And here's your Dec. rants thread - Merry Christbitchmas!

I don’t want to threadshit, but I can’t take it any more: Half the people in the “Least Favorite Commercials” thread have no sense of fucking humor. I mean, I don’t care if you don’t find a given commercial funny, that’s fine, but when you criticize and obvious joke for not being realistic, it just makes my jaw drop.

Everyone criticizing the DiGiorno pizza commercial, for example. You’re right, the guy does not make a very believable pizza guy. He didn’t show up with enough pizza. His attempt at disguising it wasn’t very credible. That’s the fucking joke, you ninnies. The idea that their pizza is sooooo amazing that the overlooked all that and even invited him in, that’s why it’s funny. DiGiorno is poking fun at their own image.

If you don’t find it funny, cool. But acting like there’s no joke there just makes you look dumb.

flatlined, if your life were a Lifetime movie, you’d need to take CNL a nice plate of cookies and then you could learn all about how her son moved away and doesn’t call her anymore, so that’s why she’s so upset about having kids around. Next thing you know, the kids next door would be helping clean up her yard and she’d be baking for them and hosting the block party.
Or maybe you should share a kitten with her. That should do it.

I suspect that CNL would bogart all four drumsticks…

It took me a second to connect this with the post above it about sharing a kitten. kaylasdad99, you are a bad bad man. :stuck_out_tongue:

I assure you it could have been much worse. We could have gone with my grandmothers: Shirley and Ida. I can’t see either name becoming popular ever again.

I still suspect CNL to be SG’s runaway wife! They have to be connected in some way…

My rant - kid’s birthday parties. I’ve got it coming and going - one mum is offended that I didn’t invite her and her hellspawn son, and has been asking my friends why. Hmm, lemme think, remember how he acted that time I had you both over for coffee? And have you ever invited me to your place, or to his birthday party? That might give you a clue.

And another mum cancelled when she heard she wasn’t top of the invite list. Alright, so joking that the list was so tight she got the last two places wasn’t tactful of me. It was also a lie, bitch - you only got invited to make up numbers when a mum I actually like couldn’t make it. Ha!

OTOH, bubba’s paternal aunt and uncle have stepped up to the bat and actually sent cards and presents, unlike last year. This bodes well for Xmas too. Her dad hasn’t RSVPd to her party yet though, deadbeat absent parent that my darling (*current) husband is.

*I think it’s a matter of days now till the decree absolut comes through so I should make the most of saying that!

We really need to get flatlined and Sampiro in a thread together.

Oh, seconded! **Sampiro **is one of the main reasons I signed up to this board (after lurking my way through BOTH OF YOU LOSE MY NUMBER!) but my daily dose of tales from **flatlined **is one of the real incentives to stick around :slight_smile:

Two weeks ago I returned to Edinburgh for a meeting with work and to visit my girlfriend. I had a single, carry-on suitcase with me. To get from the airport to the city centre, I took the airport bus. As the bus was packed, I left my suitcase on the luggage rack downstairs, covered by CCTV cameras, with dozens of other suitcases, and then went upstairs to find a seat.

When I finally got downstairs to get off the bus in the city centre, at the last stop, there weren’t any suitcases left on the rack. Convinced somebody had stolen my case, I got the driver and a supervisor to help me search the bus. Nothing to be found. I ride the airport bus at least twice a month visiting the city and have never heard of a theft on the bus. Further, when reporting it to the bus company, they’d never heard of a theft on the airport bus neither, as it tends to be only people who have just arrived in the country who use it, or who are flying back out. All of my clothes for the week were in the bag, along with a Kindle and a brand new, unworn pair of shoes. After estimating the cost for the police report, it was > £400 worth of stuff.

Fast forward two weeks. I’ve had to go out and buy a whole new set of clothes to last me through the week (thankfully it was my birthday the day after the bus ride, so I received some clothes as a gift). I’m now back in Italy. Some guy e-mails me two days ago saying a back had been left at the reception of the French Institute in Edinburgh. I’ve never heard of the French Institute in all my life, so I’m a bit puzzled how it got there. The only thing I can surmise is that somebody mistakenly removed my bag from the bus, worked out it wasn’t theirs, and then instead of reporting it straight away to the bus company or police, decided to keep it for two weeks before dumping it back at the reception of the place they’ve been visiting whilst flying back out.

Whoever did this is a fucking cunt. For a start, who the fuck removes a bag from a bus that they didn’t get on with? It’s not as if they could have mistaken my bag for their own as they didn’t leave another bag in its place. Further, who the fuck, in the unlikely event they take somebody else’s bag, sits on the damned thing for two weeks, instead of handing it in to a police station or to the bus company straight away? Especially so when the bag’s filled with clothes? Did this fuckup not think a bag full of clothes is a pretty important item for somebody visiting a city? Prick.

(Nothing was stolen in the bag, despite there being a Kindle in the front pocket, so it’s unlikely it’s an aborted theft. My girlfriend, who lives in Edinburgh, managed to pick it up yesterday.)

Today I spent the morning babysitting The Kidlette, who is sick. The instructions received from her mother included medication to give The Kidlette - among it, two homeopathic/herbal supplements containing such active principles as spinacum zincum (in pig Latin, “zinc extracted from spinach”).

This woman is a doctor. A. Freaking. Doctor! And my rant is that the Spanish legal system frowns on me feeding her her old Pharmacology books and classnotes…

Don’t text me and call me “wai”. The word is “güey”, which is awesome, 'cause of the umlaut. “Wai” is just something a dude would use to try and sound more ghetto-Mexican than they really are.

Dear self, inertia is not helping you organize your house or your life. I know you’ve got a killer schedule with the kids and work and the holidays, but you made lots of progress last weekend when you knew your dad was coming Monday. Why the hell did you stop already? Oh, yeah…no reason to continue. Get off your ass and invite people over again if you have to - just clean the fucking house and throw shit out. You’re not a hoarder…yet.

Dear Roto-Rooter, where the fuck are you? I finally forced myself to call for a hot water heater quote and you gave me a time window during which I promised to be home. But you haven’t managed to get here within that window. I have to work, dammit. I can’t sit around all day to wait. At least call me if you’re going to be late so I have the option to reschedule. I understand if there’s an emergency, but fucking call me and tell me that.

Dear GE, 7 weeks later, my fucking fridge is still broken. You no longer make all the parts to fix it and have agreed to buy me a new fridge. Yet you provide me no fucking parameters within which to choose, so every damn one I choose comes along with, “Great! That’s an upgrade, so that will be an extra $1,000.” Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell don’t you tell me what I can get? Thank God for the fridge downstairs. I hate you assholes. Oh, and why the hell did you send me the two parts you do still make for my fridge if the other two are no longer made? That’s one more thing I have to do now, and two more items to clutter my house. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a compressor and whatever the fuck else you sent me if it can’t be used to fix my fridge? Goddammit. GE sucks ass.

Can I put a panic on here instead of a rant?

My in-laws could not decide what to do for Christmas. The situation is that their daughter will not be anywhere but in their home city on Christmas Day. Since the dawn of time, my mil has gone to her sister’s house for Christmas dinner. That is fine for her and my sil (and their spouses) but the four of us will not fit and are not invited. So, we normally go to my mil’s house on Boxing Day and celebrate then.

However, since my sil got ‘married*’ this year, she wants to spend Christmas with her ‘husband’ and her ‘husband’ wants her to come to his parents house for their celebration. They agreed to do this on Boxing Day.

So, we aren’t allowed to go on Christmas Day and my mil wants us ‘all to be together’ so Boxing Day is out, too.

This goes on for weeks at an impasse. In the meantime, I severely sprain my ankle and am having a fuck of a time getting anything done. It’s still only about 50% and isn’t looking like it is going to be better anytime soon.

They finally came to a solution last night; we are going to have Christmas dinner on the 17th AT MY HOUSE. My first reaction was WTF? How rude?, etc. Until I realized that it meant I would get out of going to my husband’s hometown and didn’t have to pay for a hotel stay. I also get to spend as much time as I like with MY family over the real Christmas break. So no rant.

However, the 17th is in TWO WEEKS! I have cookies to bake, decorations to put up, presents to wrap and two birthday parties for my son to host before then. Now I have to plan a turkey dinner, as well. AND I CAN’T FUCKING WALK! I know I will completely pull it off but right now I am in a full panic.

*The scare quotes here are a very long story.

Lots of grocery chains have this ‘buy a complete dinner’ thing on holidays. As in, choice of ham/turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, some side dishes, roll, a pie…

Normally I wouldn’t do that, but it sounds like just the thing for someone in your situation.

Well, as long as you’re resting your ankle… :smiley:

Hell to the no! I want MY turkey with MY stuffing and MY traditional sides (I know I am the cause of some of my own problems here…)

Oh dear lord I have opened a can of worms for myself! While taking my little girls trick-or-treating, I met a couple of my elderly neighbors. In one case, we weren’t actually ringing the bell for candy, but to check on one lady - she lives alone, and had left the truck door open, and I wanted to be sure she was okay. During this meet and greet, I let her know that if she ever needed anything, I’d be glad to help if I can…

Fast forward to Wednesday, when Mrs. L rings my doorbell at 7am. Is there any way I could drive her to the bank and City Hall? Well, of course. It will have to wait until after 2:30 pm, because we have to take her little truck - mine is too tall for her to get into, and hers won’t hold the baby’s seat, so we agree on that.

“Bank and City Hall” turns into a 2-day ordeal: two banks, city hall, county commission annex, power company, grocery store, doctor’s office, a quick tuneup on the truck, and (shudder) Walmart. And now she’d like me to help sort and fill out some insurance paperwork. Mrs. L is a disabled 80-ish widow, and her only child lives 200 miles away, so I can’t in good conscience tell her “not only no but HELL NO.” But I suspect this is one of those good deeds that doesn’t go unpunished. Crap!

My new ‘bil’ does not believe that the government should be involved in the institution of marriage.* However, my sil wanted a wedding. So, they had one. Complete with all the frills (favours, hour long ceremony, bridesmaids, gifts, reception…). With no marriage license. So, they still aren’t married but they had a wedding.

A wedding that cost me a fortune (my kids were in the ‘wedding party’ and gifts were expected). If it had been anyone else in the world who was doing this (including my own sister) I would have made my apologies and not gone but since it was my husband’s family, there was little I could say or do.

(Though I did provide my sil with a handy outline of all the legal benefits she does not get without that little piece of paper and advised her to draw something up. She didn’t but now if things go south at least I feel like I did my part.)

On top of that, they were so busy with the ‘wedding’ that both my mil and sil did not celebrate my daughter’s birthday with her.

I think I am past it now since I could get a pretty heated rant on when we were in the planning stages. Sorry.

We need a new fridge (our fridge basically has a diaper for the unfixable leaking issue), and I’m paying attention to your ranting - GE is definitely off of our list.

That may be one of the stupidest things I’ve heard in a long time. Going out of your way for all the hassles of marriage without getting any of the benefits - I’m guessing your brother-in-law is not the brightest bulb on the tree.

I dunno. I am putting this one at my sil’s door. My ‘bil’ had the option of breaking up with his longtime partner (10 years) or having a ‘wedding’ as a compromise.

As an additional point of fun, my parents-in-law paid for it. What parent in their right mind would pay for such a thing?