Are parents "sacrificing" for their children? What exactly does that mean?

Great Debates
1

I don’t have any children but I’ve been sorting through my feelings about starting a family and one topic that’s still unresolved in my mind is this concept of “parental sacrifice.” I hope I don’t ever feel that way when I raise my kids. I’m not sure there is even a legitimate reason for it.

Let me give you starting mental framework where I’m coming from:

Imagine an armed bank robber holds up a bank and takes a teller as a hostage. He plans to shoot her dead but at the last minute, he decides to let her go. Did that bank robber “save” her life? Maybe you could say he “spared” her life but I don’t think the media or any logical person would characterize it as “saving” her life as if the robber was a hero. Of course, the robber can’t “save her life” because he created the situation that put her in mortal danger in the first place!

Now to extend that scenario to parenthood… Regardless of whether the conception was planned or an accident, you brought your children into this world. In other words, you created the situation where you need to take care of a child. At this point, could anything you do be a considered a “sacrifice”? Giving up your career? Giving up your weekend golfing games? Providing your kidney to transplant? Are any of these really sacrifices?

To me, “parental sacrifice” would be something like a childless sister(aunt) of the kids who became guardian of the kids because the parents were suddenly killed in a car crash. The sister may have had other life plans (climb a mountain, join the circus, whatever) and now her life is on hold because of her unexpected family responsibilities.

I guess all these paragraphs are a long winded version of:
Parent: “Look what all I’ve done for you blah blah blah”
Child: “I didn’t ask to be born!”

So if you are a parent, do you feel you’re sacrificing for your children? What are you sacrificing? And did the “sacrifice” arise out of a situation you created? Would you not think it was not a sacrifice if your child behaved differently (e.g. appreciated it more) or your life situation were different (e.g. you were a billionaire.)

Or is logic unusable in this case and I will inevitably feel that I’m sacrificing for my children? Therefore, it is human to accumulate these feelings and just try my best not to resent my children for it.

2

One suspects you have a rather twisted view of parenthood.

Parents do sacrifice for their children. Just because you have them doesn’t mean much. Plenty of people happen to have kids. Parents take care of theirs. They could put them up for adoption. They could simply neglect them. And most parnts sacrifice in much more positive ways. They spend lots of time with their kids. They take an interest in their children’s education and see too it that they do well in sports.

That you would even consider comparing this to a bank robber letting some rando schmoe go is pretty freaky.

3

Maybe I have this ideal vision of what a parent should be (what I hope to become), and that idea is unattainable. In other words, I’m thinking in my mind that I’ll do all I can for my kids and I won’t think it’s a sacrifice; and it’s never a sacrifice because they are my kids and I want them. I’m wondering if it’s unrealistic for a human being to maintain this outlook while raising kids for 20 years.

I suspected this might get into semantics and sliding scale of what is “normal” vs “sacrifice”. Wouldn’t many parents simply regard all the positive things you listed as “normal” parenting? Maybe not “normal” in a statistical sense but at least in a moral sense.

4

Do you want to argue definition or concept? If you simply decide you are not going to alow the word “sacrifice” to be applied in any context where the person putatively sacrificing created or shaped the situation, you’ve won your argument.

It’s true children do not ask to be born. The average decision is to continue living, however, even though we all have a choice not to. It’s a reasonable proposition that most folks are happy to have been given the chance to have a life.

All parents who participate in raising their children have a range of options. Many of those options put the interests of the children ahead of the interests of the parents. Most good parents I’ve met understand that their children did not ask to be born, and part of their calculus in putting their children first includes that fact. Such parents readily put their children first with no expectation of any return as a requisite to considering the child first. I doubt they care whether or not anyone considers such a prioritization to be a “sacrifice.” Most parents I know consider it a duty and a privilege. They aren’t interested in whether or not anyone considers them martyrs even when a narcissistic kid wants to make sure they know they are not “sacrificing” because they created the situation in the first place.

5

That’s the thing that flies out the window once you actually ARE a parent - there IS no “normal”.

It drives mothers nuts, all the time. There’s no manual, no guidebook, no grades. One day the kids are delightful, the next month they’re a pain, and WHO KNOWS if the methods you’re using are going to show good results in 15 years.

Each day with kids there are dozens of choices to be made. And no right answers.

AND – even if there WERE right answers (which some people think there are, if they’ve found a book or some authority who tells them so), you seriously COULD NOT do all of them right, all the time. It’s impossible.

My best mothering day and my friends’ best mothering day are vastly different. I hope that my version of “good” happens to be what my kids need, but I don’t actually know.

Re: sacrifices – well, I agree in a way. Kids don’t ask to be born, it’s really not fair to resent the work they represent.

OTOH, raising children, if you care about doing a good job, is SO much work. It is unbelievable how much work it is. It’s a joyful burden, a privilege, a blessing - but OMG it’s so much work.

The thing that blew my mind when I held my babies for the first time is, I was choosing to fall in love with them. It was a gift from me. Lots of people say babies are inherently lovable but I don’t think it’s true - for the first couple of weeks, they’re pretty unappealing. Screaming at full volume, sleeping at odd hours, and they don’t smile at all.

6

It is semantics- because it doesn’t mean the parents don’t think the sacrifice was worth it. But it still is something that was given up- whether it was time or money. In many cases, the benefit to the kids isn’t absolutely necessary. I didn’t have to send them to private school, I didn’t have to send them to camp, I didn’t have to plan the sort of vacations they liked rather than the ones I like. I don’t resent them for it , I don’t expect them to thank me constantly, and I don’t expect them to give up their adult lives to make me happy. I expect one thing only in return- I expect them to do the same for their own children

7

Yes I do, unequivicoally, sacrifice for my children. Every Hallow’s Eve, usually in the form of a black cockarel, though a fluffy white bunny rabbit will do as well. Tell the truth, the kiddos like to see me do it with the bunny rabbit.

Just to throw another semantic monkey wrench into the works . . .

8

I don’t see parenthood as giving anything up it’s just a change in lifestyle. I have never used the word sacrifice in regard to raising children ever, and certainly never would to my children.

Having kids doesn’t mean the end of life as you know it either.

9

That’s interesting. That differs from my experience entirely. When my son was born, I involuntarily gasped the instant I saw his face, and immediately felt that I loved and needed to protect him. I was all weepy for like 2 days. I don’t think there was any choice or effort involved at all.

Of course you sacrifice things for your kids, if by sacrifice you mean having to give up things that you previously enjoyed. But (even though I joke about it sometimes), I have never felt like it wasn’t worth it. And the question of whether it has been worth the sacrifices is not really even any kind of question at all. The answer is obvious without even thinking about it.

I now believe that being a parent is just one of those things you really can’t understand until you do it. It’s just like the old “you’ll understand when you’re older” speech you hear as a teenager. When someone says that to you, you think it’s bullshit, because you can’t imagine that you don’t already know how everything works. But when you get older, you realize you didn’t “get it” at the time after all, and it turns out you were just a stupid kid.

10

I no longer believe a child “didn’t ask to be born.” Some of that is my spiritual belief, but in a very practical sense, children love life, at least when they’re young. They wake up smiling, and ready to live. They fly through their day, they wail when they have to nap, because it’s 30 minutes of not living. They learn, they express, they enjoy life, and they complain and kick and scream about going to bed and not living again for another 8 hours.

Look at the videos of smiling kids in war torn countries. They love life. Their life may fucking suck by our standards, but they find joy and happiness in it anyway.

That baby kicking my bladder asked to be born. Not in words, but his actions said, “Hey, let me outta here! I want to run and jump and play!”

OTOH, you’re right. The “look what all I’ve done for you” argument is stupid and pointless. Kids are bizarre creatures with massive entitlement issues. “Of COURSE you did all that for me, Mom, I’m ME! Why on earth wouldn’t you?” Then, of course, it turns into “Well, I never asked you to make those sacrifices,” because teens don’t understand the long-term impact of their parent’s choices for them any more than they understand why having a party while their parents are gone could possibly go wrong.

Yeah, I’ve sacrificed a lot for my kids. I don’t begrudge any of it, and of course it was all my choice. But that’s what a sacrifice is. If you don’t value it and you don’t give it willingly, it’s not sacrifice. It’s theft or rape or violation. Sacrifice is choosing to give up something you desperately love or desire, in order to have something even better.

11

Having kids means giving lots of stuff up, but you get so much more that it is a good bargain. Sure you don’t say that to them, but one gives up sleep,. freedom and money. (Both my kids are grown, so I’ve come out the other side of parenting.)

I don’t know what the OP would consider a legitimate sacrifice. We could have forced our kids to go to a state school, or we could have made them take out loans, but we chose to pay for their college so they’d start out in life debt free, like my wife and I did. I guess that counts as a sacrifice, but maybe it is an investment.

12

I have one out of the house and one in high school. I understand the realitys of parenting quite well. I just don’t believe ‘sacrifice’ is the appropiate way to think about it.

13

I think it’s not if you think sacrifice is something to guilt people over. That’s the most common way I’ve seen it used: Hand on forehead, clutching the back of the kitchen chair, gasping, “If only you knew…all that I’ve sacrificed for you!” It’s an obvious ploy for thanks, or for repayment or gratitude, and it’s rather pathetic.

OTOH, as an adult, I’ve thanked my mother for the sacrifices she willingly chose to make for me.

Like I said, if it’s not done willingly, and it’s not something you’d like to keep or do, it’s not a real sacrifice, IMHO. If your kid steals your wallet, you’ve not sacrificed your money. If you choose to spend money on your children that you’d like to spend on yourself, you’ve made a sacrifice for them. If your kid takes the last orange and you don’t like oranges, it’s not a sacrifice. If you love oranges, and you give the last one to your kid, it’s a sacrifice (albeit a small one, of course.)

14

I think putting someone’s welfare ahead of our own is the basis of spiritually is there is any such thing.

It’s obvious doing and getting whatever we wish and getting our own way all the time is not good for us. Hence, raising children is beneficial to our well being.

15

I absolutely want my kids to understand we’ve made sacrifices - given stuff up - in order to have them. I want to impress upon them how much responsibility CHOOSING to be a parent is. That I willingly gave up stuff in order to do that - but some of that stuff I gave up was pretty neat and that was why we didn’t have them until later in life.

I’m not fond of my kids having kids while they are kids - and in my mind one of the ways to discourage that is the idea that you DO sacrifice for your kids.

  1. the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

I gave up sleep when they were little. Going out with friends for years. Golf. Trips. Loud sex. The ability to spend a lot of money on things I wanted instead of what they wanted. Restaurant choices that didn’t have fries on the menu. A flat stomach and breasts and ass where it was. A tidy home. The ability to lie in bed sick without anyone bugging me. Three years of being able to pee in private. Trips to Europe. The ability to vacation on something other than the school schedule. And mine are only elementary school age. I know coming up is years of giving up evenings for gymnastics practice or soccer (that’s already started), probably giving up sole use of my car. Giving up more sleep while I wonder why they aren’t home yet.

They absolutely have a higher, more pressing claim on my time, money and organizational skills. It wasn’t an unwilling sacrifice. It wasn’t a sacrifice I didn’t create and take on. But I DID give them up.

16

Oh, and it doesn’t end. My mother has made more trips half way across the country to help my sisters in the past two years - her time, her energy, her gas money or money for airfare - WILLINGLY sacrificed to help my sisters. My mother is in her sixties, and my baby sister is 35.

17

Sacrifice is in the eye of the beholder, but if you never gave anything up for your kids, I wish I had met you 26 years ago tomorrow. :slight_smile:

18

That’s a great point. Having kids on TV consists only of dealing with the kids when it leads to a joke - the kids vanish mysteriously when inconvenient to the plot.

But a sacrifice is a sacrifice whether it is announced or not. I’m sure in the old days not everyone wore “I gave a sheep for Baal” buttons after the ritual, but they still lost the sheep.

19

That drove me nuts about Everybody Loves Raymond. WTF did they DO with those twins all the time? Those adults spoke in complete paragraphs! Complete coherent paragraphs, without interruption! Absolutely unreal.

20

I guess I would think of sacrificing for one’s children as saying you have a limited pool of resources (money, time,…), which could be spent one way or another. In one way, your kids are taken care of so you’re doing your basic duty toward them, but not enriching their lives as much as you could because you are spending more of those resources on yourself. Sacrificing for your kids may mean shifting some of the finite set of resources toward your children and doing without for yourself.

Yes, this is a basic obligation when you choose to have children, but it may be a matter of the degree to which you shift resources. For example, my parents decided that having children meant being frugal and saving for an education because they felt that was a requirement for having a child and sending it out into the world. They could have splurged more on themselves along the way (although in my father’s case, I think that may be genetically impossible anyway) while still meeting the basic requirements for supporting a child.