For some this may be true, but when my grandfather died in August after a long illness I helped him through, I needed to see him in the coffin. For the last week of his life I rarely left him. It was incredibly hard to leave him that last time, but being able to hold his hand and say goodbye really helped me let go. Admittedly, I had to be practically dragged from the funeral home, but it forced me to cope with the fact that he was really gone.
I agree funerals are basically wrong-headed.
The end is bad enough. Some people don’t get them, you know, for a variety of reasons.
I am sorry, honey. I had the same experience with my mom, but I was there when she died so I sat there and held her hand for three hours before I allowed the people from the funeral home to take her body away. My siblings called the funeral home people, and pried my hand out of hers. I think they thought I had lost my mind. Maybe they were right.
I do understand, and I’m sending you my love.
Love doesn’t die. The person you love may be gone, but the relationship you had with them lives on.
((((((((Sapphire)))))))
I am sitting here crying for the loss I feel for my mom, and for my brother, and for your loss of your grandad. It really never goes away, you know. It just changes.
I am so sorry you lost your Grandad.
I did actually mean morally. I was trying to avoid really getting into what I meant, because it will probably piss somebody off, but Ill go ahead here, so if the whole idea of this thread made you uncomfortable, then don’t keep reading. A lot of people have said that the funeral is for the living, which is the part I hate. The funeral is for the sake of the living at the expense of the dignity of the deceased. The person I cared about was a vibrant, interesting person, because of who they were, having nothing to do with the body they lived in, but it is the last physical representation of who they were. Sewing, ripping, breaking, and pumping things into the body, and displaying it like a buffet dinner is just a horrible thing to do to their memory. Plus the fact that now everybodys last memory of that person will be of a motionless corpse. I feel that as an honor to the dead, everybody should remember them as the person they truely were, rather than forcing everybody to think of them most recently lying in the most pathetic situation imagineable.
Ugh…those were positively creepy. I found a picture of a baby like that in my grandmother’s desk; I refused to sleep in my room until the picture was taken away.
Anyway…
I think it’s fine if someone doesn’t go to a funeral. I also object open-caskets; my aunt Lou recently died and it was closed-casket, which I thought was much better.
When my father dies (I estimate he won’t be living much longer), he’s going to be cremated and we’ll scatter his ashes on a mountain in the area where he grew up. He’ll definitely have a memorial service. I’ll probably take this same path. Someone mentioned putting a nice picture of the person on the closed coffin; that’s a good idea. I would rather have people remember my dad when he was stronger and more vibrant than what he’ll look like in the end, ravaged by cancer.
Wolfman
I don’t think that funerals should degrade the dead. The only funeral I’ve had anything to do with organising was my son’s. It was a do it yourself number from start to finish. We brought him home from the hospital and he was in the living room for people to see him if they wanted to. We made the coffin with the help of friends. We wrote the funeral service together with the help of friends. The only contact we had with a funeral director was the one who delivered coffin handles to our home and refused payment. It was a really special and holy time, the brief few days we had with him. The flowers were given by friends.
Welfy
the pictures of my lost baby are the first thing I would grab if the house burnt down. They are the only remaining tangible evidence of my baby. They will go in my coffin when I die though. The only people who have seen the photos are close relatives who couldn’t make it to the funeral. They are a very special and a very private part of my heart. The film was processed by a photo lab where the owner had lost a child also. He does it for free and it is done with total respect.
Damn I need to go and cry now
Please excuse me, wolfman, for disagreeing with you.
My mother had some invasive surgery 1 1/2 years before she died. Unfortunately, her cancer came back. When she was diagnosed terminal, she made the decision not to do any more treatment. She felt that she had done all that she could to remain on this earth with the people she loved.
After she died, I PERSONALLY made the decision not to have her embalmed. She had said that she was tired of having stuff done to her body, and I respected that decision. I did not allow anyone to do anything more to her body. Because that was her wish before death, and I loved her enough to honor that wish in death.
We did not have an open casket.
My mother lived with dignity, and she died with dignity. We honored her with a memorial service. The minister finally had to close the open forum at her service, because so many people wanted to share thoughts of how much she had touched their lives that we would have been there all day if everyone who loved her had been allowed to share.
You have the option to deal with your loved one in the most dignified manner possible. You have the option NOT to have them “sewed, pumped, broken and displayed.”
My heart breaks every time I think about the fact that my mother is gone. I take comfort from the fact that so many people loved her, and valued her.
I would not have known how many people loved and valued her if it had not been for her memorial service. I thank God that we had one.
I do not take issue with the fact that you do not want to go to funerals, or memorial service. That is certainly your right. But please do not tell me, or anyone else in grief that funerals or memorial services are morally wrong.
Yes, they are for the living. They are for the living to honor the beloved dead. They are for the living to be comforted by how much their loved deceased were valued by people other than themselves.
Scotti is right–you do not have to have someone embalmed. Unfortunately, it is common practice with most funeral homes. When my father died, my sister requested that he not be embalmed. Unfortunately, they had begun the process immediately and her request came too late.
Although I agree with what everyone has said about the value of funerals, I agree with you about embalming, wolfman. It is a horrible thing to do to someone–or to someone’s body, depending on how you view it.
thank you scotti - he had 91 very good years, and he was ready to go…I think. I will probably see him again, or at least I will be in a place where his loss doesn’t hurt anymore. (((scotti)))
The last time I saw him may have been in his coffin, but it isn’t the overriding memory I have of my grandpa. I respect that for some it may be inappropriate to view the body (due to his/her illness), or it may be too morbid or scary, but I take umbrage at your assumption that my grandfather was laid out “like a buffet dinner.” I do realize this is meant to be a cerebral discussion, but rhetoric like that seems a tad tacky.
My nana was cremated, and my mother (nana’s daughter) and I were pretty upset about it. We respected her choice, but not being able to say goodbye to something besides a photo is difficult. And speaking to an urn isn’t quite the same, either.
Rationally, we all know that the body is not the person we knew and loved. But right after a death, who is truly rational? Needing to see the body is a natural extension of trying to get more time with the person you lost, however irrational it may seem.
Wolfman, I’m still confused about the “moral” opposition. I understand (I think) the fact that funerals don’t do anything for you, you don’t need them for closure, and thus you exercise your right not to attend.
But let’s just say that you and I are life-long friends. You know that I do like funerals. I feel strongly in favor of them. I devote some time and planning to make certain (as certain as I can be) that my own funeral will be the way I want it. When I pop off, does this mean you’re now morally obligated to attend, since the deceased person (me) is pro-funeral? Or not?
I hope that doesn’t sound snotty, I’m just trying to figure out where the line is between doing what you feel the most comfortable with, and doing what you think the deceased would have wanted.
This is a very interesting thread and I’ve enjoyed seeing the different ideas people have about funerals and mourning. It’s been amazing to see people share such personal and moving stories.
BTW, Wolfman-let me tell you that as a funeral director’s daughter, I HATE funerals.
But, I understand why people want them. As a lasting tribute to a person who’s gone. A final goodbye.
I highly recommend a wonderful book that should be mandatory for anyone with elderly parents or someone who is very ill, in the bad kind of way.
*Caring for your dead * by Lisa Carlson.
It gives you the run down on the entire funeral business and how it has been nearly revolutionized and restructured in the last 20 or so years. It gives state to state laws of what you have to do and what you can get away with, like transporting the body by yourself to the funeral home, or even your own home to take care of the dressing. Providing for the casket on your own rather than pay a couple of grand for something.
It is an outstanding reference. (I think it’s a 1993 or 1996 printing.)
I have always felt that if you prepared for your funereal like you do for your wedding, it would not be such a tragic event in life. It gives your survivors a sense of control and closure to do things the way you wanted, and if you research it right, a sense of control for you ( especially if you are terminal) and can help save a buck or two.
As for open caskets, I don’t mind them. I like to talk to whomever is in them like they were still with us. When my cousins 89 year old grandmother dropped dead suddenly, I was amazed how great she looked laying in the coffin. I told her so and how nicely her hair looked and what a fetching blue dress she had on. I thought she might like some good news that day b etween all the snuffling and boo hooing.
I was nine when my dad died. At my catholic school that I attended, if a parent or a sibling died, either your entire class or even the entire school would attend the funereal. Depending, I guess, on the importance of your family.
Because my dad died over the Christmas holidays, no one in my class or school attended the funereal. Except one classmate. Alice C. It’s been 25 years and I remember clear as a bell her blue coat with white fake fur trim on it. She attended by her self. I did not run in the same social circles as Alice and after my dad died, I shrank into a shell. Around senior year, one of the last days, I screwed up the courage to tell her thanks for attending my dad’s funeral all those years ago. She was slightly embarrassed and said, " My mom made me she said other kids would be there because your family was known and that I could sit with them. When I saw that no one else went I felt really bad for you at all the funereals we had to attend of the next several years. That must have been hard for you."
THAT is why you attend funereals.
My mom passed away 2months ago … I was out of town when it happened (she had been sick and I had seen her two days before, but it came on pretty suddenly).
The people who were caring for my mom (she died at home) arranged with the doctor for her to be left there until the next morning when I could get back into town … and for that I will always be indebted to them. Being able to see the physicallity that was my mom and to have a chance to say goodbye was really really important to me.
That having been said, we did not have a funeral for my mom as it was against what she wanted. She did not want to be dressed up and preserved and I respect her rights to that … but her brother came over to the house the night she died to say goodbye … as did her kids (my brothers) and her friends.
The wake was amazing though !! … a wonderful celebration of her life … all things considered, if I was to die (which I am trying very hard to oppose … I will keep you updated on my struggle - grin 26 years of success so far), I would prefer to have a wake like my mother had as opposed to a prepared funeral.