Andyana Jones and the Lost Crusade

Andyana Jones and the Lost Crusade


(In a dark, ancient cave, COMMANDER stands in the middle of his minions. To the side, ANDYANA JONES and ANDY SR. are tied in ropes.)

COMMANDER: Our success lies in the answer to the riddle, “How should a penitent man go through the Pit?” What do my scribes say?

SCRIBE ONE: He should go through with a firecracker up his butt.

SCRIBE TWO: I predict he will.

COMMANDER: Fine. Then I will have one of my soldiers try it. Assaf, come forward.

ASSAF: Assaf Sords, reporting for duty.

COMMANDER: Assaf, you must go through the Pit as a penitent man.

ASSAF: Yessir.

(Assaf walks cautiously down the cobwebbed corridor. A breeze stirs the cobwebs. Assaf falls.)

COMMANDER: That’s no good. Scribes, why did that not work?

SCRIBE ONE: I guess he was wrong to go through with a nasty crack.

COMMANDER: Then how should a penitent man go through the Pit?

SCRIBE ONE: He should go through – with his father’s genitals on his face.

COMMANDER: With his father’s genitals – on his face?

SCRIBE TWO: I predict he will.

COMMANDER: Very well. Send me a joker who’ll try that.

JOKE WHO’LL: Here, sir.


(JOKE WHO’LL walks cautiously amid the cobwebs. A breeze stirs. JOKE WHO’LL falls.)

COMMANDER: That didn’t work. So how is a penitent man to go through the Pit if not with his father’s genitals on his head?

SCRIBE ONE: No, the answer is not to go as a dick head.

COMMANDER: I will not sacrifice any more of my men. Send me Andyana Jones.

ANDY: No, I won’t do it.

COMMANDER: Then I will have your father … banned.

ANDY: You miserable Nazi rat. You’ve forced my hand.

ANDY SR.: But first you must tell us the clues.

COMMANDER: It seems Andy and his father are particularly clueless today, hmm? Very well, we have only two clues.

ANDY: What is the first?

COMMANDER: The first is merely a drawing.

(He displays a simple drawing of a man urinating. Around it is a circle with a line through it, the international “forbidden” sign.)

ANDY SR.: And the second clue?

COMMANDER: It is this: If the Beverly Hillbillys moved to Italy, what would Jethro’s name be?

ANDY: That’s a clue?

COMMANDER: Get moving.

(Andy approaches the cobwebbed corridor, muttering.)

ANDY: Urinate … piss … take a whiz … take a leak … empty the bladder … water the garden … release the trouser snake. Dad, Dad! What are some other terms for taking a piss?

ANDY SR.: I don’t know, but if we survive this, we’ve got a thread for MPSIMS.

ANDY: And Jethro’s name in Italy. What could that be?

ANDY SR.: Clampett? Clampetti? Geothro da Clampi?

ANDY: What is “clamp” in Italian?

ANDY SR.: It’s morsetto. A penitent man must piss morsetto?

ANDY: A penitent man must go through the pit – whizzing Clampetti? Jethro Calamari?

ANDY SR.: Wait! Jethro’s name was not Clampett. It was Bodine. In Italy, he’d be …

ANDY: A penitent man in the Pit – must not piss off Bodini!

(Andy falls to his knees as a huge saw with a sarcastic smiley whooshes over his head.)

do we need another thread on this?

Maybe not, but it made me laugh so hard I snorted up my Pepsi.

Damn you, Andyana Jones!

Dude, its BodOni not Bodini, and she really hates it when people get that wrong!

Bannin’s to the left of him,
Bannin’s to the right of him,
Bannin’s in front of him…

It’s funny, and in a way you have to admire the potentially suicidal courage (and the dedication to the ancient art of the Shaggy Dog Story), but that was probably about enough of that.


Encore! Encore!

On reading the linked thread, I realise this could be intended as a swipe at Lynn, (which would be the most ironic mistake I’ve seen for a while), as opposed to merely an extension of the good advice “don’t piss off anyone, it’s not nice”. I’ll stick with my original optimistic interpretation though.

It definitely was not a swipe at Lynn.
And I apologize for misspelling her name.