April Sours... (Monthly Mini-Rants)

The weather is now mostly warm enough that I can sleep with the windows open at night, but not so hot that I have to have them closed against the heat. Just perfect transition weather.

But dare I?

Because terrors lurk in the night. Pepe Le Pew. Le Skunke. The Striped Stinker.

It doesn’t happen often, but it happens more often out here in the wilds than other places I’ve lived. Maybe half a dozen times each summer. I don’t know if it’s Pepe Le Pew spraying some innocent foe, or if Pepe was the victim of a roadside fatality. There was such an incident just last night, and I hope it was the latter so that there’s one less of the accursed things. Why does Mother Nature taunt us with delicious fresh air and then invent skunks?*

* It’s purely a rhetorical question. It’s already been established that Mother Nature hates me.

I live in an area of the US that’s still swimming in pollen, and I’m in awe of anyone who’s thinking of opening their windows. I can’t even open my sunroof right now.

Yes, pollen. Lots of pollen. Also tiny little flying bugs that come through any screen. I open the back door (which has a screen) for the cat (mistress of the house) for a few minutes early in the morning, which is all I can stand.

Maybe if you were to call once in a while…

The line is always busy when he dials Area Code (202)…

This is another problem; Mother won’t take my calls!

This is probably why Mother isn’t taking my calls. She’s probably discovered that for years now I’ve been secretly consuming unsalted plant-based margarine instead of her butter {hides furry head between large paws}.

I have some ancient technology that I’m overly attached to, an old Bose sound dock with a lighting connector. It pairs perfectly with my very old iPhone and I use the setup daily for music. It also charges the phone when it’s connected.

I have no desire for a newer phone, I don’t use my phone much….my primary device is a tablet. And I don’t care for the wireless technologies, it’s just one more think to keep charged,

So, a few days ago my music setup started glitching and cutting out on me. I cleaned all the ports, rebooted the sound dock, ran all software updates and rebooted the phone, and changed a couple of settings as per message board advice.

It didn’t fix it. Then I used the phone for music in my car extensively yesterday with no issue so I decided the problem was probably in the Bose unit.

So I did a little research and found a well-reviewed speaker that also doubles as a phone charger and I ordered it. Still uses wireless for the sound, but at least I can charge the phone while I play music.

Apparently, that was the fix……I swear as soon as I hit purchase on that shopping cart my sound system began working properly again and hasn’t cut out since..

Oh well…..the new unit wasn’t very expensive (nothing close to the price of the Bose unit). I’m thinking I’ll keep it in a box near the Bose, and it might act as a magic talisman to keep it working properly.

Sounds like the time our car wouldn’t start when we were leaving for a trip. I slammed my fist on the hood and shouted, “Start, you sunnuvabitch! I don’t have time for this shit!” My wife turned the key and the car started right up/ As I got into the car I muttered, “Damn car knows better than to fuck with me.”

“If you think it’s butter, but it’s not… beat the Hell out of Corporate.”

Heh. Happens all the time to me. A sorting machine starts acting up, so the operator calls for assistance. When I show up, the problem won’t duplicate.

I usually tell the operator that the machine is afraid I’ll start taking parts off and not putting them all back.

I print on my laser printer twice a year. It NEVER works at first and nothing has changed. Subsequent cussing and unplugging ethernet cables always fixes it. I don’t know if cussing is required because I’ve never not done that.

Invective maintenance has a long and glorious history going back to the Ancient Greeks.

I’m going to do an experiment come september when I print again. I usually start cussing while fucking with it. I’m going to try pre-cussing and see if it works first time.

I may want to point out that I’ve started swearing at various bodily parts, mostly my knees and more recently my hips, for not cooperating when I attempt to do things. Unfortunately the results have been less than satisfactory.

Do your body parts print? Maybe you need to add cyan.

I bet they would if they were more toned.

Toner is expensive.

Serious answer with a big dose of technobabble left out:

After that long of a dormancy, whatever networking handshake your printer does with your router will have expired. The process of making the printer wave hello to the router and make friends again doesn’t typically happen on powerup. But interrupting the physical connection by pulling the network cable plug & reconnecting it a few seconds later will do that.

So save the cussing, power on the printer with the network cable unplugged, then once the printer is fully awake, plug the cable back in, wait 20 seconds, and I bet you’ll have miraculous healing and it’ll work first time.

So now the suntan person is talking about tony skin. Very suspicious.