My car is now dead and we are having the wake tonight. Tomorrow I am going to administer last rites, and then beat it with a baseball bat. So does anyone have any ideas for last rites before the desecration of the corpse
The desecration of the corpse is the last rite. I once donated my car to a high school so they could sell swings of the sledgehammer for $1 apiece (or whatever they wanted).
It was a 1978 Pontiac Lemans. Had a very nice bench front seat and the rear view mirrors always worked just fine. Those are the only kind words I can say about it.
I can almost guarantee that you know someone with a nitrous oxide system that you can borrow. See exactly how much giggle gas you can run through it before it pops. Most cars will take about 150 HP then start melting things and popping gaskets with proper fuel, without additonal fuel most cars take around 75 before parts start unbolting themselves. Skilled associates of mine with experience using N2O have done this with glorious effects. I would reccomend you find a similar associate to help you as this could get dangerous if you’re not careful.
Before beating it with a baseball bat, do a more surgical autopsy. Car seats are comfortable enough for you to sit in for hours on a trip, why not comfy enough to sit on during a movie or in front of the computer??
Strip down as much as you can and see how much ‘dead’ weight is in the car. Sound proofing, carpet, seats (except drivers), trim, lights, powered accessories, etc all add up to several hundred pounds that your car has to haul around and not really use. Less weight = more effecient and more seat-of-the-pants power.
Pulling the intake manifold and heads off can be enlightening too, see how much crap is rolling around inside the engine. This can lead to accidental repair of the car though. Along similar lines, start the car have a peek. Unbolt something minor, like the waterpump and repeat. Keep unbolting until you remove something so the car won’t run. You’ll learn what parts you really NEED to keep a car running for a short time.
Run it full throttle and dump a box of BB’s in. A year or so back, pics started showing up when someone had this accidentally happen to them, you wouldnt think that such little balls of soft metal would do much damage.
Ever wonder if sugar in the gas tank really coats the engine in caramel? Heres your chance to find out.
Cut the exhaust off in front of the catalytic and watch the fire show.
Want a low rider like the cool kids have??? Take the shocks and/or struts out.
Pour a few cups of sand in the transmission. It’ll get really good, hard shifts for around 100 miles.
Take pics, we want to see 'em.
Disclaimer: What I suggest here, like all automotive related endeavors, could lead to destruction of the auto, environmental damage (from scrap and chemicals), and personal injury. It’s obvious to any rational adult which of my suggestions involve fire and the violent destruction of the auto. Fire and flying pieces of car are DANGEROUS, if you have the slightest qualms about your skills or the safety of anyone in the area STOP. No one will be responsible for what happens except you.
I should have given more information NevarMore, the wight on my passenger side wheel was off and that caused it the tire to go flying off a little while ago, the balance weight was off( I foolishly let some one put a spare on for me and they did not tighten the bolts). My car is now sitting in the parking lot and we are trying to figure out what to do with it before I donate it for a tax break.
p.s. please excuse the poor typing slash grammar, I have been at the wake for a littel bit and eye-hand coordination is kinda low.
Two words: Viking Funeral.
Or maybe you could find some antique arms collector who’d be willing to your car over with a tank, or unload a Gatling Gun into it.
…anyway, for the ceremony itself, I suggest a playing of “taps,” (An MP3 isn’t too hard to find) which almost all dead machines are entitled to. Or “Amazing Grace,” if you actually liked the car. (Since you mentioned a baseball bat, I’m guessing that you don’t like the car)
Actually, now that I think about it, you could adapt an old Klingon funerary practice…jabbing the corpse with a [Painstik](javascript:popupWindow(‘http://www.psi-soft.co.uk/popup_image.php/pID/38697’)) to make sure that he/she/it is really dead. This practice was also featured in the Audrey Hepburn movie “Charade,” if that’s more your cup of tea.
You may wish to remove a small memento from the car, like the knob from the gearshift, if you’re feeling sentimental.
Or you might rent The Brave Little Toaster, and fast-forward to the “worthless” song number, sung by the cars in the junkyard. But keep some kleenex handy. :Sniff: 
Here in the semi-rural South, the car undergoes the formal “Lying in State” for a respectful period (typically several years) in your yard.
“Removal of Tires and Blocking-Up” is a traditional ritual, but is often omitted by those of Non-Mechanical Orthodox inclination.
Eventually, the traditional “Parting-Out” of the car begins. A friend will be complaining about his fuel pump or whatever, and you’ll say “Hey, I think I have a fuel pump that’ll fit!”
This is considered a charitable and community-oriented practice, allowing the car to continue serving a useful purpose, even in death.
(Again, often omitted by Non-Mechanical Orthodox. Heathens!)
For a car that has served particularly well, at least one bout of “Fixin’ That Old Clunker Up!” is a touching sign of respect, though this should not be performed until the car shows definite signs of decay (extensive body rust, inexplicably broken windshield, perhaps a bullet hole or two).
Actual efforts (though half-hearted and fore-doomed ones) must be made to fix the car up, otherwise, you make a mockery of the practice… talk is cheap! Clearly, this ritual is limited to Mechanical Orthodox and Fundamentalist families.
Mechanical Fundamentalists will sometimes COMPLETE the “Fixin’ Up”, producing a Christ-like resurrection of the car to normal service, but the rituals for this are beyond the scope of our discussion.
Once that is appropriately completed (more than once, for those of Mechanical Fundamentalist persuasion), the car often serves a period as “Children’s Playhouse”, “Puppy/Kitten Birth Ward”, “Outdoor Workbench”, or “Practice Target”, depending on the individual proclivities of its owner/mourner.
Finally, the ritual ends with the “Final Towing-Away”. This practice is initiated by the inevitable visit from a total stranger who was driving by, happened to spot the car, and wishes to consider purchasing it.
(Mechanical Fundamentalists prefer barter, such as trading the car for a drill-press and a Remington 870, so be ready to dicker!)
Sometimes this will be a Mechanical Fundamentalist teen in need of cheap transportation, a demolition derby driver, or a guy who needs so many parts (i.e., a whole engine and drivetrain) that it’s easier to buy the whole car and cart it away.
After the ceremonial “Hunt for a Piece of Towing Chain”, the tedious “Jury-Rigging of Brake Lights and Turn Signals”, and the challenging “Recruitment of Someone Crazy Enough to Ride in the Dead Car and Stomp the Brake When Necessary”, your departed vehicle is on its way to whatever fate the Afterlife may hold.
Farewell old friend… Farewell!
Vlad Dracul, that was hilarious, and brought back many, many warm memories.
caffeine_overdose, how about “C’mon, honey, once more in the backseat! For old times’ sake? Pleeeeease?”
Glad you liked it, Jackelope!
May I make a suggestion? The folks you want to donate the car to would like to sell if to make money. The amount of money they make depends on the condition of said vehicle. So taking a few whacks at the car with a baseball bat and any value the car did have is gone. In fact, the charity that accepts the car could end up paying to dispose of it. Kind of like the butts that think the Goodwill wants all there old stuff, even the garbage. Do your charitable organization a favor and leave the bat at home.
Are you saying Goodwill wouldn’t want all these muffin stumps I have lying around? 