Another "tell me a funny story" thread.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I posted this one once before, but I’m not sure if many saw it, so here it goes. This one happened to a some friends of my mom’s. I’m pretty sure I have all the facts straight.

They had a boy, probably about 4yo, and were getting ready for somebody to some visit. I think it was a cousin, or something. Anyway, the lady coming over had a problem with not bathing regularly, and so this stench followed her wherever she went. This led to her problems getting dates and such. She came over a few days before the arrival with her husband and son. She was talking to my mom about this problem and asked her if they should mention it to her when she came to visit. My mom said that if she really considered her a friend, she might want to gently break it to her.

Well, the day comes and she arrives at the door. They let her in and she starts getting settled. She went to go sit on the couch and called the little boy over. She was playing with him for a while, when the inevitable happened. He looked up at her and asked, “Am I your friend?”.

His dad shot out of the room as fast as he could and ran toward the garage. His mom heard him ask the question, and seeing what was coming, dropped a pan of food she was carrying and starting running to go stop him. Too late. She told him he was in fact her friend and he simply said, “You smell bad.” His mom, realizing she was too late, ran back in the kitchen and called my mom. My mom told her just to tell her cousin that he’s been telling everybody that and was getting in trouble for it. I’m not sure what she did, but I do know she was somehow able to smooth it over.

22

Gunslinger,

That's a beauty.
23

My son and I are sitting in the dentists office waiting for an appointment, and he’s trying to tell us what causes earthquakes.

So he says “A meteor hit the earth. A meteor bigger than the whole world hit the earth and that’s what causes earthquakes.”

So, we say, “No, Sean, I don’t think that’s what causes earthquakes. Do you want me to tell you what really causes them?”

And he says “No … wait … don’t say anything. I know exactly what you’re going to say.”

We say “What were we going to say?”

And Sean, very seriously, says … “Elephants!”

24

Thank you all so much for your stories. I got a lot of laughs and smiles from them.

-----:smiley:
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(Oh, and Turpentine, have you thought about pouring turpentine over your roommate’s feet? Yeecccchhhhhh.)

25

I was maybe 12 when this happened. My sister (who was 16 at the time) and I went with my mother to visit an old friend (old as in her 60s or 70s) who lived out in the country on a Sunday afternoon. My father was over in Europe attempting to help my uncle “escape” from Czechoslovakia (that’s a whole other story!) so it was just us girls. Anyway, while mom and old lady were drinking coffee and talking, my sister and I discovered a flood wall that separated her property from the farm next door. (She lived in the sticks, lots of farm land). So we climbed up to the top and started to walk on the flood wall, my sister in front. All of a sudden, we hear this really loud and frantic dog barking. We froze and looked down at the farm on the other side and this HUGE freakin’ St. Bernard comes barrelling up the hill right at us, barking his head off. Of course we think CUJO! My sister turns and screams “RUN!” and we both go tearing down the other side of the wall. She’s again in front, and all I can see is grass as tall as me, all I can hear is my heart pounding, my breathing and that damn barking! All of a sudden, my body was gaining too much momentum and my feet couldn’t keep up and I tumbled forward! I remember seeing my sister turn around like slow motion, yelling my name! “B-b-b-b-a-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-r-b-b-b-b!” Sky, ground, grass, sky, ground, grass…over and over! I tumbled all the way to the bottom of that damn flood wall, thinking that was it, I was done! Cujo was gonna get me and I’d be lunch! I finally landed in a big THUMP, turn around, the dog jumps on top of me AND…licks my face! Happy dog, happy dog! The farmer next door shows up a few seconds later and was like “Are you ok, why did you run? She just wants to play!” and the rest of the day we hung out on his farm with his daughter who my sister’s age and we walked up to the cows in the pasture (they’re really huge and scary up close!) and played with new born kittens in the barn and had a great time. Cujo, my ass!

I always laugh my ass off when I remember that story! :slight_smile:

26

One time, when my son was around five years old, he, his mom, and I were driving to a family members house for Christmas. Apparently, the vibrations from the car caused him to have an erection. To this day, I still remember the excitement and pride in his young innocent voice as he excitedly called out: “Mom! Dad! I think I’m having sex!!” I managed not to drive off the road laughing, but it was touch and go there for a moment.

27

I just heard this last weekend. All you movie buffs out there will love it.

My sister was telling me that she and my mother were watching tv and saw that ‘Jackie Brown’ was playing on Bravo. My sister warns my mother about the language, that every other word is 'mother fer.’ My mom prepares herself. Well, Bravo would not run any movie like that unedited, so as they watch, they discover that the bad language has been dubbed.
Apparently, mother fer is used so much in the film that those unknown individuals responsible for the dubbing figure they can’t just blank it out–they’ve got to put something in there. According to my sister, they used the following: “You stupid mother finger.” “…that’s what the melon feeler said…” “I want my mutual funds money.”
Mother finger? Melon feeler? Mutual funds?
I can’t imagine how that ruined the movie for them, because my sister said that after a while they just started keeping track of which variation was used. We spent all weekend calling people ‘melon feelers’ and ‘mother fingers.’
Probably not as funny as the rest of your stories, but I got a kick out of it. :slight_smile:

28

I can’t think of any funny stories of my own, but my husband (Steve) has loads that are absolutely hilarious. Here are two:

  1. Steve was a submariner in the Royal Navy for 9 years, and one time when a very high-ranking foreign official was coming to visit, Steve got called in at the last minute to replace the bugler, who was sick. I should stress that although Steve could play a few simple tunes, he is not a bugler. He practiced the standard salute tune for hours, until he was sure he had it completely committed to memory. But when the time came to salute the official, out there in front of all the other officers and what not, his mind went completely blank!! He panicked for a second (it was v. important to get it right), and then thought to himself, “Oh, I’ll just go on and start playing, I’ve been practicing so much it’s bound to just come out.” So he started playing, and after several notes, he realised to his horror that he was saluting the (fortunately clueless) foreign official with the themesong from the tv show “Black Adder”!! The British officers were doing everything they could not to fall down in a heap of laughter, the important officials of the Navy were livid, and the foreign official (who didn’t recognise the themesong and wouldn’t know the salute tune, anyway) was just standing there smiling pleasantly, oblivious to this great insult. Thankfully, because Steve wasn’t a bugler and only tried to play because he was ordered to, he wasn’t reprimanded.

  2. Some time before Steve joined the Navy, he was working a few weeks on some kind of tree farm planting trees. They had this automated tree-planting machine, which one person would drive, and one person would load the saplings in the machine as it went along, and they’d be plunked down into the ground. Steve was the one loading up the saplings, putting a new baby tree in the machine as each one was planted. After they had finished planting two miles worth of property, someone realised that Steve had been planting the trees upsidedown, and there were two miles of sapling roots sticking up out of the ground! Whoops!!

29

My life is FULL of funny stories. Thank God I have a good sense of humor. The story below was posted a few weeks ago on my SECOND DAY of work at my new job.

30

Oh, jeez ** Nimue**, you just about killed me with that one! Luckily my boss is out today, so she didn’t hear me pathetically trying not to laugh!

Crunchyfrog, you have my sympathy. :wink:

31

Then there was the time my dad was driving a Jeep with a 106mm recoilless rifle on the back, and a sniper started taking shots at him…

When Dad told his brother (a major, battalion operations/logistics officer), his brother replied: “WHAT? That one-oh-six round costs a HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! It’ll penetrate ten feet of steel! You idiot!”

To which my dad replied: “Yeah, but we got 'im. All over the place.” :smiley:

No wonder the US military’s horrendously overbudget. :slight_smile:

32

Hahahahaha… I read this at work and nearly spit coffee all over my monitor! Precocious little bugger, ain’t he?

Too damn funny.

33

Lots of these are just hilarious. Real life is funnier than fiction. Thanks everyone!

-----:smiley:
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34

Gunslinger,

If your dad and buddies got back, it was worth the shell.

35

I foolishly gave my actual name, address, and telephone number to USAir a couple years ago. Immediately thereafter, I started getting three phone calls a day, and bi-weekly mailings, begging me to switch to another long distance carrier.

After months of call-waiting interruptions from telemarketers, I spent an hour bouncing around on the telephone until I finally got myself “taken off the list.” That lasted about three months.

Once again, the spam started rolling in. This time I took a phone call. “Would you like to switch your long distance?”

I ask, “will you pay for everything?”

“There is no charge to you whatsoever.”

“Excellent,” I say. “Please let me know once you have installed my telephone line and set my account up for me.”

“You don’t have a telephone account? I’m sorry, we can’t help you.”

“Let me talk to your boss,” I say. The line goes dead. No phone calls, no mail. For exactly three months.

Once again, the calls kick up, the mail starts rolling in again. This time, I’m fed up. I rip open one of the envelopes, sign up for the deluxe plan, and carefully note my change of address and new telephone number. Well, it wasn’t exactly my address and telephone number. It was for my local AT&T office.

I never heard from them again.

36

In 1979 I was riding on a California Street cable car in San Francisco, coasting down the east side of Nob Hill heading toward the general vicinity of the Clay Street Pier, the Ferry Building, and the Bay Bridge. We had gone about three blocks, and the car suddenly stopped at Kearny Street, and the gripman and conductor said something was wrong with the mechanism on the car; all the passengers would have to wait and get on the next one.
I remembered an incident, perhaps at this same spot, that, according to historian Lucius Beebe, had happened some 90 years before. The gripman was struggling to get the grip–a giant clamping device that clamps onto the cable, which runs below the street surface–to clamp properly. An elderly Chinese man approached, and asked a question, in a grave and serious manner, of the gripman.
When the conductor ordered us off the car, in 1979, I used the old man’s question:
“Whassa maller–stling bloke?”
The gripman, the conductor, and the passengers all got a good laugh about this. :slight_smile: :smiley:

37

Sofa King, you’re an evil genius!

38

In a family with three men, you have to imagine that my mother had to put up with a lot. We had a ritual that whenever anyone passed audible gas, they’d immediately blame the nearest person. BRAAAAAATTTTTTTTT “Stofsky!” “That was you, Dad!”

My younger brother, about 3 at the time, is sitting in the cart in the checkout line on a busy Saturday morning at the grocery store. Of course, he was well on his way to becoming the family flatulation champ, and cuts loose with one that could be heard all the way back in dairy.

MOTHER!!!

39

My four-year-old cousin asked his mom the other day what happens after everyone dies. His mom was kinda taken aback, but she waited a second and in four-year-old terms, explained the idea of Heaven and Hell to him (if you’re good and do what God tells you to do, you’ll go to heaven, if not, you’ll go to hell). Logan digested this new info for a few seconds, and then with the most serious look on his face said, “Well, I’m glad I asked!”

40

Thanks for resurrecting this with your cute stories. I’m sending friends e-mail links to this thread because I like the stories so much.

-----:slight_smile:
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