Our son who turned 4 last month has been and will be our only child.
We’ve made efforts to make sure he has plenty of social interaction with other kids. He’s in facility daycare fulltime, has a neighborhood full of other kids to play with, and is always enrolled in some type of activity (swimming lessons, t-ball, soccer) once or twice a week.
This seems to have been working well socializing wise.
The concern now seems to be his taking for granted that he gets mom & dads full attention whenever he needs it. No having to share it with anyone else. Same with grandma & grandpa who live 6 hours away. This became apparent when we were vacationing at a waterpark resort with grandma & grandpa and his 3 year-old female cousin and her family joined us a day later. They gave some attention to granddaughter and my son got very possesive of them.
I’ve since come to realize that he has almost too much freedom in receiving attention and getting to decide things. For example since we are pretty passive about what to eat for dinner and he’s a good eater we often let him decide what we’ll be having for dinner (spaghetti, stir fry, etc). He chooses what games to play, what books to read, what dvd to watch. So in his universe inside our home he’s got a lot of control. Not really sure if this is good or bad. I like his dependance and decision making however???
Any tips on raising only children and what to look out for?
Sounds like you’re doing fine. Do you and your spouse have a regular date night away from the kid? If not, I would highly recommend that you do so, for your sake, and it also teaches the kid that mom and dad need time alone together as well.
Instead of always letting him choose dinner out or the game, rotate the decision between the three of you.
My son who is now 15, was going to be an only child. His mom and I divorced when he was 7. He now has a half-sibling on each side.
I’m an only and I know a few, and I will say this: it seems difficult for parents of only children to not make that child the center of the parents’ universe. I dunno, maybe it’s because parents with more kids have more to distract them. However, from the kid’s point of view, it can suck to constantly be under such focused attention all the time.
It’s hard to say if your son’s possessiveness is age-appropriate or not. Don’t 4-year-olds consider themselves to be the center of the universe anyway, very me-oriented?
My parents were the complete opposite of you as far as the decision-making thing goes, and it made it difficult as I got older to do things like think for myself. So as long as your kid isn’t dictating chicken fingers for dinner every night, letting him pick the meal here and there doesn’t strike me as a bad thing. (Lord knows we have enough threads about lifelong eating issues because parents made mealtimes into power struggles and battlefields.) As long as you are still ultimately in charge - and more importantly, that both you and your son know that - I think you’re in good shape.
(Also, his possessiveness of you now will, eventually, wear off. When he’s a surly, grunting teenager, you’ll probably think back fondly to your little waterpark incident.)
My son is the same age as yours. Although I no longer have experience raising an only child since we recently had a new baby, it sounds like you’re doing fine. As recommended upthread, though, I would suggest taking turns more frequently in making decisions so he doesn’t just assume that he’s always going to be the decisionmaker.
And another thing somewhat related to the idea of “sharing people” is not allowing him to interrupt you when you’re speaking to someone else. For example, if you’re in the middle of a conversation with your husband and he interrupts, tell him calmly, “Daddy and I are talking. Let us finish, and I’ll get to you.” It sounds really minor, but I’ve found that this does help our son understand that other people get to have my attention, too.
I’m an only child, or more correctly I was raised as one. It sounds like you’re doing fine. My advice is just in general from what I observed growing up. It’s mainly this. Remember that your kid is just a kid, not a miniature adult. Don’t expect them to always be reasonable, able to focus, always capable in any situation. Remember to allow them to be a little immature, and let them have an emotional outburst or two. And for god’s sake, praise their successes, even if what they’ve done would be easy for you, an adult.
Don’t worry. You’re not going to have a spoiled monster on your hands if you allow a little leeway for a kid.
I’m an only child, and I think whether or not you have siblings doesn’t matter. All kids need to learn how to get along with the rest of the world. The only difference is only children have to learn this with his parents, teachers, authority figures, and friends, instead of parents, teachers, authority figures, friends, and siblings.
I don’t see any point in worrying about him deciding a lot of things for himself on principle alone. If you’re ok with him making decisions for himself, and you’re ok with what he chooses, there’s no problem.
As an introvert and an only child, I have to add: don’t force him to be any more social than he wants to be just because he’s an only. You don’t have to “make up” for him not having siblings.
Best advice I can give is try to live in an area with many various activities for your young child, not in a quiet place where the most fun activity your kid can come up with is to dig gigantic holes in the backyard. This might be based on life experience haha.
Of course, this was before the internet, so now who knows.
Good thread–this is a question weighing heavily on me and Mrs. Devil. The Little Devil is just ten months, so we’re mainly thinking in future terms. He may even get another Demon, but we’re not sure.
But here’s our concern: We live in the middle of five acres at the end of a mile-long cul-de-sac. There are about ten other houses on the street, strung out with similar lot sizes. You can see two neighbors’ houses during the winter, but just barely. Not a hint of anyone else in the summer. It can change, but right now there are no other kids on the street. Surrounding us are more woods, and a very steep, very narrow hill (i.e., no pedaling up or down for many years).
But wait, there’s more: We work from home, which means no daily commute and no regular contact with anyone else. Liking co-workers or not, being completely disconnected from the professional world can be a bit isolating friends-wise. Compounding that we moved out here from NYC a few years ago. We’re only an hour or so outside the city, but know a remarkably small number of people in the area, and none of them have kids. Well, some do but since we’re about 40 most other new parents are younger.
So sometimes we think we’re bringing him up in paradise. There’s an acre of perennial gardens in front, surrounded by woods. No locked doors, no fear of an errant car, he’ll be free to roam and play without fear (er, our fear that is). But then we think we’re going to raise a perfect little Boo Radley.
The social interaction with other kids is a real good idea. Keep it up. Formal group activities (Team sports, choir, orchestra, theatre group, etc.) will be good, in that he will learn to accept that he is not the center of attention most of the time.
Without this social interaction, he would be in for some rude shocks when he first goes to school – other kids will be much less gentle than you with him.
P.S. My snarky reaction would be to say 'see the next thread (Lithium.) 
I’m an only child.
I was thankful to live in a kid-infested neighborhood, and I don’t know how I would have fared without that. I never had to be lonely and had plenty of space for informal interaction.
The one lesson I wished I had better learned is how to share my space with others. My household was just my mother and I, and so it was usually a pretty quiet place where I had a lot of control over my environment. When I moved to college and was suddenly sharing a room with a couple of strangers, I had a pretty hard time handling it and I think I alienated a lot of people simply because I never learned how to deal with other people’s music, messes, etc.
I think having more friends sleeping over and summer-camp type experiences would have gone a long way towards making me more tolerant of others.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job so far. You’re mindful that there could be gaps in his upbringing due to a lack of siblings, and that shows a level of awareness that a lot of parents don’t necessarily have.
My husband is an only child, but then he’s also the child of a manic-depressive mother, so it’s hard to know whether his various experiences were due more to the former or the latter. Probably a combination of the two.
Off the top of my head, here are some things I think his parents didn’t get right…
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he was bullied at the local school by a teacher, but instead of taking action with that school, they moved him to a school across the other side of the city because it was close to his mother’s work. As a result, he couldn’t play with school mates after school because they all lived too far away
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his parents were his main play mates and they let him win all the games, etc. He didn’t really learn that the fun was in playing the game, rather than winning, until he became involved with me and my family
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this one was probably more due to his mother’s mental state, but she made a lot of ‘you’re the centre of my life, everything I do is for you, only you can make me happy’ type statements. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid.
This is excellent advice whether you have one child or you’re a Duggar. Every time I see a parent stop everything they’re doing to devote their full attention to a child who is interrupting not because they have anything in particular to say, but just because nobody happens to be doting on them at the moment and they can’t bear it, it makes me want to spit fire.
Remember to not treat every issue he has as an only-child issue. Not having siblings is not a big deal. You are over thinking it.
You might not be aware, but as he gets older, people will say the most remarkably idiotic things to him. I’ve had adult strangers come up to me and ask me, at six years old, if I felt sorry for myself. I’ve always wondered at the thought process behind this. Anyway, when it happens, explain to him matter-of-factually that these things happen because the adult is, in fact, stupid, and that he should ignore them (after answering politely, of course).
He will also have to get used to people saying “only children are (negative stereotype)”, in mixed company, without realizing that only children are actual people, who may be present. Multiples don’t seem to realize that only children exist outside of fiction. My friends do this, even if they know about me. People aren’t capable reasoning that saying stuff like “all only children are horrible” is insulting and hurtful to actual only children. It feels a bit like a milder version of the “we’re all racists/homophobes here” - mindset. You may have to handle this issue as it comes up.
In summary, the best way to raise an only-child is to make it a non-issue.
I was an only child and so was my husband, from drastically different circumstances. My mother was 16 and dumped my father when she got pregnant rather than marry him, while my husband’s parents were and still are married and were in their mid-to-late 20s when they had him. We both turned out okay and are generally not selfish spoiled brats. Our daughter will be an only too.
In that case, I recommend hiding the scissors.
Another thought, my daughter is an only child and she is seven. She has recently begun asking for a sibling - we haven’t fully decided yet but it’s not probable.
One thing that helps is explaining to her that even if Mommy had a baby tomorrow, they would not be really at ages where they would be playing together and lots would change. She seemed to think that having a brother or sister meant that she would instantly get a live-im playmate.
Not so.
I’m an only child. People seem surprised when they find this out. I have no idea what they are expecting, but I apparently don’t fit whatever stereotype there is for only children.
I did get enrolled in extracurricular activities while young - swimming, figure skating, gymnastics, girl scouts. My mom was a Troop Leader for several years and I went to day camp in the summers probably grade 3-6, and then overnight camps sometimes for several weeks at a time until about age 15.
I think those things helped a lot. They didn’t just help me by being around a bunch of other kids my age, I think it helped my parents with me being away so they weren’t always centering me in their interests an I didn’t feel parental pressure as the center of their attention all the time.
My 12 yo son is an only child. To complicate things, his is also an only grandchild…on both sides of the family. People are often surprised when this comes up, because he doesn’t “act like an only child” whatever that means.
I think 4 year olds, only kid or not, generally want everyone’s attention all to themselves, except for when they don’t. That is the nature of being 4.
I think you guys are doing a great job and probably have nothing at all to worry about. Just the fact that you recognize their could be a problem and are thinking about it now, most likely means there won’t be a problem later on.
I don’t have anything of my own to add, but felt I had to open this Thread.
I am at work right now and on the table of magazines laid out in the lobby there is the July 19th Time Magazine. The cover reads: The Only Child Myth, They’re supposed to be selfish, spoiled, and lonely. In fact, they’re just fine - and on the rise.
I haven’t read the article but there is an abridged version on the website.
Again, I haven’t read the article- so my contribution here may have been no help at all- but seeing the magazine in the lobby, then sitting down in front of the computer and seeing this Thread, I figured I ought to mention it.
I have a ‘virtual’ only child. Which means that there was at least eight years difference between my youngest, and her next-older sibling. I have three daughters, aged 23 (married and living independently), 19 (cohabiting and living independently), and 10. Needless to say, 10YO lives with me.
Here are some things I do (and I don’t know that I’m ‘doing it right’, I only hope I am!):
Socialize her a lot. During the school year, she has bowling league on Saturday mornings, plus she has a personality that makes it easy for her to find friends at school. She’s not one of the ‘popular’ kids (she’s too fat for that), but she’s fearless; she thinks nothing of approaching another kid, introducing herself, and asking if they want to play, share her chips, whatever. Now that the school year is out, I take her to the public pool at least once a week, plus make sure she has plenty of contact with her other friends.
It’s very important for me to teach her that, while she is the apple of my eye, her minor issues do not take precedence over something important I am dealing with. If I am on the phone, she knows not to interrupt me unless it’s very important. If I’m talking to my sister (who lives with me, because she has cancer, and I’m her care-giver), my daughter needs to ask permission to interrupt us.
But the bottom line is that every kid is different. They have their personalities. My 10YO mudgirl is a ‘planner’. She functions best when she knows not only what the plan is, but what the backup plan is, as well.
You need to deal with your child as an individual human. Yes, 4YOs by nature believe the world revolves around them. With a 4YO that had a sibling at age 2, the lesson that the world doesn’t revolve around them may come more naturally, and more abruptly. But you can start slow. If your kid is one you can reason with, talk to them about the issue. Tell them what you expect of them. When they ‘break’ the rules, gently remind them of the rules. When they break the rules willfully and repeatedly (as 4YOs are wont to do), tell them there will be consequences next time, and follow through.
No matter how many kids you are raising, communication and consistency are key!
Sounds to me like you are doing a great job. Keep it up!