After she turned me down, I did ask her for tips on how to study law, to which she responded.
I thought about asking her to just talk as friends but figured she’d think I was just trying to stealth-date her (weird term, but hopefully you understand what I mean; having the same getting-to-know-you dynamic as a date but without calling it a date).
So, are you saying that I after I asked her out for a coffee date, I could then have invited her for coffee as a friend and she would have thought “Alright, it’s just friendly then”?
No, you can’t ask her out on a date and then for coffee as a friend. You can ask her out on a date and after she says no say at some later point - “a bunch of folks are meeting for a movie if you are interested” or “I’m having a party next Friday.” That’s what I mean by connecting with her as a person. Right now, you asked her out and then showed no other interest in her for two years - you may not intend to be treating her like a piece of ass, but she may take it as such since your behavior has been “date me or nothing.”
Make a point of connecting with her as you switch rooms - you said she teaches a class just before yours, right. Just the “great to see you again” and, if you can manage it, small talk. If she responds positively, a flirty compliment - “I forgot what a great laugh you have.” That way the whole asking her out again doesn’t come out of the blue.
What I want with her: She seems to have many qualities that I’d like in a long term relationship. In fact, I can’t think of anyone else who’s given me a better impression of having those qualities. This also made it difficult to be friends with her, especially for 2 years. I had never had a particularly bad reaction to being turned down, but when she did I lost my appetite for a week or two.
No sex: I said that I’m not only interested in having sex with her. Keyword being “only”.
No talking: That’s part of “no friend” and having had a teacher/student relationship.
None of my relationships start out this way. It’s the first time I’m interested in a teacher and first time I’m still interested 2 years after having been turned down.
The point Dangerosa, and others, are trying to make - I think - is that this woman doesn’t really know you, and you don’t know her. The suggestion is that you find ways to get to know each other a little bit before pushing forward w/ asking her out again. Do you know where she spends her time outside of class? What kinds of hobbies she has? Is there anyplace besides the classroom you’d be able to bump into her and make small talk (I realize this is bordering on stalking… but I don’t think it’s out of the question to find ways to run into her.)
My gut feeling is that if she’d wanted to date you, she wouldn’t have let the TA/Student thing get in the way. She was letting you down easy. She might gain some interest in you if you are able to engage her in some way and get her to know you better - but for now, I don’t see her changing her tune on you after two years of silence.
Just a thought… Is she on Facebook? Do you have any mutual friends with her? If so, it wouldn’t be so weird for you to send her a friend request. If you have no mutual friends, then it might be a little creepy and stalkerish because she’ll know you searched her out. If you can friend her on there, you might be able to engage her a bit online through that venue.
Hey, **MichaelEmouse **- What happened w/ the girl you went on the museum datew/ a couple of weeks ago. It sounded like the start of something promising.
Fifty years ago, I dated a student in the course I was teaching. Probably not a good idea, but she was always going to get an A. It didn’t work out. Although we got quite serious quite quickly, she suddenly broke it off without explanation half a year later.
Hmm. What can somebody do that doesn’t involve just being friends, but also doesn’t mean wanting to have sex with them. Hmm…
There is definitely a level between sexual partner and friend. I don’t hold hands and make out with friends.
The fact that so many people don’t know this is why so many women feel so objectified. Yeah, if a guy wants to be more than friends, it must mean he sees her as a sexual object. It can’t just be that he sees a potential romantic relationship, and wants to explore those options. It must be his hormones wanting to bone her.
Am I honestly the only guy who doesn’t think about having sex with a girl just because I like her?
I think the party invite is a better idea, speaking as a female [checks again to make sure, yop still female ]
You could tell her that you would still be interested in seeing her and a more public party venue is better to make a female more comfortable, unless it is a frat partyish sort of thing that may have a reputation for over indulgence, I know that I would be hesitant to have gone to some parties I went to when I was a lot younger that currently would have date rape drug possibilities. Back in my day drunk was pretty much the danger, I dont remember any rumors of date rape drugs back then. Just guys trying to outdrink me and get me in bed =)]
Sooo… you had no contact beyond the utterly trivial with her in TWO YEARS? And the contact you had was limited to non-personal issues? Yet you think you have divined some personal qualities in her that go beyond those of anyone else you’ve met? I’m a bloke, and I don’t know all the facts, but I have to say this is tickling my weirdometer, and not in a good way.
The reason teaching staff are not interested in students is that teachers live in a different world outside of school/college/whatever. To you, she is the only teacher in the room, and that elevates her noticeability and importance. To her, you are just one of hundreds of interchangeable blurry faces that come and go over the years, while she lives her real life with her friends and family. Put yourself in her shoes - don’t you think she might think it really, really odd for a student from two years ago to still be crushing on her?
We went on our third date on Wednesday. After we held hands (yes, on our third date, neither one of us is religious) she initiated a short relationship talk about the fact that distance might split us up in the future.
I met her yesterday and explicitely asked her if she meant that she’d rather be friends and she said no. It was about making sure I understood the possibility of splitting up and deciding whether I wanted to get emotionally involved.
I don’t know what kind of relationship we’ll end up with, but it looks like as long as I don’t have expectations, it’ll be alright.
I’ve not proposed anything through email until now but yesterday I asked her if she’d like to come over to make sushi and watch a movie. Still waiting for a response on that.
Did you tell her that while you’re dating her and waiting for the relationship to inevitably end due to her leaving, that you would be pursuing other women?
Not yet. Next time we talk, I’ll tell her she shouldn’t stop herself from seeing other people. At a point where we’ve held hands, I didn’t think a “are we exclusive?” talk was required. I don’t know if the relationship will inevitably end. She’s 2 hours away and I might go live in her city.
Noel,
"Yet you think you have divined some personal qualities in her that go beyond those of anyone else you’ve met? "
I could be completely off as to whether or not she has them. That’s part of why I want to date her.
"don’t you think she might think it really, really odd for a student from two years ago to still be crushing on her? "
She might. It’s certainly unusual. But the impression she’s given me is the same, whether 2 months or 2 decades have passed. Now that one reason for turning me down is about to pass, I’ll ask her again. If that weirds her out, she’ll say no and that’ll be it.
“I’m terrific. Listen, remember when you said we couldn’t go out because of my student status? Well, guess whose student status is going to lapse in sixteen days? Does that change your mind even a little bit about us going out sometime?”
“Michael, I was being tactful–I wouldn’t go out with you unless you put a pistol to my ear.”
OR
“That sounds like a great idea. Just bring your diploma to my door when you pick me up so I can make a copy, 'kay?”
Hi Pseudo,
That sounds like a good idea. I prefer to visualise conversations like that before having them, even if they don’t go the way I planned. I’d prefer to make small talk with her first though, about her studies and the class she teaches.
Was never a big ladies man, but one of my few successes involved a woman who had been my boss’ boss when I briefly worked retail while in college. We’d had very little interaction while I worked there. After I was fired from that job after my probationary period (They claimed I had a bad attitude. No shit!) one night I decided to just give her a call. Found her home # in the book, astoundingly she said yes, and we went out a few times. Might have gone further but I met someone else and was stupid…
So there’s really no harm in asking, so long as you are prepared to take no for an answer. Tho as others have observed, in the absence of a policy against TAs dating students, the reason she said no before is probably because she just doesn;'t care to date you. But maybe she will have changed her mind since before.
On edit - act how you wish, but I’ve always preferred a more direct approach. I always fear “small talk preceding a date request” is pretty obvious to most women. Why make it more complicated than necessary?
It is obvious, but it gives me a chance to know if we have anything in common other than your physical attraction to me and my potential physical attraction to you.
I didn’t go out on many “stranger” dates - I tended to date friends - but my “let a cute guy have my phone number” experiences were all horrible - because five minutes of small talk would have established he was a mouth breathing moron (and they probably had just as bad a time thinking ‘whoa, this chick uses big words and reads for fun. She’s not going to fit in at the softball field.’)
Not that that is likely to be the case here, a law student and law school TA already have something in common and its likely they both speak and read complete sentences. But there is more to life than discussing constitutional law with your sweetie and physical attraction.
(Now, if the point is sex - then who cares who can hold a conversation or make small talk.)
Yeah, that’s one view. But I figured that since he had had a class with her, she at least knew a little something about him - how he spoke and carried himself, something of his personality…
Just seems hokey to me to make a little small talk leading up to a date request. When the date question comes up, does she think, “So, he really wasn’t interested in talking, other than to get to asking me out?” And if she agrees to go for coffee or something noncommittal, that would provide plenty of opportunity for small talk.
But, like I said, I never was much of a ladies’ man, and have been out of the game for 25 years.
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