I’m 51 and a straight white male (for whatever that may be worth), and I find myself far more openly emotional than I was 15 years ago. I’m not really sure that it’s part of getting older, however. I’m also not sure whether I am in fact more emotional, or just not so invested in keeping up a wall of cool indifference like I used to do. I can sometimes be brought to tears by a news story, a movie, or even a song – not that this was impossible in my youth, but crying was an extremely rare event. If I had to guess I’d say less than once a year. I do recall there were other times when I felt teary, but wouldn’t allow myself to go there.
I’m very interested in hearing your thoughts on your own emotional behavior, and how you think it might relate to your age or gender or orientation, or whatever else.
I’m much more direct than I used to be. In other words, if something upsets me, I’m much more likely to speak up to get the behavior to stop before I get so wound up I explode. So, on the one hand, I’m more expressive than I used to be - i.e., more likely to *tell *someone I’m upset - but this has the side benefit of allowing me to get something off my chest before my emotions become so intense they’re a problem, such as prevent me from communicating effectively.
At this point in my life, getting truly furious or depressed is a luxury I can’t afford because it sets an example I don’t want my children to emulate. Also, since I very rarely raise my voice (I think I’ve yelled maybe twice this year), when I do, it has a much stronger effect than if I flew off the handle every time. My goal is to emulate my grandfather. He was a very quiet, patient person. When he was upset or angry, he would quietly tell us to knock it off. He’d give us a couple of warnings, then if we didn’t stop whatever we were doing, he heaved a huge sigh, put his head down and raised his hand for quiet and you knew the shit was about to hit the fan. His quiet was far more effective on me than my mother’s shrieking outbursts.
I am in my fifties (wow that just sounds weirder as the years go by) and am a human male and I am considerably more openly emotional than I was when I was younger.
My spousal-unit likes the change as do my offspring, but I find it more difficult to deal with idiocy at work. What I once would have allowed to pass I now am unwilling to accept.
My boss noted this and thinks of it as a positive change since being assertive is supposedly a positive aptitude in the gigantic Borg-like corporation that owns me, but I find myself using more meditation in my office than I used to.
While I am not very sensitive, I have always been very emotional and passionate and expressive about certain topics. I think if one knows that, owns it and controls it, it works out very well.
As I get older, I have learned that emotional honesty can be a very handy weapon against insecure people that have a lot of stake in trying desperately to always come off as cool, indifferent.
I forgot to say - I’m female, 34. The added directness sometimes is interpreted as bitchiness, regardless of how it comes out. If I have something negative to say, I always try to start out positive, but just the fact that I’m willing to disagree seems to come off as pushy to some people. And I do think that part of the reason is that I’m female. For example, the last time I said, “I really like some of your ideas, but I think that you should learn more about our client base. The terminology you provided might be hard for someone with cognitive issues to understand,” I was advised that I needed to be careful not to offend. I’m really not sure how I could’ve softened that more, but there you have it. Still, I don’t have time to play politics. I just want to get my work done and go home.
Straight male, 41. I was thinking about this too recently in response to some teasing from both my wife and mother. My take, it’s not so much age with me as it’s not being as vested in what others feel. I don’t mean that in a “I’m an insensitive clod “ way but more in a “things are what they are” way.
I tend to be more appropriate now that I’m older. I am a gay 45 year old male.
What I mean by this is, I now know what I can and can’t change. I don’t get emotional over the things I have no say in the matter. Why bother? If I can say something or be emotional I will but not over things that I can’t change.
Even five years ago, I’d speak up regardless. I now realize how much time I wasted and how foolish it is to speak up and get emotional over things you have no control over. Either DO something about it, or learn to wear it.
Coming from a traumatic dysfunctional childhood, I have to say that I was like a robot in my early adulthood. The only emotion I ever openly expressed was rage. I remember once, in my high school job at the public library, the head librarian was trying to tease me about something and all I could muster was a blank stare. She was all and said, “Hmmm… no emotion whatsoever?” I just shrugged and went back to shelving children’s books. I learned in my childhood homes that expressing yourself is dangerous and can get you punished, so I learned poker face at a very young age.
As an adult, I’ve finally decided (at age 40) that there is nothing wrong with letting people see me cry, particularly people who care about me. I’m much better about trying openly offer people appropriate emotional responses or feedback. It’s much less isolating and lonely if other people have an inkling about what’s going on in my head. I’ve learned that the only people who will hurt me if I indulge myself in being vulnerable and open is pretty much my own family members.
Sick and twisted, I know, but I’m trying to work through it all to get to a much healthier place.
Another thought I just had: I am also learning to express fear openly. Rather than shut down and withdraw from other people, I’ve noticed that, when I’m feeling fearful, if I can talk about what I’m afraid of and give it a name and make it real… the fear tends to disapparate.
I used to laugh a lot more when I was younger, but then again I had more to laugh at. Nowadays (47) I’m more stoic and reserved in all my emotions.
I think mortgage, debts, kids, layoffs, job situation, deaths, and life in general have turned me into a more pragmatic and cynical individual. I used to enjoy listening to music a lot too. Now I’ve heard all the old stuff too often, and I’m not interested in giving new stuff a chance.
Yes, I think it is just maturation. I find it MUCH easier to talk with just about anyone now. 15 years ago I was very quiet, and would never say anything to anyone. I’m much happier now, too.
I’m definitely more emotionally even these days. Negative emotions don’t come up, and don’t bother me, all that much anymore. And I try to cultivate and amplify positive emotions. I’m definitely more expressive than I used to be, and I’m much more likely share emotional states with others.
That’s all not really a function of my age, but stuff that I’ve been consciously working on.
We talked about this in my Anatomy/Physiology class. The anterior pituitary gland has a hormone (oxytocin) known as the “cuddle hormone” that promotes nurturing and emotional response. I can’t remember the particulars of why, but our professor mentioned that as men get older they manifest more of the symptoms (i.e., emotional responses to TV shows, movies, etc) and women’s levels of this hormone tend to drop naturally with the onset of menopause. So basically we sort of “switch” the stereotypical emotional roles. I’m pretty sure the testosterone levels are involved too, with men’s dropping and women’s rising with the drop in estrogen. You could probably do some research under “cuddle hormone”.
I found it fascinating because, as a 53 year old woman, I noticed my husband several years ago started watching shows I found unbearably cloying, like “Extreme Home Makeover” and the “Gilmore Girls” which were a real departure from his previous tastes. He surreptitiously wipes away tears a lot more now, whereas I find myself wanting to roll my eyes at the media’s shameless plucking of the audience’s heartstrings! Maybe it’s just a case of since the phenomenon was brought up in my class (last semester) I now find behavior that fits it - but it is interesting, no?
Gay male, 64. I’m more openly emotional than I was when I was younger. The big change happened in my mid-30s, and I’ve been fairly consistent ever since.
If you want to see me smile and cry at the same time, have me watch the Susan Boyle video. Gets me every time.
But I’ve become less openly emotional as I become more cynical. It’s a sad thought, really. I thought only grizzled soldiers in movies were supposed to be jaded.
Straight male, 25 next month, ever since I got married its like I’m more emotional than I was just a couple years ago. Maybe because I actually care about someone other than myself now.
Female, 43 - I think I’m getting more assertive and less likely to put up with bullshit (and at my age, I’m pretty sure about what is and isn’t bullshit). I don’t know if I’m getting more openly emotional, because I think I’m also getting more patient and tolerant when I realize people are honestly trying their best, and just smile and move on. I also think I’m getting fewer emotional highs and lows because experience has taught me that the good doesn’t last, but neither does the bad.
I’m a 54-year-old man, and for a couple of years now have found myself inexplicably tearing up at trivial little things. It’s annoying, especially when others are around, and I assumed it was something like that. Thanks for the confirmation.
I’m 51, a straight white woman (and grandma!) and I am somewhat less openly emotional than I was when I was younger. I’m pretty sure I can trace this directly to the loss of “the love of my life” around 5 some odd years ago.
I’m over him now, but the results are that it’s as if I “cried it all out” then, and next to that pain, not much that happens to me really moves me. Now, if it happens to someone else, I’m pretty much a blubber baby. Others’ pain can bring me to tears in a heartbeat. Even those who are totally conning me can tug at my heartstrings.
and said, “Hmmm… no emotion whatsoever?” I just shrugged and went back to shelving children’s books. I learned in my childhood homes that expressing yourself is dangerous and can get you punished, so I learned poker face at a very young age.