Anyone have "easy" kids? Perfect parents?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Our kids were quite easy. One is the shy withdrawn type the other is more adventurous, e.g., climbing Denali. Despite the differences, they didn’t cause much problems. Sure one had to be taken to the doctor to get patched up more but nothing big.

When they got to high school they realized we were a very abnormal family compared to their friends’ families. No fighting, no divorce, no drinking or drugs. Just a normal life. We took them to things they wanted to do. Showed up at (and coached) soccer games. Stuff like that.

They have repeatedly mentioned what wonderful childhoods they had.

One of them now has two FtGkidlets. And they are applying much the same approach. Hoping it continues to the next generation.

BTW. both of us had less-than-fun childhoods. MrsFtG more so. We really wanted that stuff to stop.

22

My daughter got a little rebellious at about 13 or 14 but that passed quickly, and then when she was in the 11th grade, she got caught ditching school a few times and writing her own notes. My son was the perfect kid, never got in any kind of trouble, straight a’s in school active in sports. $7 now and he is still the same. sometimes I wish he were a little more rebellious. He was bad about cleaning his room but I let that slide for the most part.

23

My parents raised 5 kids that never got into trouble, never had a serious beef with them or each other. I don’t have kids. My brother had 3 boys. one sadly committed suicide at 19 and in the military. The army’s med group had him on different drugs for depression and other issues, then decided to take him off all his meds. He quickly (days) spiraled downward and jumped out of a car his brother was driving on the interstate. He gave his brother a ring that had been passed down from my father to my brother to him, said “take care of this” and threw himself from the car. Devastating. His surviving brothers are doing fine.

My eldest sister has one child. My sister was an easy-going child that did well in school. Her daughter was a similarly easy child, straight-A student, good scholarship to an engineering college, graduated with a job making more than I ever made. That daughter now has 3 kids. The 9 and 6 year olds are in Chinese-language immersion school, and getting good grades. No problems there. The toddler is precocious and cute and learning Chinese from her siblings. They all love to read, but don’t get much screen time. Dinners are generally home-cooked and eaten as a family around a dinner table. Of course, the teen years are coming.

My sisters the twins were never go-getters, and ended up having children that were equally slackadaisical. None have been in trouble, but also haven’t really done anything else, either. Jobs that get them nominally above water.

I would say in my family, the kids seem to have sort of mirrored the parents.

StG

24

I suspect that parents who feel their kids were easy just weren’t paying attention!

But reality is more like the above bits.

Stella Chase did the landmark work: minimally parent’s perceptions of their kid’s temperaments are remarkably stable from early childhood into adulthood. Of course some are more … spirited … than others.

We parents though have much less impact than we often think. Peers have more. But mostly they are what they are.

I am thrilled my kids grew up to be sturdy adults. But they get the credit more than we do.

As loving parents we worry about every single decision we make and every challenge our kids have. But the essence of the job is to enjoy them, love them, support them for who they are, and provide some basic consistent structure. Really they will usually be fine despite us and all the “mistakes” we each make. Okay, and keep them alive. That’s a big one.

25

What a pleasure it is to brag about my kids. They were all wonderful from day 1. When people asked what we did raising them, our answer was “benign neglect”. #2 was slightly rambunctious and when we went for the first parent conference with his kindergarten teacher, she told us that a neighbour had warned her that he was a holy terror and to watch out for him. So she did and told us that he was so quiet in class she wondered if he was slightly retarded. Actually I think he was inhibited by the French immersion. Later he finished first in his HS class.

#1 was a pleasure and never gave us the least problem. She finished second in her HS class. #3 was equally a pleasure and finished first in his HS class.

They are now in their 50s with wonderful families of their own. No divorces and no real dramas. #2 actually spent the month of February with us and goes home tomorrow.

I just wanted to say something about homework. When I was growing up, it was my responsibility and we treated our kids likewise. #2 did his homework the minute he got home, “So nobody would bug me about it.” The others did it on their own. We never bugged them about it, and they did it entirely on their own with no input from us. With one exception. When #2 was in college he sent an email asking about one linear algebra question he was having trouble with. I answered him and he turned it in, noting (in accordance with Princeton’s honor code) that he had gotten help from his father.

Did I brag too much? Definitely.

26

My mother was damn near a perfect mother. My Dad, on the other hand was an abusive hothead who would absolutely his mind when angry.

27

… are YOU angry now?

... a (probably) ill advised atempt of (friendly) ribbing
28

I sometimes think of some of the things my father did and get very angry, yes. And I have occasional nightmares about him.

29

My daughter always says we were perfect parents. She wasn’t very difficult, either, and was happy to do things we requested of her. And she wasn’t demanding of anything.

30

My mother swears up and down that my older brother and I were remarkably easy to raise. He was a star athlete and driven to academic excellence, and he was/is a kind, friendly, decent, good human being. I was neither a star athlete nor driven to academic excellence – my failures to live up to my “potential” were a source of much consternation. I simply gave no fucks about school and got by with Cs and Ds without cracking a book just by being innately intelligent and able to grok most of what was thrown at me (except for math). But in the main, Mom had no complaints.

My younger brother was an absolute hellion. He grew out of it at about age, oh, 25 or so.

31

You understand I hope that many parents would not consider a child who “simply gave no fucks about school and got by with Cs and Ds” as being “remarkably easy to raise”; many would drive themselves insane trying to get the kid to give a few fucks, to care about learning if not care about getting the grades they were capable of.

Not saying one attitude is better or worse; just that one parent’s “easy” is another’s nightmare.

32

I can’t define perfect parents. But I loved my parents more than myself. They cared about me and my sisters. When I would be sick I didn’t worry because my mother, a nurse, would care for me. They worked hard and set an example. They taught me how to do things, like budgeting, by giving me an allowance. They wanted us to work hard in school, but as long as we were trying our best there was no undue pressure. We went to church and Sunday school but it was simply what was done, and not oppressive. My father was very clever in using reverse psychology, as I realized later. We were not beaten. Well, I was spanked twice in all my childhood but I remember the reasons for both and deserved them. That time I carved out a large marshmallow and plugged it back up, after filling it with pepper, I gave it to my youngest sister. My parents set good examples is the best I can say. I feel so lucky to have had them and would give anything to have them back.

33

My kids are 10 and 9 right now. So we’re still behind the teenaged years and I’m bracing for them. But, so far, they’ve both been what I would call really easy to raise. My parenting style is fairly laissez-faire, as long as they’re doing well in school. They don’t need a lot of guidance. One kid is a straight-A student; the other is a straight-A-with-one-B student. I think the genetics of their parents was helpful here. They need very little oversight with homework, though I should probably have them reading more on their own. They spend way too much time playing on their iPads, but I also remember myself at that age and how much time I spent on the computer or TV and I turned out well, so I don’t bug them too much about it (they have very loose limits). I’m always amazed at how much they have learned without much parental intervention but, once again, I don’t have any memories of my parents ever helping me with homework – they were too busy working their blue collar jobs to have much time for that. I’m sure they would have helped if I asked, but outside of math, they couldn’t really help me too much as they were immigrants and didn’t speak English very well yet. So I just keep an eye on their performance, their test scores, and if they’re getting As and scoring somewhere in the high 80s/90s in their standardized tests, I leave them mostly alone. I do push here and there; my wife is slightly more hands-on, but not too much. Our parenting philosophies seem largely similar.

We’ll check back in about 5 years and see how it’s going.

34

Back when my daughter was just learning to crawl, so about eight months or so, my sister told me a trick she used with her children to keep them from touching things she didn’t want them to touch, but couldn’t be easily moved. It worked perfectly, and I thought I was a great father.

Two years later, my son is at the same stage of development and it completely failed. Same parently style, very different results, even at eight months old.

I think that’s really common. Fortunately, we found other things that worked better with him.

35

Some time ago, researchers found a cache of letters sent to child-raising guru Dr. Spock years earlier from parents who were desperate for help. Some of them were pretty intense. The researchers contacted some of the parents, who said they had no memory of writing the letters and that raising their child was easy and pleasant. No doubt a protective mechanism for the species

36

I have a standard line about the first two months of a new baby in the house: evolution has selected for amnesia of that time period or we’d all have just one child. Get them to smiling at you, past the evening gussies, and sleeping at least three hours, and it was always just fine.

37

Oh, yeah. First child has me tearing my non-existent hair out. Not so much that she was any more difficult, just that even though I know how much my life was about to be upended, I still wasn’t ready. Second kid I was more prepared. But I still consider both “easy” from my perspective. “Easy” is always relative. Plus it was more a “me” issue than her not being easy.

But, yeah, there is a period of about three or four years that is a blur.

38

I think the most stressful thing w/ our kids was that none of them was terribly socially adept/popular. 3 kids within 4 years. All were extremely good students, no major school discipline problems, we never had to pick them up in the hospital/police station. All graduated college - 2 w/ advanced degrees. No huge substance use issues. One is employed as a youth librarian, 1 as an aero engineer (and just had 2 novels accepted for publication), and another as a med tech project manager. All married, never divorced. Allergies, need glasses, but no monster health issues. So, in that respect, they were “easy.”

But first kid had the personality such that she thought there ought to be specific “rules,” and she would have stress w/ peers whom she felt broke the rules. She was quite accomplished in music, but her peers/instructors never selected her as section-leader, etc, causing her frustration. She had a succession of BFs whom we considered not great choices. Never had many friends. She pretty much rejected anything that would’ve made her popular - style, interest in pop music/culture, etc.

Second kid is on the spectrum - shallow end. Did not sleep through the night or potty train until quite late. Very difficult personality, tho crazy smart. Fortunately, he had one goofy best friend, and found 1 woman to marry. Not terribly happy as an adult.

Third is also crazy smart - but never had friends. In grade school, we had a birthday party and NO ONE showed up. But now she’s married, doing fine.

Kid 2 and 3 were always at each other. Instead of being each other’s wingmen at school, they would tear each other down. And with the 3 kids, it almost always seemed it was 2 against 1.

Kid 1 has our 2 grandkids. Kids 2-3 will never have kids.

So the end result was pretty good. Sure coulda been a lot worse. But it sure wasn’t an easy/happy route. I envied the parents whose kids were invited to all the birthday parties, and who were in various clubs and teams. The kids whose insouciant behavior drove my kids crazy (rightly or wrongly), causing meltdowns we had to deal with.

I readily admit my wife and I are not the happiest, most popular folk. So I’m sure we influenced our kids thru nature and nurture. But given who we are, I’m not sure how much different parents we COULD have been. We made plenty of mistakes, sure. But those mistakes were not made out of laziness, selfishness, etc. Hard to identify the cause/effect. I imagine I might have been a “better” parent had my kids been “easier” kids. But, to what extent did my actions/choices/personality influence my kids’ behaviors/personalities?

39

well, not really trying to reply … but here you go …

you mention one kid on the spectrum … that makes it highly probable that either you and/or your wife are on the spectrum, as well (relaying info an infant-psych gave me on one of our kids, who is also on the “shallow end” of the spectrum).

And while she said so, she looked me sternly into my greenish-brown eyes … and it dawned on me… :wink:

so, yeah … action-reaction and everything is a flow and everything impacts anything you do…

40

We have three children. Ages are now, 27, 26, and 22.

They have all turned out well, despite non-ideal parenting skills. Two have graduated from college, and one is about to. None have been arrested, and none have substance abuse issues. So I’m happy.