My grandparents had 5 sets of dishes; the 4 mentioned above and one for take out Chinese food. Well, at least their dishes will go to heaven.
So, you don’t have any sons?
I never have, but slicing a bagel in my hand always freaked me out a bit, so I taught myself how to slice things like that flat on the counter.
- Lay bagel on counter
- place right palm on top of bagel with fingers straight out and out of the way
- position knife horizontal to the counter, edge facing the bagel
- gently saw the knife through the bagel, pressing down on the bagel with the flat holding hand
I cut crookedly at first, until I got the hang of it.
Which is why I always slice my avocados on the table saw.
And you call yourself a man? Only a chainsaw will do!
Personally I’m just a hardcore adrenaline junkie, but not one of those pussy base jumpers or free climbers, and I’ll stop cutting avocados and bagels that way when you pry the knife from my cold dead hand.
The one that is not deeply lacerated obviously, that one wouldn’t be holding the knife.
Or you could just spend $25 bucks and get a Bagel Guillotine!
Bagel slicers are less useful now, given that many places sell pre-sliced bagels. Plus I never eat bagels any longer, given they’re a giant mass of calories, even if you don’t put a schmear of cream cheese on them.
Maybe my butter knives are more lethal than the norm? I’ve never had a problem getting a clean-cut avocado with one. And then I jab the blunted point right into the pit and flip that sucker out like a pro.
I don’t consider them daily breakfast fare. But if I don’t indulge in a freshly-baked scallion cream cheese-and-nova bagel or bialy once or twice a month, I might as well move to Kalamazoo.
Just… what? No! I… how does…? Really? I can’t even. There is no… Seriously? Words fail… What?!?
“Dave The Barbarian” tried to tell us. It was in the episode where Evil Food tried to kill him. The food is evil and hates us 
I think a chainsaw is just if you’re going to sculpt a bust of Tom Brady out of guacamole for your Superbowl party.
Is it really that shocking to you that people slice themselves cutting bagels? Really? No, I mean really? It’s a fuckin recipe for disaster the way I see most people do it.
It’s just that eventually, you’d expect them to run out of thumbs.
Maybe the wrong time to link to that scene with Ron Jeremy in Delicatexxxan.
That people hurt themselves cutting bagels? No. I’ve probably done it myself at some point.
That people would try to slice a bagel with their thumbs stuck through the prime slicing zone? Yes, yes, I am surprised at the… poor planning skills on display there.
The following is an actual exchange overheard a few years ago at our local food co-op.
Co-op worker, trying to make an amusing joke: Hey, what’s up with the bagels? We noticed the holes are getting larger.
Bagel delivery guy: They hired a baker with a bigger dick.
I don’t think that was made as a serious suggestion that people actually do it that way…
You’ve been around hyoomans long enough to know better.