New Years Resolutions:
- Finally sand down those damn horns on my forehead.
- Practice my telepathic powers and get the “Helzberg Diamond” babe, to remove her top.
- Find new ways to cover the “dead customer smell” in the broom closet.
- Resell used Lottery tickets to the blind.
- Package my eye “crusties” and sell them as Pop Rocks.
- Give my left arm vigorous workouts too; to even out the difference in muscle tone.
- Quit alluding to masturbation in my “To do” lists.
- Resist the temptation to use “air quotes” whenever I type quotation marks.
- Use “air quotes” more in everyday conversation, but only if they do not apply.
- Attempt to teach baby an unusual “first word”. Corpuscular? Vivisectionist?
I always promise to follow through on my New Year’s Resolutions. But THIS time, I mean it…