Ask the 35 Year Old who has for a year now (and counting) been Dating a Teenager

[bienville]

rhubarbarin, I posed my previous question to you placing you in your thirties, I had mistakenly mixed you up with MsWhatsit. I see from your earlier contribution to the Thread that you are 25. I apologize. At 25, do you still dislike the company of people your age?

@Meatros

Two things:

1. Most people, in my (perhaps limited) experience, change drastically between the ages of 18 and 22ish. If you perceived her not growing as a result of your relationship with her - would you consider ending it?

2. Were I you, I would be a little concerned with why she hadn’t dated anyone prior to you, even though she was 18. I mean, are you saying ‘no serious relationship’ or ‘didn’t date anyone’. That, plus her age, sends off alarm bells to me. Why hasn’t she dated prior to you?

Hard to answer the first hypothetical as, thankfully, it doesn’t seem to reflect our situation. I took things very slow at first, and I think if I had seen that problem early on I might have ended it.

At this point, we have a year-long relationship that we’ve built together. At this point I wouldn’t end the relationship over any problem without first taking time together to discuss it and to try to make it better.

As to her not really dating before me, really I don’t think it that much of an issue. Before me she was just two months out of highschool. Although we cool kids sometimes lose perspective on this, really there are a lot of people who do not date in highschool.

Dating can be overwhelming in highschool, and there is often a lot of drama that goes along with it. Very many people put that adventure off until after highschool is over. Not dating in highschool is not something that I think points to immaturity or stunted personal growth. I think it’s common enough.

I also think she was didn’t feel comfortable exploring her sexuality with a highschool guy. Both because of thinking that an inexperienced highschool partner would be awkward, as well as some anxiety that a highschool guy might not so peaceably acquiesce should she want to bring activity to a halt (not necessarily in a “would force himself upon her” kind of a way, but maybe a “‘Awwww, pleeeeease! But I looooooove you’” kind of a way).

Not that all highschool guys can be painted with so broad a brush, but I do think that was a concern of hers.

As to what dating experience she did have before me: there was a three month relationship Senior year of highschool that never got physical- aside from a single kiss on one occasion.

The other experience was pretty much the opposite, physical but no real dating: She twice visited a friend who, when they were younger, had moved out of state. While visiting that out of state friend on a vacation type trip, she met a friend of that friend. She and the friend of a friend were attracted to one another and got physical right away- making out on the couch type activity, as well as sharing a bed (as in actually sleeping) together. On the second visit she saw the friend of a friend again and they resumed the relationship in the same manner. These visits were, I believe, during a break Junior year, then during the summer after Junior year. I might have the time line slightly mistaken, but it’s in the right ballpark.

[ToeJam]

@bienville

I lived in Louisiana when I was 18 and at the time 18 was the legal drinking age, so it doesn’t seem right to apply different standards.

Don’t really have a dog in this fight, and this is a bit old, but I had to comment on this line. Just to point out, the fact that “it doesn’t seem right to apply different standards”- well, the key thing is that information and knowledge changes over time. To apply the same rules that were applied to you, without taking into consideration the leaps in science, and understanding of how the human mind functions and develops over the last few decades is a foolish stance to take. Rules should be updated and modified, and considered in light of new information and greater understanding. So just a note, since you’re using this thread to think about things, you should give that one a thought and perhaps change this line of thinking as well. As the links/quote that **FDH **provided are interesting and important pieces of data. At the very least, a healthy thing for her to do is to educate her on the facts of drinking at a young age, and let her make her own decision, but to simply assume that because things were different nearly 20 years ago, that there is no basis in the scientific community for changing the way we think is rather foolish, and stubborn.

Just my two cents.
Peace out, dude.
~R

[Acsenray]

Bienville, it’s not nice to offer such intimate detail about this erson’s life on a public message board, even a nominally anonymous one.

[AClockworkMelon]

@acsenray

Bienville, it’s not nice to offer such intimate detail about this erson’s life on a public message board, even a nominally anonymous one.

Are you kidding me? This board is packed with threads about people’s bi-polar mothers, crazy kids, ex-wives, etc. Unless there’s any risk of someone actually discovering her identity I don’t see a problem.

[cosmosdan]

@ToeJam

As the links/quote that **FDH **provided are interesting and important pieces of data. At the very least, a healthy thing for her to do is to educate her on the facts of drinking at a young age, and let her make her own decision, but to simply assume that because things were different nearly 20 years ago, that there is no basis in the scientific community for changing the way we think is rather foolish, and stubborn.

Just my two cents.
Peace out, dude.
~R

I didn’t get the impression he wasn’t letting her make her own decision or forcing alcohol down her throat. In fact I believe he said they don’t drink much.

[Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus]

@DragonAsh

@multimediac17

I call [del]sneak[/del] stealth bragging!

@MsWhatsit

[del]Sneak[/del]Stealth bragging!

There, fixed those for you. You’re welcome.

**Nzinga, Seated **- eat me!

Moderator note:

DragonAsh, you haven’t fixed anything. It’s very much against the rules to alter the posts of others when you quote them, even to make a joke. Don’t do this again.

[DragonAsh]

@Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus

[Moderator note:

DragonAsh, you haven’t fixed anything. It’s very much against the rules to alter the posts of others when you quote them, even to make a joke. Don’t do this again.

Well, I can definitely promise I won’t be doing it again.

[Staggerlee]

@Sleeps_With_Butterflies

Oh no, Bricker isn’t convinced by my posts. I will give that all of the consideration that it deserves, to be sure.

Good grief, you make yourself sound so childish and immature.

So… how you doin’?

[MsWhatsit]

@Staggerlee

Good grief, you make yourself sound so childish and immature.

So… how you doin’?

I very briefly LOLed.

[tim-n-va]

The “half your age plus seven” is a good rule of thumb. Note that I said rule of thumb not and absolute law.

It has the advantage of limiting age differences between the young (a 16 year old shouldn’t date less that 15 year olds) and relaxing that as people get older (a 40 year old could date as young as 27).

If you are in a relationship outside of this guideline, there are reasonable concerns about the imbalance of maturity, etc. Of course there are examples that violate the rule of thumb that work out for everyone. This also has nothing to do with legality of course.

[BG43214_YAHOO.COM]

Uh, my question is, WHO CARES??!?!?!?!?!!!

[Wheelz]

@tim-n-va

The “half your age plus seven” is a good rule of thumb. Note that I said rule of thumb not and absolute law.

It has the advantage of limiting age differences between the young (a 16 year old shouldn’t date less that 15 year olds) and relaxing that as people get older (a 40 year old could date as young as 27).

This means that anyone in her 20s is now officially off-limits to me.* Man, that’s depressing.

*In theory, of course. *All *women except my wonderful wife are off-limits in practice.

bienville, I do have a question: Will you be bummed out when she turns 20 and you no longer get to tell everybody you’re “dating a teenager”?

[FriarTed]

I read page one and jumped to the last one-

Just to say that I find it hilarious that a board in which failure to salute the Rainbow Flag is a hate crime, where people can defend with a straight face bestiality or necrophilia with the question “Who does it really hurt?”, has such a big turn-out of judgment on the OP.

Bienville, as long as you treat her with kindness & respect, enjoy your time with her!

[Really_Not_All_That_Bright]

@BG43214_YAHOO.COM

Uh, my question is, WHO CARES??!?!?!?!?!!!

At least 50 individual posters, including you.

@FriarTed

I read page one and jumped to the last one-

Just to say that I find it hilarious that a board in which failure to salute the Rainbow Flag is a hate crime, where people can defend with a straight face bestiality or necrophilia with the question “Who does it really hurt?”, has such a big turn-out of judgment on the OP.

Bienville, as long as you treat her with kindness & respect, enjoy your time with her!

Oh, bollocks. Nobody here cares if you “salute the rainbow flag”. They just don’t want you to actively fuck things up for gay people.

In any case, the board is not some monolithic hive mind. Just because there are a few people here depraved enough to think bestiality and necrophilia are okay, it doesn’t mean most or even many do.

Finally, the OP threw his relationship out there for people to judge, and as far as I can tell, the majority are supportive or don’t much care. I know I don’t.

[Tom_Tildrum]

@tim-n-va

The “half your age plus seven” is a good rule of thumb. Note that I said rule of thumb not and absolute law.

It’s just that some people see it as a ceiling, rather than a floor. :D;)

[rhubarbarin]

@bienville

rhubarbarin, I posed my previous question to you placing you in your thirties, I had mistakenly mixed you up with MsWhatsit. I see from your earlier contribution to the Thread that you are 25. I apologize. At 25, do you still dislike the company of people your age?

Groups of people my age, yes. Most that I know are recent college graduates or still in school. Typical activites are still lots of parties, lots of drinking (at home and at bars), playing video games, what I consider risky behaviors, and casual dating and sex with all the drama that entails. I don’t do any of that stuff and dislike being around it -and that was true for all of high school, before I met my older boyfriend. And I just don’t have much in common with most of my peers (again, never have). Nearly all the movies, books and music I enjoy or know anything about are from long before we were born, for instance. My hobbies are reading (mostly non-fiction), vegetable gardening, tropical fishkeeping, and doing things with my three dogs. I am boring, and might as well be old.

However many of my close friends are within 5 years of my age. They’re just more quiet and retiring, like I am, and we have some things in common. We usually spend time one on one doing certain activites together.

[Aw_Hamburgers]

I’ve been following this thread with interest, because I was once the young girl with a much older boyfriend. I don’t frequent the board that often so if anyone responds or has questions, it might take me awhile to get back to it.

So I was 18, a senior in high school. Too long of a backstory, but my mom was (parents are divorced, grew up with mom) constantly gone so I essentially had the house to myself for most of my senior year. All and all, it definitely felt like I lived out on my own since my mom was never home so I was responsible for grocery shopping, making sure i got to school on time, etc. I had dated guys before, had some sexual experiences but never going “all the way” with anyone and I had good grades throughout high school so was well on my way to college at a big state school the next year.

Through mutual friends, I met and started dating a 27 year old guy. At first, I was very into it. I thought it was awesome he had his own place, took me out to dinners, could buy beer… all the things high school boyfriends can’t provide for you. Eventually we formed what I would consider to be a very real relationship. I met his friends, he met mine. I met his family but I hid him from my mom because I knew she would not approve of this relationship. Openly referred to me as his girlfriend and said he loved me and I thought I loved him back. All and all, he was a great boyfriend - very loving, supportive, helpful - never was abusive or emotionally manipulative. I eventually lost my virginity to him and we had a very healthy sex life after. What broke us up was eventually I moved away for college and although he tried to keep in touch, I was pretty involved with college life and quickly forgot about him.

Flashforward, I’m now 26 with many relationships and sexual experiences on my plate. I look back on that relationship and CRINGE and feel dread and sick to my stomach thinking about it. I think “what the hell was a 27 year old doing with a 18 year old?!” I am grossed out by it and can only remember him as my old boyfriend with a Lolita complex. If I could redo that, I would have NEVER gotten involved with him EVER and would have stayed far, far away from him. It just sickens me to think that a grown man would find a teenager attractive and emotionally interesting. He stopped trying to contact me after my freshman year of college but if he ever were to find me on facebook or some other social media site, I would ignore and delete immediately.

Just my two cents

[AHunter3]

I’ve never dated a woman 17 years younger than I am. I don’t think it would be skeevy to do so, and if I hit it off with one who was, the age diff would not nix the deal. Admittedly, 17 years younger than me is bienville’s age, not bienville’s girlfriend’s age. Still, when I was just barely 21 I had a 4+ year relationship with a 36 year old woman. Seems to me if it’s OK to look that far upwind it’s ok to glance backwards as well. (Assuming you aren’t crossing over into the juvenile zone).
[HIJACK]

I’ve found this board to harbor a rather odd combination of sexually liberal and sexually prudish attitudes. Or strikes me as rather odd at any rate. Most social environments gravitate towards a community standard somewhere on a continuum between “anything goes between consenting adults” and “anything other than relegating sex to post-marital couples of the standard one male one female variety is suspect”; but in here almost no one has any concerns about porn, many would decriminalize or legalize prostitution, BDSM gets a thumbs up, gay marriage is strongly supported, and casual sex without love or emotional connection is approved fun… but you hit little unexpected pockets of disapproval, suspicion, and condemnation in various places, some of them imbued with paternalistic attitudes towards children (or adults young enough to be a given poster’s child), some of them reflecting a contemptuous cynicism towards any lifestyle or pattern that seems to hint of insufficient responsibility and obligation-fulfillment, and quite a few just “eww, that’s different = weird = gross and disgusting”.

[/HIJACK]

[ToeJam]

@cosmosdan

I didn’t get the impression he wasn’t letting her make her own decision or forcing alcohol down her throat. In fact I believe he said they don’t drink much.

Neither did I have that impression. I was just giving him some advice though since he’s self-reflecting and all on other things he should do well to consider updating such as that school of thought.

[Telcontar]

@Aw_Hamburgers

Flashforward, I’m now 26 with many relationships and sexual experiences on my plate. I look back on that relationship and CRINGE and feel dread and sick to my stomach thinking about it. I think “what the hell was a 27 year old doing with a 18 year old?!” I am grossed out by it and can only remember him as my old boyfriend with a Lolita complex. If I could redo that, I would have NEVER gotten involved with him EVER and would have stayed far, far away from him. It just sickens me to think that a grown man would find a teenager attractive and emotionally interesting. He stopped trying to contact me after my freshman year of college but if he ever were to find me on facebook or some other social media site, I would ignore and delete immediately.

Just my two cents

Can you elaborate on this? Is it that, in retrospect, he seems immature, or that you just can’t see how someone the age you are now could like someone the age you were then?

I’m just surprised by your current reaction given what you say you felt at the time.