In this thread on fraternities/sororities, several of us mentioned that we aren’t joiners. I’d never heard anyone else mention the term until this thread, so it made me curious if other people feel the same way.
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to join organizations, clubs, whatever. I’ve never, ever felt comfortable with them, and I inevitably drop out. Whether it’s a writer’s workshop, a social club of some sort, or even a church, I’ve never felt like I belonged with a group of people who identified as such in some way. I don’t even think I’d be comfortable becoming part of a group who regularly hung out at a gaming store, or some other informal club.
Oh yes, I do have troubles. I know it’s because I moved a lot as a child, and never really had a solid base of friends, nor a “hometown” to feel comfortable in. I always felt like I was trying to join & to fit in.
I don’t join - but not because I don’t feel comfortable doing so. I don’t join because, usually I am not willing to commit to showing up week after week.
I guess there is also a small part of the “not fitting in” thing. But by that I mean, most of the time people who are *that *into something are annoying - or at least I find them so.
I don’t join - but not because I don’t feel comfortable doing so. I don’t join because, usually I am not willing to commit to showing up week after week.
I guess there is also a small part of the “not fitting in” thing. But by that I mean, most of the time people who are *that *into something are annoying - or at least I find them so.
No, I’m not a joiner, I’m more of an avoider. I haven’t belonged to any clubs or associations as an adult, and I wasn’t real crazy about the ones I didn’t have any choice about joining when I was a kid. I’m not aware of there being any clubs for the things that interest me. If there were any, I tend to think, as Khadaji mentioned, that people who are so into a thing that they’d start a club for it, would be pretty annoying. I know Beatles collectors are. Nowdays, I hardly ever mention it to anyone.
Interesting. In the 15 years between the ages of 3 and 18 (when went into the army and still moved a lot), I lived in 32 different places. Always the “new kid in school.”
I always wondered if it was this the reason for my not wanting to join anything, or whether it is an inherrent thing. Or both. I suspect, from the other posters, that the moving was not the prime cause of this feeling. Some of use are just “outsiders” and can be perfectly comfortable with that without being anti-social.
Oh, yeah, once I did joint the Book of the Month Club. But I quit.
The feeling of “not belonging here” is a default setting for me. I have joined many groups, and nearly all of them have not worked out.
When I joined the Men’s Garden Club, they pounced on me. I was appointed program director, in charge of setting up speakers for the coming year’s meetings. That was my first and last meeting.
I’ve tried being a joiner, but it’s very rare that I come across any kind of group I’m interested enough in to actually parcipate in or stay in.
And usually if I do join, I end up leaving pretty soon because it feels like there’s no point for me to be there.
The last thing I joined was a Firefly e-mail group, and I left after about a week because 90% of the posts were talking about going to see serenity for the 50th time. It just seriously wierded me out and I eventually left.
I used to be a lot into a couple groups, but around 9/11, I got really fed up with their views on the matter and quit.
I was once invited to join a club, by some friends of my sister.
I responded “Sure, I’ll join as long as I don’t have to pay dues and I don’t have to attend meetings”. He was dumbfounded but that’s pretty much my standred response.
I’m a joiner. I like the company of other people. I find idle chatter a pleasant way to pass the time. I live in a tiny town and recently joined a knitting/needlework club. There are several things I like about it.
Something to do every thursday night if I want to get out of the house. I live on a farm miles from the nearest neighbor and sometimes I get a little stir crazy. (A trip to Target is a very exciting outing for me at this point.)
Information-sharing with other enthusiasts. Everyone in my group is kind of hardcore (some of them spin their own wool) so there a lot to learn. I’ve already found out about some great catalogs I didn’t know about and gotten some great ideas for projects I had never considered.
Opportunity to show off “secret” projects. A lot of my projects go to gifts so I have to hide them from the recipient. But I can show them off to my club and revel in the sense of accomplishment.
Meet new people. Hard when you live in a rural area and you don’t just “bump into” people or see them on the street. Through my club I recently met a couple of really nice women my age who just moved to the area. That literally doubles the number of my-age friends I have.
I’d have to say of the reasons I listed “something to do” and “meeting people” are probably the biggest. I can craft at home but I’d go crazy looking at my four walls day in, day out with only horsecrazy 12 year old girls for company. One of my personal sayings is “you can’t meet new people doing the same old things.” It is important to me to have a social circle of like-minded people, which is not easy sometimes when you grew up a liberal urbanite in Brooklyn and now live in a rural, agricultural part of Virginia. Joining groups and taking part in activities is the main way I identify a social circle.
All these things poeple are complaining about – membership dues, obligations, compromises, loss of independence. I can’t relate. I’ve never belonged to a club that required those things. I suppose they’re out there and, apparently, not much fun.
I spent much of my life as a nonjoiner. I’ve recently become more of a joiner. I think in part because the random people life was throwing at me were not providing me with many friends, it helped for me to start fishing in a slightly more suitable pool.
I think the fact that my family did not support me in joining stuff made me not develop it as a habit. Sounds a little like whining, but when you’re a kid if you want to join things you do need rides, your parents to take their turn as chaperones, etc. For some reason me having structured activities was not something my family valued, even though other members of the family were in groups, sometimes pretty dedicated to them. I read a lot!!! And listened to the radio and wandered the mall.
As far as problems in joining groups, yes, the people can be very annoying sometimes. Complaining about dues, I don’t necessarily find that all that legitimate. It depends on how much they are and how they’re used, of course. But some groups will give you good value for your money, you can have economies of scale and get access to things you wouldn’t otherwise have available. Things you do informally or by yourself, such as go to a movie, cost money, too.
The real key I think that drives me to join now is that as a student, there were generally activities around which we’d structure our time together. We’d get together to do something. A lot of people “grew out” of that, and adult get togethers seem to revolve around drinking something, maybe eating something, talking about what we’ve bought lately or what media product we’ve consumed. That tends to bore me until my teeth ache, so by joining groups there’s generally an agreement that we will DO something, and an established non-trivial subject of conversation.
(I didn’t realize this thread was still popping up. Thanks for all the responses!)
My problem always seems to be whenever I start to feel obligations for the group, whether it’s making weekly meetings, or being there for something specific, or whatever. I get edgy and nervous, and I start to feel resentful of the group. Eventually I drop out. If it’s informal, like a regular D&D game, I’m okay with it, so long as I don’t feel too many obligations are piling up.
<shrink hat on [IANAS]>
Why do you feel this stifling sense of obligation? Are people actually pressuing you or do you presume that excessive obligations will follow after a certain period of time?
<SH off>
I forgot to add: I’m a joiner but not much of a team player. I am comfortable and adept at working in groups, but when significant academic, work-related, or athletic achievements are on the line, I prefer to work alone. I’ve felt this way since I was a small and very outgoing child. Strange, huh?
Nope. People in large groups tend to drop in IQ to the lowest common denominator and that worries me.
That sounds snobbish… it’s not really the IQ thing. It’s just the group think mentality that sets in. Ultimately it comes down to having to compromise way too much and not be free to make your own decisions without appearing as if you’re not a team player. Which of course you’re not… if you don’t join. :dubious:
I’m talking in circles here… shutting up now. :smack:
I am extremely individualistic. I don’t like situations where I have to compromise with groups of people, agree to ideas that I really don’t, and develop personality conflicts with people just because we are in the same “club”. Truth be told, I never see the point and it never occurs to me to join anything. I am glad that other people do it but its not for me. I am pretty quiet but not all that anti-social. I usually like addressing people individually even in a group setting though.
Like someone above said, that doesn’t mean that I am not a team player. At my consulting job, they have delegated me as the tutor and guide person for the employees that need guidance or teaching. I will stay late to help them and I contribute to the team in great ways. However, my contributions are individually based even when they are part of a group and that is what is important to me.
