For a mere $25, I’ll drop a line into my next column that says: ``Privatizing Social Security isn’t nearly as reckless or goofy as the president’s critics would have you believe.’’
For $50, the line would be: ``Privatizing Social Security is an intriguing concept, and one that should be seriously explored.’’
For $99, I’d do two sentences, including a bonus exclamation mark: ``Privatizing Social Security is a bold idea whose time has come. Kudos to President Bush!’’
For $199.99, a fully punctuated paragraph:
‘Here’s food for thought. If, instead of dull old Treasury bonds, you’d been allowed to invest your Social Security deductions in Enron stock (and then dumped it when Kenny Lay dumped his, before the company turned turtle), you might have doubled your earnings. Hey, if privatization is such a `risky gamble,’ then deal me in!’’
For a flat $500, I’d give them a whole scary column, beginning with:
‘If Congress doesn’t get behind our president and privatize Social Security, we hard-working `baby boomers’ are doomed to a hellhole retirement straight out of a Dickens novel – impoverished, miserable, bleak. Those puny monthly checks from Uncle Sam (assuming they don’t bounce!) won’t be enough to fill our cupboards with stale cat food and Sterno. . . . ‘’
And finally, for $999, the big enchilada – the screamer to end all screamers:
``If those wimps in Congress don’t wake up and privatize Social Security now – I mean this week! – President Bush will be forced to invade Nassau, the Caymans and possibly Liechtenstein in search of tax-sheltered assets to replenish the soon-to-be-bankrupt Social Security coffers.
``My own mother has burned her AARP card and rushed off to Washington, D.C., to demonstrate in support of the president’s innovative private-investment plan. She can’t wait to cash out her T-bills and sink her retirement savings into Halliburton . . .’’