Dating the teacher

Two years ago, I had a class with a TA who was one year older than I. After the grades were in, I asked her out. She declined in a way that made it seem my student status was the main reason.

At the end of this month, I’ll have finished my degree and will not have a reason to come back to the school where she sometimes teaches.

Right now, she teaches a class just before mine.
So, what’s the way to go about this? I could talk to her after her class and tell her I’d like to contact her after my degree is complete.
Or I could wait until my degree is definitely over and contact her over the university’s email, or her email or phone number (both of which she volunteered to the Bar association’s phonebook).

I don’t think I’d be likely to run into her after my degree is over. If I talk to her face to face, it’s going to be while I’m still a student.
So, input?

Ummm if you already got her number just wait till after you graduate and give her a call out of the blue

Are you having a graduation party? Perhaps an invitation to that would be a nice “bridge” between your student and post grad life. It’s a group situation, which many women might feel more comfortable at than a private date to start, but would give you an opportunity to chat her up outside of school.

Heck, even if you’re not planning a party, see if you can grab a couple of friends to go out somewhere to celebrate, and invite her along. No pressure, just fun, and it not-so-subtly reinforces the “See, I’m not a student anymore!” message.

Most schools these days have ethics rules that prohibit faculty and TAs from dating active students, even if there is no class time involved. Once you’re no longer a student, this goes away.

I did a second bachelor’s degree, and I had the hots for one professor, Problem was, we were both married to others, and I was about 10 years older than her…


Things is, she didn’t give me her number. It’s not as if I violated her privacy, posting your number in the Bar’s phonebook is purely voluntary, but I’m still not sure about it.
Vunder: Before I asked her out 2 years ago, I asked the university if they had any such policy. They don’t beyond the usual non-harassment policy.
The graduation party is gone and I’m pretty sure she didn’t attend. I don’t know anyone else who’s finishing their degree at the same time as me.
Perhaps it’s relevant to say that when I asked her out the first time, I did it through email, not knowing how to contact her otherwise.

I hope I’m not coming accross as difficult. I appreciate your input.

Unless she -gave- you her number it would be weird calling her on it asking for a date.

None of the female TAs I’ve known consider their students as potential dating partners, so I wouldn’t consider this as likely to pan out.

True, worth a try anyway.

Do you know why they don’t consider them potential dating partners? Even after they’re no longer students?

If you’re going to ask her out, do so face to face, not over e-mail or over the phone (especially if she didn’t give you her # directly).

Are you sure she wasn’t just being polite? You know some women would prefer to give a reason for declining a date rather than just saying “I’m not attracted to you”.
But if you really think she might actually want to go on a date, then why aren’t you just saying hello to her and chatting as she leaves the classroom and you enter? (Every class I’ve taken has a few minutes change-over time, enough to at least start a conversation). If she really is interested, the chat will continue up until your class is about to start, at which point you can suggest finishing it over coffee/drinks sometime.

I’m not sure she wasn’t just being polite.
As for meeting her, she teaches in another classroom and exits out the back into a corridor that’s little used by students.

I’ve been thinking about doing something like that though. Talk some and ask if I can contact her after my degree. It might come off contrived for me to meet her like that though.

Yeah, I thought that preferable. But that would mean I’m still a student when I ask her out.
Then there’s asking her email to give me her phone number, which I could do when there’s no teacher/student problem.

Sure you have a reason to come back to campus…to see her. Don’t ask her out by e-mail or by phone. Have you ever had a personal conversation with her face to face? Come back to campus after you graduate, when you believe you will bump into her, and invite her for coffee. Something low-key.

That’s the problem. I don’t believe I’ll bump into her after this semester. I could wait until this fall but I’m really not sure she’ll be there. Or she could finish her PhD and never come back to teach there.

No, never had a personal conversation with her. I kept the conversation to school matters when I was her student.

So you asked her out over e-mail having never had a personal conversation with her? And you haven’t had any since asking her out the first time? Doesn’t sound promising regardless of your student/TA dynamic.

I had a friend with an enormous rush on her high school’s band director. After college, she went back one afternoon to visit, and just asked him out. She just basically said "So, now that I’m no longer a student, can I buy you dinner?

They’ve been happily married for about 30 years now.

Almost always, the answer to “*How *should I ask this person out?” is: Wait until it’s appropriate, and then ask.

And she hasn’t tried to strike up any sort of ongoing relationship with you - i.e. stop and chat, stay in email contact? Otherwise indicate that the reason she said no was the student/teacher dynamic.

My guess, doesn’t matter how you approach her, she’s not that into you. But if you want to try - I’d try a PERSONAL relationship now. Not a romantic relationship. Start by saying hi and talking to her when you run into her.

This is me, but I think its really creepy when guys are interested in dating me, but not interested in me as a person. You’ve spent two years not being interested in her as a person, but you are still interested in dating her.

Could you use less connotative terms than “as a person”? I’m not interested in just being friends with her, that’s true. As for finding out about her, before the class was over, we had a student/teacher relationship so I didn’t ask personal questions.

Afterward, I don’t see what that would have looked like. Have you ever been in a situation where you knew someone was interested in you and you kept talking and finding out about each other for 2 years while not dating? How do I tell someone that: “Alright, you turned me down for a date, but let’s go for coffee so I can find out about you as a person, but not as a date, I promess.”

Also, in two years, we walked past each other once. Our schedules just didn’t align well. TAs and students also don’t mix much.

If you’re insinuating that I’m only interested in her for sex, it’d be much better if you didn’t presume that of people before you know more about them. If you still think I’m only interested in her for sex, please start a pit thread to chew out the pig that I (apparently) am.

No, I don’t think you are interested in her just for sex, but you haven’t made any effort to know her “as a person.” And that doesn’t happen because your schedules line up - it happens because you see a professional article you think she’d be interested in and you email it to her. Or you run into a situation with another class and you contact her with “I could use your advice.” And because she responds in kind to these sorts of efforts.

And yes, I have. My husband and I were friends for eleven years before we started dating. Not that we weren’t interested in each other for eleven years, but the timing didn’t work out for over a decade. We invited each other to parties we were having. We had conversations. We went out for pizza. We saw movies together. We ran a Science Fiction convention together. Sometimes these things happened in a group - sometimes they happened with just the two of us.

I’m sorry you think I’m insinuating you are a pig, I am not.

I think you answered your own question.

She’s not into you. Once a woman declines to go out with you, for whatever reason, just let it go.

If you ask her out again, you’re officially in creepface territory. Presumably she’s smart enough to know that your status as a student is not permanent, that a date between the two of you would eventually be theoretically possible. Given that, she really doesn’t need to ask her out again. If she were interested, she would have reached out to you. She would have said “Sorry, Michael, us dating now wouldn’t be a good idea…but hmmm, when did you graduate?”

This is like reading hope into “No, I can’t make it”.