And whyis the cafeteria just above the morgue, anyway?

No one really expects the food in a hospital to reach new pinnacles of excellence. Neither do I. As long as the cafeteria is clean, the place is open so I can get something to eat if I happen to be held up for a few minutes and the food is edible and reasonably priced, I ask for little else.

I didn’t design the main hospital in Spittleville. I don’t know why it is located so far from downtown or any decent malls. Wendy’s is a thity minute round-trip walk from the hospital, nothing else is quite so close. So one would expect the cafe to be popular with hospital staff, patients and their families – since they have little choice, and most hospital cafeterias are.

I don’t know the name of the fuckwad who decided that five pm is a good time to close the cafeteria. After all, why encourage people to eat unhealthy cafeteria food when they can easily drive an hour home and eat there? And for people obliged to stay close to the hospital, why not encourage them to work forty hour shifts without being able to eat – after all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I don’t know who came up with the brilliant proposal to close the cafeteria on weekends, but it makes a great deal of sense. Why not promote health by encouraging people to diet for two days of the week?

I hear the best (or at least most exclusive) restaurants in Los Angeles don’t announce their presence too loudly. Secrecy is good for business. This cafeteria, if it was actually open when people get hungry, lacks exclusive clients and maintains secrecy by not posting their list of specials. Why would the customer need to know what is available or at what price, after all? In reality, they’re better off not knowing, trust me.

Lots of foods that were popular fifty years ago are still loved today. People still enjoy cheeseburgers, milkshakes and fried chicken. Certain foods have disappeared off the gastronomic landscape, too. We don’t often include Jell-o as a salad ingredient these days. It’s unusual to see Chicken a la King or Creamed Chipped Beef served outside of the army, but such foods have a place in the bowels of Spittleville.

Chicken a la King? When was the last time you saw that? It reminds me of an old Calvin Trillin column where he makes fun of the yuppies who consumed this gross but sustaining crap by the bowlful in their country clubs and Jaycee meetings while gleefully singing

We know nothing can beat us
Whatever life may bring
Cuz we can go and eat us
Some Chicken a la King
Our clubs are safe and sound
From those of non-WASP blood
Cuz none of them they would apply
They wouldn’t eat this crud.

You may ask why I don’t bring my own dinners. Well I sure do now! Spam fritters, deep-fried gelatin, applesauce and vinegar, sardines in phyllo… no matter what I make I can’t challenge the supremacy of the inedible fucking sludge served up by the cafeteria above the morgue. May the staff there be justly condemned to eat greasy stale garlic fingers and Ham Chop Suey for the rest of their miserable days, between the hours of 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday. And unlike us, let them not be able to keep any jewelry or personal effects still left on the food after serving. Bastards.

Hear hear!

Former medical records file drone checking in…

Three words of advice to my former hospital cafeteria:
(i) You have a great menu planned, which someone goes to the trouble of posting every week. The usual procedure is to follow that menu, even if this is inconvenient.
(ii) It may be good business to always have doughnuts and triple cheeseburgers available (keep those cardio patients coming back, eh?), but some of us actually prefer to eat healthy meals. And no, a “sandwich bar” consisting of three types of bread and a bin of lettuce macrofossils does not count.
(iii) It is suspicious that the cafeteria is right next to the biohazard loading dock. At least, I hope it is the biohazard loading dock that is emitting that smell…

Actual quote:
“Is this vegetarian?”

<shovels hot dish around with pancake turner> “Yeah, I think so.”

“so there’s no meat in it?”

“well I don’t see any.”

It could be worse. What if you worked at a V.A. hospital?

It’s preferable to have the morgue located on the floor below the cafeteria than to have it above the cafeteria, even if you have implicit faith in the integrity of the plumbing and drains.

Trust me on this.

It could be worse. The cafeteria could be just above a McDonalds. Frankly, I’d rather chew on pieces of corpse than McD’s hamburgers.

I don’t know about your hospital but ours does not have an on-site incinerator (we are next door to a medical school–they have one). We have chicken nearly every single day. Not whole chicken or even recognizeable chicken pieces like legs, thighs–all of it is breaded, fried, coated, mixed up, shredded, etc. It doesn’t taste like chicken. I don’t eat there often.

I hear ya, Dr.P . My mom is an RN at our local hospital and they used to have the best damn cafeteria in the known world. I would look forward to going and having breakfast with mom. Real scrambled eggs, fluffy biscuits, crispy bacon. Mmmm…

And then came the financial consultants.

See, we can save money if we use egg substitute instead of eggs, baykin™ brand meat flavored strips, and just remove gravy entirely and use spackle instead.

My mom now carries her breakfast and lunch. Which is really a shame when you consider how much more convienient and inexpensive it would be for her to eat there. With her employees discount she could get a healthy, hot meal for less that the cost of bringing it. If it were edible.

The only reason the patients eat there is that they are essentially a captive audience.

[john travolta]
But soylent green tastes good!
[/john travolta]

I ate a lot of hospital food when my Dad was in the hospital, but it wasn’t bad at all, Baylor has a nice cafeteria.

I did work at a VA hospital. The food wasn’t that bad (although being a Navy vet helps because I’m used to shitty food and don’t care one way or the other) but the hours sucked. The cafeteria closed at six on weekdays and three-thirty on weekends. Real nice if you work 4 to midnight.


You ought to try the VA hospital in Walla Walla, Washington. Walla Walla is famous for “Walla Walla Onions”! I had to stay there one night for some more exams the next day, guess what was for dinner! Onion soup du jour, creamed onions slathered artfully over unidentifiable portions of some type of dead animal, sliced onions in vinegar, batter dipped and deep fried onion rings and beets! Breakfast was fried onions and potatoes with toast.

It’s a shorter distance to drag the food poisoned corpses.

{Esprix is suddenly taken to song}



Hospital administrators around the USA have found a brillant new cost-cutting measure.

They drain the fat-collection cannisters from the liposuction machines straight into the deep-fryers in he cafeteria.

What’s the matter?

Hey! It’s a cost-cutting move!

The HMOs recommended it! So it has to be good for you!