An Xmas gift reaction.

Except the grandparents aren’t spending anything on anyone. It’s the wife who’s been charged with that task. Granted, the GP’s are financing the wife’s spending spree. But that’s not the same thing.

It’s also natural to assume they’re planning to take credit for whatever work the wife ends up having to do. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if Frylock’s wife takes a lot of heat for trading out the single Kohl’s card for individual Visa cards, “against their wishes” as they’ll probably say. These type of rich manipulators thrive on conflict.

Why not both? Because both have happened–the latter prior to the former.

I’m with MandaJo on this one. They didn’t give her a gift, they gave her a job - at a time of year when she’s probably already overloaded with jobs. Not in itself worth crying over, but an understandable reaction if the real problem is that she’s stressed out of her last nerve over the whole Christmas Thing - and many people are stressed out of their last nerves over the whole Christmas thing.

I won’t give any advice - I think the advice you’ve already been given to basically syphon off some of the crush of extra responsibility that she’s probably feeling is good, but that advice seems already to have been offered and accepted :slight_smile:

Your kids are all still quite young, aren’t they? Like …primary school age? (says she, totally guessing) That would increase stress levels considerably.

I really don’t get how many people in this thread are calling her a jerk for being upset about this. I’m catching a strong whiff of “well if that’s the way you feel, how 'bout next year they … (cue dramatic pause) …don’t give anything at all?. Huh? How’d you like that?” And it’s possible that “how’d she like that” is “quite a lot more”. I’m guessing that her preferences might run something like this:

  1. No money or gift whatsoever - handwritten christmas cards to each kid
  2. Asking what they’d like, getting it for them, with no thought involved (but also no “you said she was after the last Harry Potter book, so we got her the Narnia series”)
    3)Nothing
    4)A $400 gift card to somewhere she never shops

And I’m also guessing that part of the stress she feels is due to knowing that there’s a general expectation out there (viz: the people in this thread who called her a jerk) that she ought to feel like she’s getting a Level 1 gift, when in fact she’s getting a Level 4 gift. They’re giving a bunch of what she apparently doesn’t really value (money) and nothing of what she does (time and effort) and people are going to think she’s a bad human being if she doesn’t feel the right thing (grateful)

Happy Christmas!

$100 per kid at Kohls is really worth more like $170 when you consider their 30% off + $10/$50 Kohls Cash deals that they run every other week. I would be surprised if the kids can’t find stuff they like on the Kohls website; no trip to the store needed. Wait and do it after Christmas when the kids are on break and need stuff to keep them entertained.

I’m not sure how to address this. I know how I feel… and… perhaps its a bit more sharp that the Holidays should allow.

With permission, I’d like to double-spoiler box words from a man better suited than I in regard to handling a situation so wrought with… emotion…

[Spoiler] (bolding mine)

[spoiler] “A Merry Christmas, Bob,” said Scrooge, with an earnestness that could not be mistaken, as he clapped him on the back. “A merrier Christmas, Bob, my good fellow, than I have given you for many a year.
** I’ll raise your salary, and endeavour to assist your struggling family, and we will discuss your affairs this very afternoon, over a Christmas bowl of smoking bishop, Bob.
Make up the fires, and buy another coal-scuttle before you dot another i, Bob Cratchit!**”

Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew,
or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe,
for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms.

His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.

He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!

[/spoiler][/spoiler]

Giftcard in the horse’s mouth and all, but I do have some sympathy for the mom in the story.

My dad’s parents, starting in the early 90’s have, instead of shopping, simply given my mother money so my mom can do their Christmas shopping for us instead. This leads to the charade of my mom buying clothes for me that she knows I will never wear, that will be returned, and for which I will wind up with cash. In recent years she’s just given me the cash early, while still buying stuff for grandma to “wrap” (if throwing things in a gift bag counts as wrapping, which it doesn’t, btw) which will get returned sometime in the near future. One year I gave mom a list of books I wanted so they could give me those, yet the next year they specifically told her she had to get me clothes. Clothes that I wound up returning. I hate clothes, I hate trying to find clothes, no way are you going to be able to annually find clothes for me to wear.

I realize they don’t have to give anything, yadda yadda yadda, it’s still an annoyance. I do still thank them and all, I’m not rude about it, I just wish they weren’t so stuck in whatever made them so insistent that gifts had to be that way.

Having parents and divorced parents and remarried parents, my kid has a crap ton of grandparents, and they run the range from “generous and thoughtful and perfect-gift givers” to “good intentions, but clueless” to “wait, I have a grandkid? oh whatever.” Your wife’s reaction seems a little over the top.

It sounds like you are saying it’s okay if people have these strong negative reactions about gifts, as long as they aren’t rude to the gift-giver, which may be okay in theory, but I would still worry that she’s not doing herself any good by getting so upset. I think most of us have encountered situations where our emotional reaction comes on quickly and strongly, and that’s not something we can control in the moment. I get that she felt upset. I am sympathetic that she felt disappointed. What seems missing to me is that a lot of adults are reflective after these moments – there’s an awareness that the response was a little too much for the situation, and we try to focus on how to move forward (not in terms of what to do with the card, but rather how to let go of the frustration and try to appreciate the intention of the giver). From your description, it reads to me like your wife continues to hold firm that there is a “right” gift and a “wrong” gift and your parents picked “wrong.”

And I’m also thinking that even if she tries very hard to keep these reactions to herself, your kids are possibly picking up on her attitude (I swear, with kids, it’s like they read emotions out of thin air, even when you think you are only talking about issues when they’re not around) and do you really want to prep them for life thinking this is a good reaction to when you receive a gift that is not what you would have selected for yourself?

This is especially so when there are so many good and easy options to improve the situation, like the one your wife decided on (trading the gift card with someone else) as well as the many excellent ideas in this thread. The situation was not nearly as daunting as your wife’s reaction would indicate.

I agree–which is why I reiterate that the mom should not see this as a financing job. The grandparents sent $400; fine, the kids get $400.

And treated correctly, this is a kickass gift. As a child I never got to go on a spending spree like this, not until I had been earning my own money for a long time. Giving each kid control over $100, and then letting them go to town, sounds to me like something nearly every kid in the world (except for kids with insane amounts of spending money) would go crazy for.

They could all go in together to get a laptop or (if they have some additional money on the side) an XBox One. If they already have a console, there look to be a lot of games there. Two of them could get an air hockey table. There’s tons of random things they could get.

There’s no time rush: they can browse the site whenever they want, fill up a shopping cart, unload it, play around with it. All they need is to let you know when they’re ready to place the order, and you’ll pull out the gift card.

That sounds like a ton of fun to me for most kids, pure avarice fulfilled.

I’m not one of the people calling her a jerk, because as far as I can tell she hasn’t acted inappropriately.

But I don’t automatically sympathize with self-imposed matyrdom either. I don’t even pretend to understand it. I have never once felt unloved by my parents or other family members because they’ve given me a horrible Christmas present. And believe me, I’ve gotten some doozies. I can’t remember the last Christmas where I didn’t get something that wasn’t disappointing. And the flip side is I know that I have handed out some bad ones too. At one time maybe this kept me up at night, but now I have more respect for my own sanity and have come to realize that people really shouldn’t be emotionally invested in things. Not even Christmas things. And the good thing is that most people aren’t.

It’s likely Frylock’s kids are just like 99% of the kids in the world. They will accept whatever gift is given to them in good faith and not lose their minds just because it isn’t exactly what they want in the whole wide world. If she hands them Visa cards and explains that they are from Granma and Granpa Frylock, to spend however which way they want, will the kids have a ruined Christmas? Or will they likely either just shrug or say “cool”?

I totally get that this time of stressful, but is it self-imposed stress, the resut of unrealistic expectations? If so, then her in laws can hardly be blamed for not “getting it right”. My mother also goes crazy during this time of the year because she wants the house to be extra extra EXTRA clean and “Christmasy”, even if she ends up killing herself and others in the process. It’s the task of her loved ones to keep her grounded and to remind her that no one is going to be checking for dust under the dining room table.

That’s incredibly nitpicky, the grandparents are putting up the 400 dollars thats the important part. The grand majority of the people i know would be crying with gratitude over such a great gift, I don’t understand how this is a problem unless you are already filthy rich and and substantial sum like 400 dollars is meaningless.

I haven’t mentioned this because it didn’t seem relevant but maybe it is as people have brought up the “rich” angle on this thing a few times.

They’re actually very, very bad with money, and if the past serves as any example, this was probably done on credit. I wouldn’t say this had anything to do with the reaction I described in the op, but for the record, it sure the hell frustrates me. I would strongly rather they do something constructive for themselves with such an amount of cash, if they have the cash. And if this was credit, I would strongly have preferred a card or a phone call.

Quite a few interesting responses in here.

Like a lot of others I am sympathetic with the mom to a point, but only to a point. I agree that the intensity of anger and tears in this situation seems…excessive. And I don’t get the emphasis on cards. I really don’t.

And I would be more sympathetic if the gift came with instructions that Could Not Be Ignored. Such as “Go to Kohl’s and find a nice sweater set for Carly, a remote-controlled dump truck for Marianne, a watch for Matilda, a couple of fleeces for Mackenzie…Make sure they each have three presents! Wrap them all in red and green paper with bows and be sure to include a card on each one that says Love from Papa and Nana.” But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

So, and some of this is repeating what others have said:

There is no need to do ANYthing before Christmas. Yes, the leading up to Christmas can be completely crazy, but this card doesn’t need to be spent before Christmas. Nothing needs to be wrapped before Christmas. When the kids are surveying the oodles of wrapping paper on Christmas morning and saying “Is that ALL?”, that’s when you pull out the gift card and explain that no, there is more, and it’s going to be used in the next week or two and it can be a fun project as Left Hand of Dorkness described. Unless the parents have NO TIME EVER, this should not be a burden or a “job,” but a fun activity.

Curious: What if there had been $400 worth of gifts provided, nicely wrapped, etc., and the packages consisted of things the kids didn;t much like, didn;t much need, and didn;t much want? Clothes the wrong size, toys too “cheap,” doodads too easily broken? Things that needed to be returned? Would that have been perceived as better? Worse? The same? What, in short, would have been acceptable? I have known a few people over the years who seem dissatisfied with any gift beyond the PERFECT one–wrapped PERFECTLY, the PERFECT amount of money spent, the PERFECT amount of thought put into it. Not saying that the woman in the description is among them, but worth thinking about.

Maybe Kohls is the only place where they had available credit and they wanted to get something for their grandkids.

In rereading what I wrote above, I think I want to add a little extra.

I often hear people say that you can choose your reaction to something. I don’t think it’s that simple. I don;t think it’s possible to do that all the time or even necessarily most of the time. But I think this is a good example of when choosing your reaction would be useful and perhaps possible:

*Yes, you can choose to be angry and upset. Reasonable enough: the gift-givers didn’t really think of the kids, didn’t think about what they might want, gave us a card to a store we stay away from, expected us to add more jobs to our already overly complicated pre-Christmas activities. It doesn’t show great thoughtfulness, I would agree, and if you really want to respond by being angry and sad, well, that makes some sense.

*Or, you could choose to be grateful. Grateful for what is after all a generous present, a present that does not need to cause any further stress before the holidays, a present that can be used to get the kids what they really need and want, a present that could be used in a fun way after Christmas is over. This would certainly be a less stressful way of thinking about the gift.

As I said, “making a choice about your feelings” is overrated and harder than some make it seem. But this is a case where it would seem possible to at least think about Option Two.

I’m on board with this. Mon’s not angered to tears about this gift alone; she’s stressed about the entire holiday season, and the grandparents putting the gift-choosing responsibility onto her was something that she didn’t nee piled oon top of everything else.

Once she calms down, she needs to get four $100 Kohl’s gift cards, and let the kids open those on Christmas morning.

Well that whole line of discussion gets into deep issues about how I was raised–mostly wonderfully, but horribly gaslit when it came to religion*, and made utterly incompetent when it came to money. This is probably beside the point of the thread, really, I just mentioned to to clarify for those thinking this was a rich relatives thing. But yeah I definitely do have opinions about what they should and should not do with their financial resources, and blowing credit on extravagances definitely falls under the latter category, and not the former.

*Okay so imagine Kanicbird was your mother…

You know what gift I’d like? I’d like for all of my grandparents to actually still be here with me on Christmas. That’s what I’d like.
Seriously, I don’t know how old your parents are, but remember – grandparents aren’t going to be around forever. I’m going with “the thought that counts”. And if they’re spending money that they can’t really afford – I think that really goes with the Christmas spirit. Yeah, you’ve already exchanged them so it’s too late to do anything with the cards now. But like a lot of grandparents, they mean well.

Or maybe I’m just missing my grandparents a little too much right now.

no

Your very likely right here - a lot of times when people obsess about ‘well I HAVE to …’ (whatever it is that they ‘have to’ do in order to be good mothers/people/employees, and so on and so on) ‘…and that’s why I’m so stressed’, if you sit down and really analyse the situation it turns out that you don’t ‘have to’ after all, it’s really you yourself piling on the pressure. And it’s valuable to be able to take a deep breath and really reflect on your expectations and whether they’re realistic and necessary.

Still, if you are the sort of person who gets caught up in unrealistic expectations, there’s certainly no lack of people around to help you into those expectations, reinforce them, and generally carry on with their own baggage. Specially around culturally important things like Christmas. There’s a plate of nibbles for the kinder Christmas party for this kid, and something to put in the class Kris Kringle for that kid, and presents for the kids and nephews and nieces. And some person probably IS judging you for sending your kid to the Christmas party with a box of Oreos rather than lovingly hand-iced gingerbread Christmas trees. Some annoying judgy not-worth-listening-to person, to be sure, but learning how to not listen to those messages is a skill that takes some people longer to pick up than others.

Basically I’m all for “you know, this emotional reaction is over the top, and it would improve your life if you worked how to let it go and get over it”, but I think the first stage in actually doing that is “there’s probably a reason why you’re having this reaction - it might be something bigger than the supposed trigger event. Lets try to find out what the reason is.” Which I think is what Frylock’s trying to do here.

My suggestion is that your wife donate the gift cert to any charity of her choice, (thereby saving her the grief of shopping, at the ill chosen outlet, at this late date etc.)

Under the tree, include for each child, a card with a note explaining that a donation to said charity was made in there name to those less fortunate and that they should feel pride in sharing their good fortune at this time of year. (Yes, no matter their ages!)

Perhaps your children will learn a lesson your wife seems to have missed. It’s about GIVING, not receiving. Always. In every case. In every circumstance.

You may choose to believe that while she does not overtly manifest this behaviour before the gifters, it somehow excuses her craven shallowness. But if you think your children are unaware you’re insulting your own intelligence, in my humble opinion.

(PS I also have every card I’ve ever received, but I’ve never shed a tear, expressed a regret, or gotten into a miff over NOT receiving one! Good Lord, I’m a grown woman not a child!)