to pay early termination charges! What did you think a contract was???

I’m tired of people assuming that the people that they speak to when they call into on a customer service line are ignorant uneducated morons. The fact is that if you were a proper human being and could communicate your ideas, comments, or questions without acting like we should lick your friggin boots, we might actually help you. If you let us!

You would NEVER treat people in person the way you treat us on the phone (your to much of a wuss). Treat us like people and we’ll return the favor.

10

That’s what you consider common knowledge? I was thinking more along the lines of “What’s this cup holder for?” or “How do I turn the thing on?” And why should someone go buy a book to explain things when tech support is provided by the company for free? That’s asinine.

I in no way support being rude to nameless monkeys (to use your term) - I’ve been on both sides of the phone, but on the other hand, I don’t think it’s so much to expect that they treat us with respect in return, and realize that not everyone out there knows as much as them. That’s why they’re being asked questions, after all.

11

Just so you know, the I did not come up with the monkey thing. That’s why I provided a link. And I don’t really consider it common knowledge. The point I was trying to make is that it’s common knowlege among technical support people.
Revtim sent Gateway an e-mail. I don’t work for Gateway, but my I do know computers. My dad has a Gateway, and he e-mailed them about the same exact shit, and what they told him was right on.
Any tech who gets an e-mail with this question should be able to look at the system and parrot out “Update-your-bios-here-is-the-link-then-upgrade-your-hard-drive-thanks.”
This reply of course made no sense to my dad, who forwarded it to me so I could explain it.

And Klaatu, you make some excellent points, and are spot-on. Thanks for providing the info, I think it may help us reach an understanding.

12

I can’t presume to speak for anyone else (although I’m sure they’ll feel the same), but I can speak for myself and the reps I train. We DO treat all of our callers with respect. We are very kind to all of our customers - even the jerks.

We DO realize that the people calling do not know as much as we do - if they did we’d be out of a job. However, when we answer the question, there’s no reason to be rude to us because you don’t understand the answer. We are more than willing to stay on the phone as long as it takes to make someone understand, but instead of admitting they don’t get it and asking for clarification, most people get beligerent and start screaming and calling us names. There’s no reason for it.

A little tidbit I’ve learned from problems I’ve exprienced training the reps. I had a conversation with one of my reps, answered the question she asked me, and then she reported me to my boss for not helping her (she asked me what our DSL download speed is and I told her - she MEANT to ask me what the upload speed is (she doesn’t know the difference even though I’ve explained it a hundred times). Since she is too full of herself to ever admit that she could do something wrong, she complained that I was giving out false information (after I got it cleared up with my boss, she asked the rep about it - her response was that I should have known what she meant)). In short - sometimes we are correctly answering the question you are asking - you’re just not asking the right question. We’re not mind readers.

13

Lexicon, you absolutely slay me. I think this is the best rant I have ever read, and I’m not bullshitting you.

Computer Stupidities is a hilarious site. Some of you have probably already seen it, since I think I got it from SDMB in the first place.

14

I did not ask Gateway what is the biggest HD the machine will support with the latest BIOS; I asked what it would support with the BIOS that I currently have.

A perfectly straight-forward, totally unambiguous question. Yet, still beyond the understanding of Gateway tech support.

And don’t give me some bullshit about them only having to know what the latest BIOS will support. A user should not have to upgrade their BIOS with every fucking upgrade just to be able get enough information to perform the upgrade.

And go fuck yourself Pezpunk, I was perfectly professional and polite in my concise responses informing them that they were not answering my question, even though natural selection should have weeded these people out of all but the noisiest and hottest jobs.

And you really are trying to compare me with some idiot trying to get out of a contract? Did I sign some contract that tech support is allowed to fail to understand perfectly clear and concise questions about their products? Go blow a leprous grizzly, numbnuts.

15

Lexi, I was about to correct you about something you said about the company I work for, but I realize that if I did I might as well negotiate my soul into the next contract I sign.
Anyway, revtim. It was a straight forward question question you asked, but tech support, (contrary to popular belief) don’t have all the answers right away. it sounds like the fourth answer you were given was the Tech’s educated guess, after s/he had exausted all the information that they had at hand.
To everyone else who considers us trained monkeys:

Bite my ass. I work very hard listening to you fuckwads giving me your life story over the phone, and very little information about the problem. We understand if you have very little technical knowledge, (hell, thats what we’re here for), but giving us a verbal barage because we can’t fix a problem caused by your stupidity merely encourages us to put you on mute.

16

HEY ASSHOLE (revtim),
Perhaps you can’t read! Maybe you should call the company who made your glasses tech support number and give them a good tongue lashing about your poor eyesight! Contrary to popular, this issue is not specifically about you! It is about people as a whole who don’t think twice about who they are talking to when they call a tech support/customer service line.

The quote that followed the above paragraph;
“You’re the kind of person…” is clearly a segway disowning you specifically from the following actions and saying that you are lumped in with…well… the idiotic people I deal with on a daily basis.

And This;
“Go blow a leprous grizzly, numbnuts” what the hell is this? We are supposed to take you seriously with second grade playground talk? You sir are a cad!

17

This may be a highjack, but I think that it’s relevant.

Business Week had a cover story on ["Why Service Stinks"](http://www.businessweek.com/2000/00_43/b3704001.htm) in the October 23rd issue. It stated that companies, realizing that 20% of their clients are bringing in 80% of the money, are starting to organize their services to cater to the high-rollers. It used an example of an electric utility that had six reps to serve the top 350 clients, six reps for the 700 next to top spending clients, 2 reps for the middle 30,000, and an 800 number for the lowest 300,000 peons. What the fuck?

Okay, even if an company is not utilizing this policy for its tech support, a customer who has been shit upon by their bank, credit card company, store, airline, hotel, and phone company is going to at least subconsciously not expect much from a phone call, and be more likely to snap at that anoymous voice on the line. Not right on the customer's part, but an expected result of the dehumanization of service.
18

I know an awful lot about computer hardware, more than most PC support persons, and I certainly wouldn’t consider this “common knowledge” or an “elementary question” for the average comsumer. Especially given how many times BIOS firmware is upgraded, and how quickly it becomes obsolete.

I used to and still do phone technical support, for both the software I write and every machine it is installed upon. I had stepped out of this, but have taken it up again recently until I can hire another couple people. Unlike you, the way our service contracts are required to be written I can be sued for giving the wrong answer, or saying “gee, I don’t know”. With all due respect to you and your job, you have no freaking idea of the pressure of knowing that you, personally, can be in court if you cannot find an answer for the person on the phone who paid $350,000 for this hardware and software. Think about it.

Another thing bothered me…it appears that you are saying that everyone who calls you, by definition, must be dumb, or else they would not need your help?

I’ll tell you what makes me piss and moan - when I do the tech’s job for them, but they’re too stupid to figure it out.

Two nights ago, calling SWHell DSL Technical support:

Me: “Hi. I’m calling to tell you that your nameserver on 151.164.X.Y has died again and the secondary nameserver isn’t responding either. This is a known problem - I talked to Dave Z. just the other day about it in your Oklahoma office, badge number XXXX, and he says you are supposed to call Carol or Ted at X-XXXX and tell them that someone needs to reboot the machine named XXX-XXXXXX.net.”

Tech: “OK…what is your phone number?”

Me: “xxx-xxx-xxxx.”

Tech: “OK. Is your computer on? What operating system are you running.”

And then the dance of stupidity continues, as I am told things like I should “re-install Windows NT”, “turn off my DSL modem for a full day” (!) (and then see if I can see this, what did you I call it, “nameserver”?), etc.

There’s no defense for this sort of stupidity. Especially when I’m the one telling them the names and numbers of who to call (and no, outside lines cannot reach those people directly).

19

Pezpunk,

if your insults were not directed at me, I apologize. And you are right, the “leprous grizzley” thing was kinda lame. It was before my coffee time…

20

And regarding Lexicon’s reply to me, I took that as a joke. Don’t tell me you were serious with that stream of idiocy!