(This thread is about relationships and marriages in America, not in other countries.)
It seems, in general, that women are less afraid of divorce or relationship-breakup than men.
Women are often the ones to initiate a divorce or breakup. And, in my observation, men tend to take longer to get over a breakup than women, some men even still holding hope that the relationship can be resumed long after the woman has moved on. But, emotionally, heartbreak and disappointment still hit men and women hard alike.
When one takes other practical factors into account, a woman usually has less to fear from divorce than a man; she is likely to get custody and/or alimony. And women are more likely than men to have a social-support network or circle of sympathetic friends to help cope with the aftermath of a divorce or breakup. It is easier for many women to find a new partner than it is for many men to find a new partner. But for many other women, time, age and the biological clock may work against them.
(This thread has to be about men and women in general, not individual couples. In individual cases there are numerous factors and circumstances; i.e., if a woman is deeply in love with a man but he is not really in love with her, then she would fear divorce or breakup more than him. Same vice versa; if a man is deeply in love with a woman but she is not really in love with him, then he would fear divorce or breakup more than her).
Of course. Women are much more likely to end up poor after a divorce than a man is, so her worries will be financial at least.
Yes, but there is the likelihood of receiving alimony.
This hasn’t been a guarantee for a while. Child support is much more common and that isn’t intended to enrich the spouse.
But the data is pretty clear, on average women lose out financially from divorce and pretty significantly so.
Women do often lose out financially after a divorce. But as stated, they often have a stronger emotional support system, which helps tremendously.
Also, for many relationships, even overall egalitarian ones, the woman ends up doing more of the household work. So after the divorce, the woman might be relieved about only having to take care of one adult instead of two, and lower amounts of laundry and cleaning and everything else. While the man who hasn’t had to do as much cooking and cleaning for years, now has the added stress of doing all of that.
I think many women constantly analyze and reassess their relationships, discuss them with friends and family, etc. Many men tend to just find a reasonably happy relationship and settle into a rut. I think in your average relationship by the time a woman breaks up with a man she has convinced herself very well that it’s the best thing to do.
Alimony is temporary, and rarely a windfall. Unless you are a couple for which there is a substantial estate to divide (and therefore probably should have had a prenup), alimony is a stop-gap.
Truly, for 95% of Americans who are living paycheck to paycheck (or worse, going into debt every month), divorce is financially ruinous for both parties.
For most people divorce is like a death. It is the death of your relationship. Most people, men and women, will grieve the loss of that relationship. It is a reflection of their failure to even make a marriage work. Those feelings are not universally male or female, they are common across both genders.
I’m a widow, and losing my husband was gut wrenching and awful, but in many ways I think it was easier than the path taken by my divorced friends. At least with a death there’s closure, and you are never faced with the type of self-analysis you go through when you divorce (what did I do? what didn’t I do? why wasn’t I enough?, etc.). You don’t have the constant tug of war over raising the children, you don’t run the risk of seeing your ex with another partner, and you are generally ok if not great financially as long as there was decent life insurance in place.
I’ve dated a little since my husband passed and I’ve seen met some people who are terribly damaged by their divorces, to the point where the cloud hanging over them envelops everything and everyone around them. It’s incredibly sad.
On the other hand, I’ve met people who seem barely affected at all, which to me is much harder to understand. Perhaps if you never had a lot invested, you have less to lose. Either that or you have such tremendous self confidence that divorce doesn’t put a dent in it.
I think the women I know who are in their first marriage are more frightened of divorce than women who have been through it once before. The opposite seems to be true for men. Those who have been through one seem frightened at the prospect of a second one.
This might explain male reluctance.
I work in a family law practice. It’s true that by the time a wife contacts a lawyer, she’s usually made up her mind. Men tend to second-guess things, whether it’s out of hope that the marriage can survive, fear of financial loss, or both. Overgeneralizing here, but I do think men are more willing to stay in unhappy situations. And while both men and women cheat, I’ve seen quite a few husbands admit to affairs and general bad behavior but still claim to have not seen the divorce coming at all.
I LOLed…
Thanks I needed it today.
Sometimes, men are reluctant to leave a bad marriage because they are afraid of losing their children (and this is a legitimate concern even nowadays). However, a lot of the time, as long as he has a live-in maid, babysitter, and sex partner, he doesn’t really care if anyone else is happy or not. :dubious:
If you’re a woman, and a man tell you that he didn’t see his divorce coming, RUN. Trust me on this.
I’ve been told many times by people who have experienced both that being widowed is MUCH more painful than getting divorced. It’s a different kind of pain, but it’s a lot worse.
And I have NEVER had a divorced woman tell me IRL that single parenthood is harder - NOT ONCE. I’ve had them tell me that online, however. While household income may go down for a woman after a divorce, her standard of living frequently rises because she’s no longer financing addiction or other financial irresponsibility.
I was raised to believe that most divorces are entirely the husband’s fault, and at that time, it was probably true. That’s not so much the case nowadays, and I will admit that as a woman, I’m more likely to only hear the woman’s side of the story. You can say to a man, “I’d have to hear the other side” but you cannot say that to a woman.
My WAG would be that most women who contact a divorce second-guessed and overanalyzed and all that - but for years beforehand. By the time they call up your office, that’s behind them.
I think it’s easier, even now, for a man to just kinda show up at home, but not really be invested in the marriage. Maybe his ‘real’ life is his job, or the times he spends drinking and watching football with his buddies, or in a series of extramarital affairs, or whatever. And he may not feel that anything’s ‘wrong’ with the marriage, so long as they’re both going through the motions. Women have a harder time disengaging like that.
As others have said, by the time divorce hits the woman has usually devoted far more time to thinking about it than the man. I’ve known several men who were totally caught off guard by their wife wanting a divorce. Do women get caught off guard like that, at least as often? I’d assume a woman would be more likely to notice the cracks that lead to divorce.
Factor in that it is easier for women to ask for financial and social support from friends and family afterwards, and that women have more dating options, and that the legal system in divorce is biased in favor of women regarding assets and custody and I assume they would generally recover better.
It’s not really a bias in favor of women. My particular jurisdiction favors the psychological parent, or the parent who spends the most time with the kids and whom the kids see as their primary caretaker. In a majority of cases that happens to be the mother, but I have seen fathers win primary custody on that basis too.
Which brings up a side effect of woman who most likely have thought the divorce process through way before things start happening divorce wise.
The whole time, the woman has been telling others how the marriage is failing. If the man is lucky it still at least resembles reality (but even then he is probably coming off badly and she’s getting out the bad press about him first and more often). And, IMO much more likely, the man is coming off as the real dick in the story ( I mean, what woman is going to go around telling how her marriage is failing but its HER fault). And at worst, she’s gonna be the victim big time and he’s gonna be the biggest ass since Hitler.
Meanwhile, the man is probably at best doing a bit of complaining to a few close friends about things not working out.
So, when the shit DOES hit the fan, the man has a buttload of bad press to overcome. He’s starting way on the wrong side of the PR curve right there.
Note, all the above is IMO and is speaking to what I think happens ON AVERAGE.
My ex pulled the bad version of this. There were plenty of outright lies spread about. And by that I don’t mean “he wasn’t as caring/whatever as he should have been” kinda subjective stuff… I mean “he did thing X that illegal/immoral/mean spirited/nasty” that was either objectively true or false and it was fucking false.
Which is a shame, because had she not pulled that, there might have still been some glimmer of civility left. Now? She could be dying a lingering death and ask me to come see her in the hospital one last time. And I wouldn’t go.
I took divorce much harder than my wife however I recovered within a couple of years to about normal while she seemed to be running scared still. My life turned out much better because I made better choices. I can honestly say what hurt me the worst was watching her destroy herself financially and moraly. She worked very hard and deserved a better ending than what she got. We probably should not have divorced as we simply hit a bump in the road and were both extremely stubborn. I still carry some guilt over this.
“Better ending?” Sounds sad. 
**stillownedbysetters **wrote my post for me, word for word.
Whaddya mean, you can’t say that to a woman? :dubious: