What about the two old guys Statler & Waldorf?
As a kid, it seemed pretty obvious that Mokey and Red from Fraggle Rock were more than “just friends.”
Of course, I also spent many a happy hour dissolving creatures with a Mad Scientist™ Monster Lab. I was a weird kid. 
We’re talkin’ about a whole species of critter that doesn’t really come alive until someone jams an arm up their butts.
How straight could ANY of them be?
anyone who says “muppets wouldn’t have sex” or any such thing, are thinking of sesame street and don’t remember the old show or the movies.
Oh, come on. They always have hands up their asses, but that’s strictly for puppetry purposes.
I mean, you never hear them cooing about the size of the particular arm inserted into the muppethole, do you?
Muppethole.
I like that word. Muppethole.
I mean, if the word “muppet” wasn’t copyrighted, that’d be a band name, right there, don’cha think?
And I suppose if you or I spent our entire workday with someone’s arm jammed up our butts to the elbow, we would become quite blase about it, too, while we spouted our silly dialogue and explained how the show was brought to us today by the number 3 and the letter Q…
Hm. In fact, if you use the phrase “spent the entire workday with someone’s arm jammed up our butts to the elbow” metaphorically, that could describe any number of jobs I can think of…
When Jim Henson died, I figured his career could be summed up in two ways:
- He spent his life educating and entertaining millions of children as well as adults.
or
- He spent most of his life with his hand up a frog’s ass.
Folks, I think we need to be true to the Muppets.
Neither Bert nor Ernie are gay. They are asexual.
Dr Honeydew Bunsen and his assistant Beaker, however, are gay. It is only Beaker’s love which has sustained Bunsen through his many failures. Beaker is willing to put up with all the explosions, monster attacks, etc because he loves Bunsen so much. I cite the last Muppet Christmas special in which Kermit’s guardian angel (David Arquette) shows Kermit what it would be like if he had never been born. The Muppet Theater is instead a club. Beaker is the very buff bouncer, wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves removed and a spiked dog collar.
Piggy used to engage in marathons of autoerotic activity while gazing in a mirror (‘Who could I possibly fantasize about who is more fabulous than moi?’). Then she met Kermit. In most of her life Piggy really takes charge. Not surprisingly, she is a sexual submissive. In the boudoir, Piggy shrugs off the responsibilities of life and obeys the will of Master Kermit. Both are strictly monogamous. Piggy has never seen any one who can compare to her Kermy. Kermit is an old fashioned one-woman frog (‘For the last time, no! I came into this store to get a gift for my girlfriend! Whom I love! Doesn’t commitment or fidelity mean anything anymore? Now ring up gold-plated handcuffs and the anal intruder mark V and I’ll be on my way!’).
As has been mentioned Gonzo is in love with Camilla, the chicken. During his childhood he attempted to deny these feelings and pursue Piggy as a romantic object (This was well documented in The Muppet Babies). However, he has come to accept his desires for hot poultry sex. Whether Camilla is inteligent enough to understand the relationship is a topic of some debate, she does enjoy the sex. A few individuals have stumbled upon the pair as they coupled. This has led some to suggest that Gonzo should give up stunts and simply lay his hen on stage. Gonzo reacts violently to these suggestions, insisting that Camilla is a lady.
Statler and Waldorf are straight. But, as with the rest of their lives, they derive pleasure only from the unhappiness of others. They use their wealth to hire prostitutes for the most degrading of games. Though none of these can be described fully on this board, some of the duo’s favorites involve golden showers, childrens wading pools filled with raw sewage, or farm animals(‘So, you won’t do it? Fine, we’ll pay double. Still too disgusting? Fine, triple’ ‘I never knew why people say you can’t put a price on dignity. We just did! Hah!’). Should a girl begin to bore them, they contract one last performance, secretly videotape it, then mail the tape to her family.
Dr Teeth is a heterosexual. Between the groupies attracted by his music, and his level of sheer coolness, Dr Teeth has a lot of sex.
I agree with the above assessment of Janis. ‘Like, my first time was in college. One of my sorority sisters was helping me practice my shiatsu. And, I felt, like these strange new urges, know what I mean. And then, like we started making out. And I realised I was totally bi.’
The normal sentient brain has many segments. Animal’s has four-eating, smashing, playing the drums, and women. Several episodes of the original Muppet Show have Animal bursting his chains in pursuit of a female, while screaming “Woman! Woman! Woman!” Janis is also sleeping with Animal. ‘We’re not, like in a relationship. It’s just that pent up sexual desire is such totally bad chi. Also, he’s hu-u-u-u-u-ge.’
The Swedish Chef has never been seen pursuing a romantic relationship. When drinking, he does sometimes take a picture of a nondescript woman out of his wallet, kiss it, and discuss it at length. The woman is clearly a Swedish muppet. But no one is sure whether ‘Cheers blorgy smurjan fligga’ is ‘mother’ ‘wife’ ‘girlfriend’ or ‘don’t I look great in drag?’.
There was an episode of The Muppet Show where the good doctor had invented some sort of milking machine. Beaker got his hair caught in it and ended up with a head full of long, lovely curls.
After seeing what had happened, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew said, “Why, Beaker, you look hauntingly attractive this evening.”
I’d like to remind everyone that Waldorf, at least, is married. His wife’s name is Astoria (and she appeared on the Muppet Show once).
Strangely, though, she bears a great resemblance to Statler. I leave the rest as an exercise for the reader…
Rumors that Guy Smiley is abducting muppets to make a muppet-skin suit are unsubstantiated.
“It rubs the lotion on its fur. It does this whenever it’s told.”
Because, of course, all nudists are bisexual.
I don’t think any Muppets are gay, but I know Brian Henson sucks.
I’m not saying he’s gay, but my this guy who used to be friends with my cousin was in New Yorkon business. One night he got back to the hotel kinda late, and there was this raggedy, drunk old pig laying in the elevator, and he offered my cousin’s friend oral sex.
Who was the pig? Well, apparently he bore a remarkable resemblence to Link Hogthrob.
Again, I’m not saying he’s gay, or that it was even him, this is just what my cousin told me.
Happy
Link Hogthrob’s favorite song is Dancing With Myself.
The implications…
My brain has just pretty much shut down with horror at the image except for a tiny part which is now dancing to the soundtrack of “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert”.
Oh good. Look what you and stpauler have done. I’ve just undressed a Muppet with my eyes.
My shame is complete.
The feeling of pride that gives me is beyond the capacity of language to describe.
Rickjay I understood stpauler to be using that quote not to claim that all nudists are bisexual. But as proof that Janis following of various gurus and use of many mind-expanding substances, has led her to like, ya know, transcend the sexual mores imposed on her by her like, sweet but totally borguise parents. So if she wants to walk around naked, like the body is a temple, and your hangup is so totally your problem and not mine. And If she wants to make love to another woman to worship Gaia, or like just because she sees an awsome babe at a Phish concert, well like it’s her body man and she can share with whoever she wants.
Anyone whos is a supporter of Bin Laden , is suspect.
Declan
No edit , so …
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,36218,00.html
Declan