I wonder how many people secretly despise their kids?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’m reading this review of a newly edited version of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and it describes a protagonist frustrated and worn down by suburban family life.
This reminds of how whenever I call my brother and sister (who have five children between ages 1 and 8 between them) they never seem too happy. Frankly, they seem perpetually worn out. My brother in particular often sounds annoyed, and give how rarely it ever seems to be quiet in his house, I guess I could see that.

I couple this with other studies I’ve read that claim happiness in marriage goes down after children (although there are other studies indicating the opposite) and I wonder how many parents wish they could escape from their kids. More specifically, is it possible they like their kids as individuals, but hate raising them? I wonder how these attitudes vary between the sexes, as well. I suspect there is a difference, based on not much more than the approach my siblings have.

2

On the other hand, Spielberg did Close Enconters before he had any kids. I saw a recent interview by him saying that, as a father, there’s no way he could let Dreyfuss board the ship if he was making the movie now. He says he just can’t fathom a father voluntarily leaving his kids.

StG

3

I know several people who openly talk about wishing they never had kids, including my sister. She was a lousy parent, and her 2 kids, now in their 20s, are real assholes and one is already an alcoholic.

4

Guess he never met my father. Spielberg must not get out much. Fathers (and mothers) who split for greener pastures are hardly unheard of, although with much better child support enforcement I think it’s harder to get away with it these days.

5

I have moments, sure. When I’m trying to get dinner finished and it’s running late and I’m tired and aggravated and the rolls burn and the sauce is boiling over and the phone rings and my husband’s yelling at me for not having things done on time and my daughter’s screeching and my son comes in and tells me that he has a science project due the next morning -

yeah. Calgon take me away. Of course, these moments are far outnumbered by the times when I actually like my husband and kids. But anyone who says they *always * adore their family is just a big fat liar. Or maybe they have a housekeeper, cook and tutor.

6

I remember one of the Lederer sisters (Ann Landers or Dear Abby) asked her readership with children: knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time and do it over again, would you have children?

The result was surprisingly negative, something like three quarters saying they would not.

It must be noted that such a sampling was self-selected. I think also many people in the throes of all the difficulties of raising children may feel better about the cost/benefit analysis after the children have been raised.

7

Anecdote: My mother hated me during my teenage years. As kids go, I wasn’t too bad. Wasn’t into drugs, extraneous drinking (once every few months, only at a friend’s place down the road) or massively sleeping around with every boy (had one boyfriend). I was just rebellious regarding school, didn’t want to go. But that led to some screamers, where she told me repeatedly that I was a mistake and that she hated me.

8

OK, I’ll step out and admit that I like my kids. I find family life pleasant and (mostly) relaxing. I enjoy, on the whole, being a mom.

Not to say that being a mom isn’t hard work and I don’t ever want to jump out the window! Having some quiet time is necessary for sanity, and a weekly date with my husband also goes a long way towards keeping me a happy mom (I don’t get one tonight, our babysitter is in LA. Boo.)

For me, the hard part is all the running around and scheduling. Between preschool co-op, school, music lessons, kung fu, and a zillion friends to keep up with, plus my own work calling me up hoping I’ll be able to come in (I’m a substitute librarian)–I find that kind of exhausting. I enjoy all those things and don’t want to give them up, but sometimes I just want to stay home for a week and do nothing but bake cookies and read stories out loud.

My kids themselves I mostly like quite a lot. They’re cute and snuggly, they do amusing things, and they wear the clothes I sew for them. Now that the older one is 7, she’s getting really quite helpful, which is great. But in order to get nice, enjoyable kids, you have to invest a lot in teaching them manners, helpfulness, and civilized behavior, not to mention being a loving, dependable, trustworthy adult all the time. And IME you have to severely limit media exposure–too much TV makes kids grumpy, irritable, whiny, and unimaginative.

But yeah, I’d have my kids again. If I could have done, I would have liked to have one or two more. And edit: we are very happy in our marriage.

9

It is not the kids that I despise. I don’t despise a whole lot of things, anyway.

For me, it is lost opportunities. Yes, I wanted kids. I love my kids. But when I think of the money spent (and they are worth it) and the things I could have done with it (travel, school, charity)…I have regrets. Usually this takes the form of just regretting I don’t make more money, but sometimes… Take this spring break coming up. I’d really like to travel–go see Norway or Scotland. Can’t afford to take the family, but one person could go. It won’t happen (and FTR, I have traveled alone to Europe when my kids were smaller, so I suppose I’ve had my chance).

Or the opportunity to take a drawing class. I’d love to–but I have a 4th grader who needs my supervision with homework. Some day I can do that drawing class, but not now.

So, it’s more regrets like that, not despising that I have at times.

10

I always love my kids, every minute of every day. Sometimes I don’t like them for a little, or I really don’t like the things they do. But if I had to do it again, I would, in a heartbeat. I’d change some of the things I did with and about them, and that would be to make things better for them, or get them better prepared, but I’d still have them, absolutely.

11

Like **Whynot **(who has the annoying habit of saying what I want to convey, only better), I have moments where I wish I was lifted off the face of the earth. But it only happens when all things go wrong, or when it seems as if every person on earth wanted a piece of me.

It is healthy to seek help (grandmas, babysitters, daycare), to take short (even a few hours) vacations from children and spouse and do something on your own. And don’t have more kids than you can cope with (one in my case).

12

I wonder how the numbers compare in societies that doesn’t place as much value on “peace and quiet” as we do.

Wow, he sounds like a great guy.

13

I couldn’t imagine not having my kids, and yet they’re getting so old that it’s not that is not that far off. Not a day goes by when one of them will do something that makes me want to hug and kiss them. Unfortunately they’re boys and don’t go in for that sort of thing. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t time I’ve wanted throttle them, but those times are few and far between.

14

My kid’s only 2, and I already think it’s going way too fast. The idea of living my life without her is completely unthinkable.

I guess it depends on the person, but even when she’s sick and miserable, I don’t despise or resent her in the slightest.

15

I can’t ever figure out precisely what my MIL thinks of her sons. She belittles and insults them, then acts all dramatic if they don’t visit.

In any case, one of my good friends from high school was essentially told by her mother that she was a horrific mistake and if she had it to do over she would have gotten an abortion. This friend was sincerely messed up. No big surprise there, huh?

16

Naw. I’ve never thought I wished I hadn’t had them. I’ve always loved them and there have been so very few moments when I haven’t particularly liked them.

They’re a good reason to get up and go to work, and a better reason to come home. They’re also 17 1/2 and 16 and so time is short. I dread the empty nest, it will go with the failed marriage. The upside is that I get to know they’re always there as my kids, out living their lives while I learn how to live mine.

Yep. Glad I’ve got em. :slight_smile:

Cartooniverse

17

I once worked with a woman who had five kids. And said she should have only had three kids. She never would say which three, but it seemed fairly obvious because the last two were twins.

I thought that was kinda sad.

18

I would think that most parents who hated their children would never admit it to themselves much less anyone else. I’m pretty certain mine resented the hell out of me, but there is such a serious taboo against expressing negative feelings about your children very few people would acknowledge it outwardly. It certainly comes out, though, in abuse and neglect.

But there is a big difference between hating your kids and being stressed/wishing parenting weren’t so difficult. I reckon a lot of good and normal people fall into the latter category.

19

Being frustrated and worn down by suburban family life was hipper in the late 70s than it is now which ought to be kept in mind. Still, it seems to me that dislike of children, or of having children, is misplacing the problem. I think it is interesting that the blame for being stressed and unhappy is placed at the feet of the children as individuals rather than where it belongs, at the feet of some notions about how a family ought to be structured.

You might consider whether what people actually hate is that they are expected – and expect of themselves – that they have to be all things for their children while the children are (broadly stated) sort of temporary guests in the house. In some ways (broadly speaking) children have become the reason for a family but not really members of it. And the notion of extended family (of choice or of blood, I’m not picky where you get your village) gets a lot of lip service but very little action.

It’s unreasonable, it seems to me. It’s no wonder people get tired and hostile – people regularly expected to perform unreasonable things often get resentful about it.

20

Marienee, could you elaborate a little more? That is an interesting thought, about parents feeling about their kids like a guest who has really overstayed his welcome.
Do you mean the kids don’t give enough back? Or that the parents don’t value what the children do have to give?