And I didn’t even mention the borderline incest in this family… Single, divorced aunt marries new random guy. Single aunt has a 20 year old daughter. Daughter begins sleeping with new stepdad’s meth-addicted son, while they’re ALL living under the same roof. Daughter gets pregnant, abusive meth-head refuses to be a father and leaves her… yet he still shows up at Christmas gatherings years later. AWKWARD!!
This whole side of the family just creeps me the f*ck out.
Ugh, I was married to the OP’s wife. (not really but you get the jist.)
I realized it was over when we went to counseling. I wasn’t with out my faults. When the councilor called me on my bull shit; I thought long and hard about it and made serious changes.
When the counselor caller her on her bull shit; “Obviously” the counselor is a quack and doesn’t know what she’s talking about. :rolleyes:
I’m embarrassed I let her hold me hostage to emotional black mail. Just like the OP, I too let her use me as a doormat just so I wouldn’t have to deal with her anger.
Talk about life lessons learned.
Never again!
The idea that “being an adult is not having to do things you don’t want to do” is exactly the opposite of what I conceive of adulthood. Adulthood is all about doing things you don’t want to do. That’s what makes you an adult.
LOL how ironic!!! My wife HATES our old counselor, and bad-mouths her every time the topic is mentioned.
I’ll never forget last few sessions we attended. After going together for 20-plus sessions, the counselor wanted to have a couple of individual meetings. In my meeting, she basically said “Look… She might not change, and you’ll probably either have to deal w/ it or leave…”
Good times!!
This, I think, is a really good point.
I do agree that it sounds like OP has marital issues that go much deeper than this, but none of us know enough about that situation to advise him properly. In this situation, suck it up and go.
I’m a victim of incest, and even I think you are way overreacting here. It’s not like his kids are being molested at the family Christmas party, for fuck’s sake. Focus your energy on corralling the kids, don’t talk to Uncle Howard, and be thankful that you won’t have to take any of their shit for the next 364 days.
The OP totally can “grow a pair” and stay home, but there are consequences of that choice (pissy wife, pissy in-laws) he is unwilling to deal with. So it would be prudent to stop advising he do that.
This is so true. Do I want to get up at 6am every day and commute 45 miles each way to work?? NOPE. Do I want to pay hundreds of dollars worth of bills every month?? NOPE. Do I want to come home every day and bathe the kids, clean up the kitchen, make lunches and iron clothes for the next day?? NOPE.
I do it because I’m a responsible adult, and that’s what responsible adults do.
ARC31181- I feel your pain, man. Sometimes you just can’t effectively fight the crazy. In those cases, it’s true that it’s much easier to just lay low and hope for the best. The problem with that as a long-term strategy is that it eats your soul until there is absolutely no joy in your life. Don’t let it get to that stage. If it means leaving her, go. You owe it to yourself.
You say you want peace and happiness. I could be completely wrong, but somehow I doubt you feel a lot of peace or happiness when you have to stifle yourself to avoid arguments.
Good luck from a man who is working on leaving so I don’t completely lose myself.
If that was unequivocally true you wouldn’t be here asking for advice.
Sounds like you’ve settled for just peace. It might be possible to have happiness along with that, but only after an uncomfortable period of adjustment that involves earnest discussions with your wife about how you two interact with each other in your daily lives. It also assumes that she’s willing to do some self-examination and work with you toward a relationship that better meets both her needs and your needs.
You speak of “being punished” by your wife if you flatly refuse to go. Punishment is something that authority figures (e.g. parents, courts) do to people over whom they have authority. When one spouse deliberately inflicts suffering on another, it’s not punishment[sup]*[/sup] - it’s revenge, and it’s the domain of the immature.
You also speak of “staying in it for the kids.” Keep in mind you and your wife are role models for how to behave in a marriage, and your kids are learning from both of you: the woman always gets her way, and the man shuts up and goes along or suffers her wrath. Think carefully about whether you want your kids to grow up and end up in marriages just like yours.
[sub]*unless you’re in a BDSM relationship.[/sub]
Of course - understand completely AND it goes both ways. There are some things that Mr. Athena feels strongly about that I disagree with and really don’t want to do/talk about/whatever, but I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and just let him have his way. And there’s plenty of things that he shuts up about that I do. It’s called “being married”, not “I have no balls.”
What about you? Are you generally happy? It’s not a happy marriage if she’s happy and you’re miserable.
I understand perfectly that it’s easier to just “go along with it”. I also understand that if your wife is an angry,demanding woman who is not satisfied unless everything goes her way , you are unlikely to be happy and will end up like my sister’s husband who has been miserable and awaiting my niece’s 18th birthday since her first one. Not only is your marriage an example for your kids - my niece and nephew don’t really respect their father as he tiptoes around trying to appease my sister.
You don’t have to go - nobody’s handcuffing you and locking you in a trunk. But it makes your wife and her immediate family happy. So I’d advise you to suck it up and get through it. And the next time it’s your turn in the blessings circle, you can thank God for the fact you only have to spend one day a year with these people.
Loving spouses don’t force their partners to do something they absolutely detest year after year.
Loving spouses don’t bully their partners with explosive anger and emotional abuse to get their way in every disagreement.
Loving spouses don’t make threats or ultimatums about the future harmony of the family.
Just sayin’.
I think this is an interesting take on that. I do all those things too. But I don’t do them because I’m a responsible adult and that’s what they do, I do them because I want the results. I make a choice to do those things because I want a pay check. I want electricity and Internet. I want a clean house, neat clothes and healthy meals.
Maybe consider that instead of feeling forced to do things, you could feel like you are choosing to do things and that might make you feel less helpless and more positive. Right now, instead of being forced to attend these Family Craptaculars, you are choosing to attend (to please your wife, to help with your kids, to avoid hearing your wife bitching at you, whatever). Then you won’t feel as helpless if you mentally frame it that way. Plus it opens up the possibility in your mind that you can always choose differently next time if you want to.
I know sometimes choices are between a shitty option or a shittier option, but you’ll feel much stronger and empowered if you stop framing things in a ‘ball-less’ (for lack of a better description) way and starting thinking of them in an adult way where you do have some control over your life.
Good luck, I do empathise with you over the in-law issue!
You missed your opportunity, as you were parting this year, to announce loudly for all to hear, “Just so you all know, this is the last year I come if the other husbands aren’t going to be here too! Sorry, I know, but that’s how it’s going to be! Get the other husbands here or count me out!”
Now it’s on them and you laid down the law somewhere that your wife couldn’t throw a fit about it. Sure, it will be an unpleasant ride home, but don’t engage. Let her rage. You have a whole year for her to forget it, before you need to act. Then you get to remind her that you meant what you said, and that’s the end of it for you. It’s non negotiable, sorry. Again let her rage, do not engage.