We interrupt the regularly scheduled program for this breaking news. A dozen British citizens left Iraq today, disposing of their hopes to use their bodies as physical shields between Baghdad and American military attacks.
According to a self-appointed spokesman for the group, “We realized that it was, like, dangerous, and we might get hurt. I mean, living in the desert is one thing, but dude, they might have, like, had a war or something…”
John Smith, a station expert in warfare, urges people not to attempt to impede the progress of any military weapon or vehicle, as it may be detrimental to your health. cut to token skinny, balding, Rent-an-Expert ™ “Many people tend to grossly overestimate the resistance that a human body can have on ICBMs and laser-guided heat seaking nuclear missiles. It’s generally a safe assumption that if the weapon or vehicle has twice the mass of a typical human body, nuclear capabilities, and/or a average velocity of several hundred miles per hour, a human body will provide very little resistance to the weapons passing.”
We recieved no official comment from the Iraqi government, however, one low-level aid did say that “A lot of those people seem really dumb, but if they want to stand between me an a tank, I’ll let them.”
Meanwhile, a collective sigh was heard from the executive committee of the Darwin Awards, who present posthumous honors to those who 'successfully eliminate themselves from the gene pool, and therefore better the future of humanity."
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.
cue more irritating newsflash music