Ask the 50's Anti-Communist Crusader...

My fellow Americans:

It has come to my attention that decent, well-meaning citizens, Mom’s and Dad’s of this fine, God-fearing nation have recently been offering advice on the identification and disposition of Communists and Communist sympathizers that lie amongst us like jackals in the dark. While their advice is no doubt well-intended, it is important that professionals in the field of countersubversion and insurgency suppression address these matters, lest the most clever of these demons in disguise conceal themselves by offering up sacrificial lambs. Come to think of it, I wonder slightly at the true motivation of 50’s Dad and his alleged antiCommunist stance; as the Bible says, we must beware of false idols.

Anyway, as your Senator and representative in the capital of Washington, D.C.–a city that is being overrun with Communists and their lackeys–I think it only fair to warn you about the grave threat that the International Communist Conspiracy poses to the freedom loving and pious people everywhere. Why, in this envelope right here, I have a list of two hundred and seventy-three people in government and military service who have past or presesnt affiliations with Communists. Why, Communists are plotting every day to corrupt your children with their heathenry belief that we are cousins to apes, that the dark-skinned races are morally and intellectually equivilent to the noble Saxons of Europe and America, and that the poor should have political and economic parity with the wealthy.

Why, isn’t it the founding principle of this great nation that every man–and by man, we mean male landowner–has an equal right to vote and conduct business? By what rule should anyone tell the President of International Telegraph and Telephone that he can’t extract the greatest profit from whatever enterprise he may seek in some God-foresaken Latin American cesspit full of dirty, greasy-haired people who have no more sense than a dog? And yet, the Marxist upsurers–you’ve already heard about them in the news–seek to rise up against these great American industrialists and contest their God-given right to use the land that they have lawfully siezed from the lazy peasents that dwell on it, and put these heathens to work in support of democracy and freedom everywhere.

Even more painfully, we’ve seen the leadership of this great nation cringe back from confrontation with the insidious Communist threat; first with that liberal peacemonger, Truman, and then with Eisenhower. Indeed, I have right here, pictures of Eisenhower, in a place called Malta, shaking hands with the leader of the greatest Communist threat, Josef Stalin of the Soviet Union. How much further will he take this? Will he invite Mao Tse Tung to have dinner at the White House? Why, he’s practically selling off the birthright of every God-fearing American to the forces of worldwide Communism!

I urge each and every one of you, as freedom-loving citizens of this great nation under God to do whatever is within your power to oppose Communists in our midsts. Remember, the Communists can take many guises; they may come singlely, or in force; they may pretend to be teachers, lawyers, doctors, or even clergymen. They’ll try to convince you that this so-called “New Math” is a better way for students to learn, when in fact, they are doing their very best to increase the Missile Gap by trying to make our children as backward and ignorant as theirs.

This is what you must do:
[li]First, you must take an Oath of Loyalty, and insist that your family, your friends, your coworkers, the members of your congregation, and the educator of your children take this oath. Failure to take this oath is a sign of subversiveness and should be closely monitored.[/li][li]Second, do not let your children question the strict adherence to God and America. Any attempt to do so is a sign that their teachers are Communists who are attempting to subvert your children to the principles of COMINTERN.[/li][li]Third, protect your children and yourself from influences, not only of mind but of body. Be careful about the substances you ingest. Only smoke genuine American tobacco like the healthful and freedom-promoting cigarettes of the Philip Morris corporation. Eat only good American beef and pork. Do not partake in vodka or other spirits that do not come from the crisp, clean, uncontaminated and God-given waters of Tennesee and Kentucky. Drink only American beer–preferably Pabst Blue Ribbon or Hamms.[/li][li]Fourth, encourage your local government to purge itself of all elements of questionable integrity. Freedom and piety start at the local level. If the Communists take over our great cities, as they already have our newspapers and schools, the government will become helpless to fight them.[/li][li]Finally, if you suspect that a friend, coworker, or God-forbid a family member is a Communist or is assisting the International Communist Conspiracy, contact your local FBI office at once. Without eternal vigiliance, the Communists will surely destroy this great, God-fearing nation of ours with their treacherous ideology of evil.[/ul][/li]
My fellow God-loving Americans, it is now time to confront this evil among us. Do not be circumspect or dubious; if you think, or even suspect that someone you know is a Communist, do your duty as citizens and Christians, and turn that person in. It is better to expose a few innocent people to questioning and harassment than to allow the whole of this great nation to be overrun by a bunch of Communist heathens as as already happened in Washington and elsewhere. I am relying upon you to help us win the home front against Communists.

If you have any questions on how to identify, or what to do, with suspected Communists, please ask them now…before it’s too late.

Senator Jacob McKinney

Is it true that Communist agents are trying to put fluoride in our water supply, and if so, why are the Reds trying contaminate our precisous bodily fluids in such a manner?

Have you no sense of shame, sir?

Oh dude, I am all over this thread!. I say we bomb those Pinko bastards back into the Stone Age. I hear they tried to put nucular missiles on Cuba. Is that true?

Where the hell is Curtis LeMay when you need him?

Senator, please share with us your views on Rock and Roll music, and it’s role in Communist Subversion of our Youth.

Is the Victory Garden a Communist Plot?

When I go out to eat dinner this evening with my wife and children, should I order the steak or the chicken? Cows seem like they are more loyal to the American cause, but sometimes chicken is just really, really good.

Also, my wife doesn’t seem to really respect my authority any more. I think she has been influenced by “communists” on the tv. She doesn’t bring me drinks any more, and she refuses to properly service me in the bedroom. What should I do? Should I threaten to send her via airmail to Mother Russia? Perhaps give her a firm tap? Help!

Oh, that God for this thread! I was at my wit’s end . . . you must help me!

  1. I’m worried my new puppy may be a Commie. Not only did she tear up a book which had a picture of an American flag on the cover, but I also heard her talking in code to the neighbor’s dog. Oh, it sounded like normal barking, until you listened closely: “Arf, arf arf. Nyet!” Also, her favorite toy is pink. What am I to do?

  2. My husband is teaching at a university, which we all know are hotbeds of left-wing Commie nonsense, like calculus. Worse than that, he teaches sociology! Should I pre-emptively report him, or wait until he starts burning bras?

  3. To my eternal shame, I find that I frequently read books. One of them was actually written by a Frenchman! I’ve discovered that some of these contain concepts which are blasphemous, but fire code prohibits burning them in my neighborhood. Worse yet, I find myself* thinking* about the ideas in them! I know thinking is not healthy or normal. How can I stop?

Dear Senator,
I am a junior high school student and I believe that the Communists are trying to take over our student council. I’ve reported this to the Principal Skinner but he just pats me on the head and tells me not to worry. But I am worried. What should I do. Help!

Young anti-Communist in Canarsie

P.S. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. Can you tell what to study so I can be an anti-Communist crusading senator like you?

I dated a communist in Spain and it was wild. She didn’t shave her armpits or legs and she wore a beret. It was like having sex with a man except that the man wore Chanel Number 5, had long brown hair, a dynamite shape, and possessed breasts, a vagina, a mellifluous contralto voice, and used Tampax.

Was this so wrong?

Dear Senator McKinney:

In school we read this play called The Crucible by Arthur Miller. My teacher said it’s about people like you. So why are you a witch? Is being a witch better than being a communist?

Yours in the Red, White and Blue (but more the white and blue than the red, and probably more the white than anything else),

Becky Ann Buckminster

Especially the Chicken Kiev eh, Comrade?

So, why are so many of the major commie hunters homosexuals anyway?

Good freedom loving citizens of our great nation under God:

I apologize for not responding to your questions sooner, but the demands of discovering and publicizing the extend of Communist infiltration into our government, our military, and even our civil organizations demands much time and effort, not to mention the sacrifice of spending late nights at the bar convincing fellow patriots of the need to combat this insideous ideology.

As my good friend and fluoridation expert Col. Ripper of the Stratetic Air Command has said to me, “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.” The Communists want to pollute our natural essence, saping and impurifying our bodily fluids and leaving us without the will to resist. Thankfully, Col. Ripper is one of our most decorated and accomplished Air Force officers and, God willing, he will rise to a position of authority where he can combat the Communist menace.

While Godless Communists continue to undermine the security and and willpower of this freedom-loving nation, any man who speaks up in opposition to the HUAC investigations is an ally to the forces of darkness. I have right here an envelope with the names of one hundred and ninety-two Communists and Communist sympathizers in government and military service.

By the way, what did you say your Social Security Number was?

Why, our good democracy-loving friend Fulgencio Batista would never permit those rotten Commies to place any nuclear missiles in Cuba. Mr. Batista is a noble and honest leader who supports God, freedom, and our corporate interests, and opposes those Marxist upstart rebels in Latin America. It is every God-fearing American’s duty to help our nation support him against this fiend in human form, Castro.

I have personally spoken with General LeMay who is a great American and supports the idea of striking out at the Communist threat while we still have the advantage. Unfortunately, the current government, compromised by Communist infiltration, does not have the willpower to back this great soldier who did so much to bring peace to Japan.

Rock & Roll music is an obvious Commie plot to destroy the minds and obedience of our youth, and should be stomped out before it totally destroys our will to resist. Its central figure, an “Elvis Presley”, purports to be a God-fearing American who serves his country, but in fact he is just another subversive, weaselling his way in to a position where he can pervert the minds of others, just like that Commie Robert Oppenheimer.

I wasn’t aware of this before, but now that you have brought this program to my attention I will devote the energies of the House UnAmerican Activities Committee into investigating it.

Either steak or chicken is fine so long as it is raised on good American grain and not that contaminated stock from Communist or subversive nations like Russia, France, or Canada. Make certain that your steak is well-done to avoid the impropriety of eating “red” meat. As for the wife, I usually find that the threat of a good smack usually puts them in line. Take a cue from Jackie Gleason and threaten to “send her to the Moon” next time she fails to serve dutifully. And be wary of the television; while the television can do us a great service, like “The Lone Ranger” or the words of that most honorable man, Richard Nixon, it can also be used as a tool by those sympathetic to the Communist cause to broadcast and undermine the political will of the nation. Carefully monitor what your children watch–only let them watch gun-shooting Westerns starting Ronald Reagan and Roy Rogers, not that Communist shrimp Alan Ladd, and look closely at any ‘childrens’ program that advises passivity or disarmement.

Animals do not have the necessary volition to choose to be Communists, but they can be subverted by the same processes by which the Reds seek to control our children. I understand that there is an organization which refers to itself to the “Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals” which even as we speak is being investigated by agents of the FBI for Communist infiltration. Teach your dog to hate and fear the signs of Communism, such as the Soviet flag, Edward Murrow, and cars that weigh less than six thousand pounds.

You should report your husband immediately to the FBI for observation and volunteer any information you may have on him and his subversive activites. Do not trust anything he has to say. If, for instance, he says he’s going to the pumpkin patch to select a gourd for Halloween, follow him discretely and monitor his actions. And by no means let him know of your suspicions; continue to be a submissive and curteous wife, up until the time when the FBI comes to arrest him.

There is nothing wrong with reading books, but you should turn your literary attentions to good, wholesome books like the Holy Bible and Civil Defense manuals. You should not, however, read any foreign books, especially from a nations like France that is overrun with Communists and Socialists, nor should your read titles by subversive authors such as Upton Sinclair or John Steinbeck.

Report your Principal. By showing obliviousness in the face of infiltration, he has been co-opted by the International Communist Conspiracy.

The most important thing you can do in order to learn to fight Communism is to attend your local chapter of the John Birch Society. While you’re not yet old enough to drink beer with the patriotic Americans down at the Lodge of the Fraternal Order of Eagles, support your patriotic elders and study the Bible. “Book learning” other than the Bible, and especially colleges and other institutions of subversive political thought should be avoided.

Young man, your impressionable and developing mind has already been contaminated not only by the influence of Red indoctrination but by the pollutive influences of the heathenly radicals of Europe. Go see your pastor immediately and prepare to deliver yourself to the FBI for interrogation and deprogramming, lest you find yourself following commands implanted by the KGB to kill our leaders. It is a shame that a great freedom-loving leader like Generalissimo Franco can’t rid his country of Commies and other vile influences.

I have been accused of many things–a drunk, a polemic, a liar–but I swear by the Bible and upon the pain of missing my first glass of whiskey at the bar that I am not witch.

And why are you reading an Arthur Miller play in school, rather than studying the Good Book? Have you reported this to your principal and local police?

These are all good questions, my fellow patriots, and I’m glad that I was able to provide the advice you so sorely need to prevent the infiltration, indoctrination, subversion of our fine nation by the scourge of Communism. God bless you all. Now I have to go; I have a bar mee…I mean a subcommittee meeting where we will discuss this list of two hundred and fifty-eight Communists that I have in this evelope.

Good night and God bless.

Senator Jacob McKinney

Honorable Senator,

I am the leader of an anti-communist group called “Cleansing Flames”. We recently made a strong effort to fight communism by burning down a local college. Now we have actyually been *arrested *by local police. seeing that the local police had been infiltrated, I made an effort to contct the FBI, but they said that they “have no jurisdiction in [my] matter.” Is it possible that the FBI has also been infilrtated? Come to think of it, you might just be trying to misdirect us from th true threat. Meaning that you are actually a communist! Ha! You can’t fool me. Cleansing Flames shall find you soon enough, and shall burn the Marxist heresy out of your bones!

You will burn for your crimes,
Brother Iron Sword of the Cleansing Flames