So what, pray tell, is the proper way to go down on a woman?
(rjung goes to get something to write with)
First, you want to put on a shiny, green snakeskin suit. Go to a bar, find a lady you like, send her a white russian.
When she accepts it, give her the WINK AND THE GUN and send her your cellphone number on a napkin.
No doubt she’ll rush over, already wet with desire.
Put her in the back of your Iroc and turn up the Foghat on the radio.
Slowly slip off her crotchless panties and immediately jam three fingers inside of her… chicks like when you get RIGHT TO THE PENETRATION.
Piston in and out harshly for 45 seconds straight, no change in momentum, then scooch down, putting her feet on the dashboard and make your tongue real stiff and pointy.
DIVE IN. MORE PENETRATION! Now, just mash your half shaved, sharp face into the delicate skin of her…well…her hooha…and say “ooh baby, you’re sweet as candy”.
Then, give one cursory lick to that bump at the top of her f-hole and she’ll come instantly (it’s how chicks work…simple physiology)
Slap her on the ass and say “you’re a good gal, call me”
Let me know if this works 
Is there such a thing as bad cunnilingus?
Oh yes. Yes there is… too much teeth is always a problem (use your lips and tongue please). Also consistentcy and inconsistency:
When I scream “OOOOOHHHH YEEEESSS!!” please dont move on to a different place, stay there, I’m enjoying it and letting you know. And if im laying stiff as a board, no sexy noises coming out of me, move on, a little up, a little down, little to the left, to the right (let your ears guide you if possible).
Inspired by these threads, I have to ask – are there any women who don’t like cunnilingus?
Just want to know if such an unlikely person actually exists, and if so, how I can avoid 'em. 
Ha! You can avoid them by hanging out with me!
Hey, different strokes for different folks and all, but man there ain’t nothin’ better.
That might have been TMI, by the way. But then if you clicked on this thread, what the hell did you expect?? 
the counterpoint to the BJ smiley! —>
Oh, God, jar, that cracked me up.
Especially THE WINK AND THE GUN. Niiiice.
Yuck.
I hate it.
Mostly because very, very men seem to think I am an ice cream cone, or that if you keep “pushing the button” the elevator will come faster (pun perhaps intended).
The only time I liked it was my first time. After that… yuck/bleh/meh.
In other news, the headline in today’s Tempo section of the Chicago Tribune is:
It’s Bird vs. Trump (vs. Canfora) in battle of French Lick.
Well the thing is, a lot depends on what you mean by ‘cunnilingus’. If it means ‘the man gets so caught up in lapping/sucking/pulling/tugging that he forgets his purpose is to make the WOMAN feel good’ or ‘the man has seen tongue penetration on pr0n videos and thinks it must feel like penile penetration and wants to do lots of it because it’s physically possible’ or ‘the man wants to do it every time during sex because HE likes it even if SHE doesn’t particularly feel like it that time’…
Yuck.
If on the other hand the man remembers that his biggest reaon for being down there is to do what feels good to that particular woman, not what he’s seen in videos while the paid actress moaned and shrieked with a looped soundtrack…if he will respect that perhaps certain things do not feel good, or may even turn her off (cold, like a light switch) and that those things must be consciously avoided…hey, I’m all for it. I think it’s all part of a balanced sex life.
That said, there are things that can be done during cunnilingus that literally turn me off so fast I’d rather throw my clothes on and go watch television for an hour than stay in bed even one second longer. Why? I have not a single clue, but avoiding those things seems like an awfully good idea, really. I don’t always want to do it. Sometimes I just want plain old vanilla sex. I don’t want to have it done to me merely for the man’s gratification (although I may agree anyway) and above all I do not want to have it done to me under such circumstances, and then be told “Well, I did it to YOU, now I want you to do it to ME.”
Now, out of respect to the only sex partner in my life, my husband of nearly 13 years, most of this stuff is communication stuff, and communication has rendered all these points moot. I thoroughly enjoy my marriage in all its aspects. But it took learning how to communicate these things without hurting anybody’s feelings or egos, or whatever. That took time and mutual respect and care.
I don’t honestly know what I would do if I were to start into a relationship with a new person. I mean, I wouldn’t really want to sit a guy down and say, “look, before you start, don’t do X, Y, or Z, because they make me want to run away screaming, and A and B do absolutely nothing for me, and don’t have the expectation that this must be a tit-for-tat thing because I think that’s coercive.” Who wants to be given a lecture like that? But I would have to. Because I know my own responses. I would hate to shut down physically and emotionally in the middle of sex with a new partner because he didn’t know such things to avoid them. I hope I never have to go seek a new partner. I’m entirely too comfortable with the one I have now, for that.
Is there such a thing as bad cunnilingus?
As the others have already said, yes there most definitely is!
So much for the slow ride.
Yes, there is. There is also such a thing as “indifferent cunnilingus” which, IME, is most of it.
Examples of bad cunnilingus:
-
When the only thing he does is poke his tongue in and out of you. “Hey, this is what I do with my dick, so it must be good.”
-
When there’s so much slobber involved, it prevents any friction.
-
When he doesn’t put his face close enough and his breath cools off all the wet spots.
-
When he decides to see what will happen when he blows real hard into your hole… without telling you.
In case anyone is confused, I merged rjung’s thread into this one since they’re on the same topic. All of the posts should have slotted in chronologically. Just a housekeeping thing, doncha know.
TVeblen
Take it easy!
Well, I’m a gal and have only ever been on the receiving end, of which I must say, 85% has been forgettable, maybe 90%. It definitely is a talent. But I’m off to Chicago in 2 weeks and have a tentative threesome setup (me + 1 guy + 1 gal). This would be the first time I’ve ever been with another girl, of which I’m looking forward to, but I’m a girl-virgin and I’ll be a complete amateur (don’t know whether she is or not, but I suspect not). So, girl to girl, what works?
And here I was wondering if I had screwed up (heh) with my new thread. 
I just wanted to distinguish “bad” versus “don’t want it at all.”
What??? I thought Sam Kinison did!
No idea. But with first-hand experience, I’m sure I could think of something
What if you’re dyslexic, does the alphabet trick still work? Or does it have the opposite effect?