Anyone served as a mentor for a college student

In My Humble Opinion
1

I signed up through my college’s alumni association to be a mentor for a student who had won a scholarship. It was the same type of scholarship I had won when I went there.

My girlfriend thought I would find the experience enriching.

But here’s the problem. The student I’m supposed to mentor (I don’t like the word “mentee”, but I may be forced to use it) and I have never met in person.

There was supposed to be an event for everyone to meet at. She never contacted me before that. That was in January. Since then, I have sent her a few emails to ask her how her classes were going, stuff like that.

But I always would get replies about three or four weeks late. It’s pretty much made it impossible for me to try to schedule anything because I never know when I’m going to hear from the student.

There’s a second problem. The student (who is female) said she would preferred if I just called her on her cell. However, I’m a 40-year old male. She’s likely 18. That just doesn’t seem to work quite well for someone like me to call someone that young out of the blue and just start to chat.

I generally feel that I’m too old to be of much help to this student. The college has changed a lot since I was there. The student isn’t interested in working in my field either.

I’m wondering if I should just go back to Plan B for supporting my school and just writing them a check

2

If she said she’d rather you call her cell and you want to be a mentor to this student, then call her cell. Sure, for me, the phone fear would kick in, but I’d eventually manage to call.

I work at a university, and occasionally I let myself be surprised by the number of students who don’t check their e-mail regularly. But if they don’t have a professor who communicates by e-mail, then often they don’t check it often.
If, once you talk to the student, you still feel that you can’t really be of help to her or that she’s not really interested in meeting, then sure, go back to writing a check once a year (or however often).

3

Maybe I will tell her to call my work number and that may seem less creepy to me. I just don’t know when to call, what she’s doing at the time, etc.

I’m bad enough on the phone talking to family, let alone someone else I don’t know.

4

Why don’t you ask her when a good time to call would be? It would also seem that you are more uncomfortable about this than she is. If you don’t feel comfortable, then you should go to the person in charge of the program and say you don’t think you would be much help, as a 40 year old man, to an 18 year old young woman. That is reasonable. When I read your post, my first thought was “How the hell did a 40 year old get hooked up with an 18 year old?” At my college, men and women didn’t mentor each other. It was always same sexed pairs. I think it would be more comfortable that way.

By the way, I think it is great that you are attempting to mentor.

5

I mentioned my trepidations at first and the person thought I would still be good. But I emailed that person today and told them I don’t think it’s going to work out.

I can sort of tell from the planned activities they are having that I wouldn’t be a good fit. I would feel really old. I can even tell from reading the emails from the student that I’m really old.

When I was a freshman, I believe my mentor was a senior. I only talked to her a couple of times, but this was in an era when you had to do things like use a land line to call someone.

It was primitive, but effective.

6

Still stick it on your list of things you did while in college. You did try. It just didn’t work out. If there is one, why don’t you contact the organizaton for non-traditional students (or if there is not one, start one) and see if they do mentoring. No one take offense to this, but as someone who went back at 28 and just graduated, I think non traditional students are the ones who need mentors.

7

Mrs O’Malley’s Cow, great advice. I think this is a wonderful idea.

BobT, my research in my doctoral program is on mentoring relationships between faculty and students. One thing I’ve happened upon is that not all mentor-mentee matches are a good fit. Additionally, there is a responsibility for the mentee to hold up their end of the bargain and return calls, e-mails, etc. It sounds like your mentee isn’t ready just yet for that aspect of the relationship.

It would be wonderful if you could remain a mentor, but perhaps suggest to your current mentee that you two might not be a great match - she might agree, or she might realize that she hasn’t held up her end of the dealand suggest to your college that they create an inventory or survey that might help them better match students and alumni. Trust me, there are some “old souls” who are students who would love a mentor who can tell them about campus life 20 years ago, or can tell them how cool the 80s were when you were rocking out to Duran Duran and Van Halen (considered “classic tunes” nowadays)! And there are students who would love to hear from your many years of experience as they embark on their own careers.

8

I think I was picked for this student primarily because we were both interested in sports. When the program started, it was right in the middle of basketball season and I figured we could meet before a game and such. But that never panned out.

I think I will try to work on some diplomatic language to tell this woman that I think she would be better served with a different mentor. I think she needs a mentor in college. She is the first person in her family to attend college (I don’t believe her parents were born in the U.S.). So a 40-year old white guy who is the son of a college graduate who had three other brothers graduate from college before he did might not be able to help out much.

9

Thinking about it a little more, I actually wonder if you might be a good match!

Your mentee is a first-generation college student. She might be somewhat clueless about how to navigate this relationship. For instance, she might not understand the value of networking, or how you can help her. I was the first in my family to go to college - there were so many things that I was clueless about, like Greek life, what happens after I graduate - if I even graduate, what sort of things to spend my time and money on, how to decide what classes to take… I imagine you might have had some insight into these things as a kid from a college-centered family. You, in other words, have some knowledge of what’s termed the hidden curriculum and your mentee may not.

I think an e-mail expressing your feelings but also suggesting your experiences might help her in significant ways might be the prompt for her to realize that you have a lot to share that could help her considerably. Of course, I stand by my previous statement that it might not work out, regardless, and you shouldn’t feel pressure to continue if you don’t want to.

But on the other hand, maybe an open and frank e-conversation, talking about how you think your differences might be a challenge, but a significantly different experience from your own could be incredibly powerful could really be valuable to both of you…

10

I ended up emailing her and telling her that she would be better off with someone younger and also someone who lived closer to campus. She seems to only be available at odd times and at short notice. And it takes a while for me to get to campus.

She always told me that she was having schedule problems and was too busy and I suggested that she find someone to help with her time management. It’s not going to get easier.

11

You keep bringing up age and age difference - why is this so important? I’ve hardly learned anything from people my own age. Isn’t the point of a mentor supposed to be having someone with a little more experience to share what they’ve learned from their own successes and failures?

12

I just don’t think I relate with people that much younger than me that I could be effective in the job.

13

It would be great if this worked out, but maybe it won’t. From a philosophical perspective, it seems like bad ju-ju if the white male adult power structure won’t mentor young ethnic women because “it’s not comfortable.” On the other hand, I can relate to your perspective that the logistics of this particular case may not be feasible. I’m not trying to be accusative toward you personally with that, just kind of looking at what society would wind up with if everyone had the same type of problems with this relationship.

One thing I would do is put myself in her shoes. This is her first semester in college. Think back to your first semester in college. What were your priorities, roughly in order? Where would “returning calls to mentor” fit on that list? In my case it would have been after grades, friends, chasing guys, partying, food, friends back home, and keeping up with all the bureaucracy required to stay in college.

Also, factor in that most likely most adult white males she’s known have probably been authority figures in her life with clearly defined roles. She probably doesn’t know how to approach you, either.

Regarding the “call me on my cell” thing, her not knowing why this isn’t socially appropriate is just the kind of thing a mentor can gently help her with. If you can take calls at work, I like the idea of asking her to call you at your office. Or set up a regular time to talk in the evenings, like first Monday of the month. Structure the calls around goals each of you are focused on that month. Make this a time when your girlfriend is at your house, so that you don’t get a creepy vibe. Take the calls in your office/study, not your kitchen or (gakk!) bedroom.

A college age mentor would also be a good idea for her, to help her adjust to college. An adult mentor will probably be more relevant as she transitions into the workforce. Still, that mentor will be more valuable if it’s someone she’s known for years.

If you’re not ready to make it work this time, maybe next time. I’m not making these suggestions because I know how to be the perfect mentor, but because I know it can be hard. I have been an e-mentor to elementary school girls twice for semester-long commitments. Once went a lot better than the other. One girl was just obsessed with me sending her pictures of myself, and I wasn’t crazy about that. Thanks for volunteering, and good luck!

14

I am aware of all the time demands a new college student has. I think my problem was that I am too impatient. I don’t think I would serve in the role of a mentor well when I’m feeling ticked off.

But even in my workplace, I don’t think I relate well to any of the employees who are younger than me. Nearly all of the people at work I am friendly with are older than me. Of course, I’m in an odd demographic at work where it seems there are a sizeable chunk of employees who are 7+ years older than me and then a whole bunch who are 7+ years younger than me. My only coworker whoever seeks advice from me is a woman in her 50s who switched to working in the public sector (where I am) after about 30 years in private business.

I think I’ll just chalk this up to being a well-intentioned idea, but one that had poor execution on the details on everybody’s part.

  1. I didn’t think the whole thing through
  2. The people doing the matching didn’t think it through
  3. The student wasn’t all that interested.
15

You seem to have this strange notion as if your age categorizes you as a different species than the rest of us.

I think you are uncomfortable with this young woman for other reasons, and are looking for a convenient explanation/excuse to break it off.

I can understand the discomfort - the concept of a mentor is quite a personal relationship which requires genuine interest and dedication from both ends. Perhaps, and I’m just throwing out ideas here, you don’t feel like what you have to offer her is valuable enough, or you simply fear sharing such a personal relationship with someone when you assume you won’t be able to understand each other’s perspective.

16

Sometimes I feel like a different species.

Overall, it just doesn’t seem like it would work out and I’m just not comfortable with the situation. But since there wasn’t much of a response from the other end, I don’t think I’m too far off with my thinking.

17

Their school email - yeah. No one ever checks their school email. I would have asked for a personal email address. I know far more people with email addresses than with cellphones. I’m betting that if she has a cellphone, she has a personal email she checks regularly.