names are changed to protect the innocent…
one of my old uni mates used to be a real porn-mag fan - he held a subscription to a number of mags - they used to arrive to the house in nice discreet envelopes. We shall call him “Dave”.
At the time i was living with him and two other girls that we went to uni with. Aside from his strange reading habits - which he was perfectly open about - he was a nice enough guy and we all got on great.
So one august day one of the girls (who will be known as “Mel”) managed to persuade me to cut the grass in the garden so that she could work on her tan in the privacy of our fern rimmed garden without being perved at by sad desperate guys.
After i’d done the hard bit we both ended up out there (it was a truly gorgeous day) - her lying on a towel sunbathing and me sitting in a deck chair reading and trying desperately hard not to look down her bikini top.
i’d like to say i was doing this because i’m a decent guy and perving over one of my best friends was just something the thought of which appalled me. In reality though it was because i knew she would hurt me if i got caught.
Anyway, about two o’clock in the afternoon Dave finally rose from bed and decided to join us in the garden. He brough with him his first cuppa of the day and his newly arrived issue of “Men Only”.
Occasionally he’d pass comment on a girl he deemed particularly worthy and turn the mag round for our comments - it had become pretty much the standard (if slightly bizarre) routine by then - normally stuff like:
Dave: This one’s nice - Sarah from Nottingham.
Garius: Nice Legs. Very pretty. I like the way she’s washing that car - very original.
Mel: That soap will ruin her skin. Anyway I thought you didn’t like Ginger women…
or…
Dave: Hey! Take a look at Claire from Basingstoke. Now that is a nice pair of breasts.
Garius: Fake.
Dave: How do you know smart-arse??
Garius: Easy - look at the way she’s lying - see the shape they’ve kind of rested in? Mel was lying like that earlier and hers were completely diff…
WHACK
Anyway, towards the end of the mag he just stops and goes quiet suddenly…
D: Wow.
G: What?
D: Wow.
G: Show me…
G: WOW. I never thought cornflakes and milk could be sexy. And is that a birthmark on her thigh or a tattoo? whatever it is its gorgeous!
D: Well its official. “Lucy 19 into Fast Cars and Older Men” i officially love you.
G: I don’t blame you. Hey she’s from Haslemere - Mel aren’t you from haslemere?? Maybe you went to school with her! hahahahaha.
M: Very funny. Come on - show me what all the fuss is about then…
Suddenly she went bright red.
G: Um…you okay??
M: No! That can’t be! Thats my Cousin!
Of course we didn’t believe her. Eventually she went upstairs and got a photo to prove it. Sure enough - the shy, quiet, sweet little cousin that she had gone to a private girls-school school with was now doing some incredibly suggestive things with milk and a bowl of cornflakes.
We almost died with laughter. Mel - though she did giggle at it - was incredibly embarrased and refused point blank to ever ask her cousin about it - plus it must be kinda disturbing to picture your cousing that way every time you think about her. Lucy must have been popular with the other readers too - because she appeared semi-regularly after that (well…um…so i’am told…)
The best part was that about 5 months later the Lady Lucy herself visited us. Mel swore us to secrecy on pain of death.
It didn’t stop us filling the cupboards with boxes of cornflakes though and buying about 30 pints of milk. Which earnt us an amused look from Lucy (I think she guessed that we knew) and a serious sulk-attack from Mel.
All i can remember thinking is that she seemed shorter in person…