Crying... do you? what triggers it? how do you feel about it?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This articlein the Washington Post got me wondering about crying, especially by men, and especially later in life.

Women have always been “allowed” to cry–in the proper setting, of course, which is NEVER at work. Males are taught from toddlerhood not to, that it’s weak and makes them “sissies.” The worst insult you can hurl at a boy is to call him a girl.

What about you? Can you men relate to this article? If so/if not, what were you taught about crying? (Please give an idea of your age–the decade, anyway.) Did you ever see your dad or other significant male role model in your life cry? Does your ethnic/cultural background figure into your stance on men crying (i.e., yes, it is permitted or NO! absolutely NOT).

And women–does/do the men in your life cry? How do you feel about that? What about yourself–do you cry seldom/often, and are you okay with that? Were you scolded or comforted when you cried as a child? What about now? I remember weeping bitterly over the assassination of President Kennedy (I was 15), and having my mother scold me because I hadn’t cried when my grandfather died. One time my mother cried in frustration at a very difficult time and my father slapped her. It was a hateful thing to do, even though I understood why he did it (but could never forgive him). Her tears meant that he had failed at something, at making things okay–and he couldn’t tolerate that feeling.

Our modern American ideas about crying mystify me. Someone shedding tears in public (or “BREAKING DOWN!” as the media refer to it) is enough to produce headlines, no matter what the circumstances. Why is that? Why is it *news *that someone cried? And what public scorn can fall upon the head of the person who weeps for something others deem inappropriate! (Like the death of Cecil the lion.)

I mean: WTF??

For myself, I do cry rather a lot and it can be triggered by a memory, an event, physical pain, the realization of the fragility and finitude of life. Maybe because at my age (66) I’ve lost a husband, several past lovers, beloved pets, possessions, my own physical and mental abilities…and I realize there are many more losses to come. Like the writer of the article, I weep when I read the news–being walloped by the apparently limitless depth of cruelty in this world and humanity’s inability or unwillingness to do anything about it. I think there is a lot to cry about in life, and I’m okay with it. <sigh> I laugh a lot, too.

So, where are you on this topic?

2

I’ve gotten a bit “old person weepy” in recent years, which is just appalling to me. Cheesy scenes in movies, etc., that are completely predictable, yet I get the hitchy breath a watery eyes. Bah! :mad:

3

Thanks for the reply. I’m interested in your thoughts on some of my other questions, too. Why is it appalling? Why does it make you mad? It sounds like you associate getting older with somehow getting “soft,” as though younger = harder (as it were). How old are you (decade)?

4

Husband gets weepy a lot lately - but part of that is because of his distress at my medical issues, and thinking about the prospect of living on without me.

However, he’s always been the more emotional of the two of us. I cry when I get angry or frustrated (including sometimes at work >< but I can’t stop it), he’s always been more likely to cry at a sad movie or so forth.

5

I wish I could cry. I feel like it sometimes, more often as I age, my eyes even get moist, but as you say, growing up as a boy and man I had to suppress all my tears and now I can’t turn them back on. I feel like my tears could wash away the feelings that would bring them if I could cry, and because I can’t I have to avoid dealing with anything that would make me feel like crying. I guess that sounds stupid, but I can’t find a way around it.

6

I never cried as a child or as an adult until got divorced. I would often find myself alone and tears treaming down my face. I never really bawled but I have become over run with tears. Songs might trigger it, watching a happy family might trigger it. I lost count of the things that triggered it but there were a lot of things that could set it off if I was alone.

That passed for the most part within a year but I would get occassional emotional surges up to about 5 years.
7

I cry when angry/frustrated (which makes frustrating things at work become even more frustrating). Rarely when someone close to me dies. Almost never at sad parts of movies/books (but that does fluctuate depending on my menstrual cycle).

TheElf will sometimes cry during sad movies, and he always cries when someone he knows dies. I find it charming and endearing when he does.

For the most part my family isn’t particulary publically emotional. We do like to laugh through diffcult times, though, and that seems much better than ranting and raving.

8

As a kid I sometimes would cry. It was almost always a case of either physical pain or public humiliation (the humiliation causing the crying, not the other way around). Sadness has never been something I’ve associated with crying.

By the time I got into my teens, I stopped crying altogether. Even when my mother died (at 14), I didn’t cry. Not because I cared about being seen crying, just because the sadness did not bring about that reaction. Again, it was never really related to emotional sadness for me. But, of course, everyone said “You’re not crying. You’re bottling it up. You’re doing it wrong. You should cry. Otherwise, you’ll be emotionally scarred for life.” Gee, thanks, assholes. Now tell me again that you know how I feel because obviously you all lost your mothers at 14, right? :smack:

I’m not outwardly demonstrative about most emotions anyway. Strong emotions are an inward-facing experience for me. The point at which I am feeling most emotional will often be a point where I look most reserved - I’m paying attention to my inside world, so to speak. Sadness is a time for remembrance, not tears. For me, anyway. If Publisher’s Clearing House showed up at my door, I would not be the person jumping and screaming. I would be just as excited, but it’d take me a while to process that internally and then pretty much any emotion I displayed would be for the benefit of the other people around me, who all expect that I should be jumping and screaming. I’m not repressing anything; it’s just how I process things.

The closest thing to crying I do as an adult comes from certain movies or songs. It’s usually in response to some good thing, but it has more to do with being carried along by some climax. It’s only as strong as a moistening of my eyes, and it’s eerily predictable with some media. Hard to explain why. The song Fly, by Bling Guardian, has a particular moment that will almost always provoke that response. I can only describe it as feeling the music. It’s not even so much a personal connection as being swept along with it.

Anyway, I’m still under 40, so it’ll be interesting to see whether this changes in the next few decades.

9

I’m not a big crier. That said, I was watching the first episode of The Killing a couple of nights ago, and the bit where the parents found out that their 17 year-old daughter was dead caused me to well up. I am a first-time parent of an 8-month old (girl) - the idea that, one day, I could be on the receiving end of similar news caught me off-guard.

10

Last time I cried was in 2001 (and even that was in a live action roleplaying game - my character resolved something that had troubled him for ages … silly thing to cry about, I remember getting funny looks from my roomie who was also in the game). I wouldn’t mind if I could cry a bit easier since it can be a relief, but on the other hand it is nice to not to have to worry about crying when it would be inconvinient.

I do sometimes wonder about it. I didn’t cry in my grandfather’s or my grandmother’s funeral despite liking both of them quite a bit. Just feels like it’s not an option right now, though who knows if I’m just waiting for something really sad to happen. Somebody who is well over 90 and riddled with chronic health issues dying doesn’t count as really sad in my books I guess.

11

I’ve heard it said that men tend to soften up with age, as testosterone levels begin to decline starting around 30, so that may explain older men being more prone to crying. The only time I remember seeing my Father cry was when my parents were divorcing and he was moving out and he came to get some things and he started looking through a family photo album, that is the only time that I can recall anyway.

I’m a male in my thirties, I cried a lot when my parents were divorcing and I was 10 years old, other than that I don’t think I cried from too much other than a physical injury. Before I had children I had a pretty severe personality and not much empathy for other people. Having children definitely softened me up a bit and its made me have more empathy for others. I don’t think I cry excessively, sometimes a movie or something will make me sad, but I don’t usually cry. If I do cry I try to only do it when I’m alone because I would feel pretty weird to let my wife or kids see me cry. I cried hysterically when my then one month old son was sick in the hospital and they wouldn’t let us feed him and we just had to watch him suffer. Generally its bad things that happen to children that is most upsetting to me. I’ve had relatives die that I was pretty close to that even though I felt saddened by the loss and felt like I should cry about it, I just couldn’t for some reason.

12

Female in my mid-thirties. When I was a child, I would periodically have “a good cry” over all the things that had built up. I stopped doing it regularly when I was in my twenties. I never really cry, anymore, unless I’m having a serious fight with my husband.

When I was pregnant with our daughter, I would sob for hours over sentimental things. That was the hormones, I guess, but ever since then, I “tear up” easily. It never amounts to tears rolling down my cheeks, but it’s bad enough that I hide it if I’m in public.

I’ve seen my husband cry twice, and I treasure both times. Women like to see their men feel deeply.

13

I’ve only cried a handful of times since I was 9 years old. It was after Hurricane Andrew, and I asked my mother why I hadn’t ever seen daddy cry about the whole thing (we lost almost everything in the storm). She told me that crying wasn’t something he did very often, and I resolved then and there to emulate him.

A pretty unhealthy decision, no doubt! Since then, I’ve cried at two funerals for close family members, another time when hearing about the death of a friend, once at synagogue, and once during a particularly emotional argument/reconciliation with my mother.* I’ve tried to cry on many more occasions but usually stop just sort of actually squeezing more than a tear or two out.

Oddly, it’s pretty easy for me to get choked up during Pixar movies and other media designed to tug on heartstrings. I just don’t actually cross that threshold into full-on crying.

*One other time in a meeting with my boss, but I was going through mild withdrawal symptoms for some pain meds and don’t think that counts.

14

I realize I didn’t mention the “how do you feel about it” bit. The time in synagogue was extremely cathartic and I rate it as a very pleasant memory. The other times are memorable more because they’re rare and were happening at times that were otherwise momentous, but the act itself didn’t feel good or bad. One of the funeral cries was a general “I’m sad because my grandmother is dead” cry. The other happened while I was talking to the deceased’s wife about something I’d felt guilty about, and the crying just sort of happened. The forgiveness is what felt good at that moment, not so much the crying.

15

I’m 68. This has been going on for the past five years or so. It’s appalling to me, because of what triggers it. An emotional scene in a movie or TV show? Really? I didn’t shed many tears when my parents or my brother died, but bawled like a child when our cat died. WTF? I hate illogical things.

16

It was always really easy for me to cry, and it made things very difficult for me. People think less of you when you cry.

It took a loooong time but I was able to get control of this, maybe just in the last 8-10 years. I still cry but I have gotten very good at hiding it.

My love, on the other hand, I have seen cry once. It was my fault; I made him cry, and I still feel like a piece of shit when I think about it. :frowning:

17

A clown’s smile is only painted on.

18

I’ll cry because I watch or read something sad (like Chapter 14 of the The Subtle Knife, for instance) or when something very good happens (“tears of joy”, eh). I’ll get choked up and teary-eyed talking about loved ones that have passed away, even some of my pets. It can be bothersome in public, but I’ve never really minded; our emotions are the best part of what makes us human.

19

I couldn’t agree more. I am so touched and moved when a man feels that deeply and trusts me enough to be vulnerable in front of me. He seems stronger to me when he does that, not weaker.

One of my favorite quotes:

Yeah, and I’m trying to figure out why.

20

It is futile to expect bodily reactions to be “logical.” Crying is a spontaneous bodily reaction (if we don’t suppress it) that obeys its own rules and is not subject to logic. Also futile to “hate” it.

Sometimes the trigger kicks off the crying, but the underlying cause IS the very thing that you did not cry about when it happened. The loss of a parent or sibling is a huge event. Allowing oneself to cry then might feel overwhelming. The death of a cat is a more manageable event, but those tears are likely for other larger losses, too. Don’t look for logic, but it can be helpful to look for patterns.