Here’s a relatively simple question with probably a complex answer:
How do people put up with being married with children?
Obviously from the divorce rates, many people can’t. Many people who have the means distance themselves from it with au pairs, boarding schools, etc.
I like the idea of having a family, but really it seems like a cross between a second full time job you can never quit and having roomates 30 years younger than you for the next 20 years.
Well… in many ways it is a lot like having a second full time job you can’t quit, or roomates 30 years younger than you for 20 years…
But it’s roomates you really like and a second job that’s really fulfilling. Most of the time, anyway.
Plus, it’s always changing – it isn’t like the same second job, or the same younger roomates for the whole 20 years. The experience of parenting infants is very different from that of parenting teenagers. So, when you occasionally find yourself in a parenting place that you aren’t that crazy about you can ride it out and hope that the next stage will be more to your liking.
And, as I said, even when your kids are pissing you off, you still love them.
As for being married throughout the parenting – I found it very helpful to have a co-parent. Someone to support me through the hard patches and to be proud with me through the good patches.
The being married part can be a lot of fun if you marry someone who is your best friend.
As for the “with children” part, it beats the hell out of me. I’ve never understood the allure, though people keep telling me that I don’t know what I’m missing and I’ll deeply regret not having kids. (Oddly enough, the ones who are most insistant that I should have children are also the ones who are the most miserable in their own lives.)
Geez, I find it tremendously fun.
To me, your question is essentially equivalent to “How can people stand to have fun?” I quite honestly enjoy my wife and kid far, far more than I ever enjoyed being single. It’s not even a close call, actually, because “fun” does not really describe how great it makes me feel. I find it incomprehensible that anybody would not want the same thing, though of course, people have to make their own decisions and all that.
When my daughter’s face lights up when I get home, that’s the best feeling I’ve ever had in my life. No other experience I could possibly have would be that good.
Because to quote Apu, “There comes a time in every man’s life when he asks the question, who will float my corpse down the Ganges?”
My wife and I have bee married for over 10 years. We have three children. I have to admit, we’re not still together because of “deep love” or whatever. Yes, there is love, so to speak. But the *real * reason is that we have figured out how not to drive each other bonkers.
I remember worrying about this when I was pregnant with my first child. I don’t like sharing living space and I’ve always thought it was a miracle that I could stand to live with Mr. Legend. However, after the baby was born, I realized that this wasn’t just a roommate I couldn’t kick out for 18 years - it was a fascinating tiny little person whose character and habits I was going to be shaping, for better or worse. I also realized that when you’ve fallen hopelessly, irrationally, and completely in love with someone who is not only utterly dependent on you for her survival but also often reminds you of of yourself and the other people you love, sharing your space with her isn’t all that bad.
I went through the same fears with the second one, by the way, with the added worry that, because I loved my first child so very much, there was no way I was going to be able to love another one to that degree. And I didn’t really fall in love with her immediately - it wasn’t until the second day that I looked at her, met her gaze, and went completely over.
I know that not everyone is lucky enough to feel this way about their kids (or their spouses, for that matter). And on the days when love really isn’t enough to make up for the fact that these people are in my house all the damn time, I take comfort in the knowledge that I’m in charge and I can send them to their rooms.
I think it’s enjoying being part of a family unit and being supported, by both your partner and your children. We’re fairly social creatures and having someone to share both yourself with and have that returned is a very fulfilling feeling. As for children, that differs for everyone and I’m not going to pull a Bob55 and pontificate on the base reasons for reproducing, because, as I said, different for everyone. I don’t have kids of my own so I can’t really describe that bond from a parental point of view, but I read this today and thought it was very fitting. But it’s different for everyone.
I think a lot of the problems that lead to divorce (though not all of them of course) come from people who get married because they got pregnant and didn’t really want to marry each other in the first place, or got married, realized they weren’t right for one another but by that time they have a child or two and they will try to work it out “for the kids”. My parents got married really young, but they dated for a couple of years before they got married and they didn’t start having kids for 2 or 3 years after they had been married. They are still married and happy to this day. Granted, there will always be stories of people who got married after 6 weeks and loved deeply and had 7 million kids and can’t imagine anything else, but I think those situations are few and far between.
Though I don’t ever want children I know I want to be married some day and I know I won’t marry anyone I haven’t dated for at least 1-2 years. I personally think that divorce should be the cheapest, easiest thing to do in the world. It should take a $50 paper filing fee and a half hour of time at the courthouse. Getting married, on the other hand, should be one of the most difficult things you have ever done. You should have to go through at least 3-6 months of counciling and be required to draw up a prenup. You should be required to really think it through and devote time and energy into preparing for such a huge step in your life. I know not everyone would agree, but FWIW I think a lot of the problems that cause people to be miserable and get a divorce wouldn’t be there if they really approached the situation for what it is-a major life change and investment, both emotional and financial.
This is going to sound cheese-ball, but here it goes. When I was a single guy, I could not even begin to comprehend the things I could feel as a parent. I didn’t have the vocabulary, I didn’t have a reference point. Now, I had some amazing experiences as a single guy that I thought could never be topped (you know guy stuff- Paris in fall, Mardi Gras, Spring Break, SuperBowls, cheerleaders) but amazingly, they have been topped on a regular basis by kid stuff. Hearing someone call you Daddy, hearing them sing a song, seeing them in a school play, or just spending an afternoon playing around in the back yard can be one of the best days of your life- and I ain’t shittin’ you to be dramatic. You got to feel it to know it.
My twins aren’t quite 3 so all I can speak of are the very early years.
It helps that small children are, across the board, absolutely beautiful. They’re soft, they usually smell good, they give the biggest, bestest hugs and giggle with their whole little bodies. They do cute things morning, noon and night - and, over and over again, you see yourself in them. They have bits and pieces of your looks, talents, temperament.
People are always saying kids are full of “life”, and that’s true in so many ways - not only are they enthusiastic and whole-hearted, curious and loving, but they give off amazingly good vibes. Wave after wave of positive energy flows from them, from infancy on.
I spent many years as an adult before having kids, and those years were all about me. What I could buy, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to accomplish in my career and as an activist. I accomplished a few things and failed at many others.
Now my life is about two little people - and somehow, it means so much more.
Yesterday was my birthday. They gave me drawings, we went out to dinner, and we wrestled on the floor for a good long time. It was the best birthday ever.
(please note, that’s not to say I don’t want to run screaming down the street at times - just that the good days are stunning)
Same deal with me - I live with my best friend and we also happen to have great sex together. I can’t see us having kids (nor can my husband) though I respect the hell out of people who do. And yes, in our case the people that nag/nagged us the worst about having kids are family members who were either abusive to their own kids or had kids who were out of control and ran roughshod over them. (The latter eventually came back and said, “Nevermind, you were right.” Her previous statement was that you don’t become a real adult until you have kids; she amended it to saying that you don’t age until you have them.)
Oooh, the squishy! My husband and I have been together 12 years or so. We had our first child 15 months ago.
Now there is ample evidence on this board to suggest it ain’t been wine and roses with us for a while.
However, we love each other very much, even though we are bad at it sometimes. Even at our darkest moments, imagining a life without each other is a dismal, devastating thought.
Now children? I have a baby that doesn’t really cry at all. She is such a good natured kid. Every day she becomes more and more a person. Oh how she can crack me up.
You think that your life was full. You. have. no. idea. Nothing in my life even compares to my daughter being nervous about something and grabbing hold of my leg because I’ll protect her. Or her trying to get me to chase her. Or watching her figure out how to drink out of a straw, or shoving bananas in her mouth.
You put up with it because you want it. Because the moments of good usually way better than stepping on a Lego. Because you love your kids and your spouse and you made a committment to do it, so even if there are days you want to run away, you can’t - not without hurting the people you love. Because you enjoy it (most of the time). Because kids and spouses grow and change - but are people that you are tied to in an incredibly special way.
Don’t get married and have kids because you “like the idea of a family.” Because you are right, they are roommates you can’t get rid of and a second job. But, if you are happy, its roommates you seldom want to get rid of and a second job you generally love.
I have an acquaintence who, after three kids, left her kids and her husband and said “I can’t put up with this anymore.” It happens and its hellish for everyone. There are days I understand where she was coming from - but I could never cause that much pain to my kids - so I get through those days (sometimes with kids in front of the TV and a book in my room - mine are old enough to give me space) and move onto the next day - which is always better.
There are times when I want to run away and start all over again.
Then there are times when I sit on the couch with my daughter and my husband. She looks like him and sounds like and even smells like him when she’s been eating blueberry muffins. I love him so I love her. I also love her because she’s like the best parts of me got copied into another person. Most of all I suppose I put up with it because at least once a day one of them makes me laugh so hard I cry.
The good times way outnumber the bad so even when she’s whining at the top of her lungs while I’m trying to watch Grey’s Anatomy I still stick around.
I always wanted kids someday. That was in the highest tiers on my goal list. Now that I have two healthy daughter, 4 years and 4 months, I am sure that I am fulfilled and done. That first year of parenthood made me crack literally. I had to be the single parent of a dramatic baby girl for days or more than a week a time because my wife travels. Daughter number 2 has been much easier so far if you want to call it that. I love having a 4 year old around and it will probably be even easier as she gets older. We can talk and she is very mature for her age by all accounts. It is those babies that are a killer in my eyes. I look at it as a rite a passage to get through the first year.
After they are a little older, they can wipe their own butts and they add interest and conversation to you and your home. You can coach them in many ways as well whereas much of that may have been lost had you not had them.
Rating **** Sucks hard in the beginning and sporadic at times but the benefits are constant and larger than anything else.
Marriage - I was never a person to want a girlfriend just to have one. As a matter of fact, I just don’t care about that stuff. My wife just landed in my lap almost literally and we just went from there. The fact that she was good breeding stock never lost my attention. We had good kids and built a nice life between the two of us. Marriage pails in comparison to parenthood or so I tell myself. Your kids are your kids for life but your spouse may be gone tomorrow as countless victims of happy marriages have found out. I don’t really understand marriage for people that don’t want to build a traditional family. It is merely a legal maneuver built around that goal. People can live and love every day of their being the same way without lawyers and court fees when it fails if they choose.
Rating **
As someone who is 39 and a single guy and almost certainly going to remain that way, being childless is one of my great regrets. I’ve held my 5-day old niece and had her slumber in my arms. I watched my nephew, at 15 months, learn to walk backwards and saw the absolute joy and pride in his face. I saw my nephew, again at 15 months, slip and fall on his back, and then try to decide whether to throw a tantrum or not. These memories are incredibly strong. And, despite having known them so briefly, so are my feelings for both of them.
I’m with msmtith. I can’t imagine having the burden of children. It’s fun playing with my neices and nephews and I can love them and be proud of them. But the best part is, at the end of the day, I go home and leave them with my brother.
My wife and I have a agreed to not have children. Do you think we’ll regret it later?
When your corpses go un-floated down the Ganges, yes.
It’s difficult to regret something you can’t understand.