I’ve been married over 25 years and during this time I’ve only told my wife once that I wish we had a child or children. I’ve spoken to married people that had children during this span of time.
And they’ve often told me that having children changes everything. I’ve always been afraid to ask them what they meant by this. I suppose, I’m afraid that I’ve missed something. But I’m still not sure what they meant. For parents out there, please enlighten me. Do you feel that way about your family?
To be clear, I’m fine with people not having kids. But kids are amazing. They are independent lives that are tied to you. You love them with a love that is different from any other. And they can lead you down interesting pathways you’d never explore on your own.
Thanks to our kids, I:
learned more about horses than I ever wanted to know
Met Adam West and saw how TV filming works from the inside
Learned about behavioral economics and had the thrill of co-authoring papers with my daughter.
Saw my other daughter go off to Germany armed with only college German and thrive - and become very brave.
Some parents learn more about the legal system than they want to know, so it is not all perfect. But it makes a two person family into a many-person family.
Honestly, children are not easy. They take work and they will stress you out tremendously. They are exhausting.
But, IMO, they are completely worth it. The feeling I get when my son or daughter ones something that makes me proud or when they want affection are the best feelings in the world. I could literally spend all day tickling my kids or taking them to “kiddy” places (chuck e cheese) - a place I wouldn’t go on my own - and be amused by how they interact with the world.
The other day my daughter was singing a song of nightwish and I could not help be feel elated. She’s five and it was the most adorable thing.
Yes, they keep you up nights. Yes they fight with you and can make you miserable. At the end of the day, it’s completely worth it.
To me. YMMV
Sure, at five they’re adorable…
Actually, I agree with Voyager and Meatros. I never really wanted kids, but just kind of fell into the “get married and have kids” thing. I’m not sorry. There is a bond that’s unique and wonderful. But, my god, the teenage years were a bit rough. I don’t think I needed them to feel like my life was complete, but I’m very glad I have them.
I remember in the first few days our daughter was home, it really did feel like we had just stepped through a door–one that we couldn’t see past before we stepped through it, and one which locked behind us.
It instantly re-wires your brain in several ways. First, you cannot ignore a small child’s needs. Your own needs are instantly on the back burner: no more eating, sleeping, peeing, or showering on your own schedule, not at the beginning anyway, and you don’t mind because you are much more driven to take care of the baby than of yourself. The thought of your own tiny baby wanting for something for one single solitary second is unbearable.
Second, you have lost at least half of your brainpower because you are constantly monitoring the tiny child’s needs and functions. Is it warm? Cold? Sleepy? Hungry? Bored? Bright light in its eyes? Wants a different toy? Scratchy tag in its PJs? Soggy diaper? The number of things that can bother a baby, and that the baby can’t take care of, are neverending. And you are constantly processing that. My daughter is 23 months old and I am still too dumb to follow most adult conversations.
Third, your biological instinct has been satisfied and it makes you more comfortable in your own skin, and a little smug. I remember the first time my husband and I went out after our daughter was born. I was two weeks post-partum, thirty pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, huge loose spare tire around my middle, c-section incision healing, and hadn’t slept more than three hours at a stretch since she was born. We went to a swanky sushi restaurant where the rich 20-somethings hang out. I sat in the corner, objectively looking like hell, and thought “I don’t care what these self-absorbed children think. I MADE LIFE.”
I agree with this. I also want to say that you do lose something when you have kids (and you take care of them) - you lose your independence. As Sattua explains, you become a back burner to your child’s needs. This entails a loss of a sort. You can’t simply pick up and do whatever you like - you have a forced responsibility. This can be both good and bad. It’s sort of like when you get into a relationship - your partner makes you want to be a better person. Similarly your children do the same thing, only you can’t just breakup with your child.
It’s not for everyone and its not filled with Sunshine and Sprinkles, but it can be very rewarding.
Would I have been a happy, useful person without kids? I imagine so.
But I can’t really imagine what my life would have been without them. I have a fine marriage and love my work, but love and pride in kids is different–and for me more powerful–than any other kind of love or pride.
Although I also know I’ve been very lucky in that my kids are all physically and mentally healthy, bright and law-abiding. I might feel differently if I’d put all that love and care into kids who for one reason or another would not end up as useful, independent adults.
Also, kids give you an excuse to read Milne and Kipling and Baum and and and…
Definitely having children changes everything. It can be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. It can can ruin your life forever. And there’s no way to find out in advance which category is going to apply to you. It’s kind of like jumping off a cliff and asking yourself on the way down “I wonder where the rocks are?”
(Fortunately for us, it was the former. For some folks I know, it wasn’t. Luck of the draw, I guess.)
Oh, and one other thing. If you currently have pets, they’re instantly demoted to “just pets” the instant your first child is born.
My dogs were all very helpful about watching the babies while I went to the bathroom, though.
Of course, they received quite generous wages in the form of soggy dropped zwieback.
Children are amazing and worth every moment.
The most important thing is what’s been said. You lose your independence. Someone is now totally dependent on you for his or her very survival. Not only that, but you WANT to provide for this person in the best way you can, at the expense of your own comfort and well-being. It makes you think differently about everything.
If you don’t know, you don’t know - and didn’t you post once that you were a grandfather - how in the hell could you be a grandfather if you didn’t have atleast one kid?
So, if you have never had kids - then you have no idea what you were saying about how parents would feel in that other thread to the death of their children, and you really should not make assumptions like you do. If that post was a ‘metaphor’ and this post is ‘genuine’ - then as I started to say -
Its one of those feelings you can;'t know until you know it.
Go get a puppy - its alot like that.
You’re old enough to have been married 25 years, but not mature enough to be able to imagine how “having children changes everything?”
He’s a lawyertoo -
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids but then I had them and I’m so glad I did” is uninteresting. What I find intriguing is the tiny number of people who will admit that they wish they hadn’t had kids.
The beauty in this world is that it takes all types. I absolutely couldn’t stand being married. It felt like chattel slavery and I never want to do it again. However, I knew I needed to do it so that I could find someone whose main qualifications would be to be a great mother and good ex-wife. I did that and it works out beautifully. I love being a father more than anything and try to be good at it. I always wanted kids and saw that as the main point to marriage. If you don’t see it that way, good for you but there are others who only use marriage to have kids responsibly and don’t really care about their spouse outside of that context.
I would admit that - and have - but not for the reasons that I think you would want to hear. (divorce when very young, non-contact, bitterness, etc).
Yeah, and he’s even “spoken to married people” who have had children in the last 25 years. But they wouldn’t clue him in on the mystical reasons for this life-altering change.
No, your reason sounds potentially more interesting than those.
I mostly mean people who have kids, love them, and at least take a part in raising them, but will admit that to do it over again, they’d pass. A few people will admit that and it makes me wonder how many people think it but would never admit it.
Did your ex-wife know of this arrangement beforehand?? If she didn’t, it’s not “responsible” at all.