Funerals

Great Debates
1

Watching the newsshots of the pope’s funeral, and having attended a fair number of funerals on my own, I got to wondering. What is the human fascination with dead bodies? Why do we have this long, elaborate process of embalming them, laying them out so people can come look at them, then putting them in expensive boxes and burying them in fairly expensive property?

Part of it, I know, is encouraged by funeral homes. This is their bread and butter, after all. But isn’t it cheaper by scads to cremate the body and scatter the ashes, or keep them on the mantelpiece?

And I know about the “closure” thing. But frankly, having a good old-fashioned Irish-style wake for the person with a big photo of them looking good rather than their carcass looking dead seems to bring more closure to people. I’ve been to several funerals and two wakes, and the wakes were a helluva lot better for folks than the formal funeral services were.

Your thoughts?

2

I haven’t been to any Irish wakes where the family did not also have an open casket period of mourning (barring disfigurement by the cause of death).

Whether it is closure or something else, I suspect that the idea of actually confronting the dead body and realizing that this person is not coming back plays a large role in creating the initial services to deal with the body. After that, of course, all sorts of things come into play, from interest in an afterlife to “showing more respect (or showing respect better)” than the Joneses.

3

Yep, I’ve done the Irish wake thing as well (well, two of them, all on my paternal grandmother’s side…the rest of my family is from Québec), and there were open caskets. Afterwards, everyone really does have a party. And some of them really do get drunk. Fortunately, the body was back at the funeral home, and not at the place where the family convened after the viewing, or you’d probably have people sprawled over the deceased, weeping, after they got a few drinks in them. Instead the parties were pretty much stereotypical: Everybody makes merry and waxes nostalgic about the departed. At the first one, I was just a kid, this being not long after my mother passed away, which was a completely different memorial experience in terms of overall mood. I was just baffled. Somebody died, and these people were acting like it was the 4th of July! My Dad had to kind of talk me through it. The second was years later, and I must admit, I had a really good time. In both cases, the deceased was very old, lived a full life, etc. The whole affair was really a big send-off for someone who’s time had come to go. I do wonder if the “Irish Wake” is at all similar when one suffers an untimely death, especially if they are very young.

4

The full Irish funeral has the body laid out for the close family, and then the priest turns up (in our case drunk & in football kit) to do his business as the coffin is closed. This is the day before the funeral proper - the body lies in the church overnight. From then on, alcohol is the only consistent feature.

5

Actually, a “wake” in the traditional and anthropological sense requires that the body be there by definition: it’s a vigil in which friends and relatives watch over the deceased until burial, usually for a period of one to three days. We associate the wake with a boisterous party, but in other cultures the wake is often conducted in solemn manner we would associate with what we consider funerals.

6

Because we’ve formed strong attachments to our loved ones that don’t end with death. Aside from tradition there are probably psychological reasons behind funerals. When I arrived at the hospital the ambulance took my father to the doctor told me he had died. I didn’t think the doctor was lying but nevertheless it was important for me to see the body for myself.

I’m a pretty harsh critic of the funeral industry because I think they take advantage of people when they’re at their most vulnerable. It is cheaper by scads to cremate the body but funeral rites aren’t always about what’s logical or pratical. Why didn’t I just dispose of my father’s ashes in the backyard when it would have been cheaper then driving all the way to Colorado?

I can’t say that one way is good for everyone. I know for me I had to see the body of my father and that helped me accept that he was dead.

Marc

7

My mom died at 53 when I was 22. It was a long drawn out ordeal with bone cancer. She was very active and knew a ton of people. The wake was when people came out of the woodwork to see us, the family and pay their respects. It helped for me a lot to know all these people knew and loved her.

Dad died of a sudden heart attack the day after my 27th birthday when I was out of town. The wake proved to me “holy shit he’s really dead.” I was a wreck when this happened. I was my father’s son, he meant the world to me.

It really helped me to have all the people come by. At least for the first few days to realize this affects more than just me, other people give a shit too. Sharing grief really helps.

That and a hip flask. (We all grieve in our own ways.)

I’m still greatful to the funeral director. Years later I realize how slick he was, and made the process easier.

8

The whole funeral rigamarole is torture for someone like me.

I don’t particularly like parties. I don’t like to grieve in public. I’m lousy at small talk. And, at the most recent, I didn’t want to see my father’s dead body.

I am one of those people who just doesn’t “get it.” He died. I didn’t want to be dragged out into public view for other people’s benefit. I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. But that wasn’t possible. I had to put think about perfect strangers and their comfort. Bah.

9

I agree that in some cases it really does help you accept the fact that the person is gone. I had a friend who died in a car wreck while I was in grad school. His family had him cremated and scattered his ashes - just his parents. No funeral, no memorial service. It was really difficult to accept that he was gone - for months I would think I heard his voice just behind me - only, of course, it wasn’t him.

In other cases, I wish I hadn’t seen the body. I lost a friend a little while back and went to the viewing at a local funeral home. My friend was a large man - not all that much overweight, but very broad shouldered. I could not get over how uncomfortable he looked in the coffin - they must have used a shoehorn to get him in there. I really wish I hadn’t gone.

I have my wishes outlined - cremation, no viewing, memorial service if my husband wants one - hey, by then it’s not going to matter to me! But I will confess to the nagging fear that if there is a memorial service, no one would come.

10

Some people feel they have to “make up” with the deceased for past quarrels or neglect by having an elaborate funeral. Others feel that an expensive funeral demonstrates to all and sundry that the deceased was much loved. Then there are some who feel that it’s almost an insult to the deceased to try to save money on the funeral, and they don’t want to be embarassed by looking like a cheap-skate. Some funeral directors have been accused of manipulating people along these lines.

When my aunt died the January before last, I insisted on going with my grandmother to the funeral home to make the arrangements. I had read Jessica Mitford’s The American Way of Death, and was not about to let my family be taken advantage of at such a vulnerable moment.

There was no reason for me to be so vigillant, it turned out-- the director was very kind, and even suggested a few methods of cost savings. (Procedures which didn’t need to be done.)

11

Just put me in my boat and burn me up like a proper Viking.

Not all cultures bury their dead - some burn them.

12

My great-uncle likes to take pictures of people in their coffins. I’ll just be looking through his photo albums, happy as a clam, and bam, there’s a picture of a dead person! It’s a little bit weird.

13

I don’t wish to grieve in public either. It was incredibly difficult for me to sit through my uncle’s funeral last fall. And I’m glad that my folks decided long ago that their cremation and the handling of their bodies would be private (no service). That’s the way they want it.
I’m sure that a number of people will be surprised by this (“What? No funeral?!”), but they will just have to respect my parents’ wishes.

14

Clothahump, it’s not a HUMAN fascination with dead bodies, it is an aspect within some human cultures that is noticably absent from others.

Some cultures burn, some bury, some leave the dead to be devoured by vultures. Some embalm, some don’t, and some actively mutilate the body to prevent the spirit of the deceased from hanging around it.

Some cultures allow a short perod of grieving for the deceased, with anuual remembrances at the anniversary of their death or birth, others expect the family to be stoic, still others expect the family to cut their bodies and never mention the name of the dead person again.

Personally, I don’t think anything is wrong or right, just more or less suitable. Obviously, in a culture where all individuals hold similar beliefs about death, dying and bereavement, their traditional funeral forms will be more appropriate than anything imposed on them. However, in a western, multi-cultural society where everyone has different beliefs, I think it’s up to the family of the deceased (or the deceased themselves, if they made their wishes known) to decide the most appropriate thing to do, FOR THEM.

That is, after all, what a funeral is for, the nearest and dearest of the deceased. Just because you personally find the idea of an open coffin distasteful and feel flamboyant displays of grief are unnecessary, doesn’t mean that if a family chooses to do these things it makes them wrong. Most likely they’re choosing to follow traditions which make THEM feel most comfortable.

So, you have to see your friend’s body and it upsets you, but if it makes his wife and parents better able to handle their loss, who cares?

15

It’s a little unfair for an occupation to be painted with such a broad brush. I’m a mechanic so I’m a member of one of those professions that many people feel cheated by. To be fair I don’t blame them because there are plenty of mechanics who will take advantage of those who aren’t all that knowledgeable about their engine. I actually gave brief thought to going into the funeral business at one point but changed my mind because felt as though taking advantage of others was standard operating procedure.

I’m glad you were able to find a good director. As a whole though, I wouldn’t trust them any more then I would car salesman. Or a mechanic. :slight_smile:

Marc

16

I should probably note that my immediate family, with its mixture of cultures, tends to opt for fairly idiosyncratic funerals.

My parents have their wishes written into their wills. They both want simple pine boxes, with closed caskets. My dad wants a laying out in a funeral home, my mother wants to be buried as soon as possible. We’ll probably have 8 days of full mourning, but big wakes the night after the funerals. For my grandmother there will be a traditional Catholic funeral mass (she’s the only Catholic in the family) and a cremation, with a further, non-Catholic, service when we bury her ashes at her husband’s grave.

17

Very interesting responses. Thanks, everyone.

18

I will be cremated and my cremated remains will be put in a columburium (I think that’s how it’s spelled) at my church. I do want a full on Episcopal, buried from the church funeral. If somebody wants to arrange a visitation thing the day before or day of the service fine with me. However, I do want people to get together after the services and eat, drink, laugh and remember me with a big party. I’ve really like every one of those that I have attended. What a great way it is to remember and celebrate the dearly departed.

All my wishes as to the type of service, music etc. is already spelled out in writing. I decided a few years back that it would make it easier on family, friends and so on if I put a little work into this myself. That way, all they have to do is plan the party. Planning a party is so much more fun than planning a funeral service. :smiley:

19

Okay, as most of you know by now, I am the daughter of a mortician. So I’ve got to speak up for funeral directors.
On the whole, the funeral industry does get a bad rap-most funeral directors I’ve known have been honorable, decent sorts. It’s not an easy job-I’d say embalming the body is the least of it. You’ve got to deal with other peoples’ grief, and you see tragedy up close and personal. My father (who is now in charge of a fairly new funeral home right in our community.) has had to give a funeral for a two year old beaten to death by his mother-who was escorted to the service in shackels. He’s done the funeral for a little girl killed when a faulty playground slide collapsed. He worked for a family in our church when their nineteen-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. And one famous case around here was a man shot in the middle of a custody dispute. You have to see grieving, day in, and day out. Not a lot of people can deal with that.

And yeah, there’s a LOT of grifting going on. My dad personally has returned checks and kickbacks. The most he’ll get is a small thank you gift (a bottle of homemade wine, a small statue of the Virgin Mary, etc), or he’ll bring home the flowers that no one wanted. That’s it.

He’s known some damned crooked morticians, but most of them are good people.

20

I have left specific instructions to my next of kin as to what to do in the event of my demise. They should tell the authorities that my body is just an empty shell, and it should be disposed of as they see fit. The Kilingons have the right idea.