Are bidets really better than toilet paper?

I’ve been hearing about a growing trend towards these because of the shortage of toilet paper (TP). As a matter of fact my wife bought me a conversion kit several years ago that would turn one of our toilets into one of these because she complained I use too much toilet paper. I have refused to put it in because I thought it was insulting, and yes, I do use a lot of TP because I don’t want SHIT on my fingers! What a monster I must be.

I’m sorry I just don’t get how squirting water up my ass is going to be more effective than wiping it with absorbent toilet tissue. Then, how do I wipe the water off my asshole before I put my pants back on? Or is soap used with a bidet? To me this seems like a butt-hole cleaning method used in France, a country known for different views of hygiene that Americans:

Am I missing out? Sell me on the bidet v toilet paper. Should I install this device my wife bought me?

Sh_t yeah.

I’m a paper guy, and have no intention to change, but if I already owned a bidet, and it fitted my existing toilet, and didn’t have to pay sh-t loads for installing power and water, then abso - bloody - lutely.

Why? Because it’s nice.

I don’t bother to dry; my clothing is absorbent. If my underwear were mylar, that would kind of defeat the point of having underwear.

Water is definitely a better cleanser than paper. Thought experiment: apply Hershey’s chocolate syrup evenly on your face. Wipe one side with TP (use as much as you want), wash the other side with water (use as much as you want). Compare results.
The bidet will save you loads of TP (you just need enough to dry your butt after washing). Go for it.

Some bidet threads already here on The Dope.

2019-06-29 Bidet dreams >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=877943&highlight=Bidet
2018-11-10 I love my bidet! Ever try one? >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=865359&highlight=Bidet
2016-04-06 How to use a bidet >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=789531&highlight=Bidet
2010-09-21 How does a bidet work? >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=579138&highlight=Bidet
2009-04-23 Bidet toilet seat or shower toilet >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=515142&highlight=Bidet
2006-12-20 Ladies: What good is a bidet, nowadays? >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=400998&highlight=Bidet
2005-07-16 How to properly use a bidet. >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=325863&highlight=Bidet
2002-06-03 So, … just how do you USE a Bidet? >> https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=118600&highlight=Bidet

The two most recent threads are Qadgop’s.

Well, let’s see. If you’ve been gardening, and you want to get the dirt off your hands, do you just rub them with a paper towel? Or wash them with soap and water?

wikiHow has this, How to Use a Bidet >> How to Use a Bidet: 10 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

Educational.

I bought a seat bidet for around $600. It is worth every penny. Heated seat. Heated water. Heated blow dryer. Dual nozzle. Absolutely awesome. My wife REALLY loves it.

We have two in our house,one for each toilet. (Ours only have one nozzle.) Decadent luxury for the masses. The nozzles have a button that make the nozzle move rapidly back and forth a bit, but you may still have to move yourself around on the seat a little to reach all necessary areas.

TMI:

I also clench and unclench the rectum repeatedliy so as to further agitate the surface and loosen any remaining bits for the water to wash away. This is very effective.Full disclosure: our bidets don’t always get 100% of everything, so I use one application of toilet paper to dry and also to catch any whispers left over. I wish the water pressure was stronger, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about that.

So, you still need to use TP, but instead of it being used to clean, you use it to dry off, right? I am not seeing how it will save you loads of TP - ISTM you will need at least as much if not more TP to dry off everything as opposed to a wad of TP strategically stroked across a small area. I dunno.

Two squares of TP is plenty to dry off and catch any “whispers” left over. Maybe your normal routine without a bidet only requires two squares, but most people use substantially more.

The seats are cheap and easy to install.

I feel like a bandwagoner, I wanted to get one for the longest time, we were just waiting to move, then everyone bought them and they went out of stock. Amazon even removed the listing of the one I wanted, instead of merely marking it OOS. But I just checked and score! in stock. I’m doing it.

While we’re on TMI, if you’re questioning the utility, then clearly you’ve never dealt with IBS, Crohn’s, etc. Even expensive toilet paper might as well be sandpaper after awhile.

My wife had her gallbladder removed and has frequent bouts of diarrhea. It’s been a godsend for her.

Hmmm, my wife has frequent diarrhea. I wonder if she’d want a bidet? I’ll have to ask her.

If you were in the SW Oklahoma area, I’d invite you over.

The only downside to ours (beside the cost) is the split second of cool water sprayed at your butt. I also had to have someone install a GFCI outlet near the toilet. I think I could have done it but my wife thought it was worth the $75 to have our handyman do it.

Not a doctor but she might need something to bind with excess bike. My doctor prescribed cholestyramine.

Should have been “bile”, missed the edit window.

If you did get shit on your fingers, would you clean them off by wiping them with paper, or would you use water?

Water is a much better cleanser! Bidets will get your butt cleaner, too.

It doesn’t squirt “up your ass”, it squirts at your ass. Water doesn’t go inside your butt with a bidet any more than toilet paper goes inside when you wipe. It cleans off the exterior.

With a little bit of toilet paper. But a lot less than you’d need before. Like, maybe 3-4 squares total.

You are missing out. Everyone I know who installed a bidet marvels that they didn’t do it sooner.

Don’t be offended. It’s not a personal failing to need to wash your butt. Everybody poops, and this is just a better way to clean up afterward than paper.

Of course if you’re dealing with hemorrhoids, you’ll probably want both water and your fingers inside the swelling at least a little bit.

Don’t you need a power outlet by the toilet to install a seat?