Attention users. You are all dumbasses.
You there, the guy who walked up to my desk and said “Hi, the keyboard on my laptop doesn’t work.” Then when I tell you I don’t know why it doesn’t work and I would have to take a look at it, responded with “Oh, I don’t have time for you to look at it.” You are a dumbass. Don’t come up to me and tell me about your problem and then tell me you don’t have time for me to work on your problem. You are a dumbass.
That other guy who has a bad fan on his laptop, when I tell you that I can give you a loaner and then send your laptop in to be repaired under warranty, don’t tell me you’re too busy to give up your laptop. I can help you migrate your data so everything you need is available on the loaner. That is, except if you give me crap for three weeks about having a bad fan on your laptop but you can’t possibly give up the laptop. Ooops, your laptop’s in repairs, I can’t get that document for you now. Dumbass.
When I walk past you with a cart full of equipment for new coworkers, please don’t say “Wow are you going to set me up with 4 monitors?” or “Oh, are you going to upgrade me to 80 GB of memory?” or “Are you going to give me a new PC?” No, no, and no. You can barely use the two monitors that you have already, dumbass, your PC is currently maxed out with memory, dumbass, and you are a dipshit, dumbass.
Hey keyboard guy, thanks for reminding me that your keyboard still doesn’t work and you still don’t have time for me to look at it. You’re still a dumbass.
When I am working on your buddy’s PC, feel free to walk up and say “Broke your PC again? I guess you shouldn’t have been looking at all that porn!” That was funny the first few thousand times I heard it, but it is getting a little old now. Try something new like “Did you break you PC? I’m lucky mine still works because I’m such an ignorant fart bubble that I probably should have broken it 12 times by now.”
Likewise the person who says “I don’t know how to use them, I just sell them.” Again, that was moderately amusing the first time, monkeyboy, but it’s fracking old now. Stop and think for a moment about how that attitude may help you sell to clients. If I walk into a car dealer and ask the sales guy how many tires this model has and he responds with “I don’t know anything about cars, I just sell them” I’m walking out the door and across the street to his rival.
To the guy who plugged a UPS into itself, then called for support because it was beeping, please dip your wiener in a gallon of bleach, maybe we can help prevent you from spreading your noxious seed.
Don’t walk up to my desk and say “I hate to bother you, but…” If you hate to bother me, then don’t.
Don’t walk up to my desk and say “I’m having this problem [describe problem here], should I just go back and call the helpdesk?” No, go back to your desk, grab the heaviest thing that you can find, and then hit yourself in the head with it. Did [problem] go away? Mine did.
When I ask you to reboot your PC to clear the error don’t get huffy. When I ask you to remove an unsupported program, don’t get huffy. When I tell you that “Because Joe has it” is not a valid business reason to get something, don’t get huffy. When I tell you to contact the vendor for help troubleshooting your brand new $400 wireless headset because it’s not working on your phone, don’t get huffy. When I tell you that I won’t help you install your new Ergotron Sit Stand contraption, don’t get huffy. Those things make you look like a jackass anyway, jackass.
When I show up at your desk to install that program that you had to have. Don’t tell me you are really busy and ask if I can come back after hours. I work during hours too, you know. Do you think I’m just napping in the broom closet or something?
On the same note, when I show up at your desk to fix the problem you called for help with. Don’t ignore me because you’re on the phone. I know you may be in the middle of something important like discussing last night’s baseball scores or your vet’s diagnosis of your dog’s diarrhea, but at least have the common decency to look at me and acknowledge my presence with a “hold on” or a “one minute” signal.
Please don’t email me saying that you have a new coworker starting tomorrow and could I please get him all set up? Here, let me drop all my other requests from people who submitted theirs in a timely fashion to help you with yours. Don’t complain the next day when the newbie only has a computer and a log in, all the other teams that need to give your guy a phone and appropriate access are busy too.
Managers who move their people around willy nilly and directors who decide to move 200 people on one floor just to shake things up a bit. Stop it, buttheads.
People who IM me because their AD account is locked. Call the helpdesk, I am not your personal support tech. Or just sit there scratching your ass and waiting for me to respond, let’s see what happens first: me answering or you rupturing all the pus swollen zits on your ass.
That guy who said “I wish I got to wear jeans to work” to his buddy as I walked by. Shut up. You don’t know jack shit.
When I’m working on your problem, please don’t tell me all your technical certifications, I could give a ratking’s ass. Please don’t tell me that you used to be a technician or an AS/400 admin somewhere else. Are you a technician right here and now? Then it doesn’t count.
The people who save every single thing they’ve ever had, every stupid pointless email goes into a local archive folder until it’s over 8GB, save every document and spreadsheet ever in My Docs, spend the day watching streaming content until his temp Internet file folder is bursting at the seams, and listen to Spotify until that folder swells up to 5GB, then email the helpdesk saying “My PC is slow, can you give me another?” You are all dumbasses.
Do not complain about new technology that is being implemented to me. If you want to work at a place that does not immerse itself in new technology, then go work in a bakery or blacksmith. I love bread and I like horses, so I will always appreciate your work there.