My brother and his wife have in the past few years have adopted children from a foreign country (the particular country isn’t germane to my question).
I have shown friends and co-workers some photos from a recent family trip showing off my brother’s family, which also contains two children of their own. Some people in response to looking at the photos look at me and say “Why did they go adopt children from another country? Why didn’t they want to help out children here in the United States?”
Without wanting to get into a debate about the merits of international adoption, is there a better way to respond to this other than my usual, “You would have to ask my brother about that?”
I’ve never found this to be a particularly appropriate response to make when you’re showing family photos to people, but it seems to happen not infrequently.
I think your response is perfectly valid. You might also mention that it’s hard to find infants to adopt in the US. Or tell them it’s none of their business. People can be so rude!
I think your response is perfectly valid. You might also mention that it’s hard to find infants to adopt in the US. Or tell them it’s none of their business. People can be so rude!
It is rude, I admit. But brushing off the question is probably the best approach. In the end, who gives a fuck what they think.
Though I find the question interesting. Lady Chance and I have two small girls (5 and 1) and are considering adopting one or two more children. She doesn’t want to carry any more (40 is looming for both of us) and God knows there’s enough needy kids in the world.
There is no appropriate response that does not lower you to their level (Selenastrum capricornutum or associated life forms).
As one who did adopt locally, it would never occur to me to ask why someone sought kids from overseas. (If you want to be snide (and you know your target), you might ask how many American kids they have adopted.) I still vote for keeping your current response.
“I didn’t realise nationality mattered when it came to being a parent.”
I could come up with dozens of funny responses but then god knows you might offend an ass that made the stupid statement in the first place.
Seriously, WTF goes through people’s minds sometimes? People show me pictures of their kids and sometimes they look like the ass-end of a baboon in heat and the only thing is I say is the generically appropriate “cute kid!”
BobT, One retort that might give some pause and thought: "Our family wanted to give an opportunity to someone who might not otherwise have had that. And we’re so glad to have Baby Yum in our lives! Isn’t it amazing that a needy child from so far away can find a good loving home in the US? "
I would cut people some slack: it’s easy to say something without thinking that COULD be construed as offensive, or it could be construed as simply awkward. For example, when you differentiate between your brother’s “own” children and his “adopted” ones, people could assume that that means that you think somehow the biological children are somehow more “his”. But you don’t mean that–it’s just an awkward subject without a set vocabulary, and so sometimes we say things with implications we don’t mean.
In the same way, people may not be trying to suggest that there was anything WRONG with your brother’s choice, they may just honestly be curious about the process and what options are out there. My sister gave up a daughter in an open adoption, and whenever that comes up, people often have really weird questions, but it’s best to assume that they are honestly curious. If, instead, they are TRYING to make offensive implications, rest assured that they will make those same implications less and less ambigiously as time goes on, revealing their true charecter.
How about just saying “I’d assume that was their personal and private choice” and staring at the person long and hard till they feel reeeeeeeeal uncomfortable.
Jeez some people are rude!
Although I do find it funny when my friends/acquaintances first see a picture of my mum and go ‘wow, she looks nothing like you, have you ever thought you might be adopted?’ to which the only truthful response is ‘actually, I am’. I love the looks on their faces, they are so embarassed and I couldn’t give a rat’s arse!
How can they tell from looking at the kids that they come from another country? Frankly, if you want to ditch your current response, I’d respond to: “Why did they go adopt children from another country? Why didn’t they want to help out children here in the United States?” with: “I don’t understand what you mean.” Over and over again, until they get the point. But then, I’ve never been known for my tact or politeness.