I really appreciate all the responses - it’s very helpful!
I think you’re absolutely right. Upon reflection, I think we made a mistake this year when we told her it was up to her whether she wanted to go for 3s (meeting all goals well) or put in extra credit work to get 4s (exceeding goals substantially) on her report card. As you can guess, she felt 3s were quite sufficient. I have told her that next year she needs to pull out the big guns and strive for the highest grades she can get, because her performance will determine what kind of classes she’s put in for middle school. I told her she wants to get into the challenging classes, because otherwise she’ll be bored to tears. That does seem to motivate her.
This is a great point - I’ll make sure to connect with her fifth grade teacher and ask that s/he kind of hold Chloe’s feet to the fire. I’ll never forget one of my best professors basically refused to give me an A on anything, because she knew I would put in all my effort to get beyond a B. Then she scaled things later for my final grade. It was frustrating as hell at the time but it did force me to use all my smarts.
For years I’ve been trying to be careful about this. I read Nurtureshock, the book from which SpoilerVirgin’s link comes, and I always try to praise effort and persistence, as well as emphasizing that you can actually make yourself smarter by trying things that are hard for you and keeping at them.
I’ve also told her straight out that I’m really glad she has to learn to play the recorder in music class, because she’s not naturally great at it. I said I want her to learn to keep trying something that’s frustrating and hard, and finally get it, because persistence and resilience are two of the most valuable skills one can develop.
Thanks for your input. I’ll give it the consideration it deserves.
I really do appreciate the ideas on this. I know she inherited it from me to one degree or other. I coasted like hell, and even at a prestigious law school, I managed to graduate in the top third of my class while having severe depression, and usually ignoring most of my work until finals week. This approach has ill-prepared me for dealing with real life, and I want to help my kid develop better attitudes and habits early on, because trying to do it in your 30s and 40s is a bitch!
I was a lot like her at 10. Please teach her that it’s OK and even admirable to try something new and fail at it as long as you tried your best.
The lack of excitement jumps out at me. I was finally diagnosed with dysthymia (chronic, low-grade depression) and major depression at 23. Dysthymia often goes undiagnosed because people think the lack of excitement, lack of interest, and disconnected feeling is just part of their personality. You just feel blah about everything. My family would be planning an awesome vacation, and I just couldn’t get excited about it. I’d tell people I’d be excited when I got there. I’d be with a group of people and having fun, but I knew I wasn’t connecting with them the way they were with each other. I still played sports, I still went to sleepovers, there were still things I liked doing, but I felt blah all the time.
She’s young and is probably just going through a phase, but it’s something you might want to keep in mind as she gets older.
Is there any sport or activity that she might find interesting beyond “eh, something mom makes me do?” You might have to look beyond the obvious choices in your community.
I despised music lessons nor did I have any ability beyond what I was forced to have on pain of losing privileges… Baseball I liked “so-so” but in the end I could take or leave it. Art classes: sort of fun but also kind of “meh.” Gmnastics: dropped it, can’t remember why. Girl scouts: too stupid for words. Horses were the one thing I sort of sucked at, but loved so much I didn’t care. That and sleepaway summer camp in general, were the two things I looked forward to all year.
ETA: I have never been diagnosed with depression, and am generally of cheerful mood.
My daughter was like that. Her music lessons, dance lessons, she had little interest and put in minimum effort. Finished high school and went to work. She became a highly successful highly motivated sales person.
My son was the opposite, always highly motivated in music, sports, theatre, socially and went on to get his masters at a fairly young age. He settled for a secure decent paying job and continues to pursue his other more creative passions. I love them both the same.
So either it’s completely normal, or a sign of serious mental illness, or something in between.
Seriously, I don’t think it’s a matter of depression. For instance, she appears to greatly enjoy almost every activity *while *she’s doing it. It’s just that contemplating or even remembering the activity, she’ll be very “eh, whatever.” She does get excited at the prospect of certain things such as trips to amusement parks and parties. Even just playdates with friends. I guess I’d describe it as less anhedonia than negative prospective or retrospective thinking about activities. Does that make any sense?
It does. If you read my story and think, “Eh, that doesn’t sound like my daughter,” then I’m sure you’re right. Reading the extra info you gave makes me think, “Eh, that doesn’t sound like me.” I didn’t greatly enjoy anything. I was just throwing dysthymia out as a possibility based on your first two posts and because it’s easily missed, but it honestly doesn’t sound (to me) like dysthymia because you say she enjoys things and gets excited about upcoming events.
My 10 year old gets good grades, plays a musical instrument, and fights with his older brother for computer time. He also hugs me every morning before he walks into his school.
I was actually worried that he was a little too into PC games (including Minecraft) until he told me he wanted to read the Harry Potter books.
“Yeah, another kid took ‘The Sorceror’s Stone’, so I’ll have to start with ‘The Chamber of Secrets’…” :eek:
"…You know, I* might* just happen to have a hard-copy editions of all of those and I’d love to lend them to you to read under two conditions. First, I need you to take very good care of them while you have them. Second, you must read them in order. Here’s ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’.
Also, it goes w/o saying that every kid is different. Plant the seeds and you’ll get a flower, but you’ll never know what kind beforehand.
If you liked Nurture Shock, the authors have a new book called Top Dog about winning and losing and how to get best effort. You might get some ideas from that.
It sounds like she’s not good at estimating how much she will enjoy an activity, which is pretty common. How many of us have almost skipped enjoyable events because sitting on the couch seemed more appealing?
I find journaling is a good way to combat that. Looking back and articulating why you enjoyed about a day tends to make you remember the good stuff next time something similar comes up.
I didn’t give a shit or put in effort through most of childhood and adolescence. I seem to have turned out OK.
When I started to care, I started being willing to put in the effort. This basically didn’t happen until adulthood, but apparently that wasn’t too late.
ETA: My parents used to joke that my school had a stamp, which they passed from one teacher to the next, that said, “[Rufus] is not living up to his potential.”
Did she have a phase where she did the exact opposite? I did, and then I swung too hard the other direction for a while. Working hard at everything does get exhausting.
While I think the advice on helping her deal with hard work is a good one, be sure to keep it in balance. Not everything is worth your best effort. Priorities are important.
