Anyone feel the same way, but are too shy to admit it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Face it. There are billions of people in the world that suffer from poverty and starvation. I’ve expirienced the misery that many poor people go through everyday (I’ve lived 18 years in the Dominican Republic).

Often, when I am driving in my car to go to someplace, I am approached by a mother struggling to feed her son’s or by a poor boy trying to buy a piece of bread. I won’t lie, I will give them money once every 20 approaches.

Not as a way of excusing myself, but more to point out an observation: I am not the only one that does this at all. I assure you that 90% of the time a visibly poor, and suffering person is denied money by more than 90% of the people he/she asks.

My main problem with this is that, most of the time I simply do not care to give my money to the poor. Ocassionaly I will see a person and feel bad for them, but most of the time, I do not feel sad for not helping out a person in need.

The problem with me is that, sometimes, I feel bad for NOT feeling bad about the other person. I am a person who has grown up in a wealthy family and have lacked nothing in terms or nececities, yet I do not help other people nearly as much as I should.

My question to you is, can you relate with my story? I see many people not giving money to people in need and not feeling bad about it. This makes me wonder about peoples overall altruism. I understand that people have ther own lives to live and cannot always worry about others, but still my concern for this issue remains. Are we that negligent to others that we allow people to die and not feel a bit bad about it?

2

This is a pretty hard philosophical problem and I have given it some thought over time. Almost everyone feels like you do to some degree. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any bleeding hearts in America, celebrities or otherwise, living in anything above a shack. There are different versions of the saying “Give until it hurts.” In my mind, that just means that we would be living in a world where everyone is hurting if that came true which is not good.

You also have to look past the individuals and at the systems and overall dynamics going on. Let’s say you live in a neighborhood with lots of stray cats and one looks especially pitiful and keeps walking by your place. You decide to feed him and he comes back every day. Pretty soon, there is another and another and you feed them as well. Pretty soon, your neighborhood is chock full of the fattest stray cats around and you are shelling out big bucks to feed them all and the population just keeps growing. This is a simplistic example but it is also firmly rooted in reality. Enabling an ongoing problem can prolong its existence make that problem worse.

The other problem which I struggle with but you probably don’t is more severe. Why should we feel any general commitment to our fellow humans at all? I don’t mean the opposite and that we should go out and commit genocide but why does it lean towards sacrifice at all? I love my dog more than the vast majority of people and I love my daughters more than the citizens of all other countries collectively. I do have sympathy and empathy but it is mainly based on individuals that strike a chord rather than any hard and fast rule. I would help a crash victim on an isolated road much more than I would ten homeless people in a city even though the former would take much more effort.

The discipline of sociobiology tells us that all of this nonsense is our gene’s way of telling us to help take care of our own over all others. Even within that, we are to prefer those that resemble us more than the others do. There may be no grand reason why we should sacrifice for the homeless guy on the corner rather than some unattractive mammal species.

3

No, you aren’t alone. I feel bad for each and every person that I see who appears to be suffering. But I do not have the resources to offer assistance to every single person who needs help. This means that I have to make a personal judgment before I hand out money. My limited resources place me in a position that I have no business holding- I cannot tell just by looking who is the neediest person. And yet I make judgment calls each day- we all do. For example: I do not smoke so, I find it difficult to relate to someone with a pack of smokes asking for a handout. In my line of reasoning, the money to buy the cigarettes could have been used to buy a burger. I do not have a drug habit, so I find it difficult to loan someone money for rent when I suspect it may be spent on more drugs. Smokers and recovering addicts will argue against me, and their decision to provide aid will be just as valid as mine. However, if I see a person who appears cold in winter, I do not care if they appear to be under the influence or smoking, I wish to help them. I hand out money or food on a case by case basis. And each time I feel as if I am supposed to be doing more, and for more people. There is little satisfaction in handing five dollars to a person who is obviously struggling.

Of those people that drive by: there are many people who feel that “every man for himself” applies. Take for example those people who rally against welfare. (I support welfare reform, but do not feel it should be abolished entirely.) One of the main arguments is this: “Why provide financial support for a woman who continues to have children she cannot pay for?” As a social worker, I see a flaw in this question: the observer is making the assumption that the fertile woman is of high enough intelligence to understand the repercussions of unprotected sex, and the choice to increase the size of her family. But a person who does not consider the intelligence or the upbringing of an impoverished mother may not be willing to hand money out to a person who appears to have a handful of children she cannot afford to care fo.

Ethics are subjective to each person’s experience, resources, and upbringing. (Maybe a poll would help- if you choose not to help a needy person, why?)

4

My giving habits change a lot depending on a host of factors but it general, my desire to give far exceeds my ability to give.

Only one thing I will say, if you are asked and you will not give, make eye contact and tell the person you will not give. Acknowledge their humanity at least. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are for not giving, own up to it.

5

This is an interesting point and something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I do a lot of volunteer work. I care about people. Poverty makes me so angry I want to scream. And yet sometimes I will actually cross the street to avoid a homeless person asking for money. On the other hand, there are dudes I know around campus that I will deliberately prepare some change in advance to give to them.

I thought I had it figured out once… I decided that even though it’s pretty obvious that my 75 cents isn’t going to get the guy off his feet or anything… at least I’m making a human connection. And there’s this guy I really like who always says, “Can you spare any change, my good, good friend?” And whether you give him anything or not, he always says, “Have a nice day!” Just as friendly as can be. I really like that guy… and he knows my face and asks me questions about how school is going and everything.

On the other hand, I get really pissed when I feel like I’ve been guilted out of money. When my husband and I were in Chicago we had a lady help us find the right subway–we thought she was just being nice (naive I know)–but she guilted me out of $10. It’s not until after I give it away that I realize I was manipulated. It really makes me angry. I once had a guy open his solicitation for money with, “You’re not racist, are you?” As if, if I refused to give him money, that would make me a racist. I can’t stand that. And people who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” before they ask for money… getting you to stop making it harder to say no.

On the other hand, it feels wrong to ignore. I hate the guilt.

This is something I struggle with every day, and I just don’t know what the best thing is to do.

For what it’s worth, I go to school at a very wealthy university, but I am not wealthy myself. I’ve been one good relative away from being homeless myself. I really doubt I’ve ever been faced with the kind of poverty around the Dominican Republic. I really don’t KNOW what I would do in that situation. It’s like, there are too many people to help. Maybe you have to prioritize in order of most helpful action to least. If I spend my money on an education instead of giving it to homeless people, then maybe in the long run I could make a greater difference, a more profound, systemic difference than just pocket change every day.

Well you see I’ve rambled on and not really succeeded in answering you. If anyone has a solution, I’d love to hear it. :slight_smile:

6

Oh, shoot, I almost forgot to mention what my husband does. Whenever he’s solicited in the street for money, he makes a mental note. When he gets home, he puts some money aside. Eventually when the money has all added to a nice amount, he donates it to a cause he really cares about. Just an idea.

7

Maybe you can alleviate some of your internal tension by finding a reputable charitable orginization and giving your time/money and work to it? That way you can truthfully say you are giving to the needy, in a safe way? While it may be that you can’t help everyone, you can help some. Consider it ripples in the pond, and choosing wisely how you are going to make them. :wink:

8

I had an interesting experience with a panhandler that gave me some insight into the situation that has stayed with me. When I was around 20, a kid that looked younger than me asked me for money in Greenwich Village. I told him that, instead of giving him money, I’d buy him a meal. He took me up on it, then invited me to hang out with him and his friends.

They were a bunch of kids, really, in their late teens and early twenties. Some were just slumming for a good time away from home in the big city for a summer; some were fleeing abusive homes, had various hard luck stories. They were all living in a squat near Tompkins Square Park in Alphabet City. They lowered a detached metal staircase for us to get up into the abandoned apartment. They told me they didn’t actually need money for food, that the dumpster diving + charitable organizations kept them quite well-fed. I was flat-out told they spent their money on pot and liquor (no hard drugs were allowed in that squat, they said).

In thanks for being nice enough to feed that kid, they proceeded to get me quite intoxicated. I didn’t sleep in the squat because it was too gross for me, but they offered. I wondered what they would do in the winter, since the squat had no doors or windows. I bet most of them would go back home, or settle for a more conventional life with jobs and apartments. I could be wrong, though. There was definitely a party/summer camp type atmosphere there.

Due to this, I will offer to buy people food or a cup of coffee, but I rarely give actual cash. I’m not going to pay for people to buy 40s or what have you. That’s just my $0.02.

9

I don’t directly give to the homeless, but do make efforts when I can to contribute to charity organizations that do food and clothing drives. Part of the reason why I don’t give in person is because there are so few visible homeless in my area, and the few that I see want to sell me a newspaper that I already have a copy of. (The other problem is that I rarely have change or real money on me. I’d rather not lend my help via the use of my credit/debit cards.)

I’m working towards having a career that will make a difference in the community I settle down in. In some way, this helps me negate any guilt I have for not giving more help to the homeless. (Well, that and only having recently graduated from school helps. You can’t help others when you’re barely afloat yourself.)

10

I like giving to people in need, but I also want it to help them, and a lot of the time I don’t think giving cash to beggars does them any good. I don’t have any interest in buying them a bottle or drugs. I also don’t like being lied to, like some who will stand in the parking lot of the liquor store and try to claim they need bus fare, food, medicine for Tiny Tim, gas money, etc.

I’m starting to fantasize about going off on some panhandler one day, to be honest, and ranting at them about getting a job and some self-respect, blah, blah, blah. Just yesterday in traffic some tiny blonde child was sent out with a plastic bucket telling a tale of woe about a house fire, and it was all I could do not to get out of the car and bawl out her mother(if the bitch standing on the curb was her mother) about putting her kid in danger from passing cars, and teaching her to beg, and telling her that there were at least three dozen agencies that would help her if she had actually had a house fire and that I didn’t believe a word of it, and that I was going to call DFCS if I saw her kid begging again. But I didn’t, because that wouldn’t have helped either.

Mostly I give to charities instead of people on the street, these days.

11

I am faced with this dilemma every day - by the same half dozen guys or so. Part of city life is the squeegie culture: stop at a red light and someone runs out and squeegies your car window and asks for money. In my first few weeks here, I gave if I had anything I could access quickly, but the fact is, I live one street away from a “popular” corner, and I pretty much stop at that light every single day. So I’ve stopped. I just can’t afford to pay them daily, or even weekly, and I feel bad about it, but what can I do? I feel bad for them, but I’ve also seen pretty much all of them buying drugs off this one guy at one time or another. Actually, that makes me less likely to want to give, especially since this street corner is right in front of an elementary school (really, you’d think they could go to an alley to do the trade, you know?) I just wave them off, and most of the time they don’t try and wash my window. I recognize them… I wonder if they recognize me, now?

I would, however, pay them if they decided to offer to shovel my car out of the snow after large snowfall (such as yesterday’s). Maybe I should tell them one day?

(off-topic: plows are outside right now piling up the snow from the street for the “vacuum” to come by! Noisy, but cool… these drivers are very quick and efficient)

12

Next time, call the police and report a child begging in the street. Public service officers don’t just write tickets- they can check up on the welfare of a child and provide information about exactly where to go to seek financial or medical aid. Police officers can arrange for transport to a social services office or a shelter. You are right, an adult has no business putting a child in that kind of danger, or teaching panhandling. But the child is faultless, and may be hungry, cold, tired, or frightened. It isn’t your job to stop and provide income or career counseling for a beggar, but you can sure contact someone whose job is to provide public safety.

Giving to charities is probably the best idea, as the staff of those charities are trained to provide the right kind of help for each struggling individual. It is too hard to guess whether or not cash to an individual will be put to the best use.

13

Good advice. I’ll try to remember it. I was just too shocked and outraged to think. :mad:

14

You don’t have to tell me what that feels like. I meet at least one parent every week that I would like to shake. And at least one child I wish I could take away and give to a deserving parent. The longer I work in this field, the more jaded and disgusted I feel, instead of more charitable. But these opportunities to commiserate keep me hopeful.

15

Don’t give money. Don’t feel bad about it.

Rationale: I work for my money, and would never expect anyone to give me something for nothing. It’s rude of them to even ask (and I get asked A LOT).

16

There are some situations that are simply beyond there control, especially in 3rd world countries like the DR.

That rationale does’nt always sustatin itself in all situations.

It’s not that easy.

17

If some unfortunate accident, terrible mistake, or natural disaster caused you to lose your money, your home, and your groceries, I would give you some money. Heck, if you realized you forgot your wallet at the toll and didn’t have any change in your Hummer, I would give you some money.

18

Honestly, I’d take it and I’d appreciate it but I wouldn’t expect it or specifically ask for it. And if I was in truly dire straits I would ask for the things I need but I would always offer to do something in return. (for example, finding a place to get food and/or shelter in exchange for work. But I’d never just go asking people for money)

19

I started offering to buy a meal to the panhandlers who herd around my office building.

Oddly, not a single one of the “starving” people have ever taken me up on the offer. It’s cash or nothing.

When the conversation goes:

Panhandler: “Spare some change for food”
Me: “I’m getting myself some lunch, come with me and I’ll buy you some, too.”
Panhandler: “I just want some money for food”
Me: “I never carry cash. If you’re hungry, I’ll buy you some lunch, but I don’t have cash.”
Panhandler: Turns to the next person on the sidewalk “Spare some change for food”

a girl can be reasonably secure in the knowledge that they don’t want the money for food. I won’t pay to support their habit, sorry.

I’m secure in my giving habits - I donate what I can afford (not much since my husband’s been out of work for more than a year), but I won’t give out cash to panhandlers.

20

Heh, this reminds me of a time when I happened to have a bag with a bunch of snacks in it and was walking around downtown… I offered many of them to the panhandlers.

About half of them simply refused and would ask me if I had any money or cigarettes instead.

Another quarter of them took them, but begrudgingly, and still asked me if I had any money or cigarettes.

Only the last quarter actually accepted the snacks and thanked me.