Three years ago, I went to sleep with a bad headache and woke up having a stroke. I fell out of bed, somehow made it to the bathroom, and fell again. As I lay on the bathroom floor, the pain in my head overwhelmed me and my body didn’t work. My entire left side was numb and paralyzed I couldn’t see out my left eye. I couldn’t even call for help. All I could do was lie there making animal noises. My parents heard the noises and found me. I was rushed to the hospital. The doctors told my family that I won’t make it through the week. I was 24 and that was the day my life, as I knew it, died.
I did live (obviously). With a lot of time and work, I’m almost 100% recovered. Almost. I lost all my friends, my sense of security, and feeling on my left side. What I have gained is survivors guilt and roller coaster emotions. I know as human beings, we’re not supposed to know the answers to the Big Whys. But, so help me… Why am I alive? Why do I deserve to live more than my co-worker’s 18 year old son (who died in Iraq)? And why must my aunt suffer and die from Picks disease and yet I am still here?
I don’t like throwing pity parties and I know my life is pretty damn good. I’m healthy, employed, in grad school and have a boyfriend. But, finding out about my aunt’s condition today, threw me for a loop. Picks disease, which attacks the brain, has no cure and is fatal. The last couple years of the victim’s life, they suffer from progressively worsening dementia. I can’t think of a worse way to go. I know what it’s like when you can’t trust yourself because your brain is completely messed up. I know what it’s like when the crushing realization hits that you can’t do X, or you can’t feel Y, or you can’t move. The brain isn’t like other body parts. If it is injured, that part is GONE. There’s no healing, no scars, cells just wipe away dead brain. I like to joke that I have a swiss cheese brain and I’m a liberal because I’m brain damaged.
I know religion is supposed to be there to help through times like these. I don’t believe in God and most of the religious people that I know don’t impress me. Platitudes like “God has a plan.” or “Everything happens for a reason.” don’t hold weight in the world I live in. In my world any day can be your last and there isn’t a Big Bearded Sky Fairy watching over us. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. I can’t help feeling that the fact I’m alive is a big cosmic mistake.
I’m an atheist. A lot of people who are or claim to be religious types would throw those “God has a plan” replies at you. I tend to be a realist (which some mistake for pessimism).
Because the stroke wasn’t powerful enough to kill you and you got proper medical attention and rehabilitation.
No one deserves to live or not live any more than anyone else. He was in a place and circumstance where death could happen at any second.
Pretty much the same answer as above. Why should a kid get cancer and die at an early age when some evil bastard just lives on and on.
Everything DOES happen for a reason, but not necessarily because of some great cosmic plan. You just have to try and accept it and move on.
It’s great that you have recovered. A lot of people don’t, but that’s the way it goes.
As for the “friends” you lost. Have you heard from any of them since your recovery? Of course, some people can’t handle extreme illnesses. Everybody’s different. Would I hold it against them? No.
I egotistical enough to think that I’m alive because I deserve to be. When you get to my age you have been to a lot of funerals, some pretty early on.
I can’t help you because I’ve never had the problem, but I wish you well and hope you find a way to come to terms with that fact that you survive and others don’t.
Whether or not you beleive a religious answer to death or an athiest’s… or anyones theories really… The FACT of the matter is this: No one knows. No one can tell you what happens, why it happens and when it is going to happen. When you do die, well then, maybe you will find out.
My advice? Live on, man. Live for those people who got their lives cut shorter than they should be. Live and do it right.
I can tell you one thing… I questioned it for a long time. A long time. I havent had many deaths happen in my life, only my grandfather when I was 14 or so. But I had a huge wonder- huge- I demanded to know what the hell is going on? And I think that alot of people spend a lot of time thinking way to much about it. People quest on for years searching for answers that they will not get. I’d rather thank god, or whoever, that im alive and move on.
Anyway, I decided awhile ago that I am not going to waste any time looking for impossible things. I am very sorry to here about your Aunt and i’m sorry that you went thru what you did. Be there for her and for yourself, your life and her future suffering is no cosmic mistake-there is no blame to be placed anywhere. It is because thats the way it is.
If you don’t believe that “God has a plan” or “Everything happens for a reason”, then what is with your asking “Why am I alive”. Since there is no “plan” or “reason” there can’t be a reason “why”. Not only that but what about this “cosmic mistake”. That sure has the makings of a “greater power” who made a mistake while implimenting his “plan”.
I’m sorry you suffered the stroke, but it seems like you have recovered and instead of asking “why am I here”, perhaps you should look for the lessons there are to be learned from your experience whether it was “planned” or just happened.
Believing in religion, or god, or in some cosmic plan is an easier way to live. It takes real stregth to go on when you realize that you are not special for having survived (except, perhapse, as a statistical anomaly). I agree with everything Mr. Blue Sky said except for “everything happens for a reason.” As kniz points out,
This is exactly right, even if it goes against his ultimate point. If you look at all of the people with strokes, there is going to be a percentage that survives for whatever reason. You were one of them. This is a good thing. I am terribly sorry for your aunt. But her contraction of that disease has zero to do with you, god, or any master plan. If you want to feel something, feel badly for your aunt because you love her, not because she is dying and you are not. Because if you do the latter, you are taking away from your relationship.
My advice is be strong, and live to be a good person. If you didn’t have a near death experience, you wouldn’t be dwelling on death like you do. So I say don’t dwell on it now. Make that part of your recovery. Help your aunt like you would’ve if your stroke never happened. As you said, “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.” Make the most of your life because we all have limited time in the big picture sense. And don’t live life to the fullest because you survived, live it to the fullest because eventually we’re all going to die, and you now realize that it’s just a good way for everyone to be.
Sorry to be vague. In this case, the reason she had a stroke was that there was something wrong inside her brain. Nothing more, nothing less. Not God testing her or anything like that. Nothing cosmic, at least.
You think? You think it’s easy to believe in God and watch your family die, and have to put the two together? You think it’s easy to say “God let that little boy die in agony, and I’m going to go to church and worship him now”? You think it’s EASY?
I must respectfully disagree. I think it’s a lot easier to believe there’s no reason behind anything, because that’s what 99% of the evidence is telling us. And I would if I could.
I’m glad you recovered from your stroke. I don’t believe there’s a big plan. There just “is.” Life is what it is. You have a chance to live on, and my advice is to live the best life you can. We all suffer when we lose loved ones. I always wonder if there are answers at the end of the line. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to find out :). Just be the person you want to be and do the best job you can while you’re here.
Thank you all for replying to this topic. I was having a bad night (part of the downswing of my emotional roller coaster) and I don’t like to talk to friends/family about these thoughts. Normally, I’m a pretty positive person. Hell, I survived a stroke so no problem can stop me. The death fixation crops up when I’m around death or grieving. I’ll try to work these issues out with my therapist.
Before my stroke, I was a very needy, insecure person so I chose friends poorly. A couple of my former friends couldn’t deal with what happened to me and didn’t want to stick around through my recovery. Others got sick of my recovery. I was tired all the time, was so embarrassed about my speech that I spoke rarely, and had emotional fallout from the trauma. Sometimes people are friends with you because you fulfill a need for them. Once you stop fulfilling that need, you are a waste of time. On the up side, I was able to get in touch with old high school buddies and build a new network of better friends through grad school. It was like I was able to befriend those who knew me “before”, with those who only knew me “after” and now I’m the complete me.
I really like this way of looking at my situation. It’s like I was looking at my one glass half empty. Now I can look at a table of glasses half full. Thanks man! I think Iunderstand what you were trying to say about believing in religion is easier. Religion can be a panacea or a mass delusion that can make tough times easier for those who feel that they’re being “tested” or were “chosen”. Heck, check out our current president!
