I pit the end user

Attention users. You are all dumbasses.

You there, the guy who walked up to my desk and said “Hi, the keyboard on my laptop doesn’t work.” Then when I tell you I don’t know why it doesn’t work and I would have to take a look at it, responded with “Oh, I don’t have time for you to look at it.” You are a dumbass. Don’t come up to me and tell me about your problem and then tell me you don’t have time for me to work on your problem. You are a dumbass.

That other guy who has a bad fan on his laptop, when I tell you that I can give you a loaner and then send your laptop in to be repaired under warranty, don’t tell me you’re too busy to give up your laptop. I can help you migrate your data so everything you need is available on the loaner. That is, except if you give me crap for three weeks about having a bad fan on your laptop but you can’t possibly give up the laptop. Ooops, your laptop’s in repairs, I can’t get that document for you now. Dumbass.

When I walk past you with a cart full of equipment for new coworkers, please don’t say “Wow are you going to set me up with 4 monitors?” or “Oh, are you going to upgrade me to 80 GB of memory?” or “Are you going to give me a new PC?” No, no, and no. You can barely use the two monitors that you have already, dumbass, your PC is currently maxed out with memory, dumbass, and you are a dipshit, dumbass.

Hey keyboard guy, thanks for reminding me that your keyboard still doesn’t work and you still don’t have time for me to look at it. You’re still a dumbass.

When I am working on your buddy’s PC, feel free to walk up and say “Broke your PC again? I guess you shouldn’t have been looking at all that porn!” That was funny the first few thousand times I heard it, but it is getting a little old now. Try something new like “Did you break you PC? I’m lucky mine still works because I’m such an ignorant fart bubble that I probably should have broken it 12 times by now.”

Likewise the person who says “I don’t know how to use them, I just sell them.” Again, that was moderately amusing the first time, monkeyboy, but it’s fracking old now. Stop and think for a moment about how that attitude may help you sell to clients. If I walk into a car dealer and ask the sales guy how many tires this model has and he responds with “I don’t know anything about cars, I just sell them” I’m walking out the door and across the street to his rival.

To the guy who plugged a UPS into itself, then called for support because it was beeping, please dip your wiener in a gallon of bleach, maybe we can help prevent you from spreading your noxious seed.

Don’t walk up to my desk and say “I hate to bother you, but…” If you hate to bother me, then don’t.

Don’t walk up to my desk and say “I’m having this problem [describe problem here], should I just go back and call the helpdesk?” No, go back to your desk, grab the heaviest thing that you can find, and then hit yourself in the head with it. Did [problem] go away? Mine did.

When I ask you to reboot your PC to clear the error don’t get huffy. When I ask you to remove an unsupported program, don’t get huffy. When I tell you that “Because Joe has it” is not a valid business reason to get something, don’t get huffy. When I tell you to contact the vendor for help troubleshooting your brand new $400 wireless headset because it’s not working on your phone, don’t get huffy. When I tell you that I won’t help you install your new Ergotron Sit Stand contraption, don’t get huffy. Those things make you look like a jackass anyway, jackass.

When I show up at your desk to install that program that you had to have. Don’t tell me you are really busy and ask if I can come back after hours. I work during hours too, you know. Do you think I’m just napping in the broom closet or something?

On the same note, when I show up at your desk to fix the problem you called for help with. Don’t ignore me because you’re on the phone. I know you may be in the middle of something important like discussing last night’s baseball scores or your vet’s diagnosis of your dog’s diarrhea, but at least have the common decency to look at me and acknowledge my presence with a “hold on” or a “one minute” signal.

Please don’t email me saying that you have a new coworker starting tomorrow and could I please get him all set up? Here, let me drop all my other requests from people who submitted theirs in a timely fashion to help you with yours. Don’t complain the next day when the newbie only has a computer and a log in, all the other teams that need to give your guy a phone and appropriate access are busy too.

Managers who move their people around willy nilly and directors who decide to move 200 people on one floor just to shake things up a bit. Stop it, buttheads.

People who IM me because their AD account is locked. Call the helpdesk, I am not your personal support tech. Or just sit there scratching your ass and waiting for me to respond, let’s see what happens first: me answering or you rupturing all the pus swollen zits on your ass.

That guy who said “I wish I got to wear jeans to work” to his buddy as I walked by. Shut up. You don’t know jack shit.

When I’m working on your problem, please don’t tell me all your technical certifications, I could give a ratking’s ass. Please don’t tell me that you used to be a technician or an AS/400 admin somewhere else. Are you a technician right here and now? Then it doesn’t count.

The people who save every single thing they’ve ever had, every stupid pointless email goes into a local archive folder until it’s over 8GB, save every document and spreadsheet ever in My Docs, spend the day watching streaming content until his temp Internet file folder is bursting at the seams, and listen to Spotify until that folder swells up to 5GB, then email the helpdesk saying “My PC is slow, can you give me another?” You are all dumbasses.

Do not complain about new technology that is being implemented to me. If you want to work at a place that does not immerse itself in new technology, then go work in a bakery or blacksmith. I love bread and I like horses, so I will always appreciate your work there.

Suck it up princess, you get paid to fix other peoples shit. Don’t like it, fuck off and work for the Geek Squad or something. Whiner.

You are a pustule and have the reading comprehension of a stroke-addled labrador retriever. There is nothing about doing support that means that people have to cheerfully deal with the extraneous stupidity that their entitled, asshole clients try to foist off on them. Treat people doing service for you like fucking people, and if you’re paying them for their expertise, listen when they try to give you the benefit of that expertise.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re a pustule and you’ll just continue to give service people shit because you can.

Since you’re clearly unable to draw logical conclusions from what you read I will be explicit: If anyone’s acting like the worthless, entitled scion of inbred aristocracy it’s not the OP.

Customers and people in general are fucking stupid. Liquor helps I hear.


You ever considered that people like the OP get treated like shit because they treat their ‘customers’ like shit? You reap what you sow and all that.

Personally, I treat anybody providing me with a service with respect right up to the point where they stop treating me with respect. If the OPs attitude is evidenced in his behaviour, then, yes, I would probably treat him with contempt and he’d fucking deserve it.

Oh, I dunno. I’m a man of the people and all that jazz and while I agree with the general thrust of the rant, several of the specifics strike me as being a little speshul, like the anger over “Hate to bother you,”. Dude, it’s generic language meant to soften the implied imperative in the request.

It’s a good thing you don’t work in retail customer support, because that is exactly what it means out here. I solve problems with a smile, no matter how moronic their problem.

You have some valid complaints, but for these items, either you’re having a case of the Mondays or you’re sort of a prick. Noting that how most of your complaints make you look moody or prickish, I’m guessing this is more your problem than other peoples’.

There is a point, I think, where specific job annoyances can metastasize into a generalized loathing of everyone and everything you have to deal with, where you simply hate the sight of your customers/clients with an uncontrollable, irrational, almost animal passion, even when they’re not really doing anything wrong. It’s happened to me before, and it seems like it may have happened to the OP, and if so it’s a big flashing neon sign that it’s time to move on to a different job.

Well, I for one thought it was a great rant.

I’m picturing it as delivered by Mr. Incredible (from THE INCREDIBLES) in his civilian-day-job suit from the early-mid part of the film.

Fortunately, I treat everyone well and I provide excellent customer service. I also typically close the most cases per month and get excellent yearly reviews, in case anyone was worried that I’m some kind of entitled slacker.

Does the stroke-addled labrador retriever have diarrhea? If so, I remember that dog.

If this was posted on an exclusively-IT-worker-oriented board, it would have gotten five stars, or Wookies, or whatever. But I’m thinking that a few too many people here have been on the other end of these exchanges for them to really embrace the rant to their bosoms.

I don’t have any IT people to deal with, though in the past I have both been the IT person and been irritated with the IT person, so I’m Switzerland.

Good for you, and good to see you working out your frustrations here rather than on your ‘customers’.

One of my favorite lines from the movie is from Mr. Incredible right at the begining: No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for… for ten minutes!

I feel like that very often.

Actually, that is in my job description.

That’s pretty much the default for service rants. People smile and act professional to the idiots, then come here and bitch anonymously.

But for some reason, there’s always a few people on the board who think any kind of complaint in any context means the complainer must be an unprofessional jackass on the job too.

Speak for yourself. I’ve never had a non-approved thought while on corporate time. That’s just good manners.

I had your job, if you can’t laugh at the dumbasses you need another job.