(Note: this rant was originally posted in my LiveJournal a few weeks ago, but I got the same client again tonight, and so felt the need to reshare it)
Have you ever had an urge to rip someone a new asshole, just because you could? And it didn’t really matter who it was, there was just an overwhelming wave of irritability that had to be taken out on someone, anyone?
For some reason this is the mood I’m in. I have no idea why. I’m generally irate, I grant you, but this is strange. I suppose I could blame it on the most recent customer, who was so ignorant he made football cleats look like PhD’s.
This guy, who is supposedly a lawyer, and therefore (one would assume, but more fool I) bright enough to tie his shoes, pass law school, and remember something my co-worker Chris had told him about five minutes ago, called about six times in the space of about a quarter of an hour. The problem, after we had dealt with the fact that one of the phone numbers for his city was out of service, was that the guy was trying to connect using his company email address as a username rather than the actual email address of the account with us. Not such a huge deal, this is clearly a corporate dial-up account rather than a personal one, so the error is forgiveable. The fact that the guy got his tech to install our dialer (truly the simplest piece of software in the world to install, despite being shit to use) shall be glossed over for now, although after dealing with this man I do pity his technician.
Now, since I’m sitting right next to Chris, I heard him explain the situation to the user, and confirm the user name and password. About ten minutes later, I find myself having to do the exact same thing, because the guy has re-entered his company email address despite being told not to by us not fifteen minutes ago . Why? Your guess is as good as mine.
So, children, who here among us can spell “denser than an anvil, and much less useful”? I thought so. I think I’m going to start a list of user types, starting with this fellow as the first archtype: The “in-one-ear-and-out-the-other” guy.
Am I a bad person for wanting to ask people like the above if they were dropped as children? “Sorry, sir, I was just channeling George Carlin there for a moment. I don’t know what got into me.” These are people that I sincerely think would be the better for a serious, concentrated, in-your-face mocking. “You know, sir, most of our clients aren’t really that computer savvy, but at least are bright enough to write down the username and password when we tell them to.” Or perhaps, “Ma’am, you know how you had to learn how to drive before you bought your car?”. You know, something really pointed. God only knows, it would make me feel better.
We are now in the first few years of the twenty first century. Our lifestyles are almost inextricably interwined with computers in work and leisure. So how is it possible that there are people under the age of fifty in corporate North America who are still not familiar with the concept of a username/password combination? And as for the over-fifty set (before I get properly started here, I’d like to state that I really do applaud golden-agers who are willing to dive head-first into technology, but christ on a raft, it’s so hard to stay patient with them sometimes), they seem to go one of two ways: either they, like the above, don’t even know what the purpose of a password is, or are so paranoid they get mad at me, their lowly tech support agent, for having access to their account information in order to retrieve the password in the first place. And have three different firewalls and two badly configured anti-virii installed on their systems, which makes troubleshooting a joyous experience all around, let me tell you.
I have some advice for you, folks, particularly the user who inspired this ranting: You know those people who care for your computers at work? Try listening to them when they tell you how to do things while you’re travelling with the company laptop. Take notes if you have to. Don’t bother calling your ISP for support if you’re not planning to listen to them. Be at your computer when you call. How the hell you think I can help you if you’re not at the computer with it turned on, I don’t know. Prayer, maybe? That may have worked for Lazarus, but it sure as hell isn’t going to save your modem. Take a basic computer course. I bet your local library offers one for about fifteen bucks. Heck, your office probably offers a tax-deductible version, since it’ll qualify as a job skill if you use a computer at work. And please, for the love of god, learn your username and password. Memorize it. Tattoo it on your forehead if you have to. I’ll help.