A few requests:
-Knocking stuff off of my bedside table at 5 am is not going to make me get up and feed you any earlier.
-Don’t poop in the bathtub when you think the litterbox is too full. I’ll get to it.
-Don’t drink out of my glass. I don’t drink out of your water dish.
-When playing “Let’s Chase Each Other Through the House at Top Speed in the Middle of the Night”, stay out of the bedroom, and especially stay off the bed. Having my eye stepped on is not an experience I want to have again.
-If you have to sneeze, don’t sneeze on my face. When I’m asleep.
-Try not to drool when I’m petting you. And moreover, if you have to drool, don’t shake your head!
-When you’re in the process of hacking up a hairball, stay in one spot. Don’t walk all over the house retching so that there are little puddles of foamy spittle all over the place.
-Don’t EVER throw up in my shoes again.
-If you get a cling nugget stuck to your butt, don’t drag your rear across the floor. That will only get your butt hair woven into the turd, and make it more difficult to clean off.
-If you get a cling nugget, don’t run through the house like a madman, causing the turd to fly off into a corner where I will find it later when I’m cleaning.
-Chewing a plastic bag while glaring at me an hour before dinner is not going to make me feed you early.
-Don’t bite my ankles while I’m trying to practice singing. It’s rude.
-Plastic bags and cardboard are not part of a cat’s balanced diet, so stop trying to eat them!
-Leave the Grumpy Old Lady Cat alone. She deserves to sleep all day if she wants, she’s 15 years old. And she does not want to play with you, no matter how cute you are.
Please take these into consideration and try not to drive me insane (I can get there on my own quite well, thank you).
moggy cat one to moggy cat two : Did you hear something?
[celestina wiping the tears from her eyes she’s been laughing so hard]
Oh dear. moggy, I’m sorry you’re having trouble with your kitties, but I want to thank you for your post. I needed a good laugh today. 
You’ve really got your hands full, and I hate to tell this, but you’re going to have to concede defeat. Gracefully accept the superior intelligence of your pets. They’ve got you trained just right, and they’re not going give up the kind of power they have over you without a big fight. By the way, what kind of cats do you have and how old are they?
That has got to be the funniest thing today. Thank you, I needed that.
Obviously you do not play your cats enough.
Funny shit man. 
One word: Nair.
Your bald cats will live in fear of you forevermore.
I think your cats and my cats have been talking. You left out the part about standing in front of the computer monitor.
Old Scratch: LOL!! I love the look on the cat’s face in the third picture!
Celestina: I have 5 cats: Cio-Cio (pronounced Cho-Cho-it’s Italian) who is a tortoiseshell domestic shorthair, she’ll be 16 years old this fall. Nicknames include The Antique and Grumpy Old Lady. Pippa, a black-n-white domestic longhair who happens to think she is The Queen of Everything, she’s 10 years old. Her nicknames include Bitcha, Poopa,and DeathButt (because what comes out of that end stinks up the whole neighborhood). Twinkle, another tortie DSH who is 4 years old and my baby. I hand-raised her from the time she was 2 weeks old and she’s very loving and friendly. Nicknames Twinks, Twinkie, Twinkly-Boo. (Before I decided to keep her & name her I called her various things like Kitten, Pee-Wee, BooBoo Head, and My Little Poop Factory)
Then there’s Olli, another dsh, also black-n-white. God, he’s 3 now. He came into the animal hospital where I used to work as a stray who had been hit by a car and his back legs were broken. We thought for a while we’d have to put him to sleep. He’s still the size of a 6 month old kitten- it’s like all his energy went into healing his back legs instead of growing. He is a MAJOR spaz- sometimes I think he’s brain damaged. He’s recently become a little more affectionate, altho when the doorbellmonster screams, he’s gone for hours.
Nicknames: Spaz, Little Bent-Tail (from nerve damage I think), Lil Olli FooFoo, Foof, Foof-ly, Foofers. I even made up a song, to the tune of “Little Bunny FooFoo”- sing with me now: “Little Olli FooFoo, Hoppin thru the bedroom, stalkin all the big girls and bitin them on the tail.”
Last but not least is my husband’s cat, Cadillac, a big fluffy brown and white tabby. He’s about 8 and he is TOO COOL. He’s very chatty. He’s so cool the only thing I call him is “Big FLuffy Head”. Sometimes. Only sometimes.
Lawks a mercy, but I dos go on! Don’t EVEN ask me to tell you funny or gross vet stories or we’ll be here for hours!
The moral of the story is: this is what happens from working at a vet’s- you get all the castoffs (Twinkle was also a stray someone found & I adopted another cat thru the vet who died unexpectedly). I’m either too kindhearted or incredibly stupid.
Awwww. Thanks for sharing, moggy. I think you’re too kindhearted, and those cats are lucky to have you.
…and chasing the mouse pointer on the screen until he steps on the “sleep” button.
Priceless.
May I just add one?
I know you don’t like the new cat no matter how hard I’ve tried to reassure you you’re not being displaced. However, I’m not going to get rid of him just because you’re peeing all over my furniture so CUT IT OUT! Thank you.
http://www.geocities.com/bad_pets/BadPets/BadKitty.html
Warning: EXTREMELY addictive.
My dear Fluffy always thought it was funny to cry like she was having a hairball, then when you approached her, take off like a bat out of hell.
Misty and Noel, on the other hand, hate having hairballs, and will try to SWALLOW THEM BACK DOWN. I’m afraid they’re going to choke.
Somehow my cat manages to displace my pillow in the middle of the night. I’ll often wake up with a cat instead of a pillow and a face full of fur.
Moggy,
I set the babel-fish translater to feline and passed your excellent rant through it. Only a couple of statements survived.
-[sub]Knocking stuff off of my bedside table at 5 am is not going to[/sub]**make me get up and feed you [sub] any earlier. [/sub]
-[sub] Don’t [/sub] ** poop in the bathtub [sub]when you think the litterbox is too full. [/sub]**I’ll get to it. **
-[sub]Chewing a plastic bag while glaring at me an hour before dinner is not going to[/sub]**make me feed you early. **
-**Plastic bags and cardboard [sub]are not part of a cat’s balanced diet, so stop trying to[/sub] eat them! **
-[sub]Leave the [/sub]**Grumpy Old Lady Cat **[sub]alone. She [/sub]**deserves to **[sub]sleep all day if she wants, she’s 15 years old. And she does not want to [/sub]play with you[sub], no matter how cute you are.
Uh, Oldie? That cat SO doesn’t look like she’s having a good time.
I can’t even claim that excuse as I’m at work. However, now that you mention it, one of my cats likes to hop up on the desk at home while I’m online and rub his face on my hand. That has caused some inadvertant clicking on my part.
Except for the part about practising singing you could be talking about MY cats!!!
My oldest cat, Psycho, STILL has not gotten over the fact that we brought a baby home from the hospital. Said baby will be three years old in August. He will often walk by her while she’s sitting on the floor playing, and without breaking stride, reach out and pop her over the head.
As someone once said, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as gods. The cats have never forgotten this.
Sounds like they need a Cat Scan
It’s a cat’s diary.