Andyana Jones and the Lost Crusade
(INTERIOR, BBQ PIT, NIGHT)
(In a dark, ancient cave, COMMANDER stands in the middle of his minions. To the side, ANDYANA JONES and ANDY SR. are tied in ropes.)
COMMANDER: Our success lies in the answer to the riddle, “How should a penitent man go through the Pit?” What do my scribes say?
SCRIBE ONE: He should go through with a firecracker up his butt.
SCRIBE TWO: I predict he will.
COMMANDER: Fine. Then I will have one of my soldiers try it. Assaf, come forward.
ASSAF: Assaf Sords, reporting for duty.
COMMANDER: Assaf, you must go through the Pit as a penitent man.
ASSAF: Yessir.
(Assaf walks cautiously down the cobwebbed corridor. A breeze stirs the cobwebs. Assaf falls.)
COMMANDER: That’s no good. Scribes, why did that not work?
SCRIBE ONE: I guess he was wrong to go through with a nasty crack.
COMMANDER: Then how should a penitent man go through the Pit?
SCRIBE ONE: He should go through – with his father’s genitals on his face.
COMMANDER: With his father’s genitals – on his face?
SCRIBE TWO: I predict he will.
COMMANDER: Very well. Send me a joker who’ll try that.
JOKE WHO’LL: Here, sir.
COMMANDER: Proceed.
(JOKE WHO’LL walks cautiously amid the cobwebs. A breeze stirs. JOKE WHO’LL falls.)
COMMANDER: That didn’t work. So how is a penitent man to go through the Pit if not with his father’s genitals on his head?
SCRIBE ONE: No, the answer is not to go as a dick head.
COMMANDER: I will not sacrifice any more of my men. Send me Andyana Jones.
ANDY: No, I won’t do it.
COMMANDER: Then I will have your father … banned.
ANDY: You miserable Nazi rat. You’ve forced my hand.
ANDY SR.: But first you must tell us the clues.
COMMANDER: It seems Andy and his father are particularly clueless today, hmm? Very well, we have only two clues.
ANDY: What is the first?
COMMANDER: The first is merely a drawing.
(He displays a simple drawing of a man urinating. Around it is a circle with a line through it, the international “forbidden” sign.)
ANDY SR.: And the second clue?
COMMANDER: It is this: If the Beverly Hillbillys moved to Italy, what would Jethro’s name be?
ANDY: That’s a clue?
COMMANDER: Get moving.
(Andy approaches the cobwebbed corridor, muttering.)
ANDY: Urinate … piss … take a whiz … take a leak … empty the bladder … water the garden … release the trouser snake. Dad, Dad! What are some other terms for taking a piss?
ANDY SR.: I don’t know, but if we survive this, we’ve got a thread for MPSIMS.
ANDY: And Jethro’s name in Italy. What could that be?
ANDY SR.: Clampett? Clampetti? Geothro da Clampi?
ANDY: What is “clamp” in Italian?
ANDY SR.: It’s morsetto. A penitent man must piss morsetto?
ANDY: A penitent man must go through the pit – whizzing Clampetti? Jethro Calamari?
ANDY SR.: Wait! Jethro’s name was not Clampett. It was Bodine. In Italy, he’d be …
ANDY: A penitent man in the Pit – must not piss off Bodini!
(Andy falls to his knees as a huge saw with a sarcastic smiley whooshes over his head.)