Are men responsible for women's happiness or unhappiness?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Full disclosure: I am a divorced father of multiple children. The children’s mother, my ex wife, left me for another man a few years back. They are married now. She knew him before we ever met.

I also had a long distance LTR of a few years that has ended more recently.

I read statistics that women report more unhappiness in LTRs than men do, that most divorces are initiated by women. That women are most happy in the onset of an LTR and that this happiness decreases over time, whereas it is the opposite for a man.

I suppose my ideal is that men and women are equal in the eyes of God, and that we should be able to co-exist in a mutually loving and caring LTR. I do not wish for a stepmom for my children, nor do I particularly want to be a stepdad, as I dislike the way my time with the kids was taken away and someone else installed in a role I had no control over. I would not care to remingle finances except on an opt in basis, where both agree on a particular task. I am kind, a giving lover, and a responsible member of society, and also can have fun (this is not a personal ad!) However, I am not perfect and do make mistakes.

I am trying to plot out my life going forward. I cannot unknow the statistics. I realize that women’s anatomy is different, relationships include sex and that’s a different experience typically for women. Their route to happiness may be more difficult than a man’s. Other things, like women putting pressure on themselves, or women worrying about the opinions of other women, I don’t really see as a man how I can move the needle on that.

I make no demands. If a women can’t easily be happy with me, if few or none can do it long term, I’ll get my needs met the best I can.

But for a example without the genders, consider the Odd Couple. Is Oscar responsible for Felix’s happiness? That was not a sexual relationship but a friendship. But possibly it would be easier for Felix to be unhappy… but is that anyone’s issue but his own? Different people have different expectations, and one person’s opinion, own feelings on happiness or unhappiness don’t allow them to project onto others.

So my honest opinion, as a man, is that in seeking out a peer woman for a LTR, she is more likely to be more unhappy over time than I am. Should I care, or is that her issue, beyond what can be addressed in a mutually respectful relationship?

2

Adults aren’t responsible for each other, they’re responsible to each other.

3

Yes, but there’s nothing preventing one party from being a tougher grader than the other. Or coming up with new ways to be dissatisfied as the relationship progresses.

I am just being honest. I’m a man. I expect this unhappiness issue to be an issue going forward. It was an issue in my LTR as it was with my ex.

Poll a M-F couple after 10 years of a LTR. Ask them how many complaints they have that should be addressed. If the man has 3 and the woman has 11, who’s right? Do they just trade off the top 3 and the woman forgets her other 8? Do we assume the man is shortfalling in the relationship? Is the man really not performing, or is the woman just a tougher, less generous grader?

I am just being honest in what I see in all of these polls and the divorce trends, and what that means to my own future.

4

The therapists I’ve seen over the years all said the same thing: You are responsible for your own happiness. The implication was that I’m not responsible for someone else’s state of happiness.

5

One thing to keep in mind is that people change over time, and those changes can impact their feelings about their LTR regardless of how happy and compatible they were in the beginning.

I am a man, and I ended up divorcing my wife after 5 years because I realized we had both changed. It was both of our first LTRs. Our goals had changed, our lifestyles had changed, and our interests had changed. It’s nobody’s fault, we just changed.

I didn’t know what to expect when I got married, and neither did my wife. It wasn’t my job to keep her happy any more than it was her job to keep me happy. We both found new partners and we are both in stable LTRs.

6

Reading your story, ISTM that your a guy who’s acted in good faith but got burned anyway: by one individual woman. Not wanting a repeat, your recon of the relationship terrain looks to you like a minefield.

I’ve been through that myself, and I won’t invalidate your view. But try one minor shift: instead of asking “can I make you happy?” ask “can you be happy with me?”

7

I’m not of the Ayn Rand mindset when it comes to relationships.

Rather, I tend to believe that you have to do two things:

  • do your best to ensure your own happiness, and
  • figure out what’s important to your partner, and then put an equal or greater amount of your energies into helping that person meet their needs

If a person repudiates the US’s ‘rugged individualist’ trope, then – IMHO – one’s primary relationship is a good place to live that repudiation.

To me, ‘every person for themselves’ is Social Darwinism, and it’s really no way to live. Way too much lose-lose involved.

Y’know how some say that they’ve had either time or money but never both ?

At various stages of my life, I’ve been either a better person than partner or a better partner than person. Right now, I’m probably a better partner than person, but I’ll keep searching for the balance :wink:

8

On average. That does not mean that individual men should avoid getting into LTRs out of fear they’ll cause a woman’s long term unhappiness. Maybe it should get men thinking about how their LTR has evolved over time, but for some men the answer will be “we’re both happier now” and for some “I’m more unhappy even if she’s happy”.

9

Some men are responsible for (i.e. causing) women’s happiness or unhappiness. Some women are responsible for some men’s happiness or unhappiness. You can all work out the other combination of genders. I don’t think the concept of people acting as a unified group based on gender just helps solve any problems.

I’m also not thrilled with the amorphous and malleable happiness/unhappiness state defining a bar for decision making. Some people are willing to endure some unhappiness in order to ensure future happiness. As an example many couples buy their first home and face a couple of years of economic hardship as they adjust to paying a mortgage and being responsible for all the maintenance of their property plus furnishing a larger home. It’s not surprising that one or both of them could become unhappy with a sudden lack of disposable income. Using the happiness standard they would have to dump the house or possibly split up to achieve happiness again in the short term. It may seem easy to understand the concept of delayed gratification but using happiness as an important standard, and as an absolute necessity, can easily erase that message. It’s not hard to look at the world and see how easily people will be swayed by the concept of instant gratification.

10

The ex is a talented woman. She’s also a bulldozer who I was out of my league in dealing with. I did stand up to her, but she operates at another level.

She was voted most creative in her high school class. I have no idea what that was for, but that will probably give you an idea. The guy she left me for was single and available when we married. She didn’t marry him because he was a commitment phobe who couldn’t be relied on to provide her the marriage or children she wanted. He’s fine with being a stepdad now. Plus now she gets to control both of us, which is what she wants.

If you watch the old Star Trek TOS, the Amok Time episode with Spock’s purported bride, T’Pring. My ex was T’Pring and I was Spock. Except I had kids with her and it didn’t matter. She just wants to use others for her own benefit.

My GF situation had a whole host of problems, long distance, I was distant because of my marriage, GF had gotten cheated on as well. Kids at different ages, on and on. Still better because it lacked the dishonesty issues in the marriage. The marriage took too much out of me at the time, though honestly GF had her own issues and we likely would have run aground even if I had more to give.

So maybe the GF is a better takeaway, despite my concerns about ability to bond on both sides of a relationship after damage inflicted by other partners.

11

No, and your ideal doesn’t change reality. Knowing what you know or think you know, plot your life based on that.

12

Was the girlfriend LTR at the same time as the marriage?

13

No, I didn’t meet her until a month or two after my divorce.

14

Each person should do their part in a relationship.

You cannot be responsible for the other person’s happiness but you can certainly improve their prospects for happiness.

While it is not incumbent on you to make a partner happy you can contribute to their daily happiness. You can make a person’s day better or worse so, why not make it better? Compliment them, help them out, hug them, hold their hand, make the bed, carry in groceries…there are a million ways to go about this.

They do not need to be big gestures. Indeed, it is the million little things that add up. None should be considered onerous. If you see it as onerous then there is a problem.

Your partner should be doing the same.

15

I think you should stop thinking in terms of men in general and women in general, and think instead in terms of specific individuals.

You need, or at any rate want, a specific individual who can be happy in a LTR with specific-individual you; and who you can be happy with. One of your requirements for such a person may well be that she be female; but insisting on seeing each individual woman as an example of Women-In-General is unlikely to be doing anybody any good.

16

I think you should have that first sentence printed on cards. I’d be handing them out to a lot of people.

17

No …

18

I wonder how much this has changed, if at all, in the years before and after women have been expected to hold a job and still statistically do the vast majority of looking after tasks in the home and taking care of children.

19

This was my take as well.

20

I once read an essay about divorce that was written in the 1920s; back then, most divorces were also initiated by women BUT the #1 grounds was desertion by the man, and in a large percentage if not the outright majority of these cases, she wasn’t sorry he left because he was abusive and/or had addiction issues.

The kind of couple you describe might well also have had the kind of husband who thought that “SAHM” also meant “free live-in babysitter.”