Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager

[bienville]

@Wilbo523

@ the OP: Is she real mature for her age, or are you just that immature?

Early in the relationship maturity was a big question in my mind. Was she truly mature for her age, or was I just telling myself that because I wanted to continue with the relationship.

I came to the realization that maturity isn’t a straight line.

Yes, she was very mature for her age in very many ways. In other ways, she seemed like she was 18. I decided it was just something to be aware of so as to recognize when it should maybe be considered an issue.

She has always felt she related very well with older people.

And in the ways that I do believe she is mature for her age, yes she is very mature.

[pravnik]

Is she Team Jacob or Team Edward?

[Telcontar]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

Mine was a legitimate question and I will ask it again but in a different way; as an under-aged PERSON, has she consumed alcohol in your presence?

No rationalizations or justifications, just a simple Yes or No.

And this matters…why?

@pravnik

Is she Team Jacob or Team Edward?

Ouch!

[bienville]

@kushiel

Is it awkward to date someone who still lives with their parents? Like, never struck out on their own and had to move home because of the recession or something, but someone who has never left home?

Do you think most of her friends leaving affected her getting together with you? Like, if she still had a lot of friends going to college locally that she spent time at college events with do you think she would have gotten together with someone her own age as opposed to choosing a relationship with an older man?

It’s a little, hmmm not awkward, but inconvenient in that we both consider only my place for over-nights. Doing an over-night at her place would be awkward so it’s never really on the table- even when, based on our evening plans, it would be more convenient. (Note: It is not forbidden to do an overnight at her place, just that she and I would feel weird about it).
I do believe that we got together because she and I as two individuals connect in a special way. We would have met at the event where we met whether her friends stayed local for college or not. Having met, we would have started dating. If her friends were around, our social life may have been different- maybe with some minor challenges- but I believe the relationship would have progressed either way.

Had we not met, maybe she’d be dating someone her own age- as her social circles may have encouraged. But having met when we did, I think it felt right to both of us.

[Fried_Dough_Ho]

@Telcontar

@Fried_Dough_Ho

Mine was a legitimate question and I will ask it again but in a different way; as an under-aged PERSON, has she consumed alcohol in your presence?

No rationalizations or justifications, just a simple Yes or No.

And this matters…why?

From the National Institute on Health:

Many people begin to drink alcohol during adolescence and young adulthood. Alcohol consumption during this developmental period may have profound effects on brain structure and function. Heavy drinking has been shown to affect the neuropsychological performance (e.g., memory functions) of young people and may impair the growth and integrity of certain brain structures. Furthermore, alcohol consumption during adolescence may alter measures of brain functioning, such as blood flow in certain brain regions and electrical brain activities. Not all adolescents and young adults are equally sensitive to the effects of alcohol consumption, however. Moderating factors - such as family history of alcohol and other drug use disorders, gender, age at onset of drinking, drinking patterns, use of other drugs, and co-occurring psychiatric disorders - may influence the extent to which alcohol consumption interferes with an adolescent’s normal brain development and functioning.

Several decades of research have shown that chronic heavy drinking is associated with adverse effects on the central nervous system and have revealed some of the processes that give rise to these effects. Yet it remains unclear when in the course of a person’s “drinking career” these central nervous system changes may emerge. Recent research suggests that heavy drinking may already affect brain functioning in early adolescence, even in physically healthy youths. This issue is important and interesting for at least two reasons. First, the brain continues to develop throughout adolescence and into young adulthood, and insults to the brain during this period therefore could have an impact on long-term brain function. Consistent with this assumption, animal studies have demonstrated that alcohol exposure during adolescence and young adulthood can significantly interfere with an animal’s normal brain development and function. Second, young adulthood is a period when most people make critical educational, occupational, and social decisions, and impaired cognitive functioning at this time could substantially affect their futures.

Questions regarding alcohol’s influence on brain development and function during adolescence are especially pertinent because heavy drinking is quite common among young people. For example, in one survey, 36 percent of 19- to 28-year-olds reported having consumed five or more drinks in a row in the preceding 2 weeks. Another survey determined that 7 percent of 18- to 25-year-olds meet the diagnostic criteria for alcohol dependence. Thus, a substantial number of adolescents and young adults could be at risk for alcohol-related impairment of brain development and brain function.

You essentially answered the question.

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

From the National Institute on Health:

Translation: if the OP isn’t buying her beer somebody else is anyway.

[bienville]

@Fried_Dough_Ho

Mine was a legitimate question and I will ask it again but in a different way; as an under-aged PERSON, has she consumed alcohol in your presence?

No rationalizations or justifications, just a simple Yes or No.

She’s never really been a drinker, never did any highschool drinking. If she was specifically asking me to please please please get her some booze, that would worry me. But we’ve upon occasion (rarely) had a drink together at my place.

Her parents drink at home and, before we met, her mother had already offered her opportunities to try this or that at home- so, I’m not conflicted about offering from time to time.

I lived in Louisiana when I was 18 and at the time 18 was the legal drinking age, so it doesn’t seem right to apply different standards.

I would not feel comfortable bringing her a drink from the bar if we were out to hear music- but she wouldn’t ask that.

[Freudian_Slit]

I don’t think that dating a teenager is necessarily bad but starting a thread to brag about it seems kind of skeevy. Does she know?

[Silver_Fire]

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

I think you are doing her more harm than good and not only because of the drastic age difference, which wouldn’t matter if she were 28, on her own, in an established career, had had some life experience, etc., and you were 45.

IMO.

[Fried_Dough_Ho]

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

I think you are doing her more harm than good and not only because of the drastic age difference, which wouldn’t matter if she were 28, on her own, in an established career, had had some life experience, etc., and you were 45.

IMO.

I concur and speak from experience. I was an 18 year old who got involved with a 36-year old man. At the time, of course I thought I was mature and intelligent enough to be in such a relationship. There was no way my parents or anyone could talk me out of “what felt so right.” I was the cool chick for having an older boyfriend. It made me that much more adult and worldly.

But I am 46 years old now and realize how damaging and detrimental it was to my development as an adult and my future relationships.

Now I am perfectly cognizant of the fact that there is no way the OP will agree with any of this or change what he is doing or the status of his relationship. But I would ask him to print this thread out and keep it for when he has an 18-year old daughter and simply read through what is being said to re-assess his thoughts on this time of his life and how he treats his progeny.

[DiosaBellissima]

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

False. False. False. You might remember that he said she’s super mature.

[bienville]

@MeanOldLady

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

How, exactly, did you meet?

One hundred billion dollars says the internet.

Oooh, you just lost One hundred billions dollars.

@little*bit

Do you believe this relationship has the potential to go the distance or do you not look to far into the future and just take it as it comes?

The relationship is great and we are both very happy. There are no relationship problems that forbode an impending end, and I am certainly not going to manufacture and end.

Still, I am her first real boyfriend and I just think it is unrealistic to imagine that she will go her entire life having only had one boyfriend.

Preceding the first time I told her that I love her, I talked about “saying ‘I love you’” and how the reason some people are hesitant to say it the first time because there’s then the question of does “I love you” mean the same thing to both people. Some people are hesitant to say “I love you” too early in a relationship for fear that the other person will interpret it as “You are my Always-and-Forever”.

I then told her how special she was to me, how I was so looking forward to seeing the relationship grow, but that it did not seem realistic to me to think that she didn’t have other romances in her future. In that context I then told her I loved her.

She seemed to feel good about that. It has come up a few times since. We both feel that the most realistic thing to believe is that she has other romances in her future. At the same time, we are both very happy as things are and don’t want to see the end anytime soon.

@pravnik

Is she Team Jacob or Team Edward?

O.K., good one.
Thankfully she HATES all things Twilight.
She is a huge Harry Potter fan, though. I just remind myself that there are plenty of women in their thirties who are Harry Potter fans who I could be dating.

She does enjoy reality T.V. a bit much for my taste, but again I could be dating a woman in her thirties who likes reality T.V.

@The Second Stone

Is the sex good?

The strong relationship connection was very well developed before we started having sex, so the sex has been very good since we very first started with it.

@Freudian Slit

I don’t think that dating a teenager is necessarily bad but starting a thread to brag about it seems kind of skeevy. Does she know?

Hmmm, I don’t think I can possibly fashion any defense against the Sneak-Bragging accusation that will in any way satisfy anyone who wants to believe that I am sneak-bragging.

I started the Thread to help me reflect on the relationship, as I have been reflecting as we approached the one-year mark.

So far, the Thread has been helpful in that way.

The Thread’s not a secret, she knows about this board but doesn’t use it. Perhaps I’ll send her a link, it’s been a pretty goo Thread so far I think.

[Cat_Fight]

@DianaG

@purplehorseshoe

Oaky, as a former 18-year-old, I’d like to ask that you not call her a “little girl.” She’s not one.

As a former 18 year old and the parent of a 19 year old, I’d like to point out that she’s not a grownup, either.

She’s certainly of age, and the OP isn’t doing anything wrong by dating her. I just personally find it squicky. I know plenty of kids that age. They’re not date-able. They’re barely formed. They’re hazy, pale mirages of the people they’ll eventually be.

That’s why they need to date grown-ups to show them how they should be! Nothing like the college towns I’ve lived in, listening in on older men ‘lecturing’ their younger dates about music, books, world events (often with completely inaccurate facts).

No problem with age differences, in general, once everyone can drink/drive/vote legally (hopefully not all at once). But even a 25-year-old dating someone still in college doesn’t sit well with me. Totally different life priorities (or at least there should be), and only one of you gets to play the ‘life experience’ card.

[MeanOldLady]

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

I think you are doing her more harm than good and not only because of the drastic age difference, which wouldn’t matter if she were 28, on her own, in an established career, had had some life experience, etc., and you were 45.

IMO.

+1 times 1,000,000. What’s the total product there? At least 235.

@bienville

@MeanOldLady

One hundred billion dollars says the internet.

Oooh, you just lost One hundred billions dollars.

Please. Your story roughly translates that she went to one of your prop comedy shows with her family, then added you on Facebook later, and you decided to ask her out. Money now please.

[wonky]

@bienville

One aspect where it could be unhealthy from her standpoint:
“I’ll rely upon my older boyfriend to handle all the ‘grown-up’ responsibilities so I can avoid having to maturely face being an adult”.

And I think we are avoiding this one as well- again by regularly re-examining it.

You can’t avoid it by re-examining it, though. She needs to stand on her own two feet. No amount of examination makes that possible–only doing.

If you had said that she regularly dated and was currently living by herself, working and going to school, I’d think, “Hey, that sounds like it might work. She’s shown some independence and has had some experience in the world.”

But she’s living with her parents and she hasn’t really dated. There’s no amount of conversation that can make up for that, in my opinion. That isn’t to say it can’t work, but odds are surely agin it being healthy for either in the long run.

I think, to be honest, you’re substituting thinking for doing, and talking for learning. You’re specifically saying the pressure is less because she’s impressed by you, then you seem to think all it takes is knowing that is a concern for it… not to be a concern.

She sounds average-to-young for her age when it comes to experience and independence.

Are you young for your age when it comes to experience and independence? What’s your dating/relationship history?

[DiosaBellissima]

@MeanOldLady

Please. Your story roughly translates that she went to one of your prop comedy shows with her family, then added you on Facebook later, and you decided to ask her out. Money now please.

In fairness, my friend and I did once go to an impersonator show in Vegas, got super drunk, went back to the hotel, added the Michael Jackson impersonator on FB, and a few weeks later, he asked me out.

So, stranger things have happened.

[Sleeps_With_Butterflies]

Somebody wake me when we get the “Oh noes mah girlfriend has left me and I am blue” thread, okay?

[Fried_Dough_Ho]

@bienville

The Thread’s not a secret, she knows about this board but doesn’t use it. Perhaps I’ll send her a link, it’s been a pretty goo[d] Thread so far I think.

If you do and she would like to talk to someone who has been in her shoes, feel free to give her my PM information.

I am serious. I won’t talk her into breaking up with you or anything - just to give her insight.

[Bearflag70]

YOU: I love Men at Work

HER: What are you, gay?

YOU: No, silly, they’re not gay, they’re Australian

[Silver_Fire]

Oops, thought you were talking about that group Nelson, remember them? Turns out they are not the Thompson Twins, their last name really is Nelson.

I am too young for Bearflag. (WTF, where’s the Thompson Twins post?! Now I look too young and dumb.)

@DiosaBellissima

@Silver_Fire

She’s barely out of high school, still lives with her parents, and has never had a boyfriend?

False. False. False. You might remember that he said she’s super mature.

Oh. Right. Riiiiiiight. My bad.