Byzantines.
Whoopsie, yes, forgot to mention that, old bean.
I cross my zeds as well.
{two more points for Uke as the crowd goes wild}
“I could care less.”
Nooooooo, what you’re clearly trying to communicate is that “I couldn’t care less.” I hear this in the news, sports broadcasts, radio or co-workers at least once a day. Drives me nuts. The wife does it all the time. To drive me nuts. Damnit.
I wouldn’t have brought this up…really, except this is one of my “Annoying pretentious words, sayings, or pronunciations people use to sound smarter”. Its spelled and pronounced “etcetera” (hence, the abbreviation “etc.”).
No hard feelings. God knows my spelling/grammar is horrendous. 
There was a professor here who publically lamented how things just weren’t like they had been when she was at YALE. This was mentioned often, she wanted everybody to know. Same professor had determined that stochastic was a far better term for random than the word random. Must have picked it up at Yale. (Yalies, please take no offense)
Compartmentalise.
The bizarre use of already, where it doesn’t seem to mean what I thought it meant, something like ‘by this time’.
That’d be ‘je ne sais quoi’ 
How about, “What does ‘juxtapose’ mean?” That’s what my little sister asked upon entering a store of the same name -except she pronounced it “jux-ta-poss-AY”. Eh, maybe she did sound like a twit.
**
Yeah, you’re right. That’s what my Jewish boyfriend said when I misused “schlep”.
**
Well, okay, you asked for it…
**
It’s “et cetera”.
It’s “capisce”.
Hope you don’t think I’m pedantic.
I hate when people insult someone by calling them a troglodyte. I see this word way too often. It sounds like something that lives in the ocean. Try “caveman” or “fucking idiot”.
When using a three-dollar word like “juxtapose,” I find it helps to lay on my southern accent extra thickly. That way, the pretentiousness of the three-dollar word is offset by the homespun accent.
Plus, it’s always fun to juxtapose an Oxford vocabulary with a hillbilly dialect.
I may be guilty of a few of the things mentioned above. Does it count as affecting a British accent if you don’t do it on purpose?
On thing that really gets to me is the use of “of” in place of “have”. As in “would of”, “could of”, etc. This applies both in writing and speech. Sometimes you can just hear it.
Ok, so I’m a lawyer. By definition I have the vocabulary from hell, a fact my friends like to make sure I remember. Some more thoughts:
Et cetera v. et al. Here’s the difference, folks: et cetera means “and everything else”, and “et al.” - don’t forget the period, it’s short for “et alia” - means “and others,” usually meaning people, so it’s weird to use it for things. And the only time this lawyer ever used it was when dealing with very unwieldy law firm names, like
Sills Cummis Zuckerman Radin Tischman Epstein & Gross, P.A.
(my former employer, of Newark, NJ)
or
Gordon Thomas Honeywell Malanca Peterson & Daheim, of Tacoma.
So much nicer to say, “Sills Cummis et al.”
“Whereas” is useful only in contracts, and even then it’s largely an anachronism.
“Forensics” - What’s the problem? It does generally refer to debate. It can, more specifically, refer to a courtroom - ergo forensic medicine, the best-known usage - but as a past member of a forensics team I can assure that debate is definitely a current meaning.
“Boring” phone messages are much less annoying than cute ones. Of course, it’s helpful if your voicemail system allows different answers for when you’re on the phone and when you’re away, but when it doesn’t, you need to say both - so the caller doesn’t have you paged when you’re actually sitting right there.
I’m fairly tolerant of different pronunciations, if at least they’ve got some basis in logic - although I agree that Briticisms should be reserved for the British. I have been known to use “Leh-zhure,” largely because “lee-zhure” makes think of “sleazy,” like a leisure suit.
Management cliches - there are too many to list, and they’re all boring, and worst of all is when I find myself using them. Ugh!
“YOO ruhnus” is actually a correct pronunciation; for what it’s worth Webster’s lists it first (Webster’s denies that they’re listed in order of preference).
Passive voice: sometimes unavoidable in legal documents, but usually its use is political: “Mistakes were made.”
My own bugbears:
The dreaded “Axe.” I’ve never understood how that one got started; it’s not as if “ask” is difficult or weirdly spelled.
And my biggest of all: telvision tag-lines, repeated forever. Don’t you have anything new to say?
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”
“Buh-bye.”
“Smackdown!”
I’ll close with the “like” issue - this week’s New Yorker has a great cartoon, showing a disheveled guy in a bar, complaining:
“I just, like, don’t understand how my wife could, like, figure out that I was, like, having an affair with, like, the babysitter.”
People who say “FROM whence.” You know who you are. Stop it this instant.
Remember, never use a big word when a diminuitive one would suffice.
People who say the ‘means justifies the end’ really annoy me. It’s the end justifies the means you simpleton!
Would you believe I actually received, from my bank, mind you, something that advised me not to write down my PIN Number. PIN Number!!! What kind of idiot doesn’t understand the stupidity of wanton redundancy? Here, read the following out loud, nice and slow:
There’s no need to say PIN Number because the N in PIN stands for, you guessed it, Number!
The overuse of the misuse of the word ironic is starting to be something of a pandemic. Often overheard is the following:
Dolt: I went to the store to buy coffee but brought home tea instead!
Half-wit: I bought tea today, too!!! How ironic!
No, you fool, it’s a coincidence.
I guess that’s all I have to add for now.
I agree heartily w/ the fake Briticisms and the corporate inanities.
Oh, poop. Did I blow it already w/ “inanities”? The trouble with being a complusive reader and crossword fanatic is the stuff imprints right on your brain. Reading does it to me especially. Sometimes a word or phrase pops back into my head that’s so perfect it flows out of my mouth in a type of verbal diarrhea. It isn’t showing off; it’s idiot savant instant recall with inadequate filters.
But one perfectly correct usage grates on me something fierce: the proper Queen’s English “one”. The gender thing tangles up sentences sometimes, and “they” as a default isn’t right, but “one” sounds so fake and precious. “One doesn’t know what to make of that, does one?” “What is one to do?”
Blech.
Veb
You HAVE to cross Z’s . . . otherwise they look like 2’s. Anybody who writes a lot of math crosses their z’s . . . unless maybe they have impeccable handwriting.
Spirtle scooped me on vis a vis, and just barely, con sarnit.
And, YOOR-anus isn’t pretentious, it’s squeamish. Can’t bring myself to say yuhr-ANUS. Just can’t. (And I actually have cause to say it in everyday conversation.)
ONT for aunt. I mean, come on.
Also, when I was in fifth grade, my teacher read us The Legend of King Arthur, in which everything was “EXTRA-ordinary.” I wanted to claw her eyes out.
Hey. Wait a minute. I say “ONT”. Or really, more like “Ahhnt”. Maybe it’s because my dad’s side of the family is from England (my grandfather came from there) but I doubt it.
I remember in third grade everyone in class had to read aloud from the textbook, one after the other. My turn came, and the word “aunt” came up in the text. I pronounced it “ahhnt” (or “ont”, whatever.) There was a creepy little neighbor girl who didn’t like me, and she popped her hand up and said to the teacher, “She pronounced ‘aunt’ wrong, it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘ANT’”. The teacher said, “No, actually, both pronunciations are correct.”
Well! A long-buried memory resurfaces!
In the northeast (well, Massachusetts at least) “ahnt” or “ont” is the accepted pronunciation. “Ant” is a bug.
My word choice was intentional. I was using words that might be considered pedantic due to the lack of more common words that would communicate the exactly same meaning more clearly.
Oh, and on the other subject, I cross my sevens but not my z’s.
carnivorousplant – how DARE you use my name in vain… You, you, twit you!
And FWIW: flac sid. It is. Not flas-id. It’s FLAC-SID. Deal with it you uneducated assholes! And stop using Byzantine when it’s not appropriate! Yes, it’s an art form but you can’t just pass it willy-nilly for evil. Byzantine is a “special” kind of evil. Don’t abuse my name or I might become disgruntled!