Two and a bit year engagement. We didn’t have enough money to be married more quickly, and we did take it very, very seriously.
I do think the promise, if made sincerely, changes the way you react to each other, and how family and friends treat you. I found that once we were engaged, we started really building our plans around each other, because we knew that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. There’s a permanence not implied by dating.
Any engagement over 3 months, is silly, and an excuse for something else. Once you decide/agree to get married, do it. Any engagement over 3 months is full of ulterior motives.
Thank you, Susanann, I would still be living in ignorance and ulterior motives if it weren’t for your COMPLETELY ARBITRARY NUMBER.
Yes, racinchikki, I was just composing a response to tell Susanann how much I appreciate being told that my important decisions involving my personal life were silly. How foolish my husband and I were, living our lives the way we wanted.
OK Susanann please tell me how I’m supposed to cram in 4 teenagers, 2 adults, 4 dogs and 7 vehicles at either of mine or Sweety’s homes to satisfy your 3-month limit?
I guess it’s too much to ask for us to have the time to properly remodel before moving in together.
I hope you were being facetious.
Here’s my thing:
I feel very strongly that both engagement and marriage are not only stages in relationships, but stages in life. I may feel happy and secure enough in my relationship to know that I want to be with my SO forever, but that does not, to me, mean that I feel ready to be married. I live at home with my parents, I’m an undergrad at university, I’ve never had to run a household on my own. In that way, I see a long engagement as a way of letting your life catch up with your relationship, if that’s necessary.
And, really, what does it matter? If someone plans on being with someone forever, does it truly matter if they get married in 3 months or three years?
Have you read any of the responses to this thread, Susanann? Might want to try that before you pass judgment on those of us who can’t meet your arbitrary number and must, according to you anyway, be full of ulterior motives.
Better yet, how’s about you solve my IRS issue, the one my darling sweet religious ex-husband slapped on me (thus violating our divorce decree btw) – that way I might be able to meet my wished-for and hoped-for wedding date of October 10.
Please, knock yourself out.
Funny, from B and my experienced planning a wedding, which mostly come from looking at the amount of work it took her friend Kirby to do the same (and we’d be having a bigger wedding), I’d think the chances that it’d take more than three months to organize might be higher than the chances of finding an intact snowball in Hell.
Of course, Susanann, I bow to your obviously superior knowledge of all things, everywhere.
The name of this topic is:
“Anyone else think that long engagements are silly?”
We are being asked for our opinions.
I answered.
I think long engagements are just plain silly and serve no purpose. That is my opinion.
You 2 either decided to get married, or you didnt.
If you both decided, then what is the hold up?
Sorry about giving a 3 month time period, but in my area, it can take up to 3 months to book a good band, and get enough rooms for out of state guests to attend the wedding.
Of course, even 3 months is a very/extremely long time - 3 months is only if you want a big wedding with lots of guests, and need up to 3 months to get a band and everything. If you dont need 3 months to get a dress and hall, then why should it take 3 months? why should it take 3 weeks even?
For the average person, 3 months is way too long for any engagement. Once you 2 both decide that you both want to be married to each other for life, regardless of sickness or health, etc, then go to Las Vegas and get it done. I think the waiting period in Las vegas is considerably under 3 months.
Um, did you read any of the above circumstances which spelled out in plain English what the hold up is?
In a perfect world, Susanann. In a perfect world.
There is no “permanence” in being “engaged”.
It is like “deciding” to buy a house but not/never actually purchasing it.
It is like buying a cemetary plot (not knowing that someone else may decide to bury you somewheres else regardless of what plot you bought).
What is the difference between 3 months and 3 years? Well, it definitely means that you will lose 33 months of marraige to each other-- it could be 3 children who were never born. It could be never being married at all if one of you die within the next 2 years. When you are both old, or if one of you is on a death bed, an extra/additional 33 months of marraige could mean so much more, so much more happiness.
Once both of you officially decide you must be married to each other, then it is all “paperwork” after that, it is only paperwork after that. Being engaged imposes many limitations while providing absolutely no benefits.
Yeah, I read them all, they all seem to fit.
Those who dont want to get married, or who are not ready, or who have other reasons for not wanting to be married, postpone marriage(or samething: go for a long engagement).
(e.g. I cant imagine anyone postponing marraige until after a house is remodeled)
Sure, no problem, what is the irs issue? an ulterior motive? I never heard of the irs stopping someone from getting married. The irs does not have any power to delay your marriage.
I don’t really think that being together but not married for the next couple years is going to be that much different from being married, for Gunslinger and I. We do not want children, so your “three children never born” is right out the window immediately. What is the difference to us? We wear each others’ rings; most of the time we are assumed to be married, as he wears a ring as well. We are a unified critter, A Couple - not inseparable, but assumed to be together. We are a “we,” not a “he” and a “me.” We are looking at houses. We are debating a “real wedding” with both our families vs. a broom-jumping at the JOP.
It is easier for us to be unmarried at the moment simply out of respect for our parents, who believe us too young to commit on such a level. We could rush through it right now, of course, and the parents would have to come to terms with it. But we don’t want to alienate anybody, and so we are proving our seriousness about each other by not getting married right away.
You see that, there?
If we ran off and got married tomorrow, we would be thought of as “too impulsive.” It would be assumed that we did not think it through. It would be seen as a bad thing.
But if we wait like we are planning to, we will apparently be thought of as “not committed enough.” It is assumed that we don’t really want to be married. This, too, would be seen as a bad thing.
We know we’re going to be married in the end. We consider ourselves as good as married now. We really do not give a shit about anything else, when you get right down to it. It’s just get married now vs. get married later, and we’ve chosen (b) out of respect for our parents.
Do you understand this?
PS. I hate that “well this is IMHO and that is my opinion” crap - as though it’s not equally legitimate for us to OPPOSE your opinion by voicing OUR opinions. But I don’t hate it enough to really care that much.
Because someone didn’t marry, they missed the opportunity to have 3 children within 33 months, and happiness from a long life together that only marriage can provide? I didn’t realise I was missing out on so much. 
I got engaged about 18 years ago. After starting to make wedding plans, I decided not to get married because I realised it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I didn’t believe in it for me, and I still don’t. Ditto for parenthood…it just doesn’t interest me. I’m still with the same man after 25 1/2 years and I still wear the engagement ring simply because it’s a really beautiful gift he bought for me. I don’t think we missed out on anything by not getting married. We’re still the same two people who fell in love and who still adore and respect each other. In retrospect, I suppose I shouldn’t have gotten engaged in the first place because as I was growing up I never really considered marriage as important or even as a goal in my life. I kind of did it because it was expected and that’s what people have always done. My engagement probably sounds like a bit of a farce to those who believe in the institution of marriage, but to each their own. If someone wants a long or short engagement, it’s up to them…it’s their life and their decision to make. Far be it for me to judge people based on how long they choose to stay engaged for.
As opposed to 33 months of being together and not being married? What makes marriage so much happier than living in sin? Do you get free fun stuff upon marriage? Other than the wedding gifts; I can be just as happy without small appliances. True, we’ll be getting 33 months’ less usage out of our wedding gifts, but that just means they’ll last 33 months longer and be more high-tech when we get them! 
Or a drive-through in Vegas by Elvis. 
I am just astounded that Susanann thinks that three months is enough time to find a band and find rooms for out-of-town guests. She doesn’t even mention finding a hall. I suppose that if by some miracle the hall, band, caterer, photographer, and officiant are all free on that arbitrary date, three months would be ample time to do all the planning and work that go into a large, traditional wedding…if the bride, groom, and half their families all took leaves of absence from work and devoted every waking hour to wedding business.
Two good friends became engaged in June, 2002, and set the date for May, 2003. Do you know that with that full eleven months head start, they were unable to find an available hall? Everything from hotel ballrooms to fire halls was booked. They ended up having a rented tent on a relative’s property- certainly not an option that every couple has. Clearly, Susanann you have not planned a wedding in quite some time.
Yes, this thread was asking for people to give their opinions. You choose to give yours in a demeaning and belittling manner. If you choose to insult people, don’t get defensive when when they feel insulted.
One question: as you clearly feel that engagements should limited to three months, do you also feel that all romantic relationships should a time limit? Is there a period in months or years when couples should either just get married or break up? And, if so, is that the course of action you would recommend to our young couples who are in college?
Let me spell out a couple of facts for you, and see if you understand the situation a little more clearly.
If you are married, the IRS considers your assets and your spouse’s assets to be the same.
So if I marry the future Mr. Contrary right now, as we would both dearly like to do, the IRS will look at his assets (which are his, I didn’t know him when he saved up his retirement funds, socked away money in his savings account, started his various IRAs and purchased his home) as mine.
Then, should my petition be denied (which as I said earlier I should find out by the end of July after over two years of waiting), and I have to go through an Offer in Compromise, the IRS would look at his assets as part of my assets.
Is the picture getting clearer for you now?
Most people do not realize that the IRS does this. And most people do not understand that the IRS is not bound by civil court decisions (read divorce decrees). So in my case, the IRS cares not one whit that my ex-husband volunteered to be responsible for the tax lien he created and then made sure I was excluded from his settlement.
Nope, the IRS is interested solely in me and my pitiful assets.
So to sum things up for you as simply as possible, I love the future Mr. Contrary, and IMO love means I look out for his best interests across the board. I would selfishly LOVE to be married to him right this moment. However, I will not ever put him in a situation where he must pay in any way for mistakes my ex-husband made. It’s bad enough that I’m having to pay for them.
We joke that we dare not go to Vegas until this mess is settled for fear we would have a drink or two, get all mushy (ok mushier than we already are) and say damn the consequences and get married any way.
I will do whatever it takes to protect my fiance. And if that means knowing that people like you judge me, then so be it.
If you can’t imagine that, I reckon you can’t imagine much. Are you suggesting that we force our children to sleep on the floor?
You really haven’t digested anything anyone has said to you here, Susanann. Either that or you are ignoring the truth. I have the urge to tell you some other things but they are better off for the Pit. I doubt I’ll be back to this thread.
Susanan, what experience do you have with long-term commitments? You sound like someone with all the opinions in the world but relatively little to place them on solid ground.