I don’t wish to impugn your competence at doing these chores (I certainly couldn’t handle them, myself), but I think you might have accidentally moved this thread into Threadspotting, when you were trying to get it into MPSIMS…
d & r
I hardly ever go into MPSIMS, and if I keep this thread HERE, I get to read the latest additions. So there. 
To the late, lamented Puppycat: You never did stop sneaking into the bathroom when I was in the tub and then putting your head on the edge of the tub. No matter how many times you did it, it also scared the hell out of me. And when you walk around the edge of the tub, you would slip and fall in and get wet. Never learned that. And attacking an open bottle of shampoo was never a good idea. You hated that I had to bathe you to get it off your fur.
I miss my puppycat.
Dinah, little Siamese-fiend-cum-nemesis that you were, I’m sure that if there’s a Kitty Valhalla you’ve wormed your little body in their by now. For your sake, I’m hoping there are lots of New, Easily Digestible Rubberbands for your between-meal snacks, and milk glasses to poach from, and Cheez-its to chase. Perhaps you’ve finally learned that the Screaming Pinkish Thing With Grabby Paws (me) is not going away, having survived your lessons that teasing your whiskers was A Not Good Idea.
And you know, you lucky little kink-tailed handbag, perhaps you’ve been reunited with your (meaning our) mother. You always were a jealous sibling, but perhaps in the end you earned that. Give her a lick from me.
Thank you all for such great laughs! I just had to post my own…hope no one minds.
To my dear beloved Schatzie:
I have raised you from 6 weeks old, when I had to hand feed you, and I love you soooo much, but please, try to refrain from standing on my tummy when I lay in bed reading. I know its hard, seeing as how its sticking out there right now, but I already have a baby pressing down on my bladder making me have to pee every 20 minutes as it is…trust me, you arent helping! Also, I appreciate that you are worried about me when I shower in the mornings, but you sitting on the bathmat meowing at me is getting quite annoying, and it doesnt make me shut the water off any sooner! And when I am in the kitchen cooking supper, please dont sit behind me meowing incessantly! Go bug your daddy! All he’s doing is layng on the couch watching tv…I’m busy! And last, but certainly not least…I have trouble sleeping at night as it is right now, and I’m here to tell you…thats MY PILLOW!! No amount of meowing or head-butting me is going to make me give it up. You are allowed to sleep on the bed…as long as its at the bottom! Overall, you are a good kitty, though, and as I stated at the beginning, I do love you!
To Fred: If you could at least provide an explanation as to why you enjoy water so much. You’re a cat fer chrissake! I’m more than happy to leave the faucet running for you, but when you lay in the sink and let the water accumulate around your body it makes for Wet Cat, and that’s not so fun for us. The dandruff and the static is getting unbearable.
Also, does it taste better when it runs off your head like that? I’m guessing by the purring it does.
To my “cat” Phoebe: Don’t think you’re fooling anyone. Cats are supposed to be graceful, clean, and aloof. You are clumsy, filthy, and friendlier than my border collie. You are not a cat, I don’t care what the vet says.
Speaking of my border collie, stop being so damn friendly with Ajax! He’s only a dog, and hasn’t figured out that you are not a cat. He expects you to hiss, spit, flee, or even attack him. He just can’t handle it when you rub up against his legs and purr. The poor pooch is going to need a therapist if you keep this up.
My Babybird rapes shoes. Vigourously. Mainly in the summer, and mainly guys’ shoes. I don’t see what she sees (smells) in them.
OK, there’s been a lot about pervert cats; how about canines who get kinky with them? WARNING – SOME WILL NOT FIND THIS POLITICALLY CORRECT (Moderator, you may edit as you see fit). I ask you see past the terminology to the truth underneath. My father owns a three-pound teacup poodle – otherwise known as a big-city sewer rat with a bad home perm. This abomination of nature is, to all appearances, female, and at least two vets said they’d swear in court “she” really is a she. The ratdog grew up with my Starlet around. For some insane reason, Ratdog tries to hump Starlet, as if Ratdog were wearing a strap-on. Ratdog does not own one, but Starlet will lay still for a while, looking bored as if she were reading the White Pages, then stand up (throwing off a still-humping Ratdog) and walk away. Starlet had a MAJOR crush on the late, sainted, Nick (much to his embarassment – he was old enough to be her great-to-the-nth-degree grandfather), so I’m pretty sure she’s not a feline “lipstick lesbian”, and I doubt she’s bi (or, at least, serious about it). As for Ratdog – she’s getting a rainbow-striped sweater for Christmas. . . .
Sardine (aka Mr. Kitty, Mr. Pants, Plumage)
[ul]
[li] you AND your sister are fixed. She doesn’t appreciate your occasional amorous advances. You are not Hugh Fluffner. Even if it does look like you’re wearing a smoking jacket because of that silky black fur of yours.[/li][li] You are a CAT not a DOG. Stop acting like a guard dog when people come over. It’s sad to have to tell people to “don’t touch that cat - he’s psycho”, when in reality, you are the most affectionate, loving beast.[/li][li] Your favorite toy is a sandwich bag with a handful of dried macaroni in it. This is not normal.[/li][li] No, you cannot sleep under the covers with me when I don’t have a shirt on. I don’t need my nipples licked when I’m asleep, resulting in a jerk awake.[/ul][/li]
Annie (aka Creepy, Thunder Buffalo, RatFink)
[ul]
[li] People coming into the house are not killers. They will not destroy you.[/li][li] Stop scratching the freaking mattress when we’re asleep!![/li][li] When you’re beating up your brother, have some mercy! He’s crying like you’re ripping his throat out.[/li] Lose some weight, eh? You’ve got udders.[/ul]
To Magellan,
Please, please, please, for the love of God stop darting in front of my car when I’m pulling into the driveway. It’s dangerous. Don’t you ever wonder why you were nicknamed Deathwish?
I find the paw prints you leave on my windshield and the hood of my car absolutely adorable. My mom doesn’t. If you must lay on top of a car, pick mine.
Don’t give me that dirty look when I walk past you and go into the nice air-conditioned house. It’s not my fault you’re not allowed inside-it’s Mom again. I leave the door open “accidentally” as often as I can, don’t I?
Of course, even if you never rememeber these, I’ll still love you because you’re just so damned cute.